Pretend for Me

16. Cassie

16

CASSIE

T he clinking of wine glasses filled the silence of the empty room as I polished them for the umpteenth time.

I was killing time as I waited for Audrey, whose shift finished in a few minutes. We had planned to ride the train home together as the nights had gotten darker earlier lately.

I paid special attention to this one water spot that I just couldn’t get off a champagne flute. My mind was preoccupied with the text I’d gotten at six o'clock this morning.

“Good morning, gorgeous! I’d love to take you out to dinner tonight or whenever you’re free during the week. Missed you at the flea market yesterday btw.”

Aiden was certainly persistent and charming at times, but I had been thinking about ending it with him for a while. Sure, on paper he was a great guy. A guy millions of women would kill for. My apathy hadn’t made sense to me until the night before. Even though I had yelled at Matthew, after the shock had worn off, I realized I never got over him. Despite my best efforts to move on with all aspects of my life, I wasn’t ready to date someone who wasn’t him . We had a magnetic pull toward one another that couldn’t be explained, but still that didn’t mean we were meant to be.

“Cass,” Audrey called from the other side of the bar, breaking me out of a Matthew-induced haze. “A big party came at the last minute. I can’t pass up the tips, so I’m going to take it. You don’t have to wait for me. Do you think you’ll be all right taking the train by yourself?” Audrey offered. “Or I can call you an Uber.”

“Thanks, but no. The ride will do me good,” I said meekly, grabbing my purse from beneath the bar before I wordlessly made my way to the exit. “It might give me some time to clear my head and all that …”

I pushed my way outside of the restaurant and into the alley. I took a deep breath, trying my best to clear my head as I’d told Audrey. The door had just slammed shut behind me when I looked up and spotted Matthew leaning against the side of the building, his gaze trained on his phone.

As the sound reverberated through the air, he turned his attention to me. I threw my head back and shook it slightly. I felt surrounded as Matthew met my gaze, a look of sheer determination settling in his features as he straightened up to his full height. I’d forgotten how much taller than me he was, and his proximity suddenly felt overwhelming. I had to get out of there.

“Cassie!” he called as I tried to bolt down the narrow passageway.

My name falling from his lips forced me to slow my steps, until eventually I came to a stop. I turned my head so I could peer behind me. Matthew jogged to close the distance between us, his long stride cutting down the space rapidly.

As we stood facing each other, our chests heaved in unison—Matthew’s from running and mine from adrenaline. While he caught his breath, I took the opportunity to observe him up close. I hadn’t allowed myself the luxury the night before, too startled, and frankly too furious to appreciate what it was like to be back in his presence after all this time. I took in the dark purple circles underneath Matthew’s eyes, a clear indication that he probably hadn’t slept since I’d left his apartment. Not that he ever was good at sleeping.

“Cassie, we need to talk. You dropped a fucking bomb on me and left,” Matthew demanded.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Matthew. I think I was pretty clear last night,” I said directly, darting my gaze to the opening of the alley, spotting several cars racing down the street.

My hands began to tremble as Matthew moved closer, so close I could feel his breath on my face.

“Come on.” Matthew grabbed my hand and pulled me back so we were obscured from the view of any passersby. The alley beside the restaurant was quiet and dimly lit by the moonlight.

“I didn’t come here to fight, Cassie. I just—I just want you to understand that I never meant to hurt you. I had no idea how unhappy you were back then. Hell, I had no idea about a lot of things it seems.” He worked his hands through his hair, tugging on the ends in his obvious frustration. “I also wanted to tell you again how sorry I am. I don’t think I conveyed that very well when we spoke, but I was shocked by everything you’d unloaded on me.”

He took a step toward me, reaching up to use the tip of his finger to turn my head so our gazes met. “But the one thing I really need you to know, the one thing that I’m absolutely certain about—I always knew that I loved you. That I love you. What you do with this information is up to you. I just thought you should know.” He looked me square in the eye, waiting for my response.

I had waited so long to hear him say those words again. It felt like the very first time he’d said them. It would be too easy for me to pretend, to say them back to him, to go on thinking that everything was okay. But I knew that wasn’t right, that I couldn’t falter. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to go on like that. Not when there was still so much he didn’t know.

