Chapter 19
My phone buzzesin my pocket in the middle of class. I pull it out expecting to see a text from Tessa, but instead I find one from Raven. It’s been a hot second since she and I have hung out or texted on a regular basis. She’s still one of my best friends, but after getting nearly killed in an explosion, my priorities shifted to Tessa.
It’s for the best, Sin wasn’t always very comfortable with how close Raven and I were, and now that Tessa is living with them I completely understand where he was coming from. I know there’s absolutely nothing going on between him and Tessa. I trust her completely, and I know that Sin is obsessed with his wife, but the fact that they’ve had sex drives me fucking crazy.
I open Raven’s text to find scary capitals.
Raven
YOU DIDN’T TELL TESSA ABOUT THE NIGHT AT THE GYM?!?
Me
What are you talking about?
I”m pretty sure I know what she”s talking about, but I”m hoping that I”m wrong. I haven”t told Tessa about that night because it wasn”t significant to me. I know that night meant something to Sin and Raven, but for me it was only about helping my friends get past something causing harm in their relationship. Sure, it was hot, but I haven”t really thought of it since. I know that”s not how Tessa is going to view this. Now I find myself, once again, having to do damage control because of something having to do with Raven and Sin.
Raven
You know what I”m talking about. THE NIGHT.
Me
The one where I walked in on you and your freaky husband getting it on in front of the mirrors? That night?
Raven
Seriously???
Me
I think that night is more important to you and your husband than it was to me. Please don”t tell me you made it sound like it was a big deal for me to my girlfriend.
Raven
I think you need to talk to her.
Me
Damnit, Raven! Can we have one day where one of you guys doesn”t meddle in my relationship? I swear we could have less problems if you assholes would keep your mouths shut.
Raven
You ever think you”d have less problems in your relationship if you would open yours? Maybe you”re the asshole.
There are no more dots popping up on my phone. Now I have two women pissed off at me. There was a time when I would have been upset that Raven was mad at me, but right now all I care about is what Tessa is thinking. Unfortunately, I can”t figure out what that is in this moment because she”s in class. Not that I don”t try, but she”s also not responding to texts.
The moment my class lets out I run out to my truck. The football coach had emailed saying he wanted to see me, but getting to Sin and Raven”s house before Tessa was more important. Besides, football here at Playa Community College is over. I”m sure he wants to discuss where I”m going to go now that I”m graduating. I am extremely late in committing to a school. I should have months ago, but with everything going on, I got distracted. Thankfully, Raven”s uncle in the FBI pulled some strings and got me an interview at his alma mater, so playing D1 football wasn”t off the table for me just yet.
That would mean nothing if I didn”t have Tessa alongside me. Thankfully, Grant Holbrook is from Washington and went to college at Cascade University just north of Seattle. I bet he could pull some strings and get Tessa in as well, not that she needs the extra help, she’s brilliant.
My tires squeal on the asphalt as I quickly pull to a stop in front of their house. Sin comes out, to see what is going on. I doubt he will ever completely relax enough to drop his guard even at home. Perhaps especially not at home.
“Where’s the fire?” he asks as I jump out of my truck.
I”m scowling as I storm up his driveway. I”m trying to calm myself because starting off a conversation accusing Raven of anything isn’t going to win me points with her shoot first, ask questions later husband. I force myself to take a deep breath and exhale it slowly.
“Raven told Tessa about the night with the three of us in the gym,” I say.
His eyebrows draw together, and a deep crease forms between his eyes. “Why in the fuck would she tell her about that?”
I toss my hands up. “That”s what I would like to know.”
Taking my phone out of my back pocket, I unlock it and hand it to him. “Look at her last text.”
He scrolls through the thread. His dark eyes are nearly black when he hands it back to me. “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to Raven. I don’t know what the fuck she was thinking bringing that shit up to Tessa. She knows how hard of a time Tessa is having with all of this. I’m sure it seems like the three of us just forgave each other and had a fucking orgy while we treated her like a pariah.”
I didn”t realize how strongly he felt about Tessa, and frankly it”s making me a little uncomfortable. I feel like an asshole for just thinking it, because I”m mostly glad there are people, besides me, who care about her and have her best interests at heart. I also know he doesn”t have romantic feelings for her, however, he hasn”t always had purely platonic feelings for her either.
