Chapter 23
“I can’t believeyou convinced your instructors to let you take your tests early. You know the group is going to bitch when they find out you two snuck out in the middle of the night,” Raven says and leans against my truck as I load the last of Tessa’s boxes in the back.
We are pretty much sneaking out. Yeah, we used the excuse that we wanted to get an early start, but we also didn’t tell anyone besides Raven and Sin that we were leaving this morning.
“Well, have fun with that. We both know it won’t be the whole group though. Ted never really cares about anything that doesn’t directly involve him. Your brother is hardly going to care. No, the only one who is going to be upset is Shane, and right now I don’t give a shit what he thinks.”
Raven pushes off my truck. “He’s your best friend. I know you’re mad at him now. I get it, he was a dick to Tessa, but she doesn’t want you to cut him out of your life. Don’t put that on her.”
“I thought you were my best friend,” I tease her.
“You would joke right now,” she says and rolls her eyes. “I’m being serious though. Tessa beats herself up enough, she doesn’t need extra ammo.”
I look her directly in her freaky blue eyes and say, “It’s my job to protect her. He doesn’t get to treat her like shit and still call himself my best friend. I can’t blame him for how I treated her, that’s all on me. What I am upset about is that she called him for help. He answered her, and hung up.”
My throat grows thick when I think about how everything Tessa suffered through could have been prevented. That she reached out for help and I wasn’t there for her kills me, but knowing that she actually got him on the phone and he cut her off is like dying twice. The fact that he doesn’t even realize why he needs to apologize to her blows my mind. He’s just not the guy I thought I was friends with, and it has nothing to do with Tessa. Yeah, it’s about how he’s treating her, but nothing that she’s done.
The fact is, I always knew Shane could be a bit of an ass, but I always thought he had my back. For me, that means taking care of the people who are important to me. The way he dismisses her importance in my life shows me he doesn’t understand me anymore. How can he claim to be my best friend if he isn’t even aware of what matters most to me?
Tessa and Sin come out of the house. She’s carrying an overnight bag, and he has a cooler packed with food for the road. He puts it in the back seat of my truck, and shakes his head at Raven and I. “Why is it every time I turn around, I find you huddled up in conversation with my wife?” Sin teases us.
“Every time I look, you’re conspiring with my girlfriend, so I guess that makes us even,” I reply.
Sin nudges Tessa with his elbow. “Do you hear that? We’re conspirators.”
“I’m pretty sure we were granted immunity,” Tessa teases back.
“Boring,” Sin sighs. “We’re going to have to shake things up soon. I need a target every once in a while. I’m at risk of losing my edge.”
Raven moves over to him and cuddles up under his arm. “I don’t think we need to look for reasons for you to go into assassin mode.”
Sin looks at Tessa, and it seems like an entire conversation passes between them with just one look. This is the second time I’ve detected he knows something about her that I don’t. The thing is I’m not even mad that he’s keeping a secret for her, because that’s what a good friend should do, and Tessa needs more of those.
“Alright, Vixen, we need to get on the road.” I hold open the passenger door for her and help her climb up into my truck.
“We’ll see you in about a week,” Sin says as I move around the front of the truck.
They are going to drive Tessa’s Honda up after their finals are over. Sin has some family in the area he hasn’t spent much time with, so they volunteered to make the trip so Tessa and I didn’t have to ride separately on this drive.
I turn the key, and my truck roars to life. I’m not sure how practical this beast is going to be in the hilly terrain and miserable traffic of Seattle, but all of our stuff fits in the bed. At least all of the stuff we are bringing with us. We are going to need some furniture, but Josephine, Tessa’s mom, offered to give us some things she no longer wants.
As much as I hate being someone’s charity case, I can’t deny Tessa’s mom a chance to act like a mom. All those years Tess thought her mom abandoned her, only to find out Wendell forced her mom to leave. It just reinforces my belief that there is more than one kind of evil in the world. Wendell James definitely belongs in the running for worst father, right up there with mine and Damien Blackthorne.
