Chapter 5
My teeth continueto chatter on the drive to Benji’s hotel. I know logically I’m safe, but I can’t shake off the chill that’s invaded my bones. That’s the thing though, fear isn’t logical. It festers and spreads its disease. Jesse is dead. I watched as Damien Blackthorne fired a bullet into his skull and yet he’s still torturing me. I don’t know when he’s going to let go of his hold on me, because if death didn’t break it, I’m not sure what will.
At least today I don’t have to cope alone. I don’t know what I’d do without Benji in my corner. Actually, I guess I kind of do. All these months away from him have shown me the coldness of life without his arms around me to keep me steady. What I have with him might not be the fiery passion I had with Ford, but what we had burned me in the end.
There’s something to be said about the warmth of a love that grows from friendship. It’s calm and steady. Maybe it doesn’t heat up between the sheets, but since my three days of hell in Jesse’s house of horrors, I’m not interested in sex with anyone. There’s no reason not to believe that I can’t grow to desire Benji one day, when I’m able to think about intimacy again without wanting to vomit. He’s handsome, loving, funny, basically everything someone could want in a man. But what if it’s not what I want?
It doesn’t take long before he pulls into the circle drive of the hotel and hands the keys off to the valet. Ever the gentleman, Benji gets out of the driver’s side, and rounds the car to open my door. A smile lights up his face as he takes my left hand in his and feels the ring on my finger once again. I know he’s reading something more into me wearing it now than I mean to say, but maybe, deep down, I want him to.
I don’t have the guts to make a decision about my future, so it would be just like me to put myself into a situation where my back is against the wall. I think I want my choice to be made for me. That sounds so wrong considering everything I’ve been through recently, but when Benji is the one making the decision, I trust it will be the right one. Lord knows when I run my own life it turns into a hot mess.
Hand in hand he leads me through the lobby of the hotel and up to his suite. When he pushes the door open he sweeps me up into his arms and carries me over the threshold. I giggle at his theatrics.
Benji leans down and kisses my forehead. “It’s good to hear you laugh again, Tessie. It’s been far too long.”
“Not much has struck me as particularly funny in quite a while,” I say as he sets me on my feet.
From anyone else the sadness in his eyes as he looks down at me would feel a lot like pity, but from Benji it feels like concern. “I know, baby doll, but it won’t always be this way. I know you won’t forget what you went through, but I swear you will find a way to live with it. I will do whatever I can to help you find peace.”
I grab his shirt, and pull him to me. “You are my peace,” I say sincerely.
He wraps his arms around me and there it is, that feeling of warmth and love. Is it the same as what I had before? No, but maybe in a lot of ways it’s better. “I’ve got an answer for you,” I whisper into his neck.
“Are you sure? I don’t ever want you to feel pressured, or that you owe me. I’m not going anywhere, even if your answer is no. I’ll love you either way.”
I stretch up on my toes and hesitantly place a tentative kiss on his lips. I’ve kissed him before, exactly once, and that was right after we were set up. I didn’t feel a spark in the kiss, and I thought we both decided we were meant to be friends. I guess he only agreed so he wouldn’t lose me.
Benji takes the hint and kisses me again. Soft at first, then bolder as I respond. He’s got skills, and he doesn’t cause me to seize up in panic, but I still pull away when it starts to get a bit too heated.
He presses his forehead against mine. “Sorry. I got a bit carried away. Let me take you out tonight. I’d like to give you a real proposal. You deserve to be wined and dined. I just didn’t want to spring something like that on you after everything.”
I kiss him again. “You think of everything. I’m sorry I made you wait so long for an answer.”
He smiles at me and brushes his knuckles across my cheek. “Don’t you know by now, Tessie? I’d wait forever for you.”
Not going to lie, I swoon a little. My friend just made me swoon. Maybe crossing that line won’t be so hard after all.
“We’ve got a couple of hours before our dinner reservations. You’ve had an eventful night. Do you want to rest for a while? I’ll lie down with you for a while and hold you.”
I raise my eyebrow. “Is that all? Just cuddle up on your bed.”
“When we’re together it’s our bed. Our relationship might be changing, but not the fact that you can always trust me. I know what you’ve been through. I’m in no hurry, Tessie. I have waited this long for you. I can wait much longer. Forever if I have to.”
“So you haven’t—” I can’t even get the words out of my mouth.
“I’m not a monk. I haven’t been with anyone since I knew I couldn’t pretend anymore that I only wanted to be friends. Before that, there were some women I saw casually.” He exhales. “Do we really have to talk about this? I don’t want you to tell me if you and Ford have been together again since you’ve been back here. As far as I’m concerned this is the moment when we begin, and nothing before this matters. Can we agree on that?”
I loop my arms around his neck and kiss him slowly. “I love you, Benji.” And hopefully, someday I’ll love him in the same way he seems to love me.
