Chapter 11
I squeezemy phone tight in my hand and consider chucking it across the room. Sin takes it from my hand before I manage to destroy it.
“Whatever is bothering you, I doubt it will be made better by crushing your phone.” He sets it down on the counter in my kitchen.
I lean back and turn my head to the side. It”s odd for him to show up at my place. I don”t exactly live in the fancy part of town. Not that he is used to fancy. Learning that he comes from money hasn”t made him comfortable with having money. The only time he ever spends it is when he”s doing something for Raven.
“What brings you to this side of town?” I ask.
“I could feed you a line of bullshit. Do some song and dance about how I should be able to just drop in on my friends, but let”s just cut all that out and get straight to why I”m here. Are you good with that?”
I nod. “I prefer it actually. I don”t have a lot of patience today.” I gesture to my phone, which, despite his rescue efforts, does have a couple of minor cracks in it.
“Raven overheard Tessa talking to Bennett this morning. She said you guys were going to Seattle this weekend? Are you sure that”s a good idea? That”s his turf,” he argues.
“Let me ask you a question,” I begin. “If Raven told you that she needed you to do something for her in order to move forward with your relationship and feel comfortable being with you, would you do it?”
“Without question. I have killed to keep her safe. There is nothing I wouldn”t do for her,” he answers.
“Then there’s your answer. Tessa says that if I am going to know who she is right now, then I have to go with her to Seattle. This isn”t home to her anymore, and she wants to show me who she is and why Seattle is a part of it. I think I”m going to have to learn to accept Bennett.”
He has a smug look on his face. “Kind of feels like karma. I had to put up with you, and now I kinda like you. Maybe he won”t be that bad.”
“You mean, except for the fact that he proposed to her. I never gave Raven a giant rock,” I point out.
“No, apparently just your giant cock,” Sin grumbles under his breath.
“At least you didn”t have to watch. I”ll have that image burned in my mind forever. I”d actually welcome Alzheimer”s just to forget that moment,” I retort.
“See we”re getting along just fine. We”ve only hit each other a few times. Everything will probably be okay,” Sin tries to reassure me.
“You”re actually getting better at this empathizing thing. You”re still not great at it, but you”re better than you were.” I exhale, and stare at the offending device. “Not that it matters anyway. I checked my bank account, and right now it”s looking more like an online piggy bank. I can”t afford the gas to drive there, let alone fly us there.”
Sin winces. “Raven also said that they were talking about him buying you guys tickets.” I can hear the sympathy in his voice.
“Fuck that. Maybe the guy is more of a shady asshole than I gave him credit for. He gets to come out looking like the hero, and I”ll be the dick who turned down free tickets. But if I take them, then I”m the asshole who lets her ex-fiancé fly his ass up there just to rub their relationship in his face. No matter what I do, I’m royally fucked.”
I really want to break something. I go to reach for the nearest thing, and Sin takes it from me.
“I really don”t think breaking Jen’s decorations is going to fix anything. It will, however, make her mad, and she knows a lot about human anatomy. Probably not the smartest person to piss off. Also, I have a solution,” he says.
“Really? Because I have tens of dollars in my account, and the guy willing to throw money at my almost girlfriend is ready to show her what a piece of shit I am. I”d love to hear your solution for that,” I snap.
His eyes harden, and he stands straighter, a little more menacing. “You”re starting to piss me off, and I am a bit worse than Jen. But you”re freaking out so I”m going to let it slide. I am not hitting you off the table completely though, just keep that in mind.”
“Noted.” Even I can hear the attitude in my voice, and honestly, I would hit me. “I”m sorry, I don”t mean to be a dick. I really do want to hear what you came up with because I”ve got nothing.”
He nods his head. “It”s simple. I buy your plane tickets.”
I start immediately shaking my head. “I don”t want to take your money.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and holds me still. His onyx-black eyes stare into mine. “It”s my money or his. If she is as determined to go as you say she is, she”s going to take his offer unless you take mine first. I don”t know what strings are attached to his, but I can tell you there are no strings attached to mine.”
“None at all?” I narrow my eyes. It isn”t that I don”t trust him, but nobody is that magnanimous.
Sin shrugs. “I really don”t give a shit about money. Raven likes Tessa and she wants her to be happy.”
“Are you sure it”s not because I am her best friend?” I love any reason to remind him of the fact that Raven declared me her best friend that horrible weekend at the cabin, and it”s been true ever since then.