I had come to realize that Matthew would always have an unshakeable love and admiration for his adoptive parents. Despite how much they had hurt me, I didn’t want to taint the image Matthew had of them. Especially when I wasn’t sure he’d believe me—he hadn’t the last time I’d been brave enough to try to broach the subject. He’d told me I was confused after all. Besides, if we couldn’t be together, he deserved this, at the very least. A fair chance at the family he’d always wanted and the one I would never have.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes, so I took a deep breath. I swallowed the heaviness in my chest and muttered, “I didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted you to know the truth.” My words echoed the sentiment I was trying to convey yesterday which I feared may have gotten lost in my anger. “And thank you by the way.” I looked him in the eyes, dying inside a little as I saw the anguish there.

He looked pensive, almost like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and he couldn’t bear to hold it all any longer.

“For?” Matthew implored, his eyes burning and holding me still.

“Getting my job back.” My lips turned upwards slightly.

“You’re welcome.”

We stood there in heavy silence. Some sort of resignation must have come over Matthew because he squared his shoulders and said, “I need you to know I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he held his hand up. “Please let me finish,” he snapped.

I nodded. I admired how hard Matthew was fighting for not only whatever remained between us but for himself as well.

He raised his hand to lightly finger a loose tendril of hair hanging along my neck. “I know you’re not ready. But I have so many other things to say. And they are important for you to hear. Things you’re going to want to hear. I want to love you …” he trailed off and the corners of his mouth lifted “... until my whiskers fall off.”

I had to look away from his smoldering eyes and the smirk that made my thighs rub together.

He inched closer to me, cutting the distance between us with every step he took. He grasped my hand in his, playing with the ring on my index finger. “Will you let me love you?”

I let out a sharp exhale as tingles spread across my flesh. I felt ensnared by the intensity of his gaze, the raw desire that shone down on me.

I looked down at my feet, unable to deny the connection. It was magnetic. We had barely touched and yet every hair on my body stood tall as though I’d been electrified. I didn’t dare speak in fear of revealing my true feelings, knowing that they would get us nowhere. They wouldn’t change where we were at this point. They might take us back to our fated car ride, but things weren’t good back then, so why rehash it all?

In the end, none of it mattered. If we got back together, his parents would never approve. Which was fine by me because frankly, I didn’t want them in my life either, but I knew how much it would hurt Matthew if they turned their back on him. So I did the only thing I knew how given the situation—I lied.

“Cassie—” Matthew started again, but I interrupted before he could utter another word.

“I loved you … so much. But I meant what I said last night. You really have to let me go. I can’t—” My voice broke. My eyes stayed trained on the entrance of the alleyway, wanting to create space between us and my lies.

“Loved? You loved me? As in, you don’t anymore?” Matthew’s voice cracked on the last word.

This couldn’t be how our story ended. Heartbroken wasn’t even the right word for the look on his face.

“You were my best friend. Ever since we were four years old. After everything we’ve been through, that’s it? You don’t even want to try?” Matthew pressed, his voice hoarse with frustration. “I get that you’re saying you don’t love me back. I don’t believe you. But I get it. What I don’t get is how you expect me to just walk away? To forget everything we shared like it meant nothing. Like we meant nothing. I could understand if you gave me the cliched ‘it’s not you, it’s me, but let’s be friends’ line, but no—you just want to cut all ties?”

I shook my head, not bothering to glance in his direction.

“Cassie, look at me.” I turned to face him, avoiding direct eye contact, but through my peripheral vision, I noticed how he scanned me critically and shook his head. “You don’t love me?”

When I continued to evade his gaze and refused to answer, Matthew cradled my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. My eyes filled with unshed tears, and I knew Matthew had to have realized I wasn’t as unaffected as I pretended to be.

“How can you deny this?” he asked. His gaze burned into mine as he closed the distance between us. He stroked his fingers along my jaw, his thumb pulling on my bottom lip that I had trapped with my teeth.

Unconsciously, I stepped forward, tilting my head up in invitation, a whimper falling from my lips as he tightened the grip on my cheekbones.

He angled his head down, placing featherlight kisses along my jaw as he made his way up to my ear. He whispered, “Tell me to stop. Tell me to walk away.”

When he was met by nothing but silence, his mouth reclaimed mine, kissing me with everything he had. Like he knew we were meant to be together.

My eyes widened in surprise. I had never seen Matthew so bold.

His sweet breath fanned across my face as his mouth drew closer to my own. “I know you feel it.” He murmured the words as he pressed the palm of his hand over my heart, the rapid beating beneath his palm like a hummingbird’s wings. “Tell me you don’t want this. That you don’t want me.” His lips brushed over mine, taunting me with every pass. “Tell me.”

