Chapter 31
Shane thoughtit would be a good idea for all of us to surprise Ford by coming to the game, even though Ford still hasn’t played yet this season. Lucien, Teddy, and Amber aren’t able to make it, but the rest of us managed to snag tickets close to the fifty-yard line. Shane said he had someone who owed him a favor, but I’m not even sure Ford could have gotten us tickets this good if he were starting. I think he’s looking for a way to make up with both of us, and I know Ford misses him. As long as he’s willing to try, I should be willing to do the same.
When we show up at the game the ticket agent steps away and gets on the radio as soon as she scans our tickets. Raven looks confused. “That was weird, right?”
Shane, Jen, and I turn our attention to Sin. He holds his hands up. “I haven’t done anything violent in months.”
“I don’t have a good feeling about this,” I say. Ever since Ford left early this morning, little bubbles of anxiety have been percolating through my body. I’m practically effervescent with tension at this point.
We’re left waiting for a couple of minutes before someone with a Cascade University windbreaker heads our way. When he gets closer I notice over the right breast it says, “Mitch Arnold, Athletic Director.”
I paste a fake smile on my face and speak without moving my lips, “Incoming. Don’t trust him.”
Sin snorts. “I never trust anybody.”
He grunts, and I catch Raven elbow him in the side. “You’re not just anybody, Princess.”
We all stop talking when he gets close to us. “I had to come out when I was alerted you came. We knew one of our players was from here, so we made sure to flag if any family showed up to the game. Tessa James, you’re Ford’s sister, right?”
My jaw clenches, but before I can speak, Shane puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Technically she’s his stepsister, but her dad married his mom after they were already together. She’s actually his fiancée.”
My eyes open wide, and I look at him questioningly. Shane bends down and whispers in my ear, “I was guessing, but the look on your face is all the confirmation I need.”
“Let him tell you later,” I beg. He gives me a barely perceptible nod of his head.
Mitch feigns a look of confusion. “Oh, well, uhm, let me show you to your seats. I took the liberty of having you moved to the owner’s box. We’d had high hopes for Ford when he committed to Cascade U, but Coach Greer tells me he’s not ready to take the field yet. Hopefully, that changes soon.”
I got the message he was trying not to say overtly. As long as I am in the picture, Ford will be on the sidelines. I can’t help but wonder if this is a set up, and if it is, how Mitch knew I would be here. The steady pressure of Shane’s hand on my shoulder helps to remind me that I’m not facing whatever is coming alone.
The five of us huddle together in the front row of the booth. There’s a group of girls I’ve seen around campus, always following Ford and his teammates around. It doesn’t even matter to them that he hasn’t had a minute of playing time. Contrary to what the idiots in the athletic department seem to think, those women don’t give a shit that he’s in a serious relationship. They didn’t care back in high school, at Playa Community College, and I don’t see Cascade U being any different.
Shane leans over and whispers, “They’re talking about you.”
“Like their makeup, clothes, and dye job, it’s pretty obvious,” I mumble.
The three girls strut over in their heels. I shake my head. Who wears heels and short skirts to a football game? It’s not like the players can even see them from way up here. They probably expect to be given access to the players after the game, which means there’s some kind of quid pro quo happening here.
Sin and I exchange a look. He leans across Shane and says, “I’m picking up on a little tit for tat.”
Shane rolls his eyes. “Probably a lot of tit.”
One of the girls, I think her name is Kylie, moves so the three of them are sitting close by, but not right next to us. I think she believes she’s being subtle, but her efforts to gain our attention are so obvious I’m really hoping she’s not a theater major. If she is then she’s got a lifetime of waitressing to look forward to.
She tosses her hair over her shoulder, and glances over to make sure I’m watching. “It’s really too bad they don’t put him on the field. I’m telling you, Ford Shaw has a lot of stamina. A. Lot. If you know what I mean.” She giggles for effect.
I roll my eyes. So this is the plan? I guess Kendall and Ford managed to get back into the hotel and join the team for breakfast without anyone on the coaching staff realizing they were gone all last night.
I don’t react at first. Shane was at the cabin, so he doesn’t know that Ford and I spent the night at Sin and Raven’s house. The look of concern erases any lingering animosity I still had for him. The three women continue to prattle on about Ford’s sexual prowess, as if they actually know, and I don’t have to fake the stricken look on my face. All I need to do is remember back to all the times I’ve been in this situation and I didn’t know they were lying.
Shane takes hold of my hands, and gives me a very concerned look. “Ford would never cheat on you. I don’t know exactly what is going on here because I’ve been an asshole, but I can promise you he’d never do anything that would risk losing you.”
I sniffle dramatically, and turn to Raven. She wraps her arms around me while I pretend to cry into her shoulder. In between fake sobs, I whisper, “Is she buying it?”
“Yes,” she confirms, “let’s get you out of here.”
