Chapter 12
Axel
Luca never failed to surprise me, but this one floored me. Left me speechless. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
My face rarely gave me away since I tended to wear the same reticent glare that kept people away. I was finding the exception to everything in my life was Luca. But the completely unexpected bombshell he dropped ignited a low-burning flame in my gut.
“Like what?” Putting some distance between us was my best course of action before I said something inappropriate, like you’re mine. Wiping a hand over my growing beard, I looked for someplace to get myself together. This shouldn’t fluster me. But this was Luca. He changed everything.
“I don’t know,” he said, shifting the laptop off his lap. “You just look different. Like you might be sick.”
The kitchen. “I’m fine. Want something to drink? I’m gonna get a bottle of water.” Making a quick exit, I powerwalked to the fridge. Yanking open the door, I found what I needed. I was out of my depth with a staggering desire to be everything to him.
Footsteps drew my attention, but I didn’t turn to face him. “Axel? Are you feeling okay?”
The concern in his tone was going to burn me alive.
Forming a coherent thought was suddenly impossible, but not for him.
When he came to a stop in front of me, he went back to worrying the band around his wrist. I’d upset him.
“I made it weird, didn’t I? I should have kept that to myself, but you have a way of making me talk with a single look.
” His brown eyes found mine. “That’s new for me.
I’m sorry. Evidently, I’m still learning how to be a grown-up. ”
Swallowing thickly, my only recourse was to buy time with my water. My addled brain supplied two words. “What look?”
Luca ran his hands over his head and left them there. His shirt rode up, exposing the barest sliver of skin. “I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s not a look, but a… connection. If I could, I’d shut the fuck up.” His gaze turned toward the door. “I need to go. This is embarrassing.”
Faced with him walking out, I stopped thinking and reacted.
Reaching for him, I caught his wrist. Luca’s breath caught as his eyes trailed down to our tentative connection.
We were crossing into new territory. “No,” I said, sliding my hand down to lace our fingers together.
I couldn’t let him leave. “There’s no reason to be embarrassed.
It just caught me off guard. You’re so…” He groaned, making me smile.
“It’s okay. Really. But can I ask why you’ve never… ”
Luca didn’t pull away, but he didn’t look at me either.
With a finger under his chin, I tipped his head up.
He studied me until he saw what he needed.
Our connection was fragile, but there. “I know it seems crazy, but while my classmates were liberally exploring their sexuality, I chose to focus on the books. I had no say about almost everything in my life. But the person I gave my body to was in my power. My choice. If I trusted the wrong people and let my guard down, I could have lost that, too.” His face begged for understanding.
“When I have sex for the first time, I want it to mean something.” His eyes glistened in the light. “Does that make sense?”
I squeezed his hand. The unexpected urge to pull him into my arms again tested my willpower. It would have been so easy. “Perfect sense. Maybe you’re a relationship person after all.”
He dropped his chin and shook his head. “It’s unrealistic to want to be in a relationship.
I just want it to be someone I care about, and who cares about me.
” He released a heavy breath and looked at the floor.
“I’ll probably need therapy before I try that.
No one in their right mind is going to want to deal with someone like me. ”
I would. I already wanted to wrap him up and protect him.
But he was too fiercely independent to allow that.
“You never know. He might be right under your nose.” Trusting me might be a mistake, because I wasn’t sure I could trust myself with the growing feelings for him.
“I’ve got you, Luca. You can trust me to keep it to myself.
I promise.” When his brown eyes melted into mine, I gave up the ruse and pulled him in for a hug.
Friends did that, right? He stiffened in my arms. “It’s okay.
You can hug me back. It doesn’t have to mean anything. ”
With hesitation, he wrapped his arms around me. I held him until he released a heavy sigh and his muscles relaxed. The urge to kiss his head and nuzzle into him was strong.
“Thank you for being my friend,” he murmured.
I gave in and allowed myself to touch his hair. “Thank you for being mine.” When he stepped back, I already missed him. That was a bad sign.
“Ready to check out the new listings?” he asked, walking back to the sofa.
I allowed myself a second of weakness to think about how right he felt in my arms. “Yes. Let’s do it.”
An hour later, after viewing two brownstones and a high-rise penthouse with a view of Manhattan, he yawned. “Sorry. It’s been a long day.”
“You could just stay here. I have plenty of room.”
“Thanks, but I have to go home.”
Nodding, I rose from the sofa and headed to the kitchen. I removed the bags from the refrigerator and grabbed my wallet and phone. Walking to the door, I followed him into the hallway. He stopped and frowned. “Are you going out?”
“Yes. I’m taking you home.”
“I don’t need a babysitter. I can get myself there just fine.” He reached for the bags, but I held them out of his reach
“I realize that. But I’m going with you. What else do I have to do?”
Luca exhaled a less irritated sigh that bordered on exhaustion. “Fine.” When we stopped at the elevator, he leaned his shoulder against the wall and looked up at me. “When do I get my car back?”
“Soon. But until then, George will be your driver.”
Another heavy sigh escaped his chest. “Axel…”
Here we go again. “It’s just a car service. The dealer offered a loaner while they repaired yours, but I’d already paid George. It’s nothing special.” It would give me peace of mind that he was safe.
He finally gave in. “Okay.”
The ride down was fast, and when we reached the lobby, we walked out into the muggy night air.
Hailing a cab, we crawled in, and Luca gave the driver his address.
When we pulled up outside his building, I asked the driver to wait.
Exiting the car, I walked him to the stairs of death and bit my tongue.
“George will be here in the morning. We can pick up the search tomorrow.”
Luca shook his head. “I should probably go to the library.”
“Can you access what you need online?”
