Chapter 16
PAGAN
Our town, Coal Creek, was small and contained.
We were a suburb situated to the north of Rock Springs, and still relatively untouched by big businesses.
The industrial area the club owned was on the outskirts of town, but Coal Creek was so small that the ride to the stores on Market Street took ten minutes, door to door.
We had a diner, a pizza restaurant, a bakery, and a hardware store.
The only supermarket was a privately owned version of Whole Foods, along with a butchery and a grocer who sold vegetables and fruit.
The rest of the stores mainly consisted of boutiques and gift shops that made a killing during tourist season from the overflow of visitors from Rock Springs.
I’d gone from living in Southern California to a quintessential small town, and I kinda loved it.
There were two things I missed about Cali.
The weather, which was good for year-long riding.
Here in Wyoming, we got all four seasons, but I was a seasoned rider, so navigating snow and ice wasn’t an issue for me.
More importantly, I missed my boys, but now that they’d made the move here, I was definitely more settled.
We’d flown out of San Diego the morning after the showdown with Bree.
Three days later, I’d flown back because the house was hit in a drive-by shooting, during which Bree had caught a bullet to her hip.
Her boyfriend, Kev, and two of his buddies hadn’t been so lucky.
They were all pronounced dead at the scene.
It took a few days for Bree to be released from the hospital.
The problem was, it was the day she moved into the throwing-up stage of drug withdrawal, so I couldn’t get her straight on a plane.
As usual, Gabe’s mom, Paola, came through for me, and I holed up there with her for a few days, during which time I’d arranged for her to get counseling with a shrink over in Hambleton who had come highly recommended.
He spent an hour with her and gave me some recommendations for rehab centers, which I had to spend time checking out because I needed to opt for one with decent medical facilities that could deal with Breanna’s gunshot wound, as well as wean her off the smack.
It was hard to find a facility that would give her pain meds while weaning her off drugs, but I eventually found a place in Nebraska that could help.
That took up a week of my time, then I got back and saw to the boys, and before I knew it, ten whole fucking days had passed, and I hadn’t spoken to Aislynn. Yeah, I got her messages, but it was always when I was either riding, in a meeting with a doctor, or trying to deal with Rex and Rome.
Every time, I promised myself I’d call her later, but it never seemed to be the right moment.
In the midst of everything, I’d even lost track of Ash’s last day at work; it was Cruise who’d told me that Tristan had flown down to Denver with Maeve and Maureen O’Shea to take her out to dinner.
As soon as it hit me what day it was, I knew I’d have to pick up the phone, but a part of me didn’t want to face it because I knew what I’d done wasn’t right.
But what was I supposed to do? Abandon my boys’ mother?
Rock, meet goddamned hard place.
Honestly, a part of me resented having to help Bree.
If my own mother was any indication, Bree would relapse as soon as she got out of rehab.
It seemed like a complete waste of time to pay out thousands of dollars to have her seen to, only for her to throw it back in my face as soon as she got out, but when my boys came to me and asked for a loan so they could pay for their mom to get help, it tugged at something inside me that I thought had died years before.
My goddamned conscience.
That was when the guilt about Aislynn kicked in, too.
I just didn’t know how I was meant to put time into a relationship when time was something I didn’t have.
My sleep was still sporadic, and my health was in the toilet.
Even finding an hour to spend in the gym was proving impossible.
My kids were living on diner food, pizza, and takeout, and I hadn’t even had time to look for a house for us.
Something was becoming clear.
Right girl, wrong time.
But the thought of her not being around made my gut ache.
Still, I knew it wasn’t fair to keep her dangling on a string because, it was like she said, I was hurting her. Usually, I wouldn’t have a fuck to give. I’d take what I wanted and say to hell with her feelings, but Aislynn was proving to be very different from any other woman I’d known.
And maybe that was part of the problem, too.
Did I want to leave myself vulnerable to a woman?
It wasn’t like any of them could be trusted.
For the last thirty minutes, Bootneck and Castle had been giving me a rundown of the businesses, and I hadn’t heard a word. Since my call with Aislynn the evening before, I couldn’t get my mind off what I was supposed to do next.
I knew I needed to put things on ice; I just didn’t know how. In my experience, women didn’t take kindly to rejection, and it wasn’t even like I wanted to end things for good. I just needed a break until everything else was more settled.
