25. Chase
Ididn”t understand what I did wrong this time. I was honest with her like she wanted, I didn”t want to start our lives together on a lie, but that didn”t seem to make her happy. She refused to take rides to and from work with me, she ignored all of my phone calls and text messages.
Every time she ignored me, the anguish that had taken refuge in my chest spread like cancer throughout my body. Nothing felt the same. Food tasted like shit, so I didn”t eat. I saw her face every time I closed my eyes, so I didn”t sleep. Fatigue was catching up to me, I found myself wondering why I hadn’t taken her for my own.
That would’ve been a typical action of mine; take her, bend her to my will, never look back. But every time I pictured the look of betrayal she’d wear on her face, I stopped myself. I used to fantasize all the ways I wanted to break her, to love her so hard that it was physically painful for her. But somewhere in the time we spent together, I no longer craved her pain. Not in a way that would permanently cause everlasting harm at least. She asked if I would kill her, and at the time, I felt like I could, unable to bear the thought of her with anyone else. Now I wasn”t so sure. Emma was different from all the others, she consumed me completely. I was lost without her.
I loved Emma with all I had. She was all the good in the world served to me in a beautiful package, and as dark as my soul was, I couldn”t tarnish that beauty. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of the light in her fading permanently.
So I left her alone.
Killing myself slowly.
Summer was turning into Autumn quickly. The summer semester was over, all finals graded, faculty and staff in the office were rapidly preparing for the upcoming semester. Fall semester was the busiest one of the year with events and conferences. Mine was coming up soon, I’d be going out of state to give a lecture to upcoming graduates who would be teaching my course, as well as those who were preparing to enter the program. The university was going to pay me good money to come lecture their faculty and students, but leaving Emma for a week was not sitting well with me.
Something was telling me I shouldn’t leave her alone. Pittsburgh was like any other city, being aware of your surroundings was key to safety. Being aware of one”s surroundings was not Emma’s strong suit. I’d watched her for over a year and she never knew I was there, even times when I could have sworn she looked dead at me.
I scrolled through the online site, sending Emma another round of flowers to her door in hopes she would at least look my way when I saw her in the office. Watching her from the camera was becoming too much. I needed to feel her in my arms, I wanted to sink into her warmth and love her the way she deserved to be loved. Even if that love came from someone like me.
I shoved my phone in my pocket after completing the transaction and detoured through Emma’s office hoping to catch a glimpse of her. She was there, looking like a dream. She wore a dress that stopped just at her mid thigh with translucent tights underneath. She no longer wore the marks of us, her pale skin clear, no bruises, no handprints.
The darkness in me wanted nothing more than to take her up to my office and pound into her until her skin was dressed in the aftermath. I wanted to see her marked by me in every single way possible. I wanted to send her back down to her cubicle seeping my fucking essence out of her.
But I didn”t do any of those things.
I deserved the torment I felt when I looked at her; she seemed happy. Better off without me weaving a path of destruction through her life, no matter what my intentions were.
I sat at my desk remembering our first time here. The mahogany work space’s leg had wobbled since that night. Another reminder of her. I pressed my palms against my eyes, so hard I worried they”d burst in their sockets. The black spots swam across my closed lids turning into shapes of Emma, shapes of us on my desk, in her bed, everywhere I took her.
Goddammit.
“Professor Lowe,” a soft voice whipped me out of my thoughts. My eyes snapped open to look at who stood in the doorway of my office.
Anna was there looking at me with concern, “I came by to give you these for your upcoming travel,” she stepped in setting a stack of papers on my desk, “you never responded to the email and we wanted to make sure you had what you needed.”
“Thank you, Anna,” I choked out. A tsunami of envy spread through my veins. Anna had access to Emma that I no longer did. It was painful to even look at her.
“Um,” she rocked back and forth on her ankles, her hands clasped in front of her until her knuckles turned a deeper shade on her already tanned complexion, “are you,” her eyes darted to the floor then back to me, “okay?”
Shit no.
“I’m doing well, thank you for asking.”
She must not have believed that given the way her eyes narrowed at me. She nodded and turned to leave the office. Anna was not my biggest fan, so I wasn’t even sure why she cared enough to ask. She stopped abruptly and turned back.
“She misses you too.”
Her voice was a murmur but her words rebounded through my mind, the false hope that I may still have a chance with Emma was more painful than anything.
Anna didn’t wait for a response, she turned on her heels and scurried back down to their floor.
The dam that had been holding back my emotions was on the verge of breaking. I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to stave off the inevitable.