Chapter 31 I Don’t Think We’ve Been Introduced #2
His body goes utterly still beneath my touch, and my knees tremble. Electricity flickers across my skin, a bittersweet ache blooming in my chest.
“St—” I start, but clear my throat when it comes out scratchy. “Stay.”
When he turns to peer at me, his eyes searching, I give him a small smile. “I just met you. I’d like to—” I blow out a breath, “—I’d like to know more about you.”
Am I ready for this?
No. No, I’m absolutely not. But I also think I am. I have to make peace with him somewhere, and being reintroduced as if we’d never met before gives me that chance.
“Are you sure?” he asks, his eyes still moving over my face.
“Yes,” I nod. Then I shake my head. “No.”
I let my hand fall from his arm, grimacing. “I don’t know, Keaton. Let’s just hang out with everyone. Please don’t push me. This is all I can give you right now.”
“Understood, Charlie. You’re in control here. You always will be, okay?”
I nod and wait while he and his friend Brock grab their things.
I study Keaton’s friend as I wait for them.
The empathetic side of me wants to wrap him up in a warm, fuzzy blanket and tell him that everything is going to be okay.
The betrayed side of me recognizes he mimics Keaton's mannerisms, and that doesn’t bode well for his reasoning behind his pain.
Neither of them says anything as I lead us over to the table with Alek, Amelia, and the others. That’s okay with me because I need a breather before any more interaction between us.
They pass greetings around when we reach the table, but then it happens to me. For the first time, I struggle with my decisions. Do I take the seat next to my used-to-be lover-turned-best friend or do I take the one next to the ex-boyfriend who once cut me open and made me bleed?
It’s not a choice I have to make, though, because both the guys rearrange it so that I don’t feel like I’m hurting either of them. They place me in the middle of them. I mean, all in all, it’s not exactly a bad place to be, I guess.
Amelia glances over at me with a smirk, her eyes full of mirth at my situation. She wiggles her brows, and I know she’s just trying to help with the uncomfortableness of it all.
With an exaggerated groan, I flop back in my chair, eyes squeezed shut, abandoning any pretense of ladylike behavior. In this dress Alek forced me into, I’m probably flashing half the bar, but I can’t bring myself to care.
Gentle fingers graze my thigh, tentative and electric, sending goosebumps racing up my skin. I don’t need to look to know whose touch it is. The one who shouldn’t still have a place in my heart.
I sigh, open my eyes, and shift away until he has to let go. His touch is as familiar as my own, and sometimes I ache for it, but right now, I can’t let myself want it.
Shoot. I don’t know if it ever will be again.
Sometimes I wish I could peek into the future, just to know if there’s a day when this stops hurting. A day I won’t feel ashamed for missing the version of him I loved before Rianna. Maybe then I’d know if all this pain will ever be worth it.
Unfortunately, I’m not that lucky.
Every moment with him now feels like a gamble. A risk to my heart, my mind, and all the healing I’ve managed so far.
But isn’t that what life is? A risk? A roll of the dice? We never know what’s coming next. Losing my baby sister at five, then finding the love of my life tangled up with the town’s biggest mistake, taught me one thing: life is meant to be lived in the now.
Control what you can control. Yourself. Your thoughts, your emotions, your actions…they’re going to be the determining factor in how the rest of your life plays out.
The only one in control of your future…is you.
I give Keaton a tight smile. “So, tell me about who Keaton Carr is,” I demand, playing along with these new roles of strangers that he gave us when I walked in.
He stares at me for so long with unreadable eyes that I shift in my chair.
The hair lifts on the back of my neck as if he’s probing my soul.
It’s like he’s trying to determine how much truth I’m able to handle, and something about that excites and terrifies me because it means he’s willing to open up.
That he’s going to do it here in front of everyone? It’s huge.
Keaton catches the way I wiggle in my seat, though, because he grimaces and breaks off the stare. “Sorry, I don’t want to cause you any more hurt if I can help it, so I guess I was trying to determine how much truth you can handle.”
A gentle warmth blooms in my chest. I give him a soft smile and raise an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what you mean, Keaton. We’ve only just met, remember?”
