Chapter 20
“Are you guys hungry?”Sin asks.
“It’s like five in the afternoon, Sin,” Ford points out.
Sin assesses each of us. “We’re going to want to change. Our ladies are probably going to want to do what they do to drive us insane.”
Raven stretches up on her toes and kisses him on the cheek. “You love it, don”t complain.”
“Mmm, but I”m a little bit of a masochist,” he teases her back.
Raven heads my way, grabs my arm, and tugs me toward the house. “C’mon, I”ll do your hair.”
“How dressy is the place you”re taking us to? I don”t have a trust fund anymore, so unless this is a place with a value menu, it”s probably out of our price range,” I protest.
She shakes her head. “Our suggestion, our treat.”
“Tessa’s right, it”s too much. You guys already helped us with our plane tickets,” Ford adds.
“Do you think I give a shit about money? You were there with me when I got my identity, so do you think I had money before that?” He points at Raven. “She”s all I need. As long as I have her, the rest is just details. All that money in our account means nothing if we can”t use it to take care of our family, and as far as Raven and I are concerned, you guys are family.”
My mouth is open in shock. Jackson Sinclair is not a warm and fuzzy guy. We call the man Sin for fuck’s sake, so to hear him talk about us as family kind of chokes me up a little bit. Raven tips her head slightly acknowledging the emotional overload I am feeling.
She gives my hand another tug, and together we walk into the house. I have no idea what I”m going to wear because I don”t know where we”re going. “What kind of dress are we talking here?”
It”s not like I”ve never been to a fancy restaurant. This is the world I grew up in after all. I”m not even worried that I won”t have anything to wear. I gave up my trust fund, not my closet. Sure, some of my clothes might be out of style by several seasons, if you were someone who keeps up on such things, but I tended to buy the more classic pieces that never go out of style.
I lay a couple of options down on the bed. Raven considers each one and sets them aside. She has a serious expression on her face when she sits down at the end of my bed facing me.
“The restaurant we”re going to is more like a club. Not a nightclub, but more like a country club. Javier belongs to it, and he gave us a membership as a wedding present. They have all of the things that you would imagine at a country club, golf, tennis, a pool, and a few things you wouldn’t. The members of this club are younger than most country clubs, and they have activities that cater to this crowd.”
I can tell by the way she”s hedging her words that there”s an underlying meaning that she”s having trouble spelling out. Then it hits me like a cliché moment in a cartoon where a lightbulb suddenly illuminates over a character’s head, and I blurt out, “Oh my God, you”re taking us to a sex club!”
Her blue eyes open as wide as saucers, but despite the shocked look on her face, she doesn”t dispute what I said immediately. “It”s not exactly a sex club. There are parties—” She holds her hands out in front of her, probably because of the look of horror and curiosity on my face. “We haven”t gone to those. I just know about them because people talk. However, they have these private dining rooms where you are mostly secluded, but there’s still a chance someone could walk in. We have taken advantage of those.”
I gasp slightly, and she just shrugs. “He has a thing for being watched. I”m not really into it, so we”ve compromised. The public location and the chance of being caught is still enough for him.”
“And you? How do you feel about it?” I ask her.
A wide smile spreads across her face. “It is pretty hot actually.”
Maybe I”m na?ve or I”m just really bad at putting the pieces together, but I can”t figure out how I fit into this story. “Not that I”m unhappy about our girl bonding time, but why are you sharing this particular detail about the restaurant we”re going to tonight?”
“Because I saw your face when you found out about the night that—” She trails off, having a hard time, saying the words.
“About the night that Ford watched you and your husband fuck? I mean it”s not the most comfortable feeling. Especially considering I was pretty much ostracized and then you three just have some sort of kinky make up ritual and afterwards, everything is hunky-dory,” I rant. The words come pouring out as if I opened a release valve and there is no turning it back off.
Raven jabs her finger on the comforter. “That”s exactly what I mean. I”m not denying that we fucked up. You felt left out because you were left out. And I know that to other people what happened between the three of us seems really strange, but it really helped Sin put away his jealousy over what happened between Ford and me. I know there is still some lingering animosity between us, and I think this could tear down that wall.”