We all get up and start to head out of the owner’s box. Mitch doesn’t seem surprised to see us leaving, but he keeps up the ruse of the concerned college official. “Hey, are you okay? We don’t want you to miss the game. I just got word that Ford is going to start.”
Before I lift my head up, I make a show out of wiping my eyes. If I’m going to sell this, I have to make him believe I was crying, and I know I am not an actress. I sniffle again for effect. “I don’t really care what he does. Not anymore.”
Turning to my friends I say loud enough for Mitch to overhear, “Take me home. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
Raven guides me out the door, and down the hall. Shane rushes after us, but Sin holds him back until we’re far enough away. Once we round the corner Shane grabs my arms and turns me around. But the moment his hands land on me I’m not at the stadium anymore. It’s not Shane, but Jesse or one of a dozen or more men that came through that house. I see nothing, hear nothing, and fight like I wanted to then.
Then his hands are gone, and I hear a voice repeating over and over, “You’re okay, just breathe. You’re okay, breathe. Breathe, Tessa.”
I suck in a breath, and realize I’d been holding it. Slowly the fog starts to clear, and I see that my friends have created a wall around me to give me some privacy.
Raven smiles. “You’re back. I haven’t had to do that in a while.” She looks at Sin, then back at me. “I’ve had some practice at helping someone through a panic attack.”
“I’m going to go swap our tickets with another group. That douchebag AD knows where we were supposed to sit, unless you’d really like to go home?” Sin asks.
I swallow and try to slow down my still racing heart beat. “No, if he’s going to play, I want to see him.”
It doesn’t take him long before he’s back. “Our new seats aren’t that great, but we’ll be able to see the field.”
The five of us take our seats, and I sit back and watch Ford take the field for the first time this season. There”s a new energy among the players as he joins the offensive line. From the moment he snaps the ball the other team doesn”t know how to respond. This isn”t the Rams that they were expecting. Ford is literally a game changer. Watching him command his team fills me with pride, but also with shame, knowing I am the reason he has been kept from this position so far.
Mitch made it clear, Coach Greer might have said it was because they want him to appear single, but the truth is they don”t like the appearance of him in a relationship with his stepsister. It doesn”t matter that we”ve never seen each other as siblings, the only thing that matters is that the rest of the world will always look at us and see us as some kind of pseudo family.
I try and cheer with our friends each time he gains ground or they make a touchdown, but the better he does the more quiet I get. The truth is, this is my worst fear. I”ve always suspected that being with me will take opportunities from him. He says that I am what”s most important to him, but how can that be true?
I can”t even make it through one day without a completely normal interaction sending me into a complete spiral of panic. A normal person would have stopped and talked to Shane when he put his hands on her shoulders. Not me. I froze, and had to be talked down like some kind of wounded animal.
Here”s Ford, dominating the football field and bringing his struggling team back from the brink of a disastrous season in one afternoon, and I can”t even watch the game without having a meltdown. Why is it that everyone else can see that he”s better off without me and not him? How selfish do I have to be to hold onto him when I can see everything he”s giving up for me?
The answer is really fucking selfish. We’re past the point where I can live without him. I know that, but that doesn’t mean he needs to be punished because he’s with me. There has to be a middle ground.
I don”t know what the answer is. I do know that I promised him I would not run again. I fake a smile, and try to look happy, even though inside I feel like I”m dying. It isn”t fair for me to bring down the rest of the afternoon. Ford should be celebrated for this achievement. I”m proud of him, it’s just that I”m afraid after watching this I have to let him go, or at least appear to.
When the game is over, I try and convince everyone that we should just slip out of the stadium and not try to see Ford. Shane won”t have it though. He hasn”t seen Ford this trip, and doesn”t want to leave without at least saying hi.
Of course, Mitch must have suspected that we hadn”t left, and is hanging around the hallway to catch a confrontation between myself and Ford. I just don”t have it in me to put on an act right now. It probably seems like I”m depressed because I think my boyfriend is cheating on me, exactly what he wants me to think, but in reality I”m upset because I know there”s always going to be someone judging Ford because of our parents’ marriage.
College isn’t even under as big of a microscope as professional football. I am sure if it”s a big deal now, there will be teams that won”t even consider signing him because of it. Maybe this really isn”t our time. We”ve waited this long, maybe in a few more years, once he”s had a shot at a professional career, then we can be together out in the open. Being with me shouldn”t take away from his life. That”s not how it’s supposed to work. I will have to put an end to any thoughts of traveling with him, and there may be times he will have to take other women to events, but I believe we can make this work.
I”m not sure how long we wait in the hallway. I”m too mentally numb to keep track of time. When he does come out, the girls from the owner’s box are there. Now they look nervous, especially Kylie. She likely has no idea that I already know she”s lying. Whatever arrangement she has with Director Daniels seems to be dependent on me believing she”s had a fling with Ford. I”m not thinking clearly enough right now to call her on this bullshit, not without talking to Ford first. On my list of priorities, she doesn”t even make the cut.