The eyes of our friends rest heavily upon us, but they deter neither of us as we’re determined to finish this first meeting of ours. Rebecca told me that this first conversation with him after all of this would be one of our toughest emotionally.
“Right,” he says, blowing out a heavy breath. “Then I suppose I should introduce myself properly.”
I steel myself for whatever comes next.
“I already told you my name is Keaton. There are more important things about me I feel should be out in the open, though, before we go any further in this friendship.”
I don’t correct his assumption on where this is going because I don't think I'm as healed as I thought I was. I keep quiet because I know whatever is about to come from his mouth is about to break me and heal pieces of me simultaneously.
“See, growing up, there was this girl. Prettiest thing I had ever seen. She had these long curls that were so white they almost seemed more silver. And her eyes, god, her eyes captivated me from the moment they caught mine. We were just little kids, but there was something about her that just told me she was special and she’d change my life in ways I’d never learn until later. ”
My fingers curl into fists on my thighs to keep from reaching out to him to soothe the pain in his voice. I can’t.
“It took me years to realize I’d fallen ridiculously and hopelessly in love with her. This slip of a girl had me, and I don’t even think she knew how much. Of course, how could she when I never really opened up and let her know that?”
Our table is quiet, the group captivated by the vulnerability being shown to us by someone we least expected to show it.
“I don’t know why it was so hard for me to let her see those parts of me.
Those parts that make us all human. The emotions.
I mean, I told her I loved her because it’s always been my one truth.
” Keaton pierces me with a look that steals my breath.
“Always. Even in the most fucked-up times, I showed her it wasn't possible. You see, Charlie, one of the most important things you should know about me is that I did the one thing neither of us thought I was capable of. I broke one of the most beautiful souls that has ever been placed on this earth, and there’s not a day…not even a second that goes by, that I don’t hate what I did to her.
There’s not a day that I look at myself in the mirror and don't hate the reflection shining back at me. It reflects the uglier part of me I didn’t know I had.
It’s that part that I’m trying to come to terms with now.
I didn’t just destroy her, I destroyed myself and all the memories we had together.
I’ve had to sit back and watch her fight to pick up the pieces I was responsible for breaking because my presence only added to the bleeding wounds she’s been trying to heal. ”
When the first tears fall from Keaton’s lonely eyes, I’m unable to stop myself from reaching out and placing my hand over his to give him that small piece of connection from me he needs. His form goes hazy as my own eyes fill.
The smile he gives me is probably one of the saddest I’ve ever seen.
“I’ve gotten to watch as day by day, she grew stronger with the help of friends.
” Keaton extends his arm, lifting his hand to cup my cheek.
“I’ve had to witness the moment that she was ready to grace someone else with her beauty, and much as it burns me to my fucking soul, it also makes me happy because I destroyed a piece of her I wasn’t sure she’d ever find again.
” He drops his hand and peers over at Alek.
“I never really thought I’d be thanking the man who did that for her, but I am.
Because of him, she found that piece that she needed to help her on her healing journey.
And for that, he’ll always have my gratitude.
” Then he smirks. “No matter how much I’d love to shove my goddamn fist down his throat. ”
Keaton stands and lifts the bottom of his shirt to wipe his eyes.
A glimpse of fresh ink on his skin makes me swallow hard and look away.
He takes a deep breath. “So, hi. I’m Keaton, and I cheated on the love of my life.
That’s not who I am. Not anymore, anyway.
I’m working to be better, to do better. I’m working to find out why I did it so I can fix whatever is wrong inside me that led me to do something so despicable.
I never plan to stop working to be a better person.
No matter the journey her life takes her on. It’s the least she deserves from me.”
The tip of his ears turns red, and he rubs the back of his neck with a grimace. “Sorry, guys. I think it’s probably best that I go home. Thanks for having me out tonight. It’s actually been pretty nice.”
He grabs his friend, whose name I never really caught, and heads for the exit. With every step he takes away from me, my heart beats faster.
It feels like a thousand things are left unsaid. I need to say something—anything—before he’s gone.
“Go,” Alek urges quietly.
