Chapter 10
Benji callsme not long after Ford talks to him. I can tell he”s hurting no matter how hard he tries to hide it. He”s always looking out for me, even at the expense of himself. I think that”s part of the reason that we could never work out. The difference in our socioeconomic background is not really that insurmountable. After all, I grew up pretty rich, and if I quit being stubborn, I could probably have access to a pretty comparable trust fund once again. However, pigs will fly before I ever speak to Wendall James again.
No, the problem that would always have kept Benji and me from really having a romantic relationship is that he was always playing the savior. I don”t want to be a damsel in distress. I want to be in a relationship with equals and when I met Benji, I needed someone to save me, and he likes being that person. He”s a white knight, and someday he will find a tower and a maiden to save. That girl is not me. And he deserves somebody who wants him as much as I want Ford. To settle for him wouldn”t be fair for me and especially not for him. Because Benji is the best of us, and I”m not putting myself down when I say he”s too good for me because he”s too good for this world.
For some reason, he still cares about me enough that he wants to be my friend. I am afraid that that will fade off. I”m terrified of losing him, Ford was not wrong when he said that. He was wrong when he said it”s because I”m afraid of being alone. I can handle being alone, but now that I know Benji, I don”t want to not know him.
Now that I know that Ford and Benji have spoken, there”s really nothing keeping us from moving forward. I just don”t know what moving forward looks like after two years of being apart. Maybe it”s the coward’s way out, but before Ford can come back into my room, I seek out Jen, Amber, and Raven.
I can”t find Raven when I go out into the main part of the house, but Jen is messing around in the kitchen. Seems like Jen is always doing something in the kitchen. Not because she”s waiting on the guys, but because the girl genuinely likes to cook things. I don”t have a domestic bone in my body, probably because I grew up with a maid and a housekeeper. If you stuck me in the kitchen, I could probably burn water. I am that talented.
I hop up on the counter, swinging my legs back and forth, and wait for her to finish what she”s doing, so I don”t interrupt her. “Hey, Jen, whatcha doing?”
She gives me a suspicious look, because it”s pretty obvious what she”s doing, and holds up a spatula. “Solving world peace.”
“Oh ha ha. Obviously, you”re cooking, but why? Are we having a party or something?” Please say we”re having a party. I mean there”s always something going on here. Either there”s a game or a movie night. Maybe there”s a game night. Not that this group is big on board games, but I”m sure Raven is down to throw something sharp at a board of some kind.
Instead of answering my question, she gives me a concerned look. “Are you okay?”
I swing my legs faster, my anxiety trying to work its way out of my body. “Mmm hmm, yep, just fine.”
“That was a lot of bullshit. You’re wound tighter than a clock. Do you want to tell me what”s going on? I know I”ve been a shit friend to you, but I do want to make it up to you,” she says and I believe she means it.
A hysterical laugh escapes my lips. “Everybody”s wanting to make stuff up to me today. Did I win the apology lottery or something?”
What I need is to get out of here. I wish I had my own place, or I was living with people that I was comfortable with. Tracy and Lydia are still in Seattle, and I doubt they will ever come back here. Not that I blame them. After everything that happened here I don”t want to be here either.
“Did you and Ford talk?” she presses, trying to get to the root of what is bothering me. You think she was the one studying psychology, not Ford. She”s going to make a damn fine nurse.
“Yeah, we talked.”
She puts down the spatula and turns off the stove. “And that is what has got you buzzing out of your skin?”
I shrug. The real answer is yes, but then I would have to get into it, and I”m not really feeling very talkative about what”s going on between Ford and me.
When it comes to Jen, it”s not necessary to actually speak the words. She somehow divines the truth anyway. “I”m going to take that as a yes. What do you need right now? Just say the words and I”ll do what I can.”
I lean closer and lower my voice. “I need a buffer. I”m not ready to be alone with him yet. I don”t know what he wants. I mean I know what he wants, but I”m not ready to jump right back into the middle. It”s been two years, and I just need some time.”
She bobs her head in agreement. “That makes complete sense. Anyone would need a beat to catch their breath after the two years of absolute bullshit he”s put you through. He”s lucky you”re giving him a second chance. He can give you a minute.”
“You sound angrier at him than I am,” I reply.
She cocks her head to the side. “Are you still angry at him?”
“I—well, that is—I don”t really know,” I admit.
“I think that”s totally fair. Just because you have feelings for him doesn”t mean some of those feelings aren”t anger. You can love someone and be mad at them at the same time,” she tells me.
