Chapter 13 #2
He paused briefly. “I want to respect you, Ash. You told me you wanted to wait until marriage, and I want that for you, too. I want it for us.”
“Is that why you don’t touch me anymore?” I asked quietly.
“Holdin’ back’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but if I get close, I’m scared I’ll do somethin’ to fuck it up.
Do you know how fuckin’ beautiful you are?
How good you smell, and how much I want to shove those creamy, smooth legs wide open and root so deep, I get lost in you?
D’you know how much I want you, Dubheasa?
I can’t sleep or eat, baby. My soul calls for you.
Then you act like a brat, and it gets worse ’cause I just wanna strip you down to nothin’, put a leash around your neck, and tie you to my bed with it.
I’m gonna do that one, baby, if you’re bad, but I bet my Dubheasa would like that, right? ”
I almost groaned out loud at the rush of moisture between my legs.
“No,” I squeaked.
“Liar,” he rumbled.
My lips parted.
Pagan was unhinged, but a part of me loved it.
He had me tied up in knots. Our relationship was so damned toxic that I should’ve run a mile; except I had no intention of going anywhere.
I wanted this; I wanted a man who was demanding and suffocating.
I wanted to be twisted inside out and turned upside down until my head spun.
Pagan was stubborn, pig-headed, and he wouldn’t give an inch, but he was also the most charismatic, thrilling, spine-tingling, breathtaking man I’d ever met.
It seemed I had a type because Pagan was giving crazy psycho, and Jesus help me, I was here for it.
“I’ve gotta go, baby,” Pagan told me. “My boys are waitin’ for me to watch a movie.”
My heart panged because I would’ve loved to see him with his sons. I couldn’t help wondering if they were like him.
It hurt that he didn’t trust me with his boys.
I understood that he didn’t want them to meet me until he was sure about where we were headed, but in another way, that hurt too.
I knew I wanted to be with him forever; I’d do anything for him.
So the fact he still wasn’t sure about us felt like a kick in the teeth.
It had been months, and after the last few days, I was beginning to see we were no further forward than the first time he turned up in Denver and saved me from my boss.
I needed to get off this call and think.
“Have a good night, Aiden,” I whispered.
“Be good,” he ordered gently before the line went dead.
I stared at my phone, deep in thought, my throat burning with emotion at the conversation I just had and the revelations that came with it.
I could hold on like I told Mam, but what was I holding on to?
Was I just kidding myself? Was I seeing what I wanted to see instead of what Pagan was showing me?
“You okay?” Thug asked out of the blue, startling me.
My head whipped toward the couch where he lounged, looking at me with interest.
“Oh. Yeah,” I replied. “I just...” The words trailed off because, for the life of me, I didn’t know what to say. Thug was Pagan’s brother and friend, and his loyalties didn’t lie with me. And anyway, he wasn’t exactly the kind of guy I could sit down and pour my heart out to like Tristan.
“You look lost,” Thug mused.
I let out a quiet snort. “Do I?”
“Prez is a hard man to work out,” he went on.
I stared at him, deadpan. “No shit.”
Thug’s lips quirked. “If it’s any consolation, you’re the only woman who’s lasted more than one night.”
“I don’t know if that’s consoling or not,” I told him honestly. “Sometimes I feel like I’m chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be caught.”
Thug studied me intently, like he was seeing me for the first time. “Pagan can’t be rushed.”
I smiled ruefully. “Yeah. I’m getting that, and I don’t want to rush him. I just feel like it’s all about Pagan. His rules, his expectations, his pace. That alone would be doable if he didn’t hold himself so far out of reach.”
“I get that,” he admitted. “The boss isn’t exactly forthcomin’ with his feelings, except with Bootneck, but then our SAA enables him. Always did.”
“Enables?” I asked, confused.
Thug grinned. “Boot’s a good dude and a decent brother, but whenever Pagan fucks up, it’s usually ’cause Bootneck’s the devil on his shoulder.”
“And who are you to him?” I challenged.
Thug laughed. “I’m the angel on his other shoulder, of course. Not that he fuckin’ listens.”
I giggled along with him. “I get what you mean.”
Thug stared at me with a small smile hovering over his mouth. “Hold the line, Aislynn. It’ll be worth it eventually. You just need to let him get his hangups outta his system. Once he trusts you, Boot won’t be a concern. He won’t even factor.”
“It’s hard sometimes,” I murmured.
“Did you expect easy from Pagan?” he asked.
I laughed. “No.”
“Do you want easy from Pagan?” he asked more pointedly.
I sighed audibly and admitted, “No.”
“Easy’s borin’, right?” he muttered.
I looked at him and blinked, and something in my chest loosened.
I didn’t know what I was holding on to or whether the squeezing of my heart was hope or stupidity, but Thug’s words, simple as they were, took some of the shame out of it, because at least I wasn’t the only one who believed the reward would be worth the fight.