Chapter 9
I knowTessa well enough to know when to give her space. Not too much though, because knowing her, she’s likely to sneak out a window and disappear into the night. I give the others enough time to go back to their previous conversations or pay attention to the game on the TV before I creep down the hallway and slip into her room.
Her back is to me when I close the door, but I can tell she was expecting me by the stiffness in her posture the moment she heard me enter the room. She drops the shirt she’s holding into a bag on the bed but doesn’t turn around. “What do you want, Ford?”
I can hear exhaustion and resignation in her voice like she’s been waiting for me to come in here and confront her. I put my hands on her shoulders and turn her around. She needs to see me so she can start to believe it will never be that way between us ever again.
“I want you, Tess. I thought I made that clear.”
Her head is shaking slightly, denying my words before they’re even all the way out of my mouth. “How exactly did you make that clear?” She gestures emphatically toward the door. “Was that what you thought you were doing out there? I think we’re better off going our separate ways.”
I reach for her hand, but she clenches it closed so I grab her wrist instead. Her skin is warm and soft. It’s been so long since I’ve had even this much contact with her that I can’t stop myself from tracing the blue lines of her veins underneath. When I brush across the scars there it’s hard to breathe. They remind me that the ring on her finger isn’t the first time I’ve come close to losing her.
“You think this is about me being jealous of him. That I’ll just go back to hating you as soon as he’s no longer a threat,” I say while still rubbing my thumb back and forth across the thick line of skin crossing over her delicate veins.
“Sounds about right,” she says in a voice barely louder than a whisper.
“Seeing you with him isn’t the reason I want you back. I never wanted you gone.”
She gives me a look of distrust. “Oh, so pushing me away and making sure everyone around you hated me was your way of making me feel welcome? If that’s true, you’re more fucked up than I thought.”
Her words sound harsh, but there’s little heat behind them. She’s also not fighting to get away from me. I can’t tell if she’s giving up, or she’s just waiting for me to leave. If it’s the latter she’s going to be disappointed. I’m never leaving her again.
I tug on her wrist and pull her closer to me. My breath catches as her unique scent of ocean and citrus invades my nose. For a long time after she left, I would hold a sweatshirt of mine she’d worn up to my face and inhale deeply. For those few seconds, she was there with me. But, eventually, the smell faded from the sweatshirt. It was like losing her all over again. That is what the last couple of years have been, losing her in pieces, and I stupidly thought I could guard myself from feeling all of the pain. Keeping my distance, always holding her at arm’s length. The only thing I’ve done is prevent myself from really being able to hold her.
The loneliness, pain, and torment of being without her for the last couple of years suddenly becomes too much. I fell in love with her and lost her when I was eighteen. Maybe now, a few months past my twenty-first birthday, I’m man enough to let go of the hurt and drop my defenses to finally let her in. Somehow, I have to show her what she means to me and start making up for every promise I’ve broken.
Right now, I’m desperate for her. She’s still not close enough to me. I’m not sure she could ever be close enough. I need to be inside of her again soon, and not just because I’m not as big of a whore as everyone seems to think I am. After hooking up with Raven at the cabin, and the shitshow that followed, I haven’t touched another woman. If I couldn’t make it work with Raven, I had to face facts. I am hopelessly in love with Tessa. The forever kind of love. Her name might as well be tattooed on my heart because there’s no way anyone else will ever have a claim on it.
Tessa stumbles and falls against my chest. Her lush tits press against me for the first time in ages, and I have to force myself to remain still to keep from scaring her away. This is what I need, to have her in my arms again. I know she’s not ready for more, and despite all the bullshit that spewed from my lips over the last couple of years, Tessa is actually one of the most loyal people I know.
As much as I wish it would, sex won’t fix what’s broken between us. For me, it would be about the connection but for her, there are too many bad memories. All the times I used her body like my own personal fuck toy flash in my mind. I couldn’t stay away from her, no matter how hard I tried. I never lingered long after we were done, because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to walk away. I should have just stayed and saved both of us so much heartache. Every time I left, I saw that flash of hurt in her eyes.