“I can’t,” I whimpered. I dropped my purse to the floor, clutched his shoulders desperately, and pulled him in, crashing my lips to his.

“Fuck.” Matthew growled as our tongues pushed and sucked and twisted, matching each other’s frantic pace.

Caught up in the moment, Matthew pressed his hips deep into the cradle of my thighs, his arousal hard and searching. Matthew had to have felt how much I wanted him despite my protests to the contrary. I couldn’t just forget how much history we had between us.

I responded to his need, grinding my hips back against his, making Matthew harder.

He backed us up until the rough brick pressed against my back and my breasts crushed against Matthew’s solid chest. Stepping back to give himself room to maneuver, his hands found the buttons on my shirt, popping a few in his haste to get me undressed before I took over unbuttoning the rest and threw it to the side.

He sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes roving over my body as he took a moment to appreciate my semi-naked form. My nipples were like two sharp points poking through the lace of my bra. Thank God I chose a nicer one today.

He leaned his forehead against mine, inhaling deeply and taking a moment to steady himself.

The intensity of that alone made my knees buckle.

Taking both of my hands in one of his, he raised my arms and pressed my back against the wall. A shudder raced through my body, my eyes fluttering shut briefly before I opened them and met his gaze. Once he was sure he had my undivided attention, he broke the silence.

“Tell me this isn’t real.” There was a challenge in his silky voice. “If this isn’t real, let’s play pretend.” He gave me a soft peck on the lips. “Pretend for me,” Matthew urged me.

I nodded, and my consent spurred him on. He released his grip on my wrists and trailed his fingers down my arms, sparking goosebumps along the way.

Like a starving man, Matthew pulled down a cup of my bra and latched onto my breast, sucking and flicking his tongue over my nipple, eliciting a deep moan from the back of my throat.

It had been such a long time since we had been together like this.

“Matthew,” I panted as I threw my head back. I held his head tight against my breast, basking in the attention of his sinful tongue.

He lifted his head and crushed his lips to mine. The kiss was everything. It was filled with want and need and so much passion it overwhelmed us both.

Matthew made quick work of my skirt, pushing it up to my waist, brushing his knuckles over my damp lace panties. He let out a soft groan. The evidence of my arousal must have tempted him to take a chance and push the boundaries further. Testing the waters, he ran a finger over my slit, teasing me and making me wetter.

My breathing accelerated, panting puffs of air into his ear as he continued to explore. My body couldn’t help but respond to the only person who knew my body better than I did. Each and every one of his touches lit my body on fire. Matthew continued to play my body like an instrument, and when he slid my panties aside and dipped his finger into my pussy, my body soared. He shallowly thrust in and out of me, teasingly. He added a second finger, twisting as he plunged them deep, searching for the spot that he knew would make my eyes roll back in my head.

“Fuck. You feel so good,” he said as he stole kisses from my lips.

The sensations that were coursing through my body overwhelmed me. It was too much. I felt myself hurtling toward release, but I didn’t want to just take. I needed to feel him, to touch him like he was touching me.

“I need …” I whispered against his ear.

“Tell me … what do you need?” Matthew swirled his thumb over my clit, keeping pace with the pumping of his fingers.

I gasped. Matthew continued to tease me, doing his best to drive me to the point of madness.

”I need to touch you. Please, let me touch you.”

Matthew nodded as his darkened gaze bore into my own.

I undid his pants and slid my hand into his boxers. His cock was hard and in need of some serious attention. I pulled him out and circled my hand around him, the tips of my fingers barely touching as I stroked him from base to tip. I swiped my thumb over the moisture beading there, using it to aid my strokes. Matthew thrust into my hand, groaning at my touch.

“Don’t stop.” He moaned as he redoubled his efforts to fuck me with his fingers.

I rode his hand, my legs trembling so much I was having difficulty staying upright. “More. I need more.” I released him and pushed his pants down. “Please. I need you to fuck me.” I gasped as he kissed my neck, his eager response matching my own.

When he broke for air, I asked, “Condom?”

Matthew groaned as I bucked against him. He nodded as he put the slightest bit of distance between us and reached into his pants to retrieve his wallet, pulling out the foil packet.

He made quick work of sheathing himself before he slid my panties down my legs. He tucked them in his pocket alongside his wallet. Matthew cupped my ass and hoisted me up, pressing me more firmly into the wall behind me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, grinding down on him, seeking friction. I dug my heels into his backside, pulling him to me.

He circled the tip of his length against my clit, making me throw my head back once more. “Do you want this?” he asked, his eyes dancing with excitement.