Actually, that”s probably not true, because I doubt he had any feelings for her whatsoever. I don”t recall there being a lot of feelings involved when he hooked up with our old friend the night we first met him at Carlo’s bar. He was trying to run from his feelings for Raven that night too.
“You’re looking at me funny. I don”t have to be a mind reader to know you”re jealous as fuck right now because I”ve seen that look in the mirror when your friendship with Raven started.”
I roll my eyes because he”s right, and I”m going to have to deal. But it doesn”t mean I have to like it. It isn”t that I don”t want them to be friends. I just don”t want her to turn to any other men in her life except me. I want our relationship to be less toxic, but baby steps. I”m not going to go from where I was to being in a healthy relationship with her overnight. The best we can probably hope for is for me not to smother her with my possessive assholery.
“And do you have any suggestions on how I can deal with this green-eyed monster I am suddenly burdened with?” I finally ask him.
Sin smiles, like he”s been waiting for this kind of payback for, well, over six months. “Sure I do. You can shove that shit deep down, and try and not let her see that it bothers you. And when it starts to come up, making you gag, choke on it.”
“Is it like this every day?” I”m honestly curious and I really hope that it”s not because I thought we were all on better terms now.
He shrugs. “Nah, not every day. Not so much after you got your ass blown up. I”m not going to lie, before that, I was really having a hard time with the two of you spending time together. I lied and told her I wasn’t, but even after that night at the gym, I still didn”t like the two of you being alone together.”
My head is nodding the entire time he’s speaking, because for the first time, I understand. “Yeah, now that she is back, I really fucking hate her living here with you.”
He opens his mouth, but I hold up my hand before he can tell me what I already know. “You don”t have to say it. I know that there”s no way in hell you would ever cheat on Raven. I know that you”re not even tempted to. And I”ll tell you how I know that. Before Tessa came back, you were right to not want me alone with Raven.”
His jaw clenches, and I know I need to speak faster. Hand to hand I could possibly take him, but it doesn”t matter that I am taller with a bit more muscle, he fights dirty. So do I, but I”ve killed a significantly less amount of people than he has. All of them have been after I”ve met him and Raven, and while trying not to die myself. I make a mental note to add that to the laundry list of reasons why I probably need therapy.
“You were right not to want me to be alone with her, not because I wanted her, I was still madly in love with Tessa, but I was envious of what the two of you had together. There were a couple of moments I got confused about what exactly I was thinking.”
His nostrils flare. “Explain,” he demands. His voice has that low, deadly quality I’ve heard when he was threatening enemies.
“It would just be a moment here and there where I would wonder, very fleetingly, if I wanted Raven or what you had with Raven. And by fleeting, I mean the moment the thought entered my head within seconds I knew that the face I saw when I pictured myself in a relationship was Tessa’s. I am right where I wanted to be the entire time. Now I just need for my friends not to fuck it up.”
“She”s not exactly wrong when she said you should have told Tessa, but how does that conversation come up?” Sin asks.
“Beats me. But the thing is, I didn”t not tell her. I honestly don”t think about that night like the two of you probably do. That whole exhibitionism/voyeurism thing is your kink, not mine.”
Sin crosses his arms across his chest, turns his head to the side, and studies me. “There”s no way you’re vanilla.”
“I never said I was, I just don”t get off on people watching me while I”m fucking. No judgment, it”s just not my thing.”
“What”s not your thing?” Tessa”s husky voice asks, making me jump.
“Goddamn, hybrid cars,” I mutter.
“What was that?” Sin asks. He’s smirking like the motherfucker he is.
“You knew I didn”t hear her car pull up in the driveway,” I accuse.
“You”re getting soft. Two girls just snuck up on you. How are you going to defend your home and your woman?” He”s kind of joking, but his default setting is always hyper-awareness. I guess I can”t really blame him after the shit he”s been through.
Tessa doesn”t rush straight in to hug me, a strong indication she’s at least a little mad. But she”s here and talking to me so this is fixable. Groveling is pretty much my default setting right now, and probably will be for a while. After how badly I keep messing up, I am very lucky she hasn”t taken off already.