Before Tessa, I swore up and down that I’d never have kids. I didn’t want to risk repeating the cycle I witnessed growing up. The only thing I could imagine worse than surviving that kind of abuse would be to turn into someone who could perpetuate it. But, if that was my only example of fatherhood, how could I expect to do any better?
I look over at her as she stares silently out the passenger window. The sun is just coming up over the mountains, and casting a rosy glow on her porcelain skin. For this girl, I know I could move those mountains if she needed me to. With her by my side, I know I can be a good father. After all, if she loves me, there must be something redeemable about me. Something not tainted by the stain of the Park and the abuse and neglect of my parents.
She is not less than because her father tossed her aside like a broken toy when she no longer served his needs in impressing his business partners. We have both overcome a lot, and we have a lot to give. Maybe we’ll be better parents someday because of what we’ve survived not despite it. One thing is for sure, we know what not to do.
“What are you thinking about so hard?” she asks, startling me.
Her voice has that rough quality you get when you are first waking up. It makes me think of sex, which brings me right back around to my previous line of thought. I try and think of something else to tell her, because if she knows how often I’ve been thinking lately of marriage and kids she might freak out for real and run away again.
Not saying anything though does not have a reassuring effect on her. “Is it that bad? Are you regretting coming with me?” She starts to panic.
I take a deep breath and reach for her hand. “No, nothing like that. I’ll tell you, but I want you to promise not to freak out.”
“You know when someone makes you promise not to freak out, the first thing it makes you want to do is freak out, right?”
I squeeze her hand, and she lets me continue. “I was just thinking about what it is going to be like when we have kids.”
Tessa coughs. “I’m sorry. Did you say kids?”
I take a quick glance at her. She’s staring at me with wide eyes, and just like I feared she’s halfway to freaking out. “Do you not ever think about it?”
“I mean, I haven’t for a while. I wasn’t ever sure we’d be back together. Now we are, and everything keeps happening so fast. I’m still trying to come to terms with everything I’ve been through, and in your mind, I’m already knocked up?”
My lips twitch. “Not right away. I would like to be married first, and graduated from college, or at least signed to a professional team if I get drafted early. But, if something were to happen earlier than we plan, I won’t be upset about it.”
I shift my eyes quickly to look at her and focus back on the road. Her mouth is hanging open, and she’s looking at me with a mixture of shock and wonder.
“You really aren’t going anywhere, are you?”
I turn my hand over so that her fingers can lace through mine. “Now you’re starting to figure it out.”
We pass a wooden sign for a national forest. Tessa turns to follow it, before returning her attention to me. “There’s a turn in a mile for a campground and hiking trail. Can you pull off for a minute?”
This is a long drive, and unscheduled stops will only make it longer, but I’m not in the habit of refusing her what she wants. She so rarely asks for anything anyway. I turn on my blinker and pull into an empty parking lot.
Tessa reaches into the back seat and grabs a blanket I have back there we’ve used for a picnic. She grabs the handle and says, “Take a walk with me.”
Of course, I get out and take her hand. “You know I’ll follow you anywhere.”
We walk into the trees and find a secluded spot. It’s too perfect for her to have found on accident. We’re several hours outside of Playa, which makes it unlikely this is a spot she’s frequented. Still, she’s walking with purpose, as if she knows exactly where she’s leading me.
“Why do I get the feeling you’ve been here before?” I ask her.
She lays down the blanket on a thick carpet of grass, sits down, and pats the grass next to her. Instead of sitting next to her, I move behind her, and pull her against my chest. She leans her head back, and I move her hair out of her face.
Tessa takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. I can almost feel the pain she feels as the memory comes back to her.