* * *
“Okay,I’ve let you play fairy godmother.” I swish around the bottom of the dress he laid out for me after he comforted me into a mini coma. It’s a beautiful cobalt blue with a black lace overlay. “I’m even wearing the shoes you picked out. The least you could do is tell me where we’re going.”
Benji glances at me out of the corner of his eye as he navigates the streets of a swanky part of Playa Pacifica. The cracked sidewalks and grimy windows covered by bars are replaced with pristine pavement and glittering glass buildings. “You’re worse than a kid at Christmas, you know that?”
He’s not wrong. I’m wiggling and bouncing exactly like a child ready to rip into boxes covered in bright, shiny paper. For once, Benji doesn’t cave into my pouting and give me what I want. I won’t tell him this, but I like it when he resists me. Life is boring if you don’t have to work for anything.
I start to recognize the scenery as we get closer to the Ocean Bluff neighborhood of Playa. My heart starts to race, and not with excitement. “Benji, why are we going to my old neighborhood?”
He reaches across the console and takes my hand. “Shit, Tessie, I didn’t think about that. I’m not going to spring a surprise reunion on you or anything. I wanted to take you to Mack’s on the Pier. Tracy told me that it’s the most romantic place in the city.”
I exhale in relief. Being back here dredges up a lot of painful memories. All the months I’ve been in Playa I have avoided stepping foot in Ocean Bluff. This might not be the site of my worst memories, but this is the place where it all started to go wrong.
Benji pulls into the parking lot down by the pier. He turns to look at me, and his lips curl into that grin I love so much. The sun is just starting to sink into the Pacific, throwing a rosy glow across his face, and making his baby blues look a little violet in the waning light. Sitting here with him I can see how the pieces fit together.
I wish I could undo more than a few of the things I’ve experienced, but who knows where I’d be now if I could. Untie just one string, and maybe the entire web comes undone. As corny as it sounds, even inside my own head, if I’m going to tie a knot to someone else’s string, I’m lucky it gets to be Benji’s.
He wipes his hands on the front of his slacks. “Why am I so nervous? You’re already wearing the ring,” he mutters, mostly to himself.
This time I’m the one who needs to lend my strength. I tip my head to the door. “Shall we?”
He really has thought of everything. The ma?tre d’ shows us to a table outside where the boardwalk juts out over the water. The sky is full of color as the sun makes its final descent. The stage is set for the perfect proposal. Benji already knows my answer. I’m already burning this moment into my mind to tell our kids about someday. Then as it always is with my life, the illusion shatters.
One of the empty chairs at our table squeaks across the planks as it’s pulled away from the table. The sounds of heavy footsteps approach the other side of the table until we’re surrounded by Ford and his entourage of idiots. Shane, Teddy, and Sin drag over chairs of their own and join us.
“Hey, sis, what’s going on?” Ford says.
My hand closes around the first thing I can grab, which just so happens to be a fork. I squeeze until my knuckles go white.
“What are you doing here, brother dearest?” I ask through clenched teeth.
My earlier apprehension is proving to be prophetic. Ocean Bluff never has been a lucky place for me. I look across the table and see the confused expression on Benji’s face, and remember the only time they were introduced was months ago in a dark nightclub. Earlier today I doubt he even noticed them with how focused he was on me.
“Benji, this is my idiot stepbrother, Ford, and his friends,” I say, gesturing to them with the fork I’m still holding with a death grip.
Sin grabs my hand and pries the fork free. “Easy there, killer.”
I shoot him a look, because seriously, Sin is calling me a killer? He shoots me a smirk in response and I roll my eyes.
Shane knocks on the table, stealing my attention away from Sin. “We are your friends too, Tess.”
I raise my eyebrow at his bold assertion. “Really? You’re my friend? So all those times you could have stepped in and stopped this one,” I jerk my thumb back at Ford without looking at him, “from ostracizing me, you did nothing because we’re friends. Right?”
Shane exhales. “Tess, it’s not like that.”
I lean my elbows on the table. “Then what is it like, McKinnick? Because from where I’m sitting there’s a lot of promises you made me, and you managed to break all of them.”
“I should have stepped in,” he agrees.
I shrug. “Yeah, well that’s all in the past now. What are you all doing here now?”
“Stopping you from making a mistake,” Ford interjects.
I toss my napkin on my empty plate. “Do you have a time machine? Because if not, you need to leave me alone.” I hold my hand out to Benji. “Can we go?”
“I’m sorry they destroyed everything you planned,” I say to him when we’re far enough away from the table.
“Are you sure? He came here for you. I know when we first met in Seattle that’s what you wanted, him to show up for you.”
I inhale deeply. “He didn’t come here for me. He came here for him. Ford only wants me when he can’t have me. I’m not interested in playing his games. I want a man who plans the perfect proposal down to the dress I’m going to wear. I want the fairytale.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and spins me around. “And so you’ll have it.”