Chapter 15 #2
“I’m holding on by the fingertips, Mam, and it’s hurting me,” I whispered.
She smiled sadly. “Then let go and see where the cards fall. Sometimes, letting go doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It just means you’re setting boundaries.”
Maybe that was the moment my grip on Pagan loosened.
It wasn’t just that I craved him (though I did).
It was the daily ache of not having him in my life.
The knowledge that I didn’t matter enough for him to shoot off a message was screwing with my self-esteem, especially when he was all I thought about.
I could have ignored him and told him to leave me alone, but every time I tried, he came back after me with a vengeance.
Perhaps it would have been easier to cut him out of my life, but nobody ever talked about the grief that came with doing it, or how hard it was to stand by a decision you never wanted to make in the first place.
However, now I was beginning to see that there was no other way. Holding on to Pagan Sinclair was brutal, and it was slowly killing me.
And enough was enough.
—————
It was nine o’clock by the time we left the restaurant. Tristan and Maeve were going straight to the airport to catch a flight to Rock Springs where Donovan was picking them up, and Mam was staying at my apartment overnight and driving back to Hambleton with me the next day.
I’d finished work, but I had to go to my Grad school and see my professor before he signed off on my projects.
I’d also applied for a couple of jobs in Denver, so I was loathe to give my apartment up straight away.
The rent was paid up for a couple more months, and I had enough in the bank to cover me for longer if needed.
The Sketch Group had been more than generous with their payoff, and if I decided to stay in Colorado for work, then I didn’t want to move.
After saying our goodbyes and seeing Mae and Tris off in a cab, Mam and I grabbed an Uber back to the apartment. I half expected Pagan to be there, but I knew he wasn’t as soon as we pulled up outside.
It was a kick in the teeth because he knew I’d finished work today.
I’d mentioned it on one of the WhatsApps I’d sent him that had been read but gone unanswered.
I’d already made my decision to end things, but a tiny part of me couldn’t help wishing he’d turn up on my doorstep, explain his silence away, and soothe my aching heart.
“Come on, love,” Mam urged. “I’ve brought some Barry’s tea bags with me. Let’s go put the kettle on.” We got out of the taxi and headed toward the main door of my building.
That was when my phone rang.
I fished it out of my purse, not expecting it to be Pagan, so when I saw his name flash up across the screen, my heart leaped into my throat.
Mam must have noticed the expression on my face because she held her hand out and said, “Keys.”
I passed them to her and watched as she turned and disappeared into the building before clicking to answer the call and raising the phone to my ear.
My greeting was subdued to say the least. It was weird how, in a matter of hours, I’d gone from despair from not talking to him, straight to dread because I knew what I had to do.
“Congratulations, Aislynn,” he murmured. “You did good.”
I squeezed my eyes closed to stop the onslaught of tears and whispered, “Thanks.”
“How have you been?” he asked.
“Okay,” I replied.
A brief silence ensued, and then he said, “I got caught up in stuff with the boys and their mom. I’ve been out of town—”
“It’s okay,” I whispered, effectively cutting him off. “You don’t need to explain, Aiden. I’m over it.”
“Don’t say that,” he muttered.
I let out a quiet sob and bowed my head. “I’ll be straight, honey. I love you, but I can’t do this with you anymore.”
“Baby,” he croaked.
My heart clenched painfully. “You’re hurting me.”
His sigh was audible as he cut out, “I know, but I’ve got shit goin’ on here that’s takin’ up all my time. Shit happened with my ex, and I’ve been back and forth flyin’ to California, seein’ to the boys, and gettin’ them settled here. I haven’t had time to do shit.”
I crossed my arm across my stomach. “You saw I called, and I know you read my messages.”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “I couldn’t reply. I was sortin’ shit with Bree and dealin’ with my boys.”
My heart sank. “You couldn’t find the time to shoot me a quick message?”
His silence said everything his words didn’t.
The weird thing was, I didn’t need to come first; I didn’t even expect to.
I knew he had two kids who needed him, and it was only right that they took precedence.
I loved him so much that I would’ve taken scraps, but he wasn’t even throwing them at me, and it was sad because I’d gone from being a proud, strong woman to a girl who was grateful for getting far less than she deserved.
It was crazy how low I’d stooped for this man.
Silence thrummed through the line like a living palpable entity. It made me want to lob my phone and watch it smash into tiny pieces just to stop the echo of my own heartbreak pounding through my ears.