She”s getting irritated since I still haven”t answered her question, so she swivels her head to ask her good buddy, Sin.
“Please tell me you”re not trying to figure out how to blow smoke up my ass. Raven already spilled the beans about the three of you and your freaky night at the gym. I just don”t understand,” she mumbles the last part.
“What don”t you understand?” I ask before she can continue to focus on him.
She turns back to look at me, and I fall into an overwhelming display of agony in her brown eyes. There is a bottomless well of pain inside of them, and I hate that so much of what I see looking back at me, I put there. “I don’t understand how everything was just suddenly okay between the three of you. How is what you did, any different than what I did? How is what Sin did any different than what Raven did? Why was everything okay for the three of you, and I was the Whore of Babylon?”
I look over at Sin, and he gives me a look that says, “I told you so.”
The words just aren”t coming to me. I open my mouth and close it. Several times I try to say something to explain it, but there is no explanation. The truth is we really are assholes.
“I was the one who was the most unfair to you,” Raven speaks up. “I couldn”t see beyond my own pain and jealousy to see that the confidence you projected was a mask. Looking back it”s so obvious that I feel like a bitch for not seeing it before.”
“You”re wrong,” Sin interjects.
“Sin, I love you, and I know you like seeing the best in me, but you have to let me own this one. I was not fair to her,” she pushes back.
“Oh, I”m not disagreeing with that. I”m saying you weren”t the most unfair. The truth is we all used her. The three of us are dicks. I saw that she was hurting and I took advantage of that. I used it to get her to do what I wanted, which was to help me push you away. So if anyone”s the most to blame, it”s me. And everybody let me off the hook within days. Even you forgave me a couple of days later, Raven. We all know that you and Ford hooked up to feel better sure, but also to get back at Tessa and I.”
Sin turns his attention to me. “You kept some pretty important information to yourself. If I had known that you were in her bed just that morning, I”m not saying I wouldn”t have still done it, but I like to think I wouldn”t have. You let everyone think she was the one fucking you over.”
“Yeah, and I”ve already told you guys what I did was fucked up, but she”s the only one I”m concerned about making it up to,” I admit.
“Good, I think you should do whatever will make her feel better.” He turns to Raven, puts his hand around her throat. He guides her until her back is pressed against one of the posts of the porch.
Raven’s chest rises and falls, even from here I can see her blue eyes widen not with fear but arousal. With his other hand, he strokes the side of her hair, continuing until his knuckles brush across her cheek. Every move he makes projects his dominance and control over her, while every breath she takes shows her complete submission to him.
He continues to speak to me, as if he isn’t practically molesting his wife right in front of us. It”s hot, but I”m a little worried how Tessa is going to respond to such a blatant display of control and manhandling, considering what her recent triggers are. I look down to check on her and see that she is fighting to control her breathing, and her thighs are squeezed together. She might not be able to handle my weight on top of her, but my submissive little Vixen is still in there.
Sin looks back at us and says, “Maybe instead of deciding who was at fault, we should be thinking about how to reconcile the situation that is. We can do fuck all about the past. It”s over. We”re never going to go back to that moment in time, so continuing to break down who did what to whom, and how we”re going to assess levels of blame. It might help with validation but it”s not going to fix anything.”
Tessa”s hand goes up to her throat, but I relax because she”s looking at Raven. She leans against me, and I wrap my arm around her waist, holding her steady.
“How were you able to feel comfortable with this?” Tessa gestures to where Sin is still holding Raven”s throat.
Raven understands immediately what Tessa is asking, and even though I”m the only one she has given all the details to, I can see that Raven doesn”t need them. Sin doesn”t miss it either.
Raven looks up at Sin with so much trust and love, for a split second that familiar feeling of jealousy comes racing back. This time it doesn”t confuse me. I immediately understand that I just want Tessa to be comfortable enough to express herself with me without fear holding her back. I want to be able to touch her without those demons looking back at me through her brown eyes. I want to be able to fulfill her fantasies without fear taking away her pleasure.
Raven’s voice interrupts my inner monologue. “It wasn”t easy at first. I was afraid I would never be able to let go of what Kyle did to me.”