Jen is a very wise woman. “Lord, don”t I know it. I”ve been both mad and in love with him for so long. I don”t know how to separate the two feelings right now. I just don”t want to fall back into old patterns and we had a really bad habit of hate fucking during the time when we were broken up. I don”t think that would help us develop a healthy relationship.”
“Yeah, no. I think that would be the opposite of a healthy relationship. I mean, we both know the boy has skills, but you want to enjoy them for a lifetime not a short time,” she jokes.
As if we conjured him, Ford steps into the kitchen. There”s a looseness in the way he”s carrying himself that wasn”t there earlier, like a giant weight has been lifted off of him. He walks straight for me and puts his hands on either side of my legs caging me in where I sit on the counter.
I hold my breath for a second, waiting for the panic to set in. Ford doesn”t know that I react that way now when someone touches me or gets too close. So far only Benji has been able to get close to me, but I find that I”m not panicking. I exhale and relax.
Ford turns his head to the side and studies me. I can tell he”s curious about my wariness, but he doesn’t say anything. “Did you want to go and do something?”
My eyes open wide and latch onto Jen silently begging her for help. She catches on immediately and doesn”t let me down. “Oh, I”m sorry Ford. I was just talking to Tessa about doing something. But it wasn”t like a girls’ night. I was saying how nice it is that everybody is paired up now, and we can all go out on a group date. You”ve never gotten to join us on those and I was saying to her how fun it would be.”
Ford narrows his eyes. I don”t think he”s buying the group date scenario. “Name one time there has been a mass group date.”
“Well, we haven”t had one because you were single, and now you”re not so we can go,” she says.
He makes a face at her. “Mmhmm, tell me, what activity were we going to do on this group outing?”
Jen being a master at lying to Ford doesn”t miss a beat. “Bowling, pizza, and beer.”
Shane pops his head around the corner. “Woman, did I hear you say beer?”
“And bowling and pizza,” she adds.
“Sweet,” Shane says. “When are we doing this?”
“Tonight after Raven gets back from class,” Jen says.
“This is going to be so much more fun now that nobody”s single,” Shane says as he walks out of the room.
Jen throws her hand out to where Shane was just standing as if to say, “See.”
“Can we do it another night? Tessa and I literally just got back together. It would be nice to have one night to ourselves,” Ford argues with her.
She shrugs her shoulders as if it”s out of her hands. “I already reserved a couple of lanes.”
I give her a look, and she mouths, “Sorry,” to me. I need to say something quick.
“You know it actually sounds like fun. And to be honest, I”ve always been kind of jealous the few times we”ve all hung out and everybody was paired up. It would be kind of nice to join in that way. Also, I think we should take it slow. It”s been two years. We don”t need to jump right back into the middle of a relationship. I think we have to start over from the beginning. Which for us started with us hanging out in a group of friends.”
“Actually, I believe it started with us arguing and being at each other”s throats,” he grumbles.
I smirk. “I”d say we”re right on track then.”
He takes both of my hands in his large ones, and stares right into my eyes. It”s hard not to spill every secret I have while I”m staring into his green-gold gaze, but somehow I resist. “Are you sure this is what you want? You want to go bowling? The girl from the fancy side of the tracks wants to wear rented shoes and throw a ball down a wooden lane. That”s what you want to do tonight?”
“Don”t forget there will be beer and pizza,” I remind him.
He nods. “Yep, the cheapest beer, and basically cardboard with cheese on it.”
I shrug. I”ve definitely had worse. “Sounds like any night I let Tracy pick the restaurant. See, this is why we need to take it slow. You know the old Tessa. You don”t know a whole lot about this version of me. You”ve seen bits and pieces, but you don”t know a whole lot about my life since I gave up my trust fund. Do you even know what kind of car I drive?”
He shoves his hand through his hair, a surefire sign that he isn”t quite sure. “Uh, I think it”s silver.”
“It is. At least mostly. Is there any harm in taking our time?” I push.
“No. If I say what”s on my mind right now, you”re going to slap me. I don”t want to sound like a pig and make you think all I care about is sex, but?—”
I hold up my hand and cut him off. “I”m pretty sure you probably shouldn”t finish that statement. I am not ready.”
“And that is not what I was going to say. It isn”t even sex, I mean yeah I miss that, but I just want to feel close to you again. I want to hold you as I fall asleep, and I want to wake up knowing that you”re still there.”
I chew on my bottom lip. “Well, that is a little bit better. Marginally. But like I said, there”s a lot of stuff you don”t know about me anymore, Ford.”
His eyes narrow. “Do you have a problem sleeping now?”
