Chapter 25
Nate
Iknow this kind of thing happens to people, I just could never imagine being afraid to step past a threshold myself. Yet here I am, frozen at the top of the narrow staircase leading back to the library.
Tristan’s reaching for my hand, and his presence here is the proof that the steps won’t collapse under my weight, but within those past weeks my sanctuary has become a prison. Yes, the bars are entirely in my head, but that doesn’t make them feel any less real.
As much as I hate to admit it, maybe I did need Tristan to invade my space and mess up the comfortable routine of reading, napping, and giving Lady belly rubs?
Because Sabine was right. I’ve grown complacent and forgot all about my purpose.
And if I am to break the bond and maybe establish a new kind of relationship with Tristan once it’s all over, I need to act.
And let’s face it, I am not traveling to some strange elven astronomer if I can’t even make it to the stables.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, taking my hand away from Tristan for the third time now. I feel as if the floor is going to collapse under me the moment I step outside, and so far reason has not helped me get over those ridiculous fears.
“It’s all right. We have all the time in the world. Lunch will be served when we get there.”
I exhale, peeking back at the safe haven I let the servants craft for me.
All this discomfort could be avoided by staying, but Tristan’s made arrangements for me, and even brought me a set of obscenely tight leathers meant for kelpie-riding.
I wasn’t entirely sure about putting them on at first, but after Sabine reassured me the outfit really is meant to prevent the skin from sticking to the kelpie, I relented.
And now here I am, with the man who last night dashed from the other side of the room to comfort me after a bad dream.
I don’t know why I didn’t want him around, when he makes me feel so safe. It’s madness that he, a prince, spent weeks in squalor, living inside my walls just to keep an eye on me. I believe him that it wasn’t for creepy reasons. Which is maybe a mistake on my part, but he is irresistible.
He promised not to flirt, and he’s kept his word, but that hasn’t stopped him from changing in my presence.
I’ve had inklings of desire here and there since being saved from Gloombane.
For the first weeks of recovery, it was the last thing on my mind, but yesterday, when I got a clear view of his arms, his pecs, his chiseled stomach, silky red hair sliding down his shoulders…
I needed to excuse myself and go to bed.
I lie there sweating and frustrated because I wouldn’t let myself jerk off while he was right there.
And when I woke up deep in the night, with the image of Gloombane’s bleeding eyeholes still imprinted at the backs of my lids, I found myself struggling when he came to offer comfort.
Because I knew that if I invited him to bed, I would end up with his hot cum inside me.
And that is simply… it would make things way too complicated.
I need to focus on my goal and then—only then—consider Tristan’s offer of marriage. If it’s even still on the table.
“This is so pathetic,” I mumble, leaning against the doorframe. “What’s wrong with me? Do you have a potion of courage?”
“That’s not how it works, sweetheart—”
He stops talking when I frown at him. “We’re friends now.”
Tristan doesn’t miss a beat. “I will be with you every step of the way. Lady is already downstairs. We have a day of safe and very calm adventure ahead of us.” He holds his hand out patiently and smiles as if I didn’t yell at him last night.
I exhale, and a brief flash of memory passes through my mind. My first day learning how to ride a bike, and my gramps running after me with his fingers tight at the back of my seat. “Were you always this patient?” I ask softly.
“Oh, no. I was a very impatient child. But at twenty, Prince Kyranis was born and I became his royal guard. Of course, he was in no way my sole responsibility, but it definitely shifted my priorities. And now I’ve had Lady for a while. She’s stubborn, but I managed to teach her quite a few tricks.”
“Really? And you didn’t show me?” I ask, feeling hurt. I gave my life to save her and I didn’t even know she could do tricks?
“I will show you downstairs,” he teases, wiggling his fingers as if to coax me out.
Bastard.
But he might have found the key to my self-imposed cell, because I squeeze his fingers and finally place my foot on the step below. My body shifts, following his, and just like that, I’m out of my rooms.
I’m on the stairs leading to the library, and the world did not end.
I grin at Tristan, then sob as tears fill my eyes. It’s embarrassing, and I’m about to retreat in shame when he pulls my face onto his shoulder and bathes me in that exquisite scent. Smoked fern. Salt. Leather.
I don’t think I could exist without this aroma anymore.
“It’s all right.” He doesn’t call me ‘sweetheart’ or kiss my head, just holds me close as if he’s my sanctuary.
