Chapter 21
Movingday is creeping up on us, and I still haven’t told Shane. Well, we haven’t told anyone, but me not telling my best friend is unusual. At first, I was just following Tessa’s lead, but her instinct is to keep everything about her life private, even from our friends. It’s a painful reminder that I’ve left scars in her that won’t heal right away. The best I can do is keep trying every day to show her I’m all in. I think part of the reason she’s kept our move a secret is she’s waiting for me to change my mind. I just didn’t see it until now.
The truth is that I’ve enjoyed existing in this bubble with her. I knew the moment we told everyone we were moving we’d be bombarded with their opinions. It wasn’t that I was worried they’d change my mind, but that they’d interrupt my time with Tessa. My time with her is already limited, at least quality alone time, because we’re always surrounded by other people.
Take today for example, it’s yet another Saturday afternoon, and all nine of us are sitting around Sin and Raven’s house. There was no plan to come here, no text or group chat. Everyone just ended up here because we are conditioned by trauma to gravitate toward each other.
“Let’s go down to the beach. It’s so sunny and warm today,” Amber suggests.
There’s a lengthy debate, but no one comes up with anything better to do.
Jen gets up and grabs her purse. “We”re going to go back to our apartment to get ready. We”ll meet you guys at the beach.”
“I guess I need to follow you guys back,” I say, remembering I don”t have any clothes here.
Tessa is very quiet while everyone scrambles around getting ready to go to the beach. “I”m going to skip it. I”ve got a lot of packing I still need to do.”
Everyone turns to look at her. Raven and Sin are the only ones who don”t look surprised that she”s planning on leaving.
“Why are you packing? Oh! Are you and Ford finally moving in together?” Jen asks.
Tessa shakes her head. She turns to look at me, and I can see the confusion written all over her face. That’s when I see that I’ve fucked up again. She wasn’t hiding this information from them, she was letting me decide when to tell them.
“I thought everyone knew I was moving back to Seattle after the semester was over,” she finally says after an awkward silence.
“That was before you and Ford got back together. You”re still planning on moving?” Shane asks stunned.
Tessa looks at me imploringly. I had hoped to have this conversation with him alone, not in the middle of the entire group. However, Tessa can’t read my mind and mistakes my silence for having a change of heart about moving.
“I”m not surprised really. This is what you do. Did things get too real for you, Tessa? Do you miss being a rich girl? I bet Bennett would still take you back. He seems dumb enough to take whatever you”re willing to give him. That”s perfect for as often as you change your mind,” Shane insults her.
I don’t know where this is coming from. I know they haven’t made up yet, but I thought they were getting closer. This outburst is full of a lot more animosity than I realized he held for her.
“Shane, you”re my oldest friend, so I”m going to do you a favor and give you this warning, you need to shut the fuck up right now. You don”t know what you”re talking about, and you”re going to feel really fucking stupid when everything is explained and I don”t think that you”re going to be able to take shit back this time,” I seethe.
“What am I going to need to take back? Every single time you two get back together she does something that crushes you, and I”m the one left behind picking up the pieces. You never learn, and you just keep doing it over and over again. I thought maybe this time you had both gone through enough that it would last, that you could finally see what you have in each other, but instead, the first chance she gets and she”s off and running again,” Shane explains himself.
“And you”re basing all of this on her having to stay here to pack?” I ask.
“What more evidence do you need that she”s leaving? She”s fucking packing her shit,” he spits out.
It feels weird to me now that I was afraid of telling him I was leaving. This is the first time since elementary school we will be apart, and it feels like a major part of my life is ending. Even at twenty-one I still had some growing up to do. Shane will always be one of my best friends, but just as his life is moving forward with Jen, it”s time I start moving in the same direction as Tessa. This just happens to be the moment where Shane”s and my paths diverge.
“I know she”s leaving because I”m going with her,” I say somewhat quietly.
Perhaps I’m being a bit melodramatic, but it feels like time stops for a second. All side conversations halt, and suddenly I have a hundred percent of everyone”s attention.
“What do you mean you”re moving? I thought you were going to go to the university here?” Shane presses.
“Plans change,” I state simply, because I don’t see why I have to justify why I am moving with the love of my life. Making her happy is my primary goal in life, and my best friend should understand that.
“That’s it? You’re just going to tell us that plans change, and we’re supposed to be cool with you fucking off to Seattle with the chick who has broken you over and over again?” Shane snaps at me.
Jen takes a step back away from him. “That’s not fair, and you know it. I’m not going to say we’ve heard the full story, but I think we’ve gotten enough of it to know that’s bullshit. You were the one who was supposed to help Ford find his way back to her, so why are you trying to come between them now? You knew she never wanted to leave him.”
“That’s what she said, but she sure as shit moved on pretty damn fast. Not to mention the shit she pulled at the cabin hooking up with Sin,” Shane says.
Sin practically jumps off the couch, and he seems coiled tight. Not a good sign when it comes to him and his temper. “No way you’re bringing that shit up. That’s between the four of us, and you can fuck off with your opinions. We’ve all made our peace with what happened, and that’s all that matters.”
“Whatever, but am I the only one who remembers that she was engaged to another man not that long ago?” Shane grasps at another straw.