“On the ride down here, Tracy and I were in my Honda. I held it together pretty well, until we were about a few miles north of here. I started hyperventilating. I wasn’t the one driving at the time, but Tracy knew I needed a break, so she pulled over. We found this campground and walked around for a while. I ended up in this spot, and I just sat here for over an hour while I tried to get my head together.”
“That doesn’t sound like a very good memory. Why would you want to bring me back here?” I ask her.
She shrugs one shoulder. “Because I’m learning that letting someone in means the good and the bad. I can’t pretend that every memory I have of us is a happy one. A lot of the time when I look back at our relationship, it hurts.”
Tessa turns her head to stare off at the trees with the mountains looming beyond them. “We’re riding off together. After all the shit we’ve been through we’ve come through the other side, but this doesn’t feel like a happily ever after.”
My heart skips a beat, and for a second my chest is so tight I’m afraid I won’t be able to breathe. “What are you saying?” I croak.
She turns around, and I’m sure she sees the look of panic on my face. Her hands come up and hold my face. “No. I’m so sorry.” She crawls onto my lap and straddles me. “I’m saying, it feels like we still have a ways to go, doesn’t it? Normally, if this were a book or a movie, this would be the end. Roll credits. Boy gets the girl, everything will be rainbows and unicorns from here on out.”
I exhale, and wrap my arms around her back. “You scared the shit out of me, Vixen. Yeah, I got the girl, but I have not yet come close to making up for all the shit I’ve put you through. I don’t know if I can ever make up for all of it, but I think every day it’ll get a bit better.”
She smiles a sad looking smile. “You don’t really believe that, do you? We’re going to have bad days. I guess, it’s that we’ve only been having good days since we got back together, I’m afraid of what will happen when a bad one comes along.”
What would I do, she means. Would I push her away? Punish her for things she doesn’t know about, understand, or even have anything to do with? I’d like to think I’ve grown up enough to leave that childish behavior behind.
“I can tell you it’s going to be different, but I’m afraid my words don’t hold much weight when it comes to this,” I begin.
“You make it sound like I don’t trust you. I do—” I place my finger over her lips.
“I know you do, but I also have to face the fact that I’ve hurt you too many times for you to take my word for it. I’m going to have to prove myself to you. I understand and I’m up for proving to you that you can depend on me this time. Is this why you brought me back here?” Not that this spot isn’t beautiful, but we could have had this conversation in the truck.
She scrunches up her nose. “Not exactly.”
“Then what is going on?” I’m genuinely confused about why she’d want to stop at a campground this early into the trip. The plan is to try and make it to her mom’s house by tonight.
Tessa rolls her hips over where she’s straddling me. I grab her hips to hold her steady, but I only manage to pull her down harder against my suddenly very interested dick.
“Baby, unless you want to get fucked in the forest, you need to stop,” I warn her.
She leans forward and licks the shell of my ear before whispering, “That’s exactly what I was hoping you’d say.”
To demonstrate her determination, she grabs the hem of her T-shirt and pulls it over her head. The chilly air makes her skin break out in goosebumps, and I can see her nipples tighten to tight points through the lace of her bra.
I uselessly rub my hands up and down her back as if that will warm up her entire body. “You’re going to catch a cold.”
“So warm me up,” she says in a raspy whisper.
I’m only so strong. Taking fistfuls of her hair, I take her mouth in an almost brutal kiss. I let go of all the fear I felt thinking she took me out here to break up with me, and give into my bottomless well of desire for her.
Her hands claw at my shirt, and I stop kissing her long enough to let her pull it over my head. Then I can feel her skin against mine. She reaches behind her back and unhooks her bra, removing the final barrier between us. Nothing else exists for me when I’m holding her. I’m not even sure I’m capable of thought.
If I were, I probably wouldn’t lean forward and pin her underneath me. Tessa’s nails bite into my shoulders, and I nearly leap off of her, but she wraps her legs around my waist keeping me close.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking?—”
This time it’s her turn to interrupt. She leans forward and presses her lips against mine. “I’m okay. You just startled me.”
