Chapter 18 Angry Enough To Hope It Hurts
Angry Enough To Hope It Hurts
Charlie | The Past
Fresh from the shower and with a satisfied stomach, I burrow under my covers, scrolling for the perfect show to fill the quiet.
My mind keeps going over the fact that I agreed to go on a date with Alek, assuming it's still something he wants when he gets back from spending the weekend with Jerica.
I don't really know Jerica. I know she's David's sister, and her ex also cheated on her with Rianna. She’s always been friendly when we've crossed paths, but that's about it. She seems great and absolutely stunning. I know how it feels to be pushed before you're ready, and I won’t do that to Alek. I'll support him and remind him it's okay if he still has feelings for her. But these are things he has to figure out on his own. Jerica looks happy with her boyfriend, and from what I’ve seen, there’s nothing to hint that she feels the same way about Alek. Then again, maybe she’s just hiding it well.
Honestly, the fact that his heart is tangled up with someone else makes saying yes to a date feel safer. There’s no pressure for anything real, nothing heavy. Serious and I are oil and water these days, especially after everything I’ve survived.
I finish my last wing and grab my phone. Pressing a few buttons, I put it on speaker as I wait for my dad to answer.
"Charlie-girl," he answers in that gruff voice I've heard since childhood.
"Hey, daddy."
"You sound tired. Long day?"
I chuckle and can detect the bitterness in it with my own ears. "You can say that." I let out a heavy breath. "Rianna came in today."
"Bitch," my dad growls, and it makes me smile to imagine the snarl on his face.
To say my parents dislike Rianna is an understatement.
I don't know who my parents are mad at more, her or Keaton.
It hurts them to have so much anger at Keaton because he grew up with me and was basically another child to them.
I don't and never would expect them to hate him.
It would only cause them pain, and I never want to do that to my parents.
They went through enough of that when they lost Joley.
When I made Keaton call to tell them, at the time, my main concern was making sure I wasn't responsible for having to tell our parents about his fuckup.
I knew my parents would be disappointed in him, and I knew that would hurt him more than anything, but I think the true extent of their anger surprised me.
It shouldn't have because my parents have always had my back, no matter what I was going through.
“You're still so mad at him, Dad,” I state.
“Of course, I am,” Dad growls. “He cheated on you. He killed your light, and that's something that's always going to be hard for me to forgive.”
“Mom said he's been trying to call you all each week, but that you've not answered.”
“We haven't. What would we say to him? He knows we're disappointed and angry at him.”
“It's hurting you and Mama.”
“And we'll survive. We're your parents, Charlie. As much as he's a son to us, you're our flesh and blood. You will always come first. Now, what’s on your mind, kiddo?”
"There's something I want your opinion on."
"You going to keep an old man waiting, or am I gonna have to use my awesome kickass superpower and read your mind?" he teases.
I snicker. "You're ridiculous. I don't know how Mom puts up with you."
"Probably because of the big-"
"Nope. No way. Lalalala, I can't hear you," I interrupt.
He laughs. "Bouquets, Charlie. The big bouquets I bring her every day. Sheesh, kid. Now tell me what you want my opinion on."
"Alek asked me on a date again, and this time, I told him I would."
My parents met Alek a few times back when Keaton and I were together.
Whenever they visited me and Amelia, David and Alek always ended up in our plans.
David’s interest in Amelia was obvious, and my parents have practically adopted her, so he wanted their approval.
David is as much a heartbreaker as Alek, always with someone new.
In school, I used to joke that the only girls he hadn’t dated were me and Amelia.
Lately, though, Amelia acts differently with him, and I worry he might hurt her.
I need to talk to her before my gut feeling becomes reality.
"And you want to know what I think about it?" Dad asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
"I guess. I don't know, Dad. What if I'm not ready?"
"There's only one person who can answer that, Charlie.
I think the only way you're going to know is if you go.
When you're there, pay attention to how you feel.
You'll know. If you're not ready, don't force yourself just because you think you should.
If you are, then proceed with what makes you happy.