The only time I didn’t was the morning everything went to shit, the morning we went to the cabin. She rolled away from me first, and I learned that as hard as seeing her pain was, seeing her indifference was worse. The next time I touch her, she’ll roll into my arms, and trust I want her there. She’ll know that every breath, every molecule of her delectable body is mine. I’ll worship her daily, and she’ll never feel insecure about my love for her again.
We aren’t there yet, and if I tell the truth I don’t know how to get us back there. I can’t stop the reel of our worst moments from playing in my head, and I hold her too tight, crushing her against my chest as if that could somehow make the memories stop. Maybe if I hold onto her now, I can prevent myself from losing her then. I”ve lived through many traumas in my life, it”s hard to say which one was worse than another, but I would have to put losing Tessa up there with the worst of them. Pain like that leaves a mark on you.
The headliner is the night my father beat me while I slept. I had been kicked out of her dad’s house and told I couldn’t see her anymore. I was so pissed at her because she didn’t fight for us. At least that’s how I saw it then. Now I know all she did was fight for us, and I’m the one who threw everything away.
When she came to see me in the hospital, I didn’t want her to see how broken I was. Instead of reaching for her and telling her how much I needed her, and I really fucking did, I watched her reflection in the window of my hospital room as she turned and walked away. If I’d known then everything that would happen after, I’d force my bitch ass to roll over. Even though I didn’t want her to see the pain and fear I was dealing with, anything would have been better than enduring it without her.
“Hey, Ford, what’s wrong?” Tessa’s voice sounds soft and soothing. It’s the voice she uses when she’s trying to comfort someone in pain. The voice I heard her use on the phone recently with Lydia, and hearing the tone catches my attention.
Her hands stroke my face, and I look at her confused. Somehow we’re sitting on the floor. She’s straddling my lap, and I’m clinging to her like she’s my lifeline. Then the most miraculous thing happens, she kisses me softly on the cheek.
Instinctually, I reach up to touch the spot and come away with wet fingers. I stare at them mystified. She takes my hand and doesn’t let go.
“Why are you crying?” she asks.
In the past I’d have probably shoved her off of my lap and done something to deflect the fact I have emotions, but not now. I want her in my life, all the way in. I wipe my face and lean against the bed. Might as well get comfortable physically, because this conversation isn’t going to be an easy one.
“I was remembering the first time I really fucked up with you. When I was lying in that hospital bed and refused to talk to you. I didn’t want you to see how broken I was. It never occurred to me that you’d walk out of my life, I just wanted you to leave the room.”
I take a deep breath. “Actually, that’s not true. I wanted you to curl up next to me and tell me everything was going to be okay, but I was too scared to let you. I stupidly thought I could somehow protect myself from getting hurt worse, but I was a fool. I had no idea how much worse it would hurt for you to be gone completely than when I thought we were just breaking up.”
“We’ve both handled things badly. I should have stayed, but I was afraid of what my dad would do to you.” Her eyes drop down and she chews on her bottom lip. “I really believed he would have you arrested. I couldn”t be the reason that your life got destroyed.”
We sit together in silence, and I just run my fingers through her dark hair, tucking it behind her ears, and enjoying the fact that I can look deeply into her dark brown eyes once again. So much that I took for granted before. Never again will I waste these moments.
“I”ve missed you, Tessa,” I admit. It feels good to finally get it off my chest and be able to tell her what I”m feeling. I’m glad to stop all this bullshit pretending she doesn”t mean anything to me.
“Can we be friends?” she asks.
I scowl at her. “No. I don”t want to be fucking friends, Tessa. We have never been, and we will never be just friends. I could lie to you right now and tell you we will be friends. The only thing I would be doing is luring you in, giving you a false sense of security, to get in between you and that fuck-face Bennett. I’d do all of that so that I could undermine your relationship and get rid of him.”
She huffs, and it”s very obvious she”s irritated with me. “Then what do you want from me?”
“Don”t play dumb, Tessa. You know damn good and well what I want from you,” I snap. So much for trying to get on her good side. Even when I”m not mad at her, we can”t go more than five minutes without fighting. I love her, but she drives me up a fucking wall. Basically, nothing has changed.