I think about what she’s suggesting. It”s weird, but it does have a twisted kind of logic to it. Instead of being this painful memory about a night that tore apart my relationship, it can become something that cements a bond between the four of us. Maybe I”m just trying to rationalize this because there”s a part of me that wants to be as free as Raven, and I think they can help me get that back.
I chew on my lip as I think about that. “I”m not sure. It”s still so hard for me. I want to get to where you are. When Ford and I were in Seattle we finally?—”
Raven starts bouncing on the bed. “You totally got it on. I could tell, you had a glow that no lotion or makeup can give you.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, so, the thing is, I couldn’t let him take control, even though I wanted him to. I am not a take charge kind of girl in the bedroom.”
“You’re submissive. I am too,” she comments with a shrug.
I wonder if I have some kind of sign or tell. She says it so matter of factly that I must be broadcasting it somehow. It was pretty easy to determine for me that she was based on how much she was enjoying Sin’s hand necklace.
I chuckle. “I noticed.”
“I’m going to say something and I hope it’s not crossing any lines,” she begins.
I hold my breath, and motion for her to speak.
“Ford is pretty dominant. How did he handle giving you that much control?”
“He struggled at points to not take over, but he was pretty great about it. It”s not like I hated it. There were parts that I would want to keep, but I want to get back that feeling of safety to be able to hand over that trust to him and not seize up when his weight is on top of me.”
“We don”t have to commit to do or not do anything. Let”s just find the sexiest dresses that we own, put on some really slutty underwear, and go out to dinner with our men. From there, we”re just going to do what feels right. Promise me you will try to stay in the moment. Don”t get lost in your head and worry about what”s going to happen next. Know that the three of us have your back no matter what. Whatever feels natural and feels good that”s what we go with.”
I nod my head. “I can do that.” Or at least I would try.
* * *
I feelnaked in the dress Raven picked out for me. It’s one I’ve had for years, and never had the guts to wear. I’m not even sure why I ever bought it. Where did I think I was going to wear a black, backless dress that looks more like a slip?
Whatever the reason was, I’m wearing it now, along with a pair of silver spike heels studded with tiny rhinestones. My hair is down, with loose curls that Raven painstakingly made to look like what she called, “sex hair.” She completed the look with a smoky eye and transfer-free red lipstick. My stomach gives a little flip thinking of why I would be worried about my lipstick smudging on something or someone else.
The image of Ford’s cock with my lipstick smeared on it flits through my mind, and I definitely don’t hate it. That’s because I still feel some kind of primal need to mark my territory when it comes to him, and I’m not sure when that feeling will go away. Even here with our friends, I wonder when he’s going to get bored with monogamy and move on. We never have been great at maintaining commitment for long stretches of time.
Sin is giving me an odd look, not in a sexual way, but I still feel like he’s peering deep inside of me. He has a really creepy way of stripping a person down to their basic motivations. It’s like being emotionally naked. I’ve had sex with the guy, and being friends with him feels more intrusive than that. I wonder sometimes how Raven can handle someone as intense as he is. If he’s like this with someone he’s barely friends with, I can only imagine how he must be when they’re alone. I don’t even mean sexually. The way he must consume her every breath when they’re alone, I’m jealous. I’ve always wanted Ford to be that taken with me the way the two of them are with each other.
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel disposable. I know he’s been trying to prove to me that he’s all in, and I try to believe him. He says to give him time, and I guess I don’t have a choice. I couldn’t run away or push him away now. I might not believe he needs me, but for me, Ford is the air I breathe.
I stumble on my heels when I get a look at him. Ford in normal jeans and a T-shirt can and has brought women to their knees, but in a pair of tailored black slacks and a fitted dress shirt is lethal. The dark gunmetal gray shirt somehow makes his hazel eyes stand out even from across the room. Sometimes I can’t believe we’ve been given this second chance, and I find myself holding my breath for when we’ll fuck it up again.
They’re all looking at me, and I realize I’ve been lost in my head for a lot longer than I thought. That’s something that has happened a lot since my abduction. My therapist called it a trauma response, but I call it fucking annoying. It’s just another thing that makes me feel like I’m broken. I can’t even be with my boyfriend the way we used to, the way I want to, not without having a breakdown and freaking out.