“Are you sure? We don’t have to do this,” I argue.
“Oh yes we do,” she blurts out. “My mom is back in the States and at home. She’s going to be waiting up for us when we get there. By the time she finally lets us go to bed, I’ll be too tired to even think about sex.”
“Then what do you want?” I ask. I do like to take control, but I really got off seeing her own her sexuality. Maybe I like to mix it up more than I thought.
Tessa pushes on my shoulder, and I take the hint and roll onto my back. She takes her time kissing down my body. Her hands move to the fly of my jeans and start working on the button. Once she gets to my navel, she’s lowering the zipper. It’s like a striptease, only I’m the one being stripped. She’s still doing all of the teasing though.
I toe off my shoes and help her as she pushes my jeans down, over my ass, leaving me in nothing except for an overly tight pair of boxer briefs. They fit when she hasn’t enticed all of the blood in my body to settle into my cock.
“Those look very uncomfortable,” she comments, while her hand strokes up and down my length through the fabric.
“That’s because they are,” I say through gritted teeth. It’s taking an enormous effort not to pin her down and fuck her senseless right now.
Her hands slip under the band, and she eases the constricting material away. I toss my head back, the muscles in my neck strain with a long groan as she slips the head of my cock into her mouth. I’m nearly undone by the heat of her mouth as she sucks me in, the pressure of her tongue as she works it around the tip every time she pulls back. I have to grit my teeth to stop from nutting when I feel the silky heat of the back of her throat when she plunges my length back in.
I can’t help but watch as she takes me in over and over. The most erotic thing about the entire experience is the look on her face. This isn’t something she’s doing out of obligation, or because she thinks she needs to do this to keep me happy. Tessa is actually getting turned on by this.
“Tessa,” I say through the heavy breaths escaping me. “Tess,” I try again.
I wrap her hair around my fist and pull her head back.
“Why did you stop me?” she says, almost pouting.
“Because I want to be inside of you. We don’t have time to wait for me to rally to come twice.”
The corner of her mouth twitches. “If you insist.”
“You’re such a brat,” I tease her. “You were getting off sucking my dick, weren’t you?”
She noncommittally shrugs one shoulder.
“Not going to answer me?” I play along. “I can find out for myself.”
I help her out of the rest of her clothes, and slide my hand between her legs. I knew she liked touching me, but I assumed I’d have to spend some time getting her ready before she could take me. I certainly wasn’t expecting to find her soaked. Two of my fingers slide inside of her easily.
“Please,” she begs.
I grab the base of my cock, and guide it to her entrance, then I slowly push inside of her. Her legs come up and wrap around my waist, and I frame her head with my arms. Despite my threat to fuck her in the forest, I take my time.
We kiss leisurely as I stroke in and out of her. Even as my electricity pulses through my body, and a million tiny explosions are bursting threatening to send me over the edge, I hold back. Even when I feel her breathing pick up, and her inner walls start to flutter around my cock, I refuse to speed up.
I don’t think I can make up for all of the time we’ve missed right here, but there’s a part of me that wants to be with her just like this forever. I’m not thinking about the end, or how I feel being inside of her.
It feels fucking incredible, but it’s so much more than that. It’s the way her eyes hold mine, and she’s not trying to hide anything from me anymore. It’s not all pretty, but it’s all real. The love and the pain she feels pour out of her. Someday I hope she can feel the former without being reminded of the latter, but right now she struggles to separate them, which just makes her seem really fucking brave to me.
“I don’t deserve you, but I’m going to. I promise I am going to be who you need,” I say against her mouth.
“You already are. You’ve always been who I need,” she replies and kisses me.
As much as we want things to last forever, not everything is meant to. In this case, that’s not horrible. Hearing her tell me I’m who she needs sets off something wild in me, and I unleash all of the pent-up passion and longing I’ve held in. This time when her nails dig into my skin it’s not out of fear.