“Let me explain,” he asked, his tone almost pleading. “You’re going back to Hambleton tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah,” I breathed, knowing instantly that he’d been checking in on my messages and calls again. In a way, it made me feel better. As weird as it was, he may not have called me, but he cared enough to stalk my damned phone.
“Come to the clubhouse, Dubheasa. We’ll talk.
I’ll explain what’s been happenin’. I’ve got a lot goin’ on, but I don’t wanna close things down with us completely.
We can circle back when things calm down.
It’s there for me, Ash, but I’m gettin’ hit from all sides, and I’m strugglin’ to find the time to give you. ”
My breath caught in my throat, and my mind blanked except for one thought.
I’d always find time for you. No question.
And there it was, the massive elephant in the room. The power in our relationship was unbalanced. I couldn’t keep choosing a man who wouldn’t choose me. I saw the good in him, and I forgave the bad because I was so desperate to hold on.
I’d never stop loving him, but it was time to love myself more.
“I’ll come,” I told him. “But it will have to be tomorrow night.”
“That’s good with me, baby,” he said huskily. “Message me when you’re on your way, and I’ll meet you in the parkin’ lot. We’ll go out on my bike, find somewhere to get a drink, and talk.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “See you tomorrow.” I didn’t wait for his goodbye; instead, I disconnected the call and looked down at my cell phone, weighing it in my hand.
I hated how just hearing his voice made my resolve slip. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but at the same time, I was too afraid to speak the words, because the consequences of them would change everything.
How the hell had I ended up like this? I was accomplished, smart, and I knew my own mind, but I let him walk all over me. Pagan was the man I wanted, but it couldn’t be at the expense of my peace of mind and my self-respect.
I slipped my phone away and headed up to my apartment, where I knew Mam would be waiting for me to spill the beans.
I wasn’t wrong because she was waiting for me in the kitchen area of my living room with a cup of steaming hot Irish tea in hand, which she handed to me in silence as soon as I walked in the door.
“I’m seeing him tomorrow night,” I declared.
She nodded, but she also kept her mouth shut.
“You think it’s a bad idea, don’t you?” I asked flatly, taking the cup from her and sliding onto one of the stools at the breakfast bar.
“I think it’s time for those boundaries, love,” Mam murmured, picking up the other cup of tea from the counter and taking the seat next to mine.
“You’re a shell of the girl you used to be.
You don’t laugh or smile anymore, and it breaks my heart because it’s obvious how unhappy you are.
You’ve passed every test he’s thrown at you.
Now I think it’s time for you to set a few tests of your own. Stop being his doormat.”
I rubbed my temple, suddenly feeling exhausted. “I don’t know how it happened, Mam. Somehow, my attempts to be understanding and prove I could be there for him turned into something else.”
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
“See what tomorrow brings,” I replied, taking a sip of tea. “If Pagan tells me he’ll do better, I’ll give it a go, but if I get more of the same bullshit, I’ll walk.”
“You should run for the hills,” Mam advised.
My forehead creased. “Why?”
“You’re in there, Aislynn; you’re under his skin. Now you have to show him what you’re willing to take, but more to the point, what you’re not willing to take.”
“Boundaries,” I whispered to myself.
Mam smiled, “Exactly.” She shook her head, her eyes skating over my face, and murmured, “I should be telling you to walk away for good, but I know you won’t.
He’s so much like your daddy, it’s uncanny.
The trouble I had with that man when I first met him almost did me in, but I stood my ground and stuck with it, and he made me happy.
I’m not saying it was always easy, but he took me on an adventure, and I never looked back.
I wish that for you, love, but there’s a line, and Aiden’s already sticking his motorcycle boot right over it.
He’ll get my frying pan across his thick skull. ”
For the first time that day, I laughed.
Mam smiled along with me, but after a few seconds, it faded. “Promise me you’ll stand strong, Aislynn. You hold your head high, and when things get too much, don’t be scared to walk away. Sometimes, leaving is the best show of strength there is.”
She was right, and anyway, I’d already made my mind up.
Pagan and I were at a fork in the road, and although I felt as if all my control had been ripped away, I knew if I dug deep, I’d find the strength I needed.
It wasn’t up to me to convince him to love me, but it was up to me to decide what happened if he didn’t, and tomorrow, I’d make that decision, one way or the other.