Ford moves to stand in front of me. His hand slides around my waist, and some of the anxiety swelling inside of me retreats. “If you aren’t up for this, we don’t have to go,” he says.
“She’s fine,” Sin intrudes before I can speak. His dark eyes latch on to mine, and I see understanding in their dark depths. “Sometimes the thoughts inside our heads get too loud to ignore.”
Sin turns to face me and gives me the full weight of his attention. “We’re just going to dinner. Ford can tell you that he wants you to be happy. Raven and I can tell you we consider you a good friend, family even, but words don’t mean shit to people like us. The only goal tonight is to make you feel comfortable and included. We will all follow your lead.”
“That’s a mistake, because I’m fucking lost,” I admit. It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve told anyone about how I’m feeling except for Benji. Maybe I am starting to see them as my friends, and that scares me. Letting more people in means I have more people to lose.
* * *
“Mr. Sinclair,we have your private dining room set up in the back.” The ma?tre d’ fusses about trying to hurry us through the restaurant. At first, I think he’s impressed by the amount of zeroes in Sin and Raven’s joint bank account and trying to give us prompt service, but the nervous sweat forming on the man’s forehead makes me think it’s fear that has him jumping to get us away from the rest of the clientele.
“I’m pretty sure that man thinks you kill puppies for fun,” Ford whispers to Sin as we’re led toward the back room.
Sin chuckles. He strolls into the dark wood-paneled room and sits down on the wide bench seat. He drapes his arms across the back as if he doesn’t care in the slightest that he terrifies the waitstaff at the club he’s been gifted a membership at. He probably doesn’t.
“I think he knows I used to kill people professionally and got away with it. That tends to make people jumpy. The sane ones at least.”
A waitress saunters in with a bottle of wine and four glasses. The moment she sees Ford and Sin she’s practically salivating. She leans forward, presses her arms together and tries her best to thrust her cleavage in their faces while trying to offer them anything on the menu, or off the menu. “Is there anything I can offer you, Mr. Sinclair?”
Sin doesn’t even bother to pick up a menu, and turns to us. “Everyone okay with one of those charcuterie platters to go with the wine?”
We nod. I didn’t really think we were planning on having a full meal at six o’clock at night.
“Of course, Mr. Sinclair. I’ll get that put in for you.” She twirls her hair around her finger and blushes when she shifts her focus onto Ford. “You’re Ford Shaw, right? I went to Playa Community last year and saw you play the winning championship game.”
She licks her lips, and her eyes dart back and forth between both of them. “Anything either of you wants, I’m your girl.”
Raven snaps her fingers in her face. “I know you’re not flirting with my husband and her fiancé right in front of our faces. Because if you were I’d have to say something to your boss, and I’m pretty sure he’s terrified of me just a little bit more than my husband. Probably because of my fascination with fire.”
“I think it’s your deadly accuracy throwing knives personally,” I add. Then I look at the waitress and see the kind of girl I went to school with. The kind who doesn’t care if a man is taken if she thinks she can take him away.
“I know your type, so it’s only fair if you know mine. I trust my man, but if you even try to make a move on him I’ll rip your hair out and bitch slap you. Tell me you understand me,” I demand.
She doesn’t respond, only looks at me wide-eyed and shaking.
Ford pulls me down onto his lap. “Easy, Vixen. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t need to threaten her.”
Sin guides Raven to straddle his lap. “Speak for yourself, Shaw. I love it when my wife threatens violence on my behalf. It’s our love language.”
“You really need to quit confusing true crime with self-help books, dude. I think you’re out of Get Out of Jail Free passes,” Ford jokes.
No one notices or cares when the waitress all but runs out of the room. I’m starting to understand why the service staff is afraid of them.
Conversation flows between us while we wait for the charcuterie tray to arrive. It feels a lot like the get-togethers I used to have at my house when Ford and I were first getting together. The lights are low, and sultry music strums through the speakers. It sets the mood, and the four of us are swept up in it.