It’s strange to physically feel so good when my mind is still halfway back in Gloombane’s tower.
One of the medics told me it’s why a few of my scars are not fading.
As someone who studied veterinary medicine, I wanted to dismiss that, but since their potions and salves don’t work like the human ones, maybe she’s right, and my mind is holding me back.
I hear faint barking from downstairs, and Tristan laughs. “We’re coming!”
“What if I just run back?” I quip but pull away, breathing slowly to calm down the panic attack I’ve been constantly edging since morning.
“No, you won’t, because you’re hungry, and I have lunch,” Tristan says and tales my hand.
I hate how my mind can’t take the simple joke for what it is, instead plunging right back to the two months when Gloombane starved me. How I begged him for scraps and stuffed my mouth with fish gut stew, worried he’d take it away if I didn’t eat quick enough.
I’ve never known hunger like that. It made me lose all reason and sense of propriety or decorum. Survival was all that mattered.
“Don’t—please don’t say that,” I whimper, closing my eyes. I can’t believe this is what I’ve become. If Tristan isn’t tired of me yet, he soon will be, and then at least he might not be regretful of letting me go.
He’s quick to look back. “Oh? Say what? I’m sorry, I’m not sure…”
“I just—” It takes me several seconds to take a full breath and meet his gaze.
We’ve only just left the room where I’ve spent the past six weeks, but something about the low ceiling and the tight space between the walls encourages me with its coziness.
“He starved me. I know you didn’t mean to— but it just comes back. ”
His golden eyes are soft and warm when he takes a step back to hug me. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I promise to be more thoughtful.”
I want to kiss him.
The need for the sweet softness of his lips is so visceral I need to remind myself why I can’t relent. A shadow wielder isn’t meant to sleep with their promised for the very reason that good sex might make things confusing, resulting in rash decisions. I can see that happening.
Tristan is irresistible.
Beautiful. Chivalrous. Kind.
He is so kind it’s taking my breath away.
“Thank you. Let’s— try joining Lady.”
Tristan nods with a smile and leads me down the stairs, never letting go of my hand. I should probably consider that a more-than-friends gesture, but the gender norms in the Nightmare Realm aren’t as rigid as in mine, so I don’t pull away.
Or I just really want him holding my hand.
The library is empty as we arrive. Eerily so. Before I get to ask about it, Lady is all over me. How an animal can look both so terrifying and cute at once, I will never know.
“You wanna see one of the tricks?” Tristan asks.
I chuckle, because despite the intimidating size of the library, and all its dark corners, I feel safe with my two guard dogs.
“I need to see what a good girl she’s been,” I say, scratching Lady behind one massive ear.
Her tusks are thicker than my fingers, but at this point their size isn’t intimidating at all.
Is this how wild cat caretakers feel when interacting with their animals?
I’m elated when Tristan pulls out a wooden horn, twisted like a mythical unicorn’s, and places it on Lady’s head.
She has thick paws, and a chunky body, but when her elven daddy gives her the command, she manages to balance the prop on her forehead almost as if it’s a part of her body.
I lose it when Tristan informs me she’s now like a ‘real unicorn’, but playtime is eventually over, and we venture farther.
“Do elves not like to read?” I joke as we walk the empty passageways. When Tristan gives me a confused glance, I go on, “no one’s here.”
“Oh no! I made a fake alert about a moth infestation, so we’re not bothered as we pass. But I have to say I’ve been doing more reading in the past weeks than ever before. I hope you’re not bored to death with that by now.”
I blink, because while barring people from the library is a cruel move, the reason for it is so sweet I have to remind myself that my heart is only leaping because it’s being a traitorous idiot.
“I can’t imagine ever being bored of reading,” I say as Tristan leads me past the librarian's counter, into a shadowed aisle between two massive wooden shelves piled high with leather-bound volumes. “Maybe it’s different for you, because you were born in a world of magic, and you can grow wings, but for me it was only ever a dream. And reading allowed me to live it.”
“You have books about our realm?”
We pass a tall door, which must be the main entrance, and instead head for a smaller one to the side of the giant hall filled with endless bookshelves.
For so many weeks I could have come down here and browsed for myself.
I won’t be beating myself up about it, but I need to be bolder now that I took the plunge and left my rooms.