Chapter XL Milk #2
“Did you jump in the pond, as well?” Arvi asks with a smirk.
“It’s raining.”
He wipes his face with a towel, telling us the news. “We didn’t catch them. Magnar sent soldiers to conduct a search through the city, but it’s likely hopeless. Caliane, you need double guard every time you leave the keep from now on, but it’s better if you stay inside until we figure this out.”
I sigh, the heaviness of the world which Arvi’s embrace kept at bay, draping over my shoulders like a mantle. “Apparently, they were shooting at me,” I say. “Why do you think that was?”
Raduna begins to undress. “A few reasons. They might have been spies from the Table of Kings. Maybe they hope to contest Magnar’s claim to Farneer if you’re dead. But they might just as well be Agnidari zealots, hating the fact they are ruled by a human queen.”
Arvi sits taller and rocks me soothingly when I shiver. Oh, it feels like everyone around wants me dead. Minister Ronan’s resentful face flashes across my mind’s eye, and I grimace.
“Um, I’m holding the ministers’ books, and they must know by now I plan to move against some of them.”
Raduna pauses with his trousers halfway down. “Good point. I’ll tell Magnar. That means double guard inside the keep, my queen.”
We eat supper in the room, me and my three knights. Rain taps on the windowsills outside and caresses the panes. Meanwhile, I wrestle with my guilt.
I’ve brought them so much trouble, and keeping me safe costs so much effort. And what do I do in return? Confess my love to everyone but my husband. Though, maybe not.
I glance at Raduna. Oh, I adore him, I like him very much, and he makes my blood run fast when he’s inside me, moving with long, assured thrusts. He said he loves me many times.
And yet, when I consider what I feel for him, there’s the same resistance that stands in the way of my love for Magnar.
I think hard, trying to find the reason, burrowing deeper and deeper into my heart.
The knights, though subdued, jest about falling into ponds, and Raduna ribs Khay good-naturedly about something he did during the search for my would-be killer.
When Khay pouts, Raduna smiles and gives him a piece of advice.
His voice is measured and calm, his words well-chosen.
He’s wise. Even Magnar turns to him for advice.
When Raduna smiles indulgently at something Arvi says, I gasp, finally pinpointing this air around him.
He’s fatherly.
But could that be it? Raduna is nothing like my father. He is kind, respectful, very straightforward and honest. And yet… And yet.
Is that why I’m afraid to love him? But what about Magnar? He’s not fatherly. He’s very much a husband and a lover.
I don’t know.
“It’s getting late,” Khay says with a yawn. “I’ll run to see how long Magnar’s gonna be. Brush your teeth, my lady.”
I manage to smile. “Are you suggesting my breath smells?”
Khay grins and comes closer, pressing his nose right to my lips and breathing in. I push him away, and he lands on his butt, laughing insouciantly.
“You smell like the sweetest nectar, but if you don’t brush your teeth, they will rot. Teeth are important, even as blunt and useless as yours.”
“I’ll show you my useless teeth when I have you in my mouth,” I mutter.
Khay rolls to his knees and kisses me gently. “All right. I’m sorry. You know I love you, diamond.”
My smile grows fixed, and I nod, casting my gaze down. Khay makes a curious noise, and I look up, forcing my smile to widen. “Go get Magnar before he works himself to death.”
He frowns but does as I say, glancing at Raduna before he leaves. I sigh, knowing their secret tells already. Raduna shoots me an assessing look, and I show him my tongue before darting to the bathroom.
I hear him talking to Arvi, their voices quiet, and I know I can’t escape scrutiny. Oh, I wish I could tell them everything, but not before I face all my monsters and understand them myself.
When Khay returns, he frowns, his shoulders tense. He glances at Arvi, then me, finally settling his gaze on Raduna.
“He said not to wait for him.”
My heart sinks. Magnar has never missed an evening in bed with us, not since the wedding night. I swallow roughly, wondering if I finally did it—repulsed him so much, he no longer wants me. I know if I voice these worries, the knights will comfort me and say they are ridiculous, but are they?
They kept things from me before, hiding Magnar’s moods and fears.
I turn to the door, bracing my shoulders. “I’ll talk to him.”
Khay comes over, clearing his throat uneasily. “He, uh, specifically said we should all get some rest and stay here. I don’t know what’s wrong, my lady. I’m worried, too. But in my experience, when he says he wants to be alone, it’s better to leave him be.”
I trudge to bed in defeat, not knowing what to do. It feels illicit to be taken by my knights when Magnar isn’t here, and when I look at Arvi, I know instantly he feels the same way.
“Next time,” he whispers, kissing my forehead. “Let’s sleep, laruna.”
But even though I’m warm and cozy, cocooned between him and Khay, I can’t sleep for a long while.