He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I guess. And I think I can speak for Shane when I say we would both really like for you to not be single anymore, especially around our women.”
* * *
Tessa is soexcited when I tell her that I”m getting us plane tickets that she decides to contact her professor and skip her Thursday morning class. Just like in high school, she is an overachiever and has already finished most of the coursework. Not surprisingly, she hasn”t missed a single class.
We get online and find a red-eye flight leaving Wednesday night. It”s the middle of the night by the time we get into SeaTac, although the city still teems with life. You can see thousands of lights from cars and buildings glittering against an ink-black sky. It really isn”t that much different than Playa Pacifica. I imagine in any large city there is an element that never stops moving, but there is something different here.
From the moment we step outside of the airport the air feels thick around you like a blanket. This close to spring the moisture is heavy and threatens to rain at any moment. It even smells different here. It has that rain smell that makes everything smell just a little bit cleaner, but it carries notes of pine you don’t get in Playa. The biggest difference is the smile spreading across Tessa”s face.
I haven”t seen that smile in, well, two years. I”ve missed this smile. I want to kiss her so bad, but I don”t know if we”re there yet. Instead, I stretch my fingers out and brush them against hers.
She looks up at me, her brown eyes twinkling, and I feel her fingers slide against mine and link together. Then a miracle happens. She stretches up on her toes, and as softly as a whisper, presses her lips against mine. I hold my breath, afraid she’ll change her mind.
The entire kiss lasts only about as long as one heartbeat before she drops back down to her heels. It”s far from the kind of kisses we”ve had in the past, but somehow I feel like I’ve won a huge prize. As painful as taking things slowly is, I wouldn”t want to miss a single moment with her. We raced through everything the first time and burned out too fast. This time I want to do it her way. I want the hesitant kisses and the awkward handholding. I want everything with her.
There”s a pang in my chest that tells me this is more than just her wanting not to get hurt this time. Tessa has changed, and there are some changes that lead me to believe she survived something unspeakable. In fact, the only person who seems to really grasp the changes in her demeanor is Sin, and that makes me worried. Because the kind of things that Sin can identify with belong only in horror novels.
Piece by piece I”m putting together a puzzle and the picture is breaking my heart. The reasons why she thinks when she tells me the truth I”m going to walk away are becoming clearer. It”s not lost on me that she didn’t want to tell me back in Playa because she doesn”t feel like she has any real allies there. I do believe she wants to show me Seattle. More than that though I think she wants to have backup when she does tell me this secret she thinks will have me running away.
She thinks I don”t know her, there are details that I don”t know, and that is on me, but I do know this girl. Sometimes I think maybe I know her better than she knows herself. I”m not sure even she knows why she”s holding back from us. I do, and I need to get her there. We need to have one last fight before we can move forward together. Tonight is not the night for that though. I wouldn”t wipe the smile off her face for anything.
“I got the plane tickets, but it wasn”t until this moment that I realized it didn”t book us a place to stay,” I admit. I”ve never traveled before.
Tessa laughs and it sounds free. She is different in Seattle, I will give her that. “I live here remember?”
Not, “I lived here,” or, “I have friends here,” but a present tense statement. It makes me afraid she has no intention of going back. Maybe we are going to have more than one fight.
I exhale slowly. No, we aren”t going to fight. She went through so much pain to protect me. Everything she did, was to try and make my life better. I think she even left because she thought that”s what I wanted.
This time she will not put herself last, make her decisions based on what”s best for me, none of that. If this is where she needs to be, then I will start packing my things. The one thing I won”t do is be away from her again.
I tap my finger on the end of her nose. “Okay, townie. Where are we staying?”
She presses the screen on her phone and pulls up a ride-share app. “You”ll see.”
Even at this insane hour of the morning, the traffic still sucks. We wind our way through Seattle and up into the hills. The view, even in the dark, is incredible. I can”t wait to see it during the day. Eventually, the car pulls up in front of a three-story Victorian home that is a powdery blue sitting on a steep slope, yet somehow it looks like it”s supposed to be here.
Tessa digs through her bag and pulls out a set of keys. She grabs my hand and tugs me up toward the door. I grab both of our bags quickly and hand the driver a tip.
“Damnit,” she curses as she struggles to find the key in the dark.
I turn on my flashlight app to help her out. “Vixen, where are we?”