“I know you think you want me back. We haven”t been together for two years and even then, we were together for barely five minutes. I don”t think you even really remember what it”s like to be in a relationship with me. If you can even call what we had a relationship. We were teenagers in high school. How do we know that what we remember was real and that we aren’t just looking back at our past with rose-colored glasses?”
“I think you”re being a coward,” I accuse her.
Her mouth falls open for a second before she snaps it closed. “How am I being a coward?”
My fingers dig into her hips holding her in place because I know any second she”s likely to try and run away. “I think you”re so scared of being alone that you”ll hold onto him because he”s a sure thing. You”re so afraid that we will fail again, you don”t want to try so you”d rather marry the safe choice. But I don”t think you”re going to be happy with a safe life, Tessa. It might be secure, but you need to live. You”re far too passionate, and you have too much desire inside of you to go down the easy road. I know you”re tired right now and you”ve been through a lot of shit lately, but he won”t make you happy like I can.”
“He won”t piss me off like you can either,” she grumbles under her breath.
I find myself nodding my head agreeing with her. “You”re absolutely right. And do you know why? Because I make you feel. Not just good. I make you feel everything. I always have. I make you happy. I piss you off. I”ve made you sad, and I”m so unbelievably sorry about that. I will probably make you feel all of these things all over again. If I”m lucky and you give me another chance, I’ll make you feel for the rest of our lives. I”m begging you, Tessa, give me another chance. I just need one more, and I promise you, baby, I will not waste this one.”
A single tear slides down her cheek. “I want to believe you so bad, but I”m scared.”
I lift my hand and gently wipe it away. “I know, Vixen. But I promise eventually you”ll understand you can trust me. I will prove it to you.”
“That”s a really pretty promise, Ford.”
“Take a leap of faith, Tessa. Just one more time.”
She exhales slowly and looks down at her fingers. She”s twisting them and I can see the anxiety mounting. I don”t know what”s going on. There”s an internal struggle that I can”t seem to follow. I put my hand over hers to make her stop. “What”s wrong now?”
“I can”t believe I”m even entertaining this, but I feel like if I don”t the what-ifs it will gnaw at me for the rest of my life. There are a lot of things that I am going to regret, but I don”t want not giving us another try to be one of them,” she says. But there’s still a heavy dose of anxiety in her voice that doesn”t seem to match with what she”s saying.
“Okay,” I draw out the word. “What you”re saying sounds good, but why does it sound like it”s stressing you out? Do you not actually want to be with me?” Saying those words hurt, but I don”t want her to be with me if that”s not what she wants. That would be like having half of Tessa and I want a hundred percent of her.
She takes a slow, deep breath in through her nose. “I”m going to hurt him, and hurting Benji hurts me. You”re right, I don”t love him like I do you, but I do love him. I know you don”t want to hear that, but I can”t deny it either. I hope you don”t think that I”m going to cut him out of my life, because that”s never going to happen.”
I clench my teeth before I say anything. Past reputation aside, I don”t actually share very well. Correction, I don”t share Tessa very well. As in not at all. I don”t know exactly what their status is, but I won”t lie and say that I am comfortable with them continuing to be in each other”s lives. However, I am the one who blasted a hole in her life that he fit himself into. He”s the one that put her together again. I have a very strong suspicion that without him she wouldn”t be here right now. If for no other reason than that, I need to get right with this guy, and get used to him being around. I might not ever be friends with him, but I need to be friendly with him. That means I need to man up and make a phone call.
“I won”t say I like it, but I do understand it. I was wondering, would you let me call him? You said you were pre-engaged, whatever that means, and I think he would want you to be happy, right?”
Tessa nods.
“He did tell you to figure out where your heart was or what you wanted, right?” She nods again. “In that case, would you mind if I called him and told him directly how I feel about you? I”m not going to ask him for permission to be with you because you”re not a possession that either of us can pass back and forth. I am, however, going to ask him to make it easy on you to follow your heart. And I will promise him in return that I will not stand in the way of your friendship, just like I”m promising you the same thing right now.”
She throws her arms around my neck and this time she”s the one holding me tight. I put my hand behind her head, brush my lips across her cheek, but before they could meet her, she puts her finger against my mouth.