It starts out innocently enough. Sin and Raven are obviously more comfortable with being casually affectionate. A simple kiss, then another that lingers a bit longer. Ford and I are a bit more inhibited. He casually touches my hand, and lets his hand brush against my leg.
Our eyes meet and hold. His fingers lightly touch my chin and tilt my head. His breath hits my mouth and my lips part, anticipating the touch of his against them. I feel the slightest ghost of a touch when there’s a tap at the sliding door, and he backs away with a groan.
Sin wasn’t joking when he said he likes when Raven threatens violence on his behalf. One of his hands slides up her thighs and disappears under her dress, while he wraps her hair around the other one until he has enough control to use it to tilt her head back and give him access to her neck. Raven yields to every move he makes like they are in the middle of a perfectly choreographed erotic dance.
Ford clears his throat, but Sin only moves his hand low enough not to appear to be actively fingering his wife, but it’s still more than clear he either was or will be as soon as the waiter leaves.
A different server sweeps into the room, and without any conversation sets the elegantly laid out platter down in the middle of the table. “Will that be all?” he asks.
Sin pulls a fifty-dollar bill out of his wallet and hands it to him. “This will be everything. I’ll pay the bill on the way out. Please make sure that no one disturbs us.”
“Absolutely, sir. Please enjoy your—meal.”
The waiter’s interruption manages to cool things down. Conversation picks back up for a while as we pick at the various items in front of us. Sin uncorks the wine and pours just a bit in each glass. Enough to take the edge off of the nerves, but not so much that any of us would be impaired.
I feel my blood heat, and I don’t think it’s because of the alcohol, but rather the gorgeous man beneath me. I lean back against Ford’s chest and I can feel his heart thumping against my back. It makes me feel powerful knowing I can affect him as much as he does me.
His heart isn’t the only pulsing I feel. The ache between my legs is nearly unbearable, and I start rocking against his thigh to seek some relief. Ford’s hands flex on either side of his legs, and I feel guilty that he’s fighting his instincts for my peace of mind. It’s incredibly sweet, and I love him for it, but I hate that he’s always going to be on edge to try and help me relax. It’s sweet, but a useless effort, because as long as I give into this trigger, I’m never going to be at peace.
Raven’s head is tipped back, lost in the sensations Sin is bringing out in her, but while she is in a world of her own, he pays attention to the two of us. “Look at you, so hungry for something right there in front of you, but you’re torturing yourself by not letting yourself have it. It’s time to let go,” he tells me.
“I want to, but I don’t know how,” I admit.
Sin looks over my shoulder to Ford. “She needs you to take control. I know she’s afraid, but you can’t let her fear guide what is between you.”
“Back off, Sin. This dominant shit might be what Raven needed, but you don’t know Tessa. She’s not like Raven,” Ford snaps.
“I know that,” Sin says with a sense of knowing that crawls over my skin and tears away at the shield I hide behind. He looks me dead in the eye, straight into me, and says, “She’s not like Raven, she’s like me.”
An alarm is blaring through my head, screeching a warning that he knows my last secret, but the look he gives me tells me that he will hold it. I take a few seconds to calm myself, and then ask him, “How do I let it go?”
“Do you trust him?” he asks and jerks his chin at Ford.
I’ve been kicking this same question over for myself since I agreed to give us another chance. There’s a part of me that is still apprehensive, and I’m not sure I completely trust that we’ll last. My silence pushes Ford over the edge.
His hand comes up to hold my throat, his fingers grip either side of my chin and he turns my face to his. “I want to hear your answer to this. Do you think I’d hurt you?”
I try to dip my head, but he won’t let me. “Answer me, Tess,” he insists.
“Not physically,” I murmur.
Raven manages to push through the fog of lust to give me advice. “It isn’t called a leap of faith because it’s easy. When I chose to give Sin another chance after that weekend, it was the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
We’re talking as if the subjects of our discussion weren’t sitting right here with us. “I’m scared. Not of Ford, but of the things that creep into my mind. I don’t want those things anywhere near what we have. I wish it could be like it was before our parents came back from Vegas.”
Sin looks at me with understanding, and it finally sinks in. This is the real reason we’re here. Not some bullshit excuse of evening the score. “You guys thought I needed help didn”t you?”