She turns around with a sleepy smile on her face. “My mom”s house. Isn”t it cool?”
Of all the talks that we”ve had, somehow the most important thing has been left out. Tessa is right, there are a lot of crucial details we need to learn about each other. No matter how badly I want to get to the part where she feels like mine again, I need to earn that privilege.
“You found your mom?”
“Well.” She hesitates. “Actually, your mom did. I tried to tell you before, but you didn”t want to talk about it. That awful night when you were in the hospital, I didn”t just leave to leave you behind. Your mom had found out that my dad forced my mom to leave me. I knew that she would protect you. Shane said you just needed space, and that when you calmed down, he”d get you to talk to me. Everything just got so fucked up after that.”
She lets her arm fall down by her side and stops, trying to open the door. “I regret so much, but on the top of that list is not letting you know what was really going on.”
I tip her chin up. “We can”t go back and undo the past. I don”t blame you. You blaming yourself isn”t going to help. I”ve gone down this road too, examining every decision I made back then, but it doesn”t change anything. Even if we were to figure out who was right and who was wrong, what difference does it make? We were still apart for two years. We both did horrible things to hurt each other, me more than you. We could examine every decision we made. Every conversation we had. Sort through all of the hurt and figure out who was most to blame, but all that does is get us further away from each other to figure out who is more at fault. That doesn”t bring us back together. And I”m not going to let you find more reasons to punish yourself. We have to decide to start from right now, this second. Can you do that with me?”
Instead of answering, she lifts the keys once more, finds the right one, and finally lets us in out of the relentless mist.
* * *
Neither of ushas enough energy to explore the house once we enter. From the little I can see, it”s a beautiful old Victorian, but there will be time for her to show me around tomorrow. Right now, the only thing I am interested in seeing is where I’m sleeping. I know not to suggest we share a room. In a house this size I”m assuming there”s a guest room.
Also, I don”t know where her mom is right now, but I would imagine catching me sharing a bed with her daughter when she hasn”t met me would probably not earn me any brownie points. Her dad and I are never going to get along and it would be nice to have a decent relationship with at least one of my girlfriend’s parents. Though we haven”t had a chance to talk about it, I can tell that her relationship with her mom is everything she was wanting it to be.
We stand awkwardly in the dark living room. She seems uncertain about something and I”m still afraid I will do or say something that is going to scare her away. Eventually, we have to stop tiptoeing around each other, but for now, we really are acting like two people who are just getting to know each other.
One of us has to say something, the silence is nearly painful. I lift up both arms, each holding a different bag. “Do you mind showing me where to put these? I can carry your bag to your room first, and then you can show me to mine.”
There now, I”ve put it out there that I do not expect us to share a bed. Hopefully, that will make her more comfortable, because obviously she seems to be afraid that I have expectations she is not prepared to meet.
She doesn”t say anything. She just turns abruptly around and marches straight through the house to the back. Off a long hallway, there is a large bedroom. It”s somewhat like an apartment without having a kitchen. It has a small sitting area with a sleeping area to the side separated by a decorative screen that slides from floor to ceiling. There”s a full bathroom that looks more like a spa. It”s a very nice room, too nice to be a guest room.
“There”s no way this is the guest room,” I blurt out.
“It”s mine,” she says in a soft voice.
We”re both tired, and not really thinking very clearly, but she has to see that I am six-four and there’s no way in hell my giant body is going to fit on that dainty little sofa. It”s cute, but it would crack under my two hundred and eighty-pound body.
She catches me glowering at the couch, and giggles. “I have a huge bed, and it would be just to sleep.”
Slowly, I turn my head her direction. “Darlin’ even if you were giving me the green light, there”s no gas in this tank to get you there.”
I did think ahead for this exact situation. Rather, I was hoping there would be a scenario where we had to stay in a hotel. Maybe they were nearly sold out, except for one last room that only had a single bed. I see it all the time in the books that Jen leaves lying around the apartment. I may have picked some up and flipped through them. Okay, so I jumped straight to the sex scenes. At least I used to, but the point is, I brought a pair of pajama pants. Something tells me that if I start to get naked, Tessa is going to freak the fuck out.
She grabs some clothes out of her bag and heads to her bathroom. While she is in there, I quickly change out of my clothes and pull on my flannel sleep pants. Tessa comes out of the bathroom, wearing a tiny pair of shorts and a small tank top. Suddenly, I might have more energy than I thought.
