Chapter 59
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
My head is pounding so hard as I stumble into Gage’s house.
Oh my god, why did I drink so much?
I know I embarrassed myself last night. I don’t remember everything exactly; I just have pictures in my head. Gage with his hand on Raven’s thigh. Gage jumping to make her comfortable. Rich looking like a smug motherfucker. I definitely puked my guts out.
I’m hungover as fuck, and I know I’m not welcome here, but I couldn’t spend another minute in that house. Not in that bedroom. I begged Mom to drop me off here.
I know I’ll get hatred and disdain from Raven and Gage.
But hey, they can’t hate me more than I hate myself.
Gotta look at the bright side.
There’s a bolt of movement down the hall, and I’d bet anything it’s Raven. I grin, even though I don’t feel happy. “Did I interrupt something?”
Gage is silent.
I let the fake smile fall away, too tired to keep it up. I stink, my head is screaming, and I need to sleep for fucking… forever, probably.
“Love you too.” I blow him a kiss, then stumble down the hall. I’m tempted to crash in Raven’s room, but I just don’t have the energy for that fight right now. Instead, I find my way to the other spare room by the laundry and pass out.
When I wake up, I first realize how dry my mouth is and how bad I stink.
Fuck. What fucking day is it?
It seems light outside, and after I stumble to the bathroom to guzzle water from the faucet, I find myself unsettled.
I definitely embarrassed myself last night. Last night? Two days ago? Fuck, I remember the anger hitting me so hard I shook. Then Gage was helping me.
I want to go back to being unconscious.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. I smell like shit. I stalk to the laundry room to see if Gage has any clean clothes in the washer, and as I do, I bump into someone. Someone small that smells like men’s shampoo.
Involuntarily, I suck in a breath.
“Watch where you’re going,” Raven’s voice curls around me with a familiar bitterness.
I love that bitterness. Lean into it. At least it’s not apathy.
I raise my hands. “Would it be the wrong time to say I can’t ‘watch’ anything?”
I don’t have my glasses. I don’t know where they went. I toss Raven my signature smile, although I don’t feel it in my soul.
“Whatever, Garret.” Then, she tries to shove past me.
There’s a flicker of something in my chest. I snap my hand out at her, and I grab her arm. It’s small and delicate. “What did you just call me?”
“Get the fuck off me!” Raven writhes in my grip. “Don’t think I won’t hit you in the balls too.”
I let go of her writhing form but stay in the doorway. “What?”
She’s seething, and I can tell she moves away from me. “I hit Rich in the nuts with my bat, and I’ll do the same to you.”
A flash of something like… relief rolls through me, and I bark out a laugh. Raven hit Rich in the nuts? Oh god. The image is a dream. The laughter takes over and becomes somewhat of a manic thing, making me laugh until my stomach hurts.
God. Her hatred is intoxicating. It breathes a tiny bit of life into my dead soul. I kinda want to kiss her.
No. I really want to kiss her.
“Get the fuck out of the way,” Raven demands.
Right. I’m still in the doorway.
I think about making a show of keeping her here. Flirting with her just to see her anger boil over. But then I just… stop.
I’m too tired for that shit. Plus, for an odd reason I can’t explain, the thought of pissing Raven off right now makes me feel… guilty.
Fucking alcohol. I need to stop drinking. Such a fucking buzzkill.
I take a step back, and when Raven storms past me, the guilt churns in my stomach, and I mutter, “Sorry about the animal crackers. I found them on your doorstep.”
I sense Raven freeze for a second. Then, she’s gone, disappearing down the hall.
Oh yeah. Definitely need to stop drinking. Who the hell did I just become? Gage?
Shaking myself out of it, I change, realizing that my stomach is growling, and I move to the kitchen for a snack. Once my head is in the fridge, I hear dishes clinking. I glance over to see a form that’s larger than Raven’s standing there.
I groan, “Cool. First tongue lashing by Tweedledee out of the way, now it’s time for Tweedledum.”
Only Gage doesn’t say anything. I stand there, waiting, but still nothing.
I arch an eyebrow. “Thanks for telling Raven my name, by the way. Real big brother of you.”
Gage doesn’t say anything, and I imagine that pinched look on his face. I shake my head, returning to the fridge and popping open a soda can, guzzling it down.
“Axel…”
There’s something off about Gage’s tone, and I stiffen. He sounds… torn.
“If I punched you last night, I’m not sorry.” I feel for the container of yogurt I know is in here, but suddenly, I’m not hungry anymore. “I’m sure you deserved it.”
Gage still doesn't say anything. Then, he asks, “What the hell happened with Rich?”
Rich? Nothing happened with Rich besides him sitting on the couch like an asshole. Oh, and Raven hitting him in the nuts.
I snort. “Raven and that bat are deadly. It’s only a matter of time before your nuts are next.”
“What?” Gage sounds genuinely confused for a second.
“You know. Raven. Rich. Bat. Nuts.”
“What in the fuck are you–” Gage pauses. “Wait, no. That’s not what I was talking about.”
So what in the hell–
Oh god. Oh… Oh fuck. My stomach sinks. He can’t know about that, right? I didn’t tell him. No way I’d tell him something like that. Right?
I grab the closest thing in the fridge and then shut the door. “Just needed a snack; see ya.”
“Axel.”
It’s the pity in his voice that makes my stomach sink.
He knows.
“That’s lemon juice.”
I pause, feeling the item in my hand. I pop the top, and a puff of lemon-scented air escapes. Embarrassment heats my cheeks. I never knew how to tell Gage about everything. Even thinking about it makes shame heat my cheeks. Immediately, I shake it off.
“Axel I–”
I hold up my hand, still facing away from him. “Don’t do the pity thing, Gage. I don’t need your pity.”
Silence.
My chest hurts. I don’t want him to feel bad for me. Never have. What the hell is feeling bad going to do? It won’t change the past.
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Gage’s voice is small. Like he’s a kid again.
A rush of heartbreak, anger, and fear rushes through me. I should walk away. I should just keep walking and not even respond. But I feel that self-hatred creeping in. The part I can never truly escape washes over me.
“Why, Gage?” I whirl on him. “Because I was seven? Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t mean anything? It doesn’t change who I am, Gage. I’m still me.” The words rush out of me in a boiling-hot spew of hatred.
“Axel, I–”
“Why don’t you not make this about you for five fucking minutes!” I can’t keep the word vomit down. It’s like years of pressure are breaking down a barrier, and I’m helpless to stop it. “You know you’d be a lot more bearable if you didn’t fucking try to be so goddamn perfect all the time.”
My hands are shaking, and I’m fully ready for his rebuttal. Let him fight me. I’ve been waiting years to fucking tell him off.
Only, it doesn’t come. He says nothing, and that just makes me angrier.
“You know what? Fuck off, Gage.”
I turn to leave and stalk away.