Chapter 25
Declan, Present
I’ve completely lost it.
Whatever little, tiny string I had holding me to the ground. It’s gone. The moment I had sex with Javi it went poof. And that was weeks ago.
I’m now completely off-course and drowning in everything Javier.
I don’t even act like I don’t want to see him anymore. I mean, in front of other people I do. But for him? I’m sure it’s obvious as fuck.
That’s the moment I knew I’d fucked up. When I wasn’t at least acting so annoyed that it’s him.
I’m eager. I initiate contact. I chase after him. We text back and forth.
It’s out of fucking hand.
But every time I try to pull myself back—create some distance—it seems impossible. I find my way to him. He breaks down every defense I have and then I welcome him with a fucking smile on my face. Or close to one, anyway. I’m not very smiley in the first place.
I know I shouldn’t let it happen. I know what happened last time. But I can’t heed any warning bells right now.
We even eat together at lunch now. Although, that wasn’t really something that was up to me. Now that Grant and Landon are officially a couple, Grant is always here and Javi somehow migrated his way over one day.
So now I have to sit right next to him and pretend that he’s disgusting and that I don’t want to jump his bones.
“It’s so great! There’s this really nice view of the skyline. I can’t wait to move in,” Landon excitedly chatters about the apartment he and Grant went to look at over the weekend.
Graduation is still a bit away, but Landon already has a football scholarship to Calhoun University. Javi too, actually. They’ll be playing together next fall.
And because Grant is nothing short of an obsessive maniac for Landon, he’ll be following him and moving into said apartment.
I’ve nodded along with his whole description. It does seem really nice. “Sounds really cool. Too bad you have to live with him.” I jerk my chin in Grant’s direction, which he chooses not to acknowledge except for a quick, bored glance at me.
Landon laughs, taking a stab of the chicken salad on his plate and turning to me. “Be nice, Dec. But enough about that. Have you thought any more about what you want to do after graduation?”
“Mmmmm, no,” I say while focusing back on coloring my shoes.
I do have an idea what I’d like to do. I don’t know where I’ll go exactly—but Calhoun University certainly doesn’t sound too bad.
And not because of Javi.
Landon will be there.
My eyes glance up at Javi, and I see his knowing half-smile peek out as he pretends to eat some of his food.
I already told him about wanting to be a social worker in a fit of insanity, and for some reason, I don’t want to share it with anyone but him.
I continue talking while he chews. “I guess I’ll just take some intro classes at the community college and see if anything interests me.”
He shrugs before swallowing a mouthful of food. “You don’t have to figure it out right away. Hey! What about your art stuff? You could do something with that.”
I vigorously shake my head, keeping my eyes on my shoes. This one is just full of random doodles. An eye. A rose. A dead smiley. Others I’ve made into a cohesive piece. This one is just my chaotic brain spitting things out.
“I’m not really looking to turn something I like to do into work. Sounds like a fast way to make it suck.”
“It sucks sitting here and having to eat with your shoes on the table,” Javi mumbles.
I slowly swivel my head in his direction. “It’s better when you don’t talk.”
“It’s better when your dirty-ass feet are on the floor.”
“Fuck off.”
“Get your fucking feet—”
Landon bangs the table in between us. “Can you guys cut it out? Do you have to bicker about something every single day?”
I point at Javier. “He started it.”
Landon groans one more time, causing Grant to affectionately rub his thigh.
“Well, it’s alright, Dec,” Landon says. “Like I said, you don’t have to know right now.” He punctuates his little pep talk by wrapping his arm around my neck, pulling me in for a weird choke/hug.
Grant growls from where he’s sitting, making Landon roll his eyes and pull away from me. “It’s just a hug, baby.”
“Don’t care,” Grant says quickly before grabbing the back of Landon’s neck and pulling him in for a deep kiss. There’s plenty of tongue and soon Landon starts losing himself, moaning and scooting closer to Grant’s chair.
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter just as a text pings on my phone.
I cap my marker and pull my phone out of my pocket to open the message.
Javi
Tell Landon that if he touches you again, I’ll have to cut his dick off.
Yes, I added him as a contact now. But it’s still nothing.
Me
Tell him yourself.
We both look up and see that Landon and Grant’s mouths are still fused together.
Me
I think he’s a little busy.
And besides, we both know Grant would absolutely lose his shit if you mentioned anything about Landon’s dick.
Javi snorts next to me and starts typing.
Javi
Okay. Yeah. He’d probably murder me. Or try at least.
Me
He’s psychotic. And you know what? Maybe you are too.
Javi
Me? Why?
Me
Because you’re thinking about chopping off someone’s dick because of me. That doesn’t scream “I’m mentally healthy.”
Javi
I don’t want anyone touching you.
Me
You touch me.
Javi
I know. And I want to be the only one.
“Who’re you talking to?”
I look up from my phone to see Landon, wiping his mouth while smiling widely. Grant, on the other hand, is not smiling. He’s glaring in Javi’s direction.
I put my phone face down and uncap my marker, trying to act as nonchalant as possible. “Oh, I didn’t realize you guys were done eating each other.”
“You didn’t answer me.”