I can see the exuberance on his face as he exits the locker room. He was always high on adrenaline after a game in high school. It”s been a while since I”ve seen him play. I forgot how much he lights up after he”s won a game. It further cements my resolution to do what is best for him. I know he won”t be happy with me about it. I do know he cares for me, loves me even, but I love him too much to let him sacrifice everything for me.
He zeros in on my face and his smile falls. He rushes straight over to me. There are people in the hallway, calling out his name, and he ignores all of them. “Vixen, what”s wrong?”
“One of the jersey chasers told her that you guys hooked up last night. That”s probably what”s wrong with her,” Shane explains for me.
In all of the excitement and switching seats, then with the game starting, we somehow neglected to explain to Shane why we were sure that Kylie and her friends were lying.
Ford knows that I couldn”t possibly suspect him of cheating on me last night, which means something else is wrong. Predictably, he is not going to let go until he gets to the bottom of it.
“Tessa, baby, you know I didn”t do anything with her last night or any other night. What is really bothering you?”
My voice wobbles as I tell him, “You were really great out there. That”s where you belong, you know? The Director found us in line, and made sure I overheard Kylie talk about hooking up with you. He thinks I”m upset that you”re cheating on me.”
He inhales slowly, his nostrils flaring. “Which explains why Coach Greer finally put me on the field. Son of a bitch tried to give me some story about Jefferson”s grades being down or some shit. That kid might suck ass on the field, but his grades are as good as mine. I think they knew that I wasn”t going to blink first so they went on to Plan B. I”ve been expecting them to do something.”
Ford grabs my hands and gives them a slight shake. “Why don”t you look more relieved?”
“Because this has nothing to do with them wanting you to appear single. I don”t think they care if you”re in a relationship, they just don”t want you in a relationship with your stepsister. That is bad for PR. You know what, I”m sure that pro teams are going to think the same way. Yeah they”re dicks, but just because we know that we didn”t grow up together, and that we were together first doesn’t mean shit. Nobody else is going to see things that way, and they’re not going to take the time to find out either. Being with me is going to hold you back.”
“Stop it,” he commands.
I waved my arm toward the field. “What you did out there was like art. Every member of this team is depending on you.”
“And I will walk away in an instant. If you so much as think about sacrificing our relationship in some misguided attempt to try and save my future of playing a fucking game, I”ll give it up. You might not even come back to me, and I will still walk away. You promised me, no more running.”
A tear slips down my cheek. “Don”t you see? All I do is ruin things for you. But you’re right, I’m not strong enough to let you go. Not anymore. But, I can be your secret.”
“Like fuck you can. I’m done letting others dictate what kind of relationship we have. You aren’t running from me, and I will not hide you like you’re some dirty secret I’m ashamed of,” Ford grits out.
Shane comes up next to us. “Tessa, since the moment you strutted your spoiled ass in front of his truck demanding he do something about his mom he’s been yours. Growing up in the Park you meet a lot of kids with daddies that are men with families living in the suburbs. If you’re asking him to keep you a secret so he can play a game, you are underestimating how much more he cares for you. I’m sorry I haven’t been more supportive.”
Ford cradles the side of my face. “You swore to me that we would find solutions together, and you wouldn’t leave me again. Not even if you thought it was what was best for me. If I can’t love you openly, it will feel a lot like when we were lying to ourselves and trying to fuck without feelings. I don’t want half a life with you. I want all of it, and I’m not going to sneak around and pretend in front of the world that you aren’t the center of mine.”
I dare myself to be brave and look up into his hazel eyes. There”s so much conviction in them. “You’re right. I just?—”
He kisses my forehead and holds me against his chest. I can feel his heart racing against my cheek. “We both have a lot of trauma to untangle, and we will. I’ll tell you every day that you are my priority if you need to hear it. This game is just that, a game. I’m not going to piss away forever for something kids do for fun. I want our fifty or sixty years together. I want kids and grandkids. The ups and downs, I want all of it, and I’m not going to miss a lifetime with you over a few years with a ball.”
A red-faced Coach Greer storms over to us. “What is going on over here? I believe I”ve made our position very clear, have I not, Ford? If you are confused, I believe there are pictures and video that I can show Miss James here. If you won”t correct the situation, I”m willing to bet she has enough pride to do it for you.”
Ford drapes his arm around my shoulders. “What are you talking about? What pictures? Video of what?”
The athletic director pushes his way through the crowd, but I do notice a few of the boosters tagging along. “Jake, perhaps now is not the best time or place to be having this conversation,” Mitch says.
Ford has always been very intuitive, studying psychology, has only sharpened these skills. He crosses his arms. A movement Sin and Shane do not miss, and they take up position on either side of him. Being the alphaholes that they are, Raven, Jen, and I are guided behind them.
The three of us share a look, and Jen asks, “Do you think we’re ever going to be able to go out in public without some kind of confrontation?”