I”m gaping at her like a pubescent moron who has never seen a girl before, and she becomes self-conscious. She starts tugging at the bottom of her tank top. “I get hot when I sleep, you know that,” she says, as if seeing her gorgeous body in such a small amount of fabric is a hardship for me.
Well, I”m hard, but I won”t say I don”t like it. I just can”t do anything about it. “I am not staring at you because I don”t like what you”re wearing. It”s quite the opposite,” I say pointedly.
“Oh,” she says breathily. Her eyes widen and she takes a step back.
I hold up a hand gesturing for her to stop. “I am able to control myself. I was just telling you that I don”t hate what you”re wearing. Would it be okay if I took my shirt off? Just my shirt I swear.”
She twirls a lock of hair around her finger, a nervous gesture I haven”t seen her do in a long time. “Yeah, I guess that”ll be okay.”
I reach behind my head and pull my shirt over and drop it on my bag next to the side of the bed. Her eyes are glued to my torso. It”s not like we haven”t seen each other over the last two years. We”ve even slept together in that time, but there wasn”t a lot of emotional connecting. So it”s not like she hasn”t seen me without my shirt on, but you wouldn”t know that by the way she”s looking at me.
I clear my throat. “Should we—” I jerk my head toward the bed gesturing to the blankets. Still, she doesn”t move. I grab them and turn the bed down.
“Sleep, Tessa, we need sleep.”
Without a word, she crawls in right after me and turns out the lights. I”m very careful not to invade her space. Not that it”s difficult, she”s hugging the edge of the bed as if she were going to fall off of it.
“Vixen, you can snuggle up to me, and trust that all we will do is sleep. Have I ever made you feel like I would do something that you didn”t consent to?”
She”s quiet for a moment, long enough that I start to sweat. Have I ever made her feel like I pressured her into something she wasn”t ready for? I”ll punch myself in the dick if I have. My reputation might be a bit overblown, but I have been with my fair share, or more than my fair share of women, not one of them did I have to manipulate into my bed.
Finally, in a low, thick voice, she says, “No, you”ve never done anything that I didn”t agree to.”
“Have I ever done anything you didn”t want? I don”t give a fuck about what you agreed to. I”m not asking about whether I am legally responsible for something. I want to know did you ever feel like I pressured you or coerced you into doing something you weren”t comfortable with. Please tell me, because I don”t ever want you to feel like your wants and needs aren”t important to me. Hell baby, they”re all that”s important to me.”
I feel the bed start to shake, and though she tries to hide it, it sounds like she”s crying. I don”t want what I think I know to be true, but still, I”m preparing myself to be there for her if it is. “Tessa, you”re killing me baby, what can I do? How can I help you right now?”
The bed dips and I hear her body sliding against the sheets. The warmth emanating off her skin hits my body before her skin touches it. Her hand shakes as she reaches out and tentatively touches my chest. My heart is hammering inside its cage, I don”t know if I want to go find her demons and fight them or take her and run somewhere safe. All of the things I want to do are active, but I know that what she needs is for me to just lay here. It”s the hardest fucking thing I could think to do.
Her voice is very quiet and it cracks with emotion, when she eventually speaks. “Can you, could you just hold me for a while? Can we do that without me having to explain anything right now?”
My throat hurts with the effort to hold back the emotion that I feel swelling up inside of me. She doesn”t need that from me right now. What she needs is for me to be steady. My imagination is running wild, because while I don”t know the details, it”s becoming very clear to me that my girl has survived an unimaginable hell. I have a sinking suspicion that it is all my fucking fault. Here I”ve been going on about how we shouldn”t be placing blame on each other, but I have a feeling I”m not going to be able to let myself off from this one very easily.
I clear my throat. “I”ll hold you forever. And you don”t have to talk about anything right now. I won”t make you talk until you”re ready. I hope you will talk to me eventually. Right now you need to sleep, we both do. I would love it if you let me hold you. I don”t know if it”s what you need, but I need it.”
“I do too,” she admits.
We”re quiet for a few minutes as she settles against me. I can feel her breathing slow down. My eyes start to get heavy. Holding her like this again, even with all the questions up in the air, relaxes me like nothing has been able to since the last time I”ve held her like this.
Just before I fall asleep, I hear her whisper, “I”ve missed you, Ford.”
I kissed the top of her head. “I missed you more, Vixen.”