Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO
LAUREL
I paused at my villa door, frowning down as I went over Finch’s strange conversation.
Kaos was having an episode? What the fuck did that mean?
But he had commanded me, and obeying wasn’t a choice. I opened my door and stepped inside. It was dark, and when I flicked the switch, the light didn’t turn on.
My eyes slowly adjusted to the dark as I took off my heels. Then I took a breath and followed Kaos’s sharp scent of absinthe and static.
I walked over to find him curled up on the couch, staring at the wall. He looked so different than he had this morning; his expression was completely blank, his mouth turned down at the corners.
The bond was still muted from earlier, so I couldn’t feel much from him, but what I could detect was pain.
I sat down next to him, and he shifted, empty eyes staring up at me. Or perhaps through me.
Then he laid his head back down, returning to stare at the wall.
“Kaos?” I asked, but he didn’t respond.
My heart was pounding as I went over the instructions Finch had given me.
I couldn’t do this.
I wasn’t the right person.
But Finch hadn’t left me an option.
I gently but firmly pulled Kaos to his feet, and he offered no resistance, letting me lead him to the bathroom.
He was so vulnerable right now.
Did he go with me because he trusted I wouldn’t hurt him? Or would he have gone with anyone?
I tried to flick on the light, but to my annoyance, the light here didn’t work either. It wasn’t the power, because I could see the glow of my toothbrush charging on its stand.
Pulling the emergency lamp from underneath the sink, I clicked it on, bathing the room in a dull white glow that washed the color from everything.
I turned back to where Kaos was standing, right where I left him.
My bathroom didn’t usually feel this small, but there seemed to be barely any room between me and him.
I took a deep breath. “I’m going to help you take a shower, all right?” I said, keeping my voice soft.
Finch hadn’t told me to talk to him, but it felt wrong to do any of this without words.
“I’m going to start by taking your shirt off,” I said, wondering if any part of him was absorbing my words or actions.
I tugged off his shirt, then talked him through removing his pants.
He stood there, in just his boxers, as I stood up again.
His arms were covered in intricate tattoos, stark in the lamplight.
His skin was like a work of art, though I looked away quickly.
It seemed wrong to stare at him when he was like this, as though I would be taking advantage of him.
Still, I’d be blind not to see that he was hauntingly beautiful, despite his gaunt frame.
Dark eyes, framed by long lashes. A sharp mouth and a nose that looked like it had been broken in multiple places.
My face heating, I stepped out of the bathroom and changed into a tank top and shorts.
When I returned, he had sunk to the floor, staring forward again.
“I’m back,” I said, edging around him. “I’m going to turn on the water. It’s a bit loud at first.”
I turned on the shower, the sound of water hitting the tile filling the air around us. He stared at the wall, and I stared at him until the mirror started to fog up with the steam. I checked the temperature on my arm, then kneeled in front of him.
“Kaos, the shower is nice and warm.” He stared through me. “Finch said you like warm showers. He told me to take care of you.”
I guided him to his feet and helped him step inside. He sat down on the floor, under the stream of water, hugging his knees.
I swallowed.
Finch had given me a task, so I set about washing him and lathering his hair with shampoo, then conditioner. I grabbed my brush from the counter and started running it through his long hair.
I could see the tension in his shoulders slowly relaxing as I continued until I could brush through the long strands in one solid sweep. I could feel it soothing him, and the sensation soothed me, the ache in my bond mark dulling and my scent unfurling in comfort.
Over and over, I brushed, until I could feel him returning, bit by bit. The bond, which had muted earlier, flared to life again.
I was trembling, the feeling of caring for my alpha almost overwhelming. I wanted to weep at the change; instead of being the source of his tension, I was the solution.
Calming him.
Inviting him to be present again.
I pulled us out of the shower and wrapped a towel around him. He stared at the foggy mirror, meeting his own empty eyes, stark shadows making his face seem almost alien.
“I’m a monster,” he said in a hoarse whisper, making me jump. “I tried to change so I wouldn’t see it every time I looked in the mirror, but it’s never enough.”
His fingertips reached out, brushing against the condensation on the glass. “Maybe for a second, I trick myself. But I’m still me underneath it all. A mistake. Useless. He needs me to stay sane, and I can’t…”
His voice broke on the last bit, and he looked down at his hands.
“Why can’t I just be a normal fucking person? I can’t hold it together, can’t anchor him, and I’m not enough.”
I swallowed, not sure what to say. “I’m sorry,” I stammered, and his dull eyes flicked to me in the mirror.
Rage and guilt surged through the bond, blasting through the despair and overwhelming me.
He turned and slammed me against the wall, his hand circling my throat. His face was close to mine, and a flicker of disgust crossed his features. Though he wasn’t pressing hard enough to constrict my windpipe, the panic made me gasp for air.
“You don't get to say that,” he echoed darkly. “People like you and me don’t deserve him.”
His words really shouldn’t hurt, but they struck me right in the heart.
Like he could see right into me and knew anyone I cared for died. Like he knew my whole life was a pretence, an act.
There was a pain in my chest because this was wrong; my alpha shouldn’t be oozing so much hatred toward me. My bond mark flared up again, the pain stealing the rest of my breath.
“He did it for me,” Kaos said, his voice strained. “I thought I’d escaped, but my death here was inevitable. I should have known I couldn’t cheat my fate like that. I’ve just brought more souls with me.”
A small smile flickered on his lips as he leaned closer.
“But I don’t regret claiming yours, little demon. One gift I give back to this world is taking your blackened soul with me to hell.” He spat the last word, then let me go.
I sank to the floor, panic clawing at my throat.
My mate, crowing over the thought of my death.
My cheeks were wet with tears, eyes blurry, and I flinched as he sank to his knees before me, his hand reaching out for me.
I held my breath, hope trembling in my chest as he tenderly lifted a piece of my hair.
Snip.
The world seemed heavy and thick, not quite moving right as I saw that he’d cut off a ringlet and was running it gently under his nose.
I shattered as a smile twitched on his lips and he rose to his feet.
He walked away, leaving me hunched over on the bathroom floor.