“You have to talk to him first. Until I”ve talked to Benji and as long as his ring is still on my finger, I”m going to consider myself engaged. It doesn”t matter that I intend to end it. I will not be disloyal to him.”
I pressed my forehead against hers. “Of course you wouldn’t. I really have been unfair to you. You are the most loyal person I know, and I”m sorry I ever made it seem otherwise.”
* * *
I getBennett”s phone number from Tessa. I know she”s dying to listen in on the conversation, but I leave the room and step out on the front porch. This is one talk he and I need to have between the two of us.
I enter his number into my phone, and it only rings twice before he answers.
“Is everything all right with Tessa?” It”s obvious he recognizes my number.
“Had my number stored in your phone, that”s a little creepy,” I comment.
“I got it from her when I knew she was going back there, just in case I needed to get a hold of her and she couldn”t answer hers. If there”s nothing wrong, why are you calling me?”
Got to admire a guy who cuts through the bullshit and gets right down to business. “I won”t waste your time, making a bunch of useless small talk, so I”ll cut straight to the point. I know you were planning on asking Tessa to marry you. And I also know that you didn”t do it. I think you know she still has feelings for me.”
“I do,” he admits freely.
“I want her back,” I say.
“I figured you did. Tessa is the only one who didn”t believe it.”
“Well, I told her earlier tonight.”
There”s a long pause on his side, and I hear him exhale into the phone. “And what did she say to you?”
“What do you think she said? She said she won”t betray you. Is that a good enough reason for you to hold onto her? It wouldn”t be for me. I want her back, but I want all of her, mind, body, and soul. Can you tell me you’re happy just with her loyalty and her warm affection?”
“I have a question for you. Strike that. I have two. First question, if she would be happier with me, would you let her go?” he asks me.
I don”t hesitate. I wish I could say no because I don”t want to let her go, but that is not what I say. “Yes, I would let her go. I would hate every minute of it, but I would let her go. For the last two years she”s been in and out of my life, and it”s been hell. She”s been here, but not really here. But what has been worse is I”ve gotten to watch her become more and more miserable, knowing that a lot of that was my fault. If I could do anything to make her happy, even if it was to leave her, I would do it.”
“Okay, second question. Will you make her happy?” he asks me.
I know he isn”t asking me if I”m able to. We both know that I am able to make her happy. I have not shown up to this point if I have the follow-through to actually do it. “I will spend every day of the rest of my life with no other goal, except to make her happy. What I do for a career, where we live, everything is going to be with that purpose in mind. I finally figured out what I want in life, and that is to spend it with Tessa.”
“All I want is for her to be happy. I”ll call her and give her my blessing. Just know if you hurt her again I have enough money to have you killed and get away with it,” Bennett threatens me.
I hear someone chuckle behind me, and I turn around to find Sin eavesdropping on my phone call. He takes a loud bite out of an apple, before talking with his mouth full, “I like that guy. Tell him I might even do it for free.”
“I thought we were friends,” I say a little upset that, even in this pretend scenario he would kill me.
He shrugs, completely unaffected, as if we were discussing any activity not murder. “I think it”s about time you had some consequences for your actions. You fucked up enough don”t you think?”
I purse my lips and nod. “You know what, if I fuck up again I actually want you to kill me.”
“Who are we killing?” Lucien yells from the living room.
“Ford if he fucks up with Tessa again,” Sin shouts back.
“Tell Tessa I”ll call her, and I approve of some of her new friends,” Bennett says before hanging up the phone.
“Do none of you understand the concept of a private conversation?” I ask irritably.
“What”s privacy?” Lucien shouts, then laughs at his own joke.
Sin squeezes my shoulder as he goes to walk past. He seems like he”s heading toward his car, probably to go get Raven from her class at the community college. “Listen, all jokes aside, you”re going to get it right this time. You saw how many times I fucked everything up with Raven. And somehow she gave me another chance. Now look at us.”
“It took you weeks to figure shit out. I”ve been fucking this up for years. I have a lot more to be forgiven for, but I think she”s going to give me a chance to try,” I tell him.
He points his finger at me. “Then you take that chance and you run with it.”