Chapter 18 Angry Enough To Hope It Hurts #2
By the time I'm finished cleaning up my mess in the kitchen and back in my room resting against my headboard, it's way past time for Amelia to be home.
I flip through the movies on my Netflix queue, trying to decide what I'm in the mood for while I wait for my best friend to answer.
"Hello?" she answers breathlessly, followed by a muffled masculine voice.
My lips tilt up. "Amelia Jane, do you have a guy over?"
"You're clearly hearing things," she mutters, heading onto her balcony from the sound of the sliding glass door opening.
"You're so full of shit."
"It's nobody. Just a good fuck," she says in a strange tone.
That same masculine voice snaps something, and she covers the mouthpiece to say something back, and then the sliding door slams together.
If I hadn’t been paying close attention, I would have missed the tiny catch in her breath. That’s all I need to know exactly who was just at her place.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask softly.
"Nope," she says, popping the p.
"I'm here when you're ready."
"I know, babe. Anyway, what's up?"
"AlekaskedmeonadateandIsaidyes," I push out so fast the words run together.
"Dear Goddess of the lust moon, please tell me you just said Alek asked you on a date and you said yes."
I nod vigorously until I realize she can't see me. "Yep."
"Well, shit, baby cakes. Slap my ass and call me mommy. I didn't think you were ever going to accept." The excitement in her voice dies down. "But you're calling because you want to know what I think. Let me guess. That big, beautiful heart of yours isn't as sure as you want it to be, is it?"
"Why isn't it as easy for me as it was for him, Mel?
Why can't I just disregard him and what he means to me?
There's so much anger inside me, and my thoughts are heading in a direction that terrifies me.
My first thought when Alek kissed me earlier was that I hoped Keaton could witness it so he'd feel a small piece of what I did.
I've got this need inside me, Mel, that wants to fucking hurt him so bad, and I hate it.
This isn't who I am, and it scares the hell out of me.
I'm not someone who needs vengeance on another person because they hurt me. "
"It's difficult for you, Charlie, because you're this amazing fucking person who could never destroy someone's soul like that.
When you love, you do it hard and deeply.
Completely forget how sexual that sounds.
But I digress, cheaters usually have something missing inside them.
They see something shiny they want and make excuses to justify the way they're feeling.
It's natural to want to hurt the person who broke you so viciously.
It doesn't mean you're a bad person because of it.
You're healing, babe. And that means you're going to go through every damn emotion known to man. What does Rebecca tell you?"
"Embrace them."
"Embrace them. Every single ugly, dirty one," she asserts. "As for Alek...what do you want, Charlie? Truly want. Not what you think you should do, not what anyone else thinks you should do. What do you want?"
I close my eyes as I fight back the overwhelming need to cry.
"I want to be fucking happy. I want to stop hurting.
I want Keaton not to have cheated on me.
I want Keaton..." My eyes flash open as determination sets into my soul.
"...but right now, I also don't. I want to go out and have fun.
I want to smile and laugh, and for it to be real.
I need to know that I can do all of that without Keaton. "
"And Alek?"
"Alek is...Alek. He's a great friend and a good kisser. We have decent chemistry, but he's got feelings for someone else, and I don't see him as anything more than a casual friendship."
"No spanking that wank?"
I roll my eyes and laugh. "You're so fucking ridiculous. But...I honestly can't answer that. Like I said, we have chemistry, and when we're in the heat of the moment, I can lose myself in him and not think about anyone else. So, there is enough attraction there that it would probably be enjoyable."
"All right. What is it that's holding you back? Besides the fact that you love that shit sniffing ineffectual back alley sperm splatter."
I'm used to the hilarious, albeit sometimes weird, names she likes to call people she doesn't like, so I normally just smile and shake my head, but the way she says this one so casually breaks something open inside of me.
Laughter erupts from me, so fierce my stomach aches.
The sound fills the room, wild and real—something neither of us has heard in months.
I can’t even remember the last time I laughed like this and meant it.
Deep down, I think I always sensed what was happening with Keaton and Rianna, even before I admitted it to myself.
Somewhere between her return and that night two months ago, I lost some of my shine.
Now, if I looked in the mirror, I’d barely recognize the girl staring back.
"I don't want to be like him. He ended up having sex with someone he swore was just a friend, which is what I've always told him Alek was."
"He was in a relationship with you when he did that, Charlie.
He lied the entire time about wanting to be with her.
You've always been truthful about Alek and never once entertained the idea until Keaton cheated on you.
You're single now, so if you decide to sleep with him when you're ready, you'll be nothing like that cheating shit muffin.
So, get that out of your head. If you want to ride that man like you're competing at the next rodeo, then I say jump on it and work what your mama gave you.
If you don't, then just go on this date, lay out the boundaries, and have fucking fun. "
I chew on my bottom lip. "Yeah, but don't you think it's too soon to even be talking about this?"
"Keaton destroyed your entire relationship in one day, Charlie.
One day. Was it all building up to what happened?
Yeah, but there was still plenty of time to walk away.
Instead, he made the one choice that completely destroyed what you two had, and he did that in one day.
It's been two months. You've been working hard to heal.
So, the only person who can determine whether it's too soon is you, baby cakes.
Fuck what anyone else says. You're not living their life. "
We jabber for a bit longer before we're both yawning.
"Oh, before we go, Mama said that we'd better be there this weekend. They're having a barbecue and they demanded our presence. She threatened to come get us with the whoopin' spoon if we don't show," I say with a chuckle.
"Shit. Not the damn spoon," Amelia gripes fondly. "All right. Just shoot me a text and let me know when to be there. Love you, baby cakes."
"Love you too, sugar tits."
I spin my phone between my fingers, wrestling with a reckless urge. That dark, restless need inside me scratches at the surface, desperate to break free, and I’m losing the fight.
ME
I kissed Alek today. Twice. I agreed to go on a date with him.
I felt his dick against my leg and thought about letting him take me against the door of my apartment. But then I realized it would be too much like you. Want to know the difference, though? I'm single, and you weren't.
Who knows what will happen on the date? They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. We all know I want to get over your cheating ass.
No sooner do I send them, regret sets in. I've been doing so well about not letting him see how much he's hurt me.
I watch as the three little bubbles appear, showing me he's writing a reply, and I hold my breath, waiting for it to come in.
Only it doesn't.
The dots appear and disappear a few more times before stopping completely.
Since I'm already on a losing roll, I say fuck it and go all in before blocking him again.
ME
Keep your girlfriend on a leash like the bitch she is. If she comes by my work again, I'm going to press charges for harassment.
Frustrated, I toss my phone onto the bed and flick off the light. Two months of holding strong, and all it takes is one miserable day ruined by his mistress for me to shatter my own no-contact rule. Maybe the only silver lining is that I finally said yes to Alek.
It scares the hell out of me, but I’m set on having a damn good time. I refuse to think any further than that.
My day would have ended so perfectly if Keaton had responded and fed on this ugly, burning need inside of me for his pain.
And when I get up in the morning to head to work and find the note taped to my door, I get a reprieve from the gnawing hunger inside of me.