I shrug. “Oh. No one. Harold and Nancy.”
“Then why are you smiling like that?” he asks, his voice rising higher in excitement with each word.
“Landon,” I chastise, shaking my head at him. “Calm down. You’re such a fucking puppy.”
“Now you’re deflecting. Who is it?”
I let out a weird titter of awkward laughter. “I told you.”
“You lied,” he counters immediately.
“No I didn’t.” The lilt my voice carries holds no confidence at all.
Grant interrupts us, abruptly scooting his chair out with a loud scrape against the tiled flooring. He walks over to Javi, who has been pushing his food around with a fork, and yanks him up by the arm. “Come on. Let’s go.”
“Man, what the fuck?” Javi grumbles as he grabs his bag. “I was enjoying my lunch.”
“Wait, where are you going?” Landon asks Grant.
Grant smiles at him and kisses the top of his head. “Don’t worry. I’ll still walk you to your next class. Just gotta have a little chat.”
They leave with Grant dragging Javi behind him, despite Javi being the bigger of them. Then right before they disappear around the corner, Javi throws me a quick look filled with heat and something else that I can’t quite place.
The distraction was welcome for me, but now I’m all alone with Landon. No one else to pivot to. I pretend to keep coloring my shoes, but I’m just doing random lines and shit. Trying to avoid the inevitable, I guess.
Landon clears his throat, so I flick my eyes up at him reluctantly. “Listen, Dec, you don’t have to tell me anything. But when I was going through all my shit with Grant, you were there for me—the time I felt so lost and alone.”
I pout and act annoyed. “Ugh. Are you getting all mushy right now?”
He chuckles. “Yes the fuck I am.”
I smile despite myself, so he continues, “You’ve been such a good friend to me. You don’t have to share anything with me. But if you ever need someone, I’d love to repay all the support you gave to me.”
I start tearing up even though it’s so stupid.
He smiles wider at me. “I love you, bro. I’m here for you.”
Ah, fuck it.
“It’s Javi,” I whisper to him.
He shoots up out of his chair, eyes wide with his hand over his mouth as he gasps loudly.
I rear my head back. “I don’t know if that reaction was necessary.”
“Okay. Okay.” He takes a big breath and sits down, smoothing out his hair while he closes his eyes. When they open again, he’s much more composed. “I’m fine. I’m low key. So… what does this mean?”
I shrug and color a strip along the sole of my shoe blue. “Nothing. It’s casual. Just hooking up.”
The words feel weird and terrible on my tongue, leaving behind a film that makes me want to swish water to get rid of it.
He eyes me but doesn’t immediately say anything.
“What?” I ask, a little bite in my tone.
“I feel like that’s not true.”
“Why?” I ask as I straighten, throwing my feet down off the table in outrage at his very true accusation.
“Because. The Declan I know would not be smiling like a maniac at his phone for ‘nothing.’” He even air quotes nothing to mock me.
“Saying that I smile like a maniac, is certainly a choice. And one I don’t love, by the way.”
He crosses his arms. “I’m serious, Dec.”
I let out a slightly frustrated groan. “Okay, fine. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on. But I think I might be feeling things for him."
He nods a few times, then gets this faraway look in his eyes as he stares through me.
“What? Why aren’t you saying anything?”
“I’m thinking of all the double dates we can go on. Oh… double wedding?”
I wag my finger at him. “That’s not fucking low key.”
He holds his hand up in a bewildered expression before letting them slap the table. “I know. I’m sorry. But I don’t think that can be helped.”
I snort and shake my head, putting my feet back up on the table. “Well, he probably doesn’t feel the same. And—”
“Oh. He definitely feels the same.”
I give him a perturbed look and ignore his comment. “And it’s more complicated than that… there’s other stuff.”
“The stuff last year?”
I widen my eyes. “You-you know about that?”
He shakes his head. “Not really. Grant just mentioned you guys had a falling out. That some bad shit went down.”
“Yeah, a falling out,” I echo, trying to not sound as sad as I’m sure I do.
“Well…” he starts, a little more caution in his voice. “I can tell you don’t really want to discuss the specifics. So I’ll just ask, do you think you guys can move past whatever happened?”
I purse my lips, running through everything that happened in my head. “I don’t know,” I say simply, because even if I think I could let it go, I’m not sure if he could too.
The rest of the cafeteria starts getting up from their tables, so Landon and I follow, picking up the trash off our table and depositing it in the garbage can.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this, Dec. I wish I could help more.” He throws his arm around me and pulls me in for a side hug as we walk. “Just know that I love you and I’m always here for you.”
“Yuck. Stop,” I complain into the part of his blazer he’s smashed my face into. When he finally lets me go, I add on a quick and quiet, “I love you too, though.”
He laughs and waves goodbye, walking into the arms of an angry and waiting boyfriend. I turn in the direction of my class and run smack dab into the broad chest of Javier Morales.
I kind of bounce off of him, stumbling backward a bit, but he deftly catches me and pulls me in close again. “Careful, munequito.”
He smiles devilishly down at me, that half-smile stunning me silent while I crane my neck to look up at him.
Butterflies erupt in my stomach.
I’m so fucked.