He thought about it. “Probably.”
“You can use one of the guest rooms to work. I’ll make dinner while you work.”
Luca appeared surprised. “You can cook?”
I rubbed my neck. “Sort of, but I can follow directions.”
He laughed and headed to the stairs. “I doubt that. But I’d like to see you do it.”
“Then you will need to be at my place after work to witness my failure in the kitchen.”
He turned and looked at me. “It should be entertaining. But something tells me you won’t fail.”
“Your faith in my culinary skills is admirable.”
“I’m not just talking about your cooking.”
A moment of understanding passed between us. The electricity in the air intensified.
“See you tomorrow,” he said, climbing the stairs.
He didn’t turn around, but I watched until he was out of sight.
His apartment was on the front of the building, so I stood and watched until the lights came on.
Turning, I got back in the cab and told the driver where to go.
As he pulled away, something new and unexpected filled my chest. Was this what real happiness felt like? If so, I wanted more of it.
It had taken almost a week for Luca’s car repairs to be completed. When the dealer called to inform me it was ready, I gave them my credit card over the phone and arranged for George to take Luca to pick it up. Just as I expected, he called the minute he was given the keys.
“Axel, I think we have a problem. A big one, in fact.”
“How so?” I mused. I’d expected this call.
His breath shuddered in my ear. “You said AC repair. But the invoice doesn’t say they repaired it. They replaced it. The whole damn thing.”
Grinning, I tried to keep the smile out of my voice. “I’m not seeing the problem.”
He groaned. “Axel, they did more than you asked them to.” He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I think they took advantage of you.”
“Really?” I feigned being shocked. “What do you mean?”
The paper rattled. “They did all this stuff. They serviced the engine and changed all the fluids. Oh, fuck.” His voice hit an octave I was sure only canines could hear.
“They put new tires on it and not only painted my green quarter panel, but the whole goddamn car. Why would they do that? Who just does…”
“Calm down,” I soothed. “It’s perfectly fine.”
He paused to breathe. “Why are you not losing your shit? Are you insane? They did a lot of unauthorized work, unless…” When I told them to fix everything, I didn’t realize how much I would love this. “Axel, why aren’t you upset? This is ridiculous.”
“Because it’s not a problem.” I was not used to explaining my actions to anyone. But if it eased his anxiety, I’d explain it all. Unwillingly, but I’d do it for him.
“This was way too much money. Have you lost your mind?”
I snorted. “Yes. I should have used some common sense and bought you a new car. But I knew you’d miss your relic.”
I could almost feel his gasp against my ear. “You have to stop. We have a contract.”
“You’re right, but not about that. I respected your boundaries and didn’t purchase a new car.
We’ve already been over this.” I would definitely stop listening to him and do what the fuck I wanted.
I didn’t need his approval on how I spent my money.
By his tone, he seemed surprised that I had agreed.
“Okay.” He paused. “I appreciate what you’ve done. But I’ll be paying this back. Somehow.”
Rolling my eyes, I breathed deeply so he could hear my frustration with his nonsense.
“Whatever makes you happy.” If it made him feel better, I’d take his money only so I could give it back to him.
Maybe I’d open a brokerage account for him with my financial advisor.
“We’ll work out a payment plan to my liking. ”
He paused. “Of course, you have to be in charge of everything.”
“You act as if you don’t know me at all.”
Luca’s soft laughter warmed my cold, dead heart. But his words did something different. “I see behind that stoic exterior you show everyone. There’s a soft side buried deep inside you begging to come out.”
I huffed. “Take that shit back.” His laughter made my chest tighten. “I have to go. Enjoy your car. I’ll see you later.” Ending the call, I had to stop before I did something stupid. But my phone buzzed with an incoming text.
Luca: I didn’t get to say thank you. So thank you.
Me: No thanks necessary. I’m making you my chauffeur until I buy a car.
That was a white lie, but I knew he needed it.
Luca: I still see you.
That was exactly what I was afraid of. If he knew the real me, would he still feel that way?
As one day bled into another, I got lost in the routine and normalcy of our friendship.
Most days when he arrived at my apartment, he worked a while before we searched the real estate listings over dinner.
I discovered that I enjoyed having someone to take care of.
That’s what friends did for each other. But no matter what I did, he stayed planted in the front of my mind.
On the nights he had to meet with his advisor or needed the library, I waited outside to walk him home.
I had to know he was safe, or so I told myself.
Luca appeared in my dreams every time I closed my eyes.
Some nights it was a fantasy, leaving me desperate for release.
Other times, I relived the horrors he’d shared while living in foster care.
It always left me in a murderous rage. The boxing bag in the gym was a temporary fix.
The system was supposed to protect him, yet they left him there anyway.
It ate away at me until I had no choice but to exorcise the demons.
“Can you dig into social service files from a long time ago?”
My brother-in-law hummed. “What’s going on now, Axel?”
Pacing back and forth across my terrace, I recounted the story. “I need to know the asshole is dead. Because if he isn’t...”
“Wait. Maybe you should talk to Luca about it before going off the deep end.”
Scoffing, I imagined his reaction. “This is not about him. It’s about my peace of mind.”
“I’ll see what I can do. But I can’t make any promises.”
The more time I spent with Luca, the more obsessed I became with protecting him.
I was addicted to the way his smile chased away the cold in my heart.
I wanted more time with him every day. And if I were being honest, I wanted to be the one to take him the first time.
No one would treat him the way I would. No one would ever make sure he was comfortable, sated, and happy.
But I also couldn’t lead him on. A relationship felt out of the question, but not impossible.
Neither of us was interested in that. Being on the same page should have been enough.
But it wasn’t.