Tessa stands up and tosses her hands in the air. “Just say it plainly, and let’s quit dancing around what’s going on here. You don’t like me. I don’t know how we went from you begging me not to give up on him when we were still in high school to you pulling this shit, but frankly, I don’t think I like you much anymore either. Unlike you, I’d never try and get in the way of your relationship with Ford.”
“But you already have,” Shane shouts at her. “Every time you are around he either goes into some kind of depression, or he disappears into some bubble with you. Now you aren’t happy with just monopolizing all of his time, but you’re dragging him hundreds of miles away. I bet you don’t even give a shit what he’s giving up here.”
I’ve had enough of him blaming her. Yes, I tend to get tunnel vision where she’s concerned, but it isn’t like he doesn’t do the same thing when it comes to Jen. As for me giving anything up, he needs to see how much more being with Tessa brings to my life. “I had a partial academic scholarship and a spot on a Division III team. I was going to have to take out an obscene amount in student loans to cover what my scholarship didn’t. Not to mention I was giving up any hope I might have still been holding on to of ever going pro. I’ve got a real shot if I go to Seattle. It’s a DI school, and Coach Greer is coaching there now. Thanks to Playa Community’s coach advocating for me, Cascade University gave me a full ride and rushed my acceptance through.
“I know I’ve been wrapped up in Tessa, and haven’t been around much lately, but it’s nothing the rest of you haven’t done when you first started your relationships. Trust me, I’ve been the odd man out for a while now. I’d have thought my best friend would be happy for me that Tessa and I are finally getting shit right this time.”
“He will be, as soon as he removes his head from his ass,” Ted speaks up for the first time.
He stands up and hugs Tessa. “I’m glad everything is working out for the two of you. If he steps out of line, let me know. Luce and I will set him straight.”
Lucien smiles, and it sends a chill down my spine. “Why not, I still owe him for sleeping with my sister.”
Tessa takes a step back and pats Ted on the arm. “I don’t know what to think about you sometimes now that I know you’re not the nerdy guy I met. I don’t think I’m going to need that kind of help anyway. I’m pretty certain Ford and I have got it together this time. No more drawn-out misunderstandings and unnecessary breakups.”
Lucien shrugs. “That’s probably for the best. My therapist says I need to try to control my violent impulses. Punching Ford probably qualifies as a violent impulse.”
“Ya think?” I say sarcastically. “Since when are you in therapy?”
“Since some dickwad called Amber a whore for having two boyfriends right as I was picking her up,” Lucien says.
“That’s it?” There’s no way that was it.
“Tell him the rest,” Ted says with a grin.
Lucien rolls his eyes. “It was one punch. How was I supposed to know the fucker’s jaw was practically made of glass? His jaw is only going to be wired shut for a month.”
“Bet you’re really sad you’re going to miss all of this,” Raven says while sweeping her hand out.
“Yeah actually, I will, but it’s not like we’re going to lose your numbers when we move. You’re all still family. That won’t change just because our zip code does,” I reply.
* * *
Almost everyone takesoff shortly after my argument with Shane. I’m not sure if they’re still going to the beach, but I know that I’m not up for being in the same place as my best friend right now. I’m not even sure I can still call him that, or that I want to.
Tessa disappeared into her room when everyone left, and I know her well enough to know she needs a moment to herself. It gives me some space to take care of something else I’ve been putting off for too long.
Stepping out onto the porch, I take my phone out of my pocket. I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve spoken to my mother since the night my father put me in the hospital. I don’t owe her anything, but I deserve a clear conscience when I leave here.
“Ford? Honey, is something wrong?” my mom says instead of hello.
“Does something have to be wrong for me to call you?”
“No, but you never call, so I assumed—I’m sorry. Let me start again. How are you, honey?” she asks.
“I’m doing good. Really good, actually. Tessa and I are back together.” I’m not sure why I feel the need to make small talk with her.
“Are you happy?” she asks, and there’s no hidden agenda I can detect. She might be neglectful and often operating in survival mode, but she isn’t purposefully cruel.
“I am. I love her.”
“Then hold on tight and never let go. So, you’re graduating soon with your AA, right? What do you have planned next?” she changes the subject.
“That’s actually why I’m calling. I’ve gotten a scholarship to Cascade University in Seattle. My high school coach is the head football coach there, and he wants me to be the starting quarterback. Tessa and I are moving right after graduation.”
“Am I going to get to see you before you leave?” Her voice is quiet, and I barely hear her.
“I’m surprised you want to. It’s not like we spend a lot of time together. I haven’t seen you once in the last couple of years,” I point out.
“I know, and I’m sorry. You have always deserved better. I’ve failed you in so many ways, but at least let me take you and Tessa to dinner before you leave. Not to make up for anything, I know nothing I say or do can do that, but maybe we can start over from here?” she asks, with a hopeful note in her voice.
I want to be able to reassure her that we can start over. When I was a kid I’d have moved mountains to make her happy. Seeing my mom smile was rare, and I did everything I could to bring one out. She’s never made me a priority the way I always have her. Tessa has a new mantra, “learn to love the things that are good for you.” I’ll always love my mom, but I need to love myself more because she never will.
“I’ll check with Tess. I can’t promise she’ll be comfortable with it. It’ll just be you, right?” I check.
“I won’t even tell Wendell. It’ll just be the three of us,” she promises.
“No promises, I’ll talk to her and let you know.” I end the call and stare out at the mountains. I can’t help but feel like I’ve made a giant mistake by leaving the door open for my mom, even just a crack.