She bites her lip, and I remember something that makes my stomach drop. Sin was not her first consensual sexual partner. I was. I”m not sure hearing the story is going to help Tessa. The look in Raven’s eyes tells me she is wondering the same thing.
“So, how did you?” Tessa is practically begging for help, and not telling her would be cruel.
I give Raven a nod to let her know I”m okay with her continuing the story. She looks at Sin and if the tightness in his jaw is an indication, he has figured out the direction of the story as well.
“Well, this is super uncomfortable, but I”ll be honest. It was because the first guy I was with that was my choice was Ford. It was just the way he reassured me that I had the power. When I did finally have the courage to talk to Sin about my feelings, I knew that not every touch was cruel.”
Raven takes a breath, and her eyes hold her husband’s. “I won”t tell his story, but I will say that when we finally took that step I was able to talk to him, and he understood in a way most men don’t.”
Sin’s hand slides up the side of her face until he”s cupping the back of her neck, and pulls her in for an uncomfortably passionate kiss. Right before I try to pull Tessa away so we don”t have to watch them fornicate on the porch, they pull apart.
Sin drops his forehead to Raven’s, and for a moment they exist in a silent bubble where it’s clear they’re communicating even though no words are spoken.
He lifts his head and looks at Tessa. “You were around enough so you know the basics, that I wasn”t always an assassin. I understand feeling like there is a filth you”ll never wash off. I spent years with an unhealthy approach to sex, that”s why I fought against what I felt for Raven so hard. Talking about it does help, at least when you”re talking to people who can understand what you”ve been through.”
That is another way I can’t help her. My father, rat bastard that he is, never abused me like that. Some people on this earth are flawed, broken, and beyond weak. There are bad people in this world. Lyle Shaw is one of them, but Damien was evil.
There is a difference, perhaps it”s a small nuance, but my father never sought to hurt anyone. He reacted in the moment and often felt guilty about it later. It was never his goal or intention to cause harm, he was just too fucking stupid and weak not to.
Damien on the other hand enjoyed destroying people. Sometimes it wasn”t a means to an end, but the entire purpose. What he did to Sin was cruelty for the sake of a profit. He destroyed a child for entertainment and money. No matter how much abuse I’ve experienced or how much shit I”ve seen, it”ll still never compare to the life Sin endured before Raven gave him a reason to live it.
Another thing about Sin that makes him a creepy motherfucker, he is way too perceptive, it’s almost supernatural. He”s a hundred percent human, I”ve helped him patch up enough of his wounds to attest that the man does bleed, but if there”s such a thing as a gift of extra insight, he has it.
“I know what you”re thinking,” he says. I don”t say anything, because I”m sure he”s going to continue speaking whether I ask him to clarify or not.
“I can see the wheels turning in your head. I bet right about now you are feeling guilty that you haven”t been fucked up the same way the three of us have been. But think about this, Raven, Tessa, and I belong to this exclusive club that no one wants to join. You don”t want to really understand what we”re saying, but part of you feels left out nonetheless.”
I scoff. “That”s stupid.” It”s not stupid. “I”m just pissed because I can”t take away her pain.”
Sin nods. “I believe that, but you”re also feeling guilty because you think that our trauma is worse than yours. That”s not how it works. Your pain is yours, just because someone else is perceived to have endured something worse doesn”t mean what you”ve lived through is not awful. Don”t let your dickhead of a father off the hook just because I fell into the hands of a demon. Because, see here’s the thing, Damien is not my father. The man who abused me, who let other men abuse me, was not the man responsible for creating me. My parents never stopped looking for me, yours didn”t protect you. So, my pain isn”t worse than yours, it”s just different.”
I let those words sink in and realize he’s right, I have a right to my pain. Another epiphany hits me, and I look down at Tessa to make sure she hears every word I say. “Just because you were only there for three days doesn”t mean that you suffered less than Tracy and Lydia.”
“I want to get my power back,” she whispers to me.
“Anything you want, Vixen, and it”s yours,” I promise her again.
“I might have a suggestion,” Sin says.
I don”t know what he”s going to say exactly, but I already hate it.