But selling that to her and asking her to wait was akin to having my cake and eating it, and I knew a girl like Ash wouldn’t like that one bit. She put up with a lot from me, but there was a limit, which I already knew I was riding dangerously close to.
Castle’s deep rumble pulled back into the conversation. “Are you listenin’?”
I sucked air in through my nose and sat straighter on my barstool. “I’m exhausted, brother. Can’t help zonin’ out.”
“You need to sleep,” Bootneck announced.
“No shit, Sherlock,” I deadpanned over the rim of my coffee mug. “Tell my fuckin’ brain that.”
“Go rest up,” he returned.
“Can’t. Aislynn will be here in a couple of hours.”
Castle’s head reared back slightly. “You still together? Thought you’d ended things. I haven’t seen her around for weeks.”
“And when exactly am I supposed to fit her in?” I retorted. “Between runnin’ this place, sortin’ the sheriff’s shit out in town, or maybe between callin’ around rehab centers for my boys’ mom ’cause she’s a ravin’ fuckin’ drug addict?”
“Whoa!” Castle exclaimed, holding his hands up defensively. “Wasn’t a criticism, more of an observation.”
“Right.” I backed off because I knew I was overreacting. I’d been snapping at my brothers a lot recently. I was tired and frustrated, and I knew I was taking my shit out on them.
I also knew it had to stop.
“Ignore me. I’m tired,” I muttered before draining my coffee cup.
“Well, I guess that’s as close to an apology as I’ll get, so I’ll take it.” He dipped his chin to catch my eyes. “What can I do to help?”
“Just keep pickin’ up the slack, brother. You’re both doing me a solid, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed.”
“What are you gonna do about Ash?” Bootneck asked.
I leveled him with a look.
Lately, I’d gotten the distinct impression that he didn’t approve of Ash and me. I didn’t know why; maybe he noticed that I wasn’t treating her right, or maybe he was witnessing my slow decline. Either way, it was pissing me off.
“What do you think I should do?” I challenged.
His eyes darted between mine, and he must’ve read me right because he heaved out a breath.
“I see you gettin’ pressure from all angles, Pagan, and I worry you’re gonna snap.
You’re on a knife-edge, and sooner or later, someone else is gonna end up like Rodeo did ’cause everythin’ will come on top and you’ll lose the plot.
I don’t want that person to be Aislynn. There’ll be no comin’ back from that. ”
The thought of hurting my Dubheasa made my throat burn. “I’d never hurt Aislynn.”
“You’re not sleepin’,” he reminded me. “And you still haven’t gone to the Vet Center to get help. I know you haven’t had time, and I get it, but if you fall asleep next to her and wake up while you’re in a fuckin’ flashback, who knows what could happen?”
I opened my mouth to object, but he waved me off.
“I’m not sayin’ this to be a cunt, brother.
I’m sayin’ it to try to help. I like Aislynn, but you gotta take care of yourself first, if you wanna take care of everyone else.
There’s only so much a man can take before the pressure hits boilin’ point.
Look at your priorities and take it from there. ”
Castle shrugged. “Not often I say this, but Boot’s gotta point.”
My shoulders slumped defeatedly because they were right. “I don’t wanna end things with Aislynn. I just need her to chill for now. It feels wrong to ask her to take a step back. I’ve fucked her around far too much already.”
Castle drained his coffee and then checked his watch. “Just be honest with her. She’s cool; she’ll get it.” He pushed away from the bar and jerked his thumb toward the offices. “Gotta go arrange delivery for the buildin’ supplies comin’ tomorrow.”
I stared after him, deep in thought.
“What are you so worried about?” Boot asked.
“I’m not worried about shit,” I told him defensively.
“Do what Nox does with Rox. Make it her idea to back off.”
My face twisted. “What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”
“Let her catch you in a compromisin’ position.
That way, it’ll be her idea to take a step back instead of you bein’ the bad guy.
Give it a couple of weeks, then send her some flowers, buy her candy, arrange a dinner, and she’ll be eatin’ outta your hand again after some time’s gone by and things have calmed down. ”
“That’s a terrible idea,” I muttered. “Ash isn’t Roxanne. She’ll flip.”
“Initially, yeah, but what can she say, really? It’s not like she’s your ol’ lady. You’ve never made any promises or commitments to her. She’ll be angry initially, but you’ll make it right. I can set it up for ya later. Just leave it with me.”