“Don”t you?” Sin asks me. “I’ve been there, and I freaked the fuck out over and over to the point that I almost lost the love of my life. You’re suffering, and you can only speak about a fraction of the cause of it. You’re a bomb about to explode, and you don’t seem to be aware of it.”
“What is he talking about?” Ford asks me.
I want to shrink, become invisible, or do anything to turn the attention off of me. The best I can manage at the moment is to deflect. While I’m avoiding one problem, I can at least let them help me with another one. “How can I defuse? I want my life back, do you think you can help with that?”
“That’s the easy part,” he starts. “You just do what feels right, and if you start to panic we’re all here for you.”
Ford grabs my waist and twists me around. I swing my leg over him to straddle his. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of Sin kissing Raven as if just thinking about how he nearly lost her makes him need to remind himself she’s here with him now. I understand that kind of desperation. From the moment I opened up my heart to the possibility of Ford and me trying one more time, I often find myself needing to touch him just to prove it isn’t a dream.
I try and ground myself in the moment as his hands move up to hold my throat. I start to breathe faster, and not out of lust. Ford immediately drops his hand. “We don’t have to do this.”
Sin hovers over Raven, and looks over at us. “Don’t give up that easily. Tessa, take a deep breath and look him in the eyes. He is not them.”
He looks at Ford. “Lay her down on the bench. Remember it’s not about taking control, but making her feel safe enough to surrender it.”
I can tell Ford is bristling under the interference, but it’s making me feel safe. Not just because I have Raven and Sin, but because Ford will do whatever it takes to help me.
Slowly he lays me down on the bench and hovers over me. I follow Sin’s advice and I keep my eyes on Ford’s. His hands slide up my legs from my ankles to my thighs and guide them open.
I’m aware that at any moment the waitstaff could come back to check on us, even with the large tip Sin gave him.
The heavy breathing coming next to us is a good sign that Raven and Sin aren’t waiting to find out how much time we have back here either. The thrill of being sort of in public, not being alone, and the potential of being caught is enough to distract me from the other fears that are trying to bubble up from my damaged psyche.
Ford must see the moment my apprehension turns to arousal because he kisses me with a hunger I haven’t felt from him in ages. It’s clear he held back from me in Seattle. I don’t ever want him to censor himself with me again. I want this version of him. The raw, animalistic, needy Ford who kisses me like he’ll die if he doesn’t.
My hands go to his hair, and I fist my hands in the strands he keeps just long enough for me to do this, but this time he isn’t giving me an inch of control. He pulls my hands down and pins them above my head with one hand.
His other hand slips below my dress, and I’m not even embarrassed to know that he’s going to find me soaking wet. In fact, I’m proud that I’ve been able to exist in the moment and let go like this. His fingers stroke me, and I let my head roll back.
Ford’s mouth blazes a hot trail from my shoulder to the space below my ear. I shiver when he reaches that spot, like he knew I would. That’s the thing about being with the man who taught you how to make love, who is the only one you’ve ever made love with.
Sin and I fucked, and only once. Ford and I have done everything, and as a result, he knows every part of my body, and how to make me come better than I do.
His teeth gently pull on my earlobe, and when he lets go he whispers in my ear. “Are you ready for me?”
“I have always been ready for you, and it’s been hell waiting.”
Ford takes his hand out from under my dress, and undoes his pants, quickly lowering them. Raven wisely advised me to go commando this evening. He enters me in one hard thrust, but then he hesitates.
My fingers grasp his where he still holds them over my head. “Don’t you dare hold back on me,” I demand.
“I love you, Vixen. I don’t need this. You don’t have to do this for me.”
I lean up and kiss him softly on the lips. “I love you for saying that, and even more because I know you mean it. I want you to do this for me. Not because I’m trying to prove a point, but because this feels good right now.”
He doesn’t need me to convince him. Ford takes me with the kind of passion and force I thought I’d never experience again, and our stifled grunts and moans mingle with our friends’.
They were right though. That night at the cabin no longer feels like this giant stain on my life, but rather some kind of step leading me to this place, strange as it might be, but it’s where I know I belong. It’s the road to healing, and I don’t know if I’d have found it without their help.