16. Dev
sixteen
dev
Five Schlongs Hen Party
Hudson Case
[Image attachment: The one ring to rule them all]
Garrett Meyer
Dude, did you go on a bank heist? You know the rest of us would have pooled our lunch money and bailed you out.
Hudson Case
I didn’t rob a bank, dipshit. This is a picture of Piper’s ring.
Garrett Meyer
Is this what we do now? Share pictures of women’s jewelry? Should we also discuss nail polish and the best ways to remove cuticles?
Dean Meyer
That’s pretty sexist, bro. I happen to have very healthy nails and cuticles.
Maybe Hudson accidentally shared this pic on this group chat instead of the one he has with the senior ladies he met at the last Bingo night. The one he has named “Hot Flashes and Adult Diapers”.
Garrett Meyer
Classic Hudson Case, boomer moment. [Old man taking selfie with backward Polaroid camera GIF]
Hudson Case
Why the fuck do I even associate with you idiots? This is Piper’s engagement ring. As in the ring Dev gave her last night.
Garrett Meyer
Wait, I thought Dev had already proposed. Isn’t she living with him now? Why do I feel like I’m living in a weird time loop?
Dean Meyer
Probably because you’re a pilot and cross time zones for work. Maybe the things that happen in the present reset when you go back a time zone.
Darian Meyer
That’s not how time zones work, you idiot.
Dev Menon
How the fuck do you have a picture of my fiancée’s hand?
Dean Meyer
Anyone else notice how growly he gets at the mention of Sniperella? Very jealous-possessive-alpha.
Hudson Case
@Dev Menon, easy there, lover boy. No need to get your toupee in a twist. She sent it to me.
Dev Menon
I find that hard to believe.
Hudson Case
In case you’re having a case of amnesia, you do recall that I’m the one who introduced you to her? Piper and I are friends. She’s like a daughter to me. She sent this picture to me when I messaged her to book a haircut for the next time I’m in town and told me you proposed yesterday.
Garrett Meyer
This is probably not the time to remind everyone that Hudson married a woman younger than his daughter, who happened to work for him.
[GIF of Michael Scott saying, “Don’t hurt me.”]
Dean Meyer
@Hudson Case, I thought your only friends are the pigeons you yell at in the park, and that post office clerk you rant to about stamp prices going up.
Also, @Dev Menon, I’m curious, did you have to put a ring on her hairless pussy, too?
Garrett Meyer
I’d almost forgotten about the walking chicken breast with claws. Didn’t she try to mate with your head last time, Dev?
Dean Meyer
Someone is seriously pussy -whipped. Just curious, does this kitty have an OnlyFans?
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Hudson Case
Christ. I think I need something stronger than a drink. A lobotomy, perhaps.
Dev Menon
For once, Hudson, I agree with you.
Dean Meyer
Aww, look at hairless pussies bringing us all together.
@Darian Meyer, I swear to God, if you don’t grow some actual balls . . .
@Dev Menon, just curious, since you’ve managed to shock us all the past couple of weeks, now that you’ve put a ring on it, can we assume Tiny Dev is getting action from more than just your hand?
Dev Menon
You can assume you’re an asshole.
Dean Meyer
Jesus. So catty.
[GIF of Two hairless cats fighting]
Darian Meyer
How has it been living with her?
Dev Menon
You mean, her and her two fucking rabbits?
Garrett Meyer
Hold up. Rabbits?! Are they hairless, too? Is this some bizarre fucking form of foreplay to jump-start your dick?
Dev Menon
She’s trying to become a rabbit breeder. The little shits have chewed up one of my Persian rugs because my pet hoarder fiancée feels they need a “safe space” to run around free six hours a day. Not to mention, they wreaked fucking havoc in my house when she moved in.
Darian Meyer:
She’s trying to become a rabbit breeder? What the hell?
Hudson Case
At least the bunnies are getting more action than Dev has in years.
Dean Meyer
So, let me get this straight. You have a fiancée who scalped you, a hairless cat who wants to have your bald babies, and rabbits that are treating your multi-million-dollar minimalist manor like a fucking salad bar? And it’s still unclear if you’ve been laid.
Garrett Meyer
Your house was on Architectural Digest last year. Maybe you’ll make Animal Planet this year. Your wet dreams are coming true, Tiny Dev!
Dean Meyer
Tiny Dev would be the animal featured on the cover of that issue. Captioned: Rare sighting of a shriveled up trouser snake in its natural habitat.
Dev Menon
I’m leaving this chat and changing my fucking number. Don’t try to find me.
Dean Meyer
Don’t worry, we’ll follow the trail of hair. Oh wait . . .
[ Dev Menon has left the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Dev Menon to the chat]