Chapter 27 #2
I smile back at him, itching to stroke his face, lips tingling with the need to kiss him. “Yes! It will probably be adopted by the village wiser like the last one. They consider such unusual creatures keys to understanding. What? I don’t know, but I’m not wise.”
Nate swallows, his face so close to mine, eyes shiny as they reflect the stars and moon above. “You’re being too harsh on yourself.”
I laugh in surprise. “Nah, I’m good at pretty much everything else, so I can’t be wise too, otherwise the universe would be left out of balance. You on the other hand? Nate, you were amazing. You just went in there with such confidence.”
His gaze lowers, and I shiver when his cheeks bloom with the prettiest shade of pink.
My heart leaps.
My palms sweat, but I don’t dare move, afraid that I might shatter the perfection of this moment too easily.
“That’s what I was born for. Helping others,” Nate says and exhales as the herd moves along, cooped up by its newest member and the mother. “This was… beautiful. Thank you, Tristan.”
“What for? Wrestling the bull? Any day, Nate. Any day.” I swell with pride even though my shoulders ache.
Nate laughs. It’s such an easy, thrilling sound, and when he nudges me with his shoulder, I cling to the sensation it elicits. “I was so scared, but you just stood in front of it, fought it, and won like some kind of superhero! Those things are the size of elephants!”
I’m so desperate to kiss him I have to remind myself I promised not to flirt or attempt to seduce him. It’s agony. “What are elephants?” I ask, staring into his eyes the way that newborn calf did at the sky. Full of wonder.
Nate exhales, turning to face me, and his knee presses against mine. I’m prepared to have him pull away, but he stays, eyes focused on mine. “It’s the biggest land animal in my world. When we visit my realm, I will take you to a place called a zoo and show them to you. Deal?”
“Deal,” I say without thinking, because whatever a zoo is, this is an invitation.
I wish it didn’t sound like he’s already thinking about going back.
Why did I have to fuck things up with the one man I fell for so easily?
Of course he’ll never be able to look at a shadow wielder again and believe their intentions.
It doesn’t matter how badly I want to keep him safe, because I am too similar to the man who hurt him.
I get up and offer him my hand to help.
He initially reaches back, then takes his hand away. “Sorry… I’m super dirty right now.”
We’re both dirty, so maybe he just doesn’t want to touch me much.
Which is fine. Or at least it should be, but it still makes me sulk.
I cover it by approaching Stone as Nate puts on his coat again.
“No, I’m sorry about all of this. I wanted to show you the village, but you’d probably rather take a bath. ”
It’s a relief to no longer be living within the damn walls, but I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to exist in the same space as Nate and not flirt, not touch him, not at least pay him many compliments.
He’s beautiful. Smart. Capable and kind.
Who could resist him? So he has a weak shadow.
I’d take him without one whatsoever. Maybe this is where Gloombane was wrong all along.
Maybe Nate’s shadow was faint because there’s so little darkness in him.
Maybe it’s not the suffering that makes the shadow, but his deeds.
Nate approaches Stone and grins at me, just like he had back when everything was still good. Before Gloombane chewed him up and spat him out. “We can visit the village another time.”
“We will. Maybe you could meet the wiser, name the calf, I’m sure they’d love to see you.”
I help him up into the saddle, then get up right behind him.
I want to pull Nate out of his shell so badly.
To show him how my realm doesn’t have to be all terror and suffering.
Deep down I hope he’ll decide our bond doesn’t need breaking.
That I’m worthy of being the shadow wielder he vows loyalty to as a Dark Companion. That he’ll stay.
And even if that was be too much, I would be more than content to stay at his side, just enjoying his company if he can’t be mine. Though I’m not sure how I’d cope with another man stepping into his life. Sometimes I’m even jealous of the hugs he gives Lady.
He exhales, leaning against me as I nudge Stone with my heels, making him turn back toward the castle. Its silhouette is so stark against the moon, as if it’s been cut out of black paper, and I wonder if we’re both watching it now.
For a while, we ride in silence, but Nate finally breaks it with a soft sigh. “Thank you for helping me. And for taking me out. I think I really needed… this reassurance that I’m still myself. That I’m not useless.”
“Why would you be useless?” I’m alarmed and snake my arm around his waist under the pretense of keeping him steady. If he tells me to pull away, so be it, but until then, we can both act as if it’s a perfectly casual gesture between friends.
I sense him going limp against me. “Because… from the moment I came to the Nightmare Realm, I felt unable to influence anything. I couldn’t make decisions.
I was weak, and injured, and even today I couldn’t cope with a simple conversation with Kurt.
But helping those cows… it really changed something. ”
I hug him tighter, so happy that he’s regaining the confidence he deserves to possess.
“As you settle in, get to know people at court, and the animals that live in our realm, it’ll be much easier for you to make choices.
And speaking of those… I know you said you don’t feel like coming to the ball, but I assure you it wouldn’t have to mean anything, and you’d get to meet more of the royals and their extended families.
I will tell you in secret that the Lord has planned a presentation of bats from all corners of the realm for his husband.
Would you not like to see those creatures? ”
I know the answer the moment Nate’s shoulders hunch, and I’m angry at myself for bringing the ball up for a second time. “Maybe I can… see them before or after the party? After all, the surprise isn’t for me.”
“That’s a fantastic idea! I will inquire,” I say too enthusiastically, which only seems to make my blunder worse. Why did I have to push? Can I ever do anything right?
I will never be able to make up for leaving him with Gloombane, and a dark cloud settles over me at the thought. I keep it far away from Nate though. That’s not his problem. He’s suffered enough.
Every time I’m reminded of that dungeon in the tower, of his haunted eyes, bleeding wounds, and ribs poking at his skin, guilt rises in my throat like nausea.
What right do I have to torment him further?
If he prefers to be kept a secret, to stay hidden away from the elves at court, to never admit he is my promised, then so be it.