Healing doesn't have a time limit, and each person is different. How are you feeling about it?"
"I don't know. My emotions are all over the place. Part of me feels guilty. Like I shouldn’t be seeing anyone else, and I wouldn’t be if Keaton hadn’t cheated.
But I’m also angry and tired of hurting.
I want to feel something different, and being with Alek helps.
It doesn’t hurt as much when he’s around.
I don’t see it as more than friendship, but is it bad to just hang out as friends? "
"No, baby girl. Just make sure neither of you gets hurt.
And just... do it for the right reason, not for revenge.
It may feel good in the moment, but when it's all said and done, you're going to regret it because that's not who you are.
If you're doing it, make sure it doesn't impede your healing," Dad implores.
"I promise I'm not doing it for revenge.
I won't lie, though. If Keaton hears about it, I won't be sad if he feels just a hint of the pain I did.
" My throat tightens as water fills my eyes, and I fight them back.
No more fucking crying. "Why should I be the only one who has to feel this pain, daddy? " I finish in a whisper.
"I don't know, baby girl. Sometimes people make shit choices without fully grasping all the destruction that'll be left behind.
Not until it's too late to stop it. Then everyone is left sifting through what's left behind to navigate a new life.
So, listen to me, my beautiful, sweet girl.
I love you and I love Keaton, but he broke something between you all that may not be fixable.
You do whatever the hell you need to in order to heal and find peace again. "
By the time his impassioned speech is over, tears pour down my face because I can hear the hurt in my father's voice.
Hurt for me and hurt for Keaton.
"I love you so much, Dad. Thank you. You and Mom are amazing parents, and I wouldn't know what to do without you."
"Hopefully we don't have to worry about that for a long while, yeah? I love you too, kiddo." Mom's voice is muffled in the background. "Mom says she loves you, too, and that you and Mel better be here this weekend. Otherwise, she's coming to get you ladies and bringing her whoopin' spoon."
A laugh escapes me as I picture Mom’s legendary whoopin’ spoon.
She’d chase me, Keaton, and Amelia around the house, brandishing it like a weapon, though it was mostly for show—just a few playful swats.
It’s become a family legend. Whenever someone ignores her, she threatens the spoon, lips twitching as she tries to keep a straight face.
"Love her too, and we'll be there."
We talk for a few more minutes before ending the call with promises to take care of myself.
I’m tempted to call Amelia for her take, but she’s still stuck at work for another hour.
After graduation, Mel landed a job as a software analyst in Sheffield, but she’s only twenty minutes away, so we still get our daily dose of each other.
Sometimes she comes here, sometimes I go to her place.
She’s been my anchor through all this mess, and honestly, I have no idea where I’d be without her.
She told me the day we came home from meeting Keaton at Grinders that she filled him in on just how much he broke me.
I was upset at first because I didn't want either of them to know how much damage they'd done.
But when she explained why she did it, I understood.
Keaton was still struggling to accept the fallout from his cheating.
I knew he realized he hurt me, but I don't think he was grasping just how much.
Two months ago, Keaton was still being selfish and making it about him.
She needed something to break through that, and she thought hearing how bad it was would do it.
I kind of wish I'd been able to see his face so I could know if it worked.
He finally let me read the messages between him and Rianna that day, but it was too little too late.
It's not like I'd find anything on that phone anyway because I noticed it was a new one, and the message thread only went back to the ones sent on that date.
I wanted to ask him what happened to his old one, but since I already had a pretty good idea, I didn't want it confirmed.
There was so much I wanted to say to him when he told me the results of his STD test. The fact that he tested positive was fucking destroying my heart.
I kept my mouth shut, though, knowing nothing good would come out if I opened it to say what I wanted.
So I let my journal absorb the storm of my anger instead.
Amelia has told me she believes I should give it to Keaton when it's full, so that he can get a look inside my head and feel the pain he's caused me.
Ever since he started sending the letters, I've given it more thought.
I'm still not sure, though. My head is sometimes a dark mess, full of anger, hate, and love that I can't express out loud, and I don't know if I want to let him see that vulnerable side of me.