I nodded and kissed him, my lips quivering with unspoken passion.

Slowly the tip of his cock slipped into me, making me feel complete for the first time in ten years. We both groaned simultaneously, as Matthew pushed harder, sliding further and further until he was buried to the hilt.

“Fuck,” one of us cried out.

Matthew got lost inside of me. Like he had so many times before. He held me as close as he could, and I melted against him, curving into his hard edges. Matthew’s hardness electrified me.

“Oh God,” he mumbled as I kissed Matthew’s jaw, his head falling back slightly. Matthew tightened his grip on my ass, using the wall as leverage to thrust into me deeply. He pulled all the way out before sliding in until he’d bottomed out and our pelvises were flush.

Our mouths moved wildly against each other. Our hips jerked to meet the other, frantically. Matthew rotated his hips inside of me, hitting me exactly where I needed him. I moaned in response.

“You like that, baby? You like the way I fuck you?” Matthew panted, reminding me of my words earlier. He licked the rim of my ear, nibbling on the lobe before he whispered, “Tell me you can fake this.” He thrust his hips into me. Deeper. Harder.

My orgasm began to crest as Matthew drove faster into me, his hand now squeezing my hip, pushing my legs further apart. The angle made me moan so loud it echoed throughout the entire alley. “Oh yes,” I breathed. “Right there. Fuck me harder.”

He thrust deeper, grunting. A bead of sweat slipped down his forehead, and I kissed it away. Soon I gripped his shoulders, digging my fingernails into him so hard I was certain there would be marks the next day. I smirked, loving the idea of marking this gorgeous man, who made me feel this fucking good.

From what I knew about Matthew, I hoped this wasn’t just sex to him. No—this felt like it was everything he couldn’t say. He was showing me everything I wouldn’t allow him to say. I love you. Thrust . I will never leave you. Thrust . I’m sorry. Thrust .

“I love—I love how well you take my cock. Can’t get enough of you.”

I held onto him, going along for the ride as I became boneless. My body tightened, my arms grasping for him with each buck. My thighs held his waist in an impossible grip.

“Yes. Yes.” My head fell back but Matthew shook his head slightly, reaching a hand up to grip my hair and bring my attention back to him.

“Kiss me,” he demanded, and I did, riding out the waves of pleasure soaring through me.

Matthew’s climax wasn’t far behind. His cock exploded inside of me with such force I felt his knees buckle, causing him to nearly drop us both.

Euphoria rushed over us as we came down from our peaks. Through rapid inhales and steadying heartbeats, the air quickly changed, bringing reality with it.

Trying to catch my breath, I pushed my hands against Matthew’s chest, silently requesting to be let down.

Matthew set me back on my feet gently, and I scrambled to find my shirt in the alleyway, suddenly feeling shame in the situation. My movements were frantic with the change in mood, and Matthew had to grab it from the floor and hand it to me.

“Thanks,” I muttered.

Sex. It had just been sex , I mentally reasoned.

“Sure,” Matthew said, pulling his pants up and attempting to rebutton them in the dimly lit alleyway. “So I was thinking, would you have dinner with me?” he asked. “We can discuss us . Like I said before we got carried away, I have a lot to say.”

I just shook my head, facing the wall silently.

You would think nobody ever told us that sex doesn’t fix an already broken relationship.

“Cassie, please. Turn around,” Matthew demanded.

I shook my head again, trying to close my blouse despite a few missing buttons. “No.”

“No?” Matthew questioned.

“No, I meant what I said, I don’t love you like that anymore.” I paused. “I’ll always love you in my own way. Just not like that.” I choked the words out, tears streaming down my face.

“Wow. Okay.” Matthew blew out a breath. “God.”

“Just go. Please,” I repeated, an edge of desperation in my voice.

“Will you please call Audrey?” he asked. “I don’t want to leave you here. Alone.”

“Yes,” I muttered, pulling my phone out of my bag, waving it in his direction.

“For what it’s worth, I’ll always love you, Cassie,” he murmured, sincerely. “I hope we can be friends at the very least.”

Matthew lingered a moment, waiting for me to change my mind I suppose. The only thing that was different was that I held onto the wall with my hand to stabilize myself.

“Friends.” I nodded, still not looking at him, pulling a sweater out of my purse.

“Goodbye, Cassie,” he whispered. When I failed to reply, I heard Matthew’s footsteps echo against the concrete and he proceeded to walk away.

“Goodbye, Matty,” I said to the empty alleyway.