24. Emma
God I was an idiot. I sobbed hysterically into my pillowcase the second I got home. Chase was a fucking psychopath and I was letting him stay with me. I had let him stay after I saw the weird collage of victims on his wall. More tears spilled down my cheeks at the shame I felt.
I slept with him. My stomach heaved, I ran to the bathroom throwing my head over the toilet just barely making it as I puked my fucking guts out. I begged him, another heave sent my head spinning as the images of the explicit nights played through my mind. The pressure throbbed behind my eyes as I coughed up the last remnants of anything I”d had left in my system.
The cold of the tile chilled my sweating body as I leaned back against the bathtub. My heart raced, my chest throbbed with every breath I took. The whispers of a migraine floated through my head as the pressure intensified behind my eyes.
I asked for the truth and that’s exactly what he gave me. Hauling my body off the floor, I looked in the mirror taking in the mess that was my face. My eyes were bloodshot red, popped vessels from crying and throwing up assaulted my reflection.
Great.
Images of the women on Chase’s walls flew through my vision. The online articles describing what happened to Lacey, then hearing it confirmed from Chase’s lips. It was almost like every single time I was around him, I lost all sense. My body would immediately get aroused and before I knew it, I would be begging for him to take me.
I was desperate for Chase and that clouded my vision. I was so jealous of all the girls he told me about, that I found myself not caring…almost being happy… that a woman was murdered. He told me he mutilated a woman, enjoyed it, reveled in the memory, and my first thought was, why aren’t I that important? Then my next was spreading my legs for him apparently.
I rinsed my face with water, desperate for a nap and to forget about all of the awful news I seemed to be getting recently.
Nate was gone, Dr. Murdock was gone.
And it was all because of me.
Is this what I wanted? Did I want someone to want me so badly, to be solely theirs, that they would eliminate anyone that threatened that?
I pulled the covers up to my chin reminiscing about my relationship with Nate, cheating aside, he was a good guy. The soreness between my legs reminded me of my infatuation with Chase, chasing away any happy memories.
I needed time. I needed time away from Chase to get my mind straight. Every single time I was with him, he somehow ended up inside me and I left feeling disappointed in myself. The thoughts I had when I was with him made me feel like I was a different person. A bitter, more selfish, version of myself who didn’t care who was hurt as long as Chase was mine.
And I didn’t like that.
I was never like that before, was I?
I said some harsh things to Chase, things that I was projecting onto him since I felt that way about myself more often lately. I said that Chase had no remorse for human life when it came to killing my ex, but I reacted similarly when he told me about Lacey.
I told him I didn’t want him to belong to me, the first lie I”d ever told him and it was the biggest one. I wanted him more than I wanted my next breath. I told him I wasn’t his. Being his, felt like winning a Nobel prize. Something I never thought would happen for me, and now something that might never happen again. A once in a lifetime opportunity. Gone.
My palms were sweating under the covers, and I thought I might be sick again at the tumultuous thoughts bouncing back and forth through my brain like a ping pong ball.
Maybe Chase and I were more alike than I wanted to admit.