I peer over at Amelia. She’s staring at me with soft eyes, and for the first time, she’s not really saying anything. But then she gives me a subtle nod, encouraging me to feel whatever the hell I’m feeling inside and do what feels right to me.
I leap from my seat, wobbling on my heels before steadying myself and darting after him. I push through the crowd, rougher than usual, desperate not to let Keaton leave before I can thank him for what he did.
“Keaton,” I call, but he doesn’t hear me, continuing on toward the door.
Shit.
Stopping in place, I lean down and remove the heels, dangling them from my fingers as I rush after him. He shoves through the door without looking back.
“Move,” I snap at a guy blocking my path. His eyes go wide, and he scrambles aside.
I slam my hands against the exit bar and shove the door open.
“Keaton,” I call out again, rushing toward where he’s about to climb into his truck.
His face goes slack as his eyes widen when he sees me hurrying to him. “Charlie? Is everything okay? What’s wrong?”
I stop when there are a few feet between us, not ready to get closer than that. Tonight has been emotional enough. There’s no way in hell I'll be able to handle close physical proximity with him.
“I just wanted to tell you it was nice meeting you, Keaton. Maybe we’ll see each other around.”
His lips part, and he rubs his hand over his heart as he stares at me, speechless. I give him a little smile and turn to go back in.
But something tugs at my soul, words my heart refuses to leave unsaid. I turn back to face him.
“Hey, Keaton.” He glances over the frame of the truck door.
“That girl you spoke so beautifully about. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t hate you.
At least not anymore. And I’m pretty sure you probably gave her a lot of happy years.
Years that she wouldn't trade, not even after the pain she went through. And I’m confident that she would tell you that even though you made a lot of really terrible decisions that broke her, she would want you to know that she doesn’t think you’re a bad guy.
You mentioned having an ugly side to yourself that you didn’t know about.
I’ll tell you, she does too. She’s just fantastic at accepting it.
And in doing that, she’s able to balance so that it doesn’t destroy her life. Have a good night, Keaton.”
This time, I don't look back as I walk away. I can feel it building inside of me, the pain, the love, the heartbreak, and the fucking memories. So, instead of going back to my group of friends, I stand inside the door until I know Keaton is gone, and then I go back outside.
I order an Uber and lean against the building as the first sob tears free. The pain is sharp, but it feels like healing, and that terrifies me. I clutch my shoes to my chest, as if a pair of red-soled heels could somehow hold all the hurt inside.
Alek and Amelia rush out the door just as the Uber is pulling up.
“What the fuck, Char? Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t I have to get a phone call from that fuck hat telling me to come check on you?” Amelia snarks as she wraps me in her arms and guides me to our ride.
“Keaton called you?” I ask, my voice cracking from the tears.
She snorts, and Alek chuckles. “Of course he did. As much as I hate to admit it, that man knows you. He knew what you were going to pull.”
“I’m scared,” I whisper, voice barely holding together.
“I know you are. And I’m scared with you because I can’t see you broken like that again, Charlie.
It destroyed me to know that you had so much agony going on inside of you, and I couldn’t do anything to fix it.
You’re my best friend, and I had to sit and watch you break.
” She brushes the hair from my eyes and gives me that lopsided smile of hers that she rarely lets anyone else see.
“But as you always tell me…live in the now, Charlie. You control your life. Always remember that.”
I lean into my two best friends, their hands tangled with mine, grounding me in the present as I try not to think about what comes next.
Because honestly, the future is terrifying, and maybe it’s better to stumble into it blind, no matter how foolish that sounds.
Live in the now.
Maybe that’s wise, because for the first time since that day in the pool house, I can be near Keaton without being triggered. Even when he spoke about it, the flashbacks stayed away. I remember the words I gave him before he left.
It doesn’t mean I’m ready to forgive, but it does mean I’m healing, just as I should be.
And honestly, that’s the most I could ask for right now.
I’m healing, moment by moment, day by day.
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the seat as a genuine smile paints my face.
I’m not broken anymore. With my friends’ help, I’ve reshaped myself into someone who’s just a little bit bent, and that’s okay.
And I think I’m okay with that.