I look away from him, but he won”t let me run away even this much. Gently, he puts his hand on my chin and turns my face back until I”m looking him in the eyes again. Quietly, I answer, “Yeah, I do.”
“Okay, Vixen. If a group date is what you need, then let”s go bowling.”
* * *
Sin and Ravenare better allies than I anticipated initially at creating a buffer between Ford and myself. When he comes over, they find some reason that we all need to hang out together. The next time he suggests we go out they manage to tag along.
Ford is not a very patient man. After a little more than a week, he loses his shit.
“Is there some reason you refuse to be alone with me? Am I the only one interested in giving this relationship a real try? You have to let me know now. I can”t go on like this.” I can hear the vulnerability in the way his voice cracks at the end.
There are many times, especially over the last two years, that I haven’t particularly liked myself, but I would say this moment right now is one of my lowest. It”s not the lowest. That prize goes to the days right after I survived Jesse. Those days get shoved into a special box that have been shoved very deep inside myself, hopefully never to be opened again.
Benji is right, getting pulled out of therapy for all of this drama surrounding my friends really hasn”t been great for my mental health. Granted being kidnapped, beaten, sexually assaulted, and then falsely accused of a whole litany of offenses also hasn”t been good for my mental health.
I’m hanging on by my fingernails, but Ford doesn”t exactly know that. He won”t if I don”t tell him, but that would require trusting him. I might love him, but I am not ready to make the leap to trusting him yet. The thing is I want to, but I don”t know how to repair everything that has been broken between us.
Saying any of that out loud feels like it would make it worse. Instead, I choose to continue the conversation we had before we went bowling. “I meant what I said the first night we went out. I want us to get to know each other again. I feel like if we take things too fast, we”ll be right back here. I don”t ever want to be here again, Ford.”
“Is this more about how I don”t know you anymore? There might be some details that I”ve missed over the last couple of years, but I know your heart and the stuff that matters. The same is true in reverse. The fact that you like shitty beer and bad pizza now isn’t going to make me fall out of love with you. If anything, it seems like we grew together while we were apart,” he argues.
There”s this voice in my head that keeps telling me when he finds out everything he”s not going to want me. I can”t risk it. I need to tell him everything and see how he”s going to react, and once he knows and can make a decision with all the facts out in the open, then we can move forward. I just don’t think I have the strength to tell him here. My courage is back home with the only three people in the world I trust completely, who are probably drenched and not loving it like I would be. I have to take Ford to Seattle.
Ford’s hands cup both of my cheeks, and he has a look of concern. “Where did you go just now?”
I bite my lip. “You want time alone with me, yes?”
“Is that really a question?”
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. “Will you take a trip with me? I don”t feel like me here. I don”t fit in here anymore.”
He looks down. I can see a look of remorse cross his features. “And that is my fault. I did that.”
This time it”s my turn to tip his face back up to mine. “Hey,” I say softly. “I”m not looking to assign blame to anyone. I”m just stating a fact that this does not feel like home to me anymore. And yes, okay, you are part of that. But so is Shane, and my dad. Not every reason for me feeling more at home in Seattle is negative. I think if you”re to really understand me for the person I am right now. I need to show you who I am there. So, will you go to Seattle with me?”
Ford nods his head. “I would love to.”
“I only have class Thursday morning and I don”t have class on Fridays,” I tell him.
“Well, then we”ll leave right after your class,” he says.
I narrow my eyes. “You don”t have the same schedule I do. Can you just leave on Thursday morning? My class is early.”
He shrugs his shoulders. “I”m ahead in all my classes. And if you haven”t noticed, I”m kind of a god around here being the quarterback and all. I”ll email my instructors, it”ll be fine. What you are going to figure out soon is that you are my priority. Nothing and no one comes before you. If my girl wants to leave Thursday morning, that”s what we do.”
My lips twitch. “Your girl, huh? That”s a little presumptuous isn”t it? What if you find out things in Seattle that you can”t live with?” I try to say it in a teasing tone, but I think he sees right through me.
He gently grabs my arms, pulls me in close, and holds me tight to his chest. “That”s the real reason you”re holding me back isn”t it? You know you can tell me anything? Nothing you say is going to make me leave. Tessa, I can”t live without you. No matter what you tell me, we will handle it together. The only thing I cannot accept is not having you in my life.”
“I promise I”ll tell you everything in Seattle.”
We stand holding each other tighter. We have both made each other promises in the past, and our relationship is surrounded by a pile of broken ones. It’s time for us to start fresh somewhere not littered with the carnage of what we once were.