Chapter 30
“It doesn’t sound crazy. I feel his presence too.”
I stand and begin to pace his surprisingly cozy living room, the pull I have to him now is undeniable. Everything here smells good—like Rowan—and hearing how twisted my view was of what happened all those years ago is making me feel totally out of control right now. Knowing he didn’t use me, that he didn’t hurt me for no good reason, shows me I have no cause to stop these feelings I’ve been trying to fight.
“Jacob and I always had a silent connection. Even with him gone I can still feel it. The night you wound up in my burn unit, something about seeing you lying there, so many burns, so many marks, but his name and the hawk on your arm left untouched, made me think of him and I just felt you were there for a reason.”
I run my sweaty palms over my jeans.
“And to find out after all this time that you felt the same way, that you didn’t want Kyleigh over me?” I blurt out, Rowan scoffs.
“I only wanted you. You were just so quick to believe I didn’t.”
“Because we never made sense on paper. It was just easier to believe you used me,” I whisper, before turning back to face him. Rowan just looks at me, hesitates for all of one second, and then before I have time to prepare, he’s moving closer, dissolving the space between us in just two long strides. His hands circle my waist bringing our bodies together. A low growl leaves his chest as he leans into me, his lips only inches from mine. My breath hitches.
“Why wouldn’t it make sense, Vi?” He whispers as he walks us backward slowly until I’m pressed against the living room wall, his thumbs grazing my waist. “Because you’re brilliant?” They slide up my back and I shiver. “Because you’re incredible? Sexy as hell?” He leans in even closer and I’d buckle if he wasn’t practically holding me up.
“Because you’re so beautiful that just looking into your eyes throws me completely off my game every damn time?” He lets go of my waist with one hand and brings it up to graze his thumb over my cheek. As he does something catches my eye on his inner forearm, the one that isn’t burned. It’s barely visible but I see it. Tucked right up under the wings of the hawk he has for my brother are two small symbols. A tiny p+ and e-. My stomach drops. I grasp his arm for a better view.
“The symbols for protons and electrons?” I whisper. “You got a tattoo? Of our symbols?
I look up to Rowan’s eyes. His IV was in his hand in the hospital, and I tried so hard to avoid looking at that damn hawk tattoo that I never noticed…
“Jacob was my biggest loss, and you were a part of that, we were a part of that. When I added his tattoo, it was only fitting that you had a place under his wings. I wanted you there. You were always in the back of my mind. I didn’t regret what I did for Jacob and for you, but I did regret losing you.”
I suck in a breath. I’m not sure I’ve ever been as taken aback as I am now. He’s had a representation of me? Of us? On his body for years? I run my fingers over it and my mouth turns to sand with his admission.
“How long?” I ask trying to keep my composure.
“Since he died,” he admits, and I swallow, speechless.
“I never made it clear enough back then, so I’m about to now.” Rowan tilts his head, his eyes roam over my face as if he’s drinking in my expression, like he’s studying my reaction to his touch. “For the last ten years, your face is the face I see. No matter who I’m with, no matter who I meet. When I fell in that ash pit, the last face that flashed through my mind was yours.”
“Please…” I whisper, but I can’t decide what I’m asking for. If I want him to stop or keep going, because even though his words are heavy, they’re also deeply satisfying.
“These eyes? The way they turn dark and needy like this when I’m so close to you… Goddamn, they downright torture me.” He bends down and kisses me on the cheek, his lips linger there for a second and I shiver.
Rowan runs his knuckles over my jaw, then down to my neck as his thumb comes up to trace my bottom lip.
“And these lips, I fucking dream about how these lips taste.” The weight of his stare on my mouth is heavy. “I’ve never forgotten. These lips are enough to make me hard all on their own.” He kisses me on my other cheek, and I clench my thighs together in desperation.
Rowan presses his body into mine and I whimper as he brings both hands up to gently grip my face, his fingers sliding to the back of my neck, weaving into my hair. Every piece of clothing I’m wearing is weighted against my skin, the music from his vinyl has ended and the only sound is the crickets outside his window.
My eyes trace the features of his face and my breath is shallow as I watch his throat work to swallow. I move my gaze up to his lips, silently begging for them to be on mine.
This man who hurt me, who I thought used me, I find out now after ten years that he didn’t. He put mine and my brother’s potential future before his own wants and needs? The truth spreads through me and I realize not only do I forgive him, but right now, all I want is to kiss him. God, do I want to kiss him .
“I don’t know if you’re ready to take another chance on me, Violette.” His voice is low and full of gravel.
His words cause an unraveling. I drop my eyes to his lips, anticipating,
“ Fuck it —I’m taking it anyway,” he says just before his mouth is on mine. He groans into me the second our lips touch. The ten years between our last kiss and right now evaporate into thin air, like they never existed in the first place. The deep connection that’s still between us is the kind of spark that risks setting us both on fire. He lingers for a moment, just tasting me as he grips the back of my neck and tilts my head for better access. I let him in, and the second that I do, I know the exquisite sink of his tongue into my mouth will be my undoing.
His kiss quickly turns from gentle to claiming and desperate, as if I might choose to push him away at any second. His tongue moves in a way that tells me he wants to savor me, and I move with him, searching his mouth as he searches mine. For the first time in ten years, I feel wanted and complete in a way only Rowan can offer.
He pulls his head back slightly and licks a soft trail across my bottom lip as I fist his T-shirt, pulling him in as close to me as I can. Another groan leaves his lips and I remember that he’s injured.
“Did that hurt you?” I ask breathlessly.
Rowan chuckles before his mouth is on mine again, and several moments pass before we come up for air. His broad palms slide down and grip my ass through my jeans as he pulls me tight to him, so tight that I can feel him hard and pressing into my abdomen. I whimper when I feel his size, I knew he was big, I remember he felt big. But now that I’ve had some life experience, I know he would fill me like I’ve never been filled, and that thought is making quick work of soaking my panties.
“You could cut my fucking leg off right now, Vi, and I wouldn’t stop.”
“Noted,” I murmur with a smile into his plush, delicious lips as he kisses me. His hands continue their slide over every part of me, kneading my body. My curves fit into his hands in a way that makes me feel confident, worshiped, and beautiful. I reach my hands up around his shoulders and lose my fingers to the strands of hair at the nape of his neck, tugging him even closer as I kiss him back. I’m half clinging to him, half clinging to the safety of the cliff where I’ve tucked my feelings for him away for ten years. My thoughts narrow to only two.
What am I doing? And, my God, please, don’t let him stop.
Our hurried breath is the only sound between us, and it’s steady and in sync as Rowan’s hand slides up over my ribs to find my nipples hard and begging for his touch. He toys with one through my T-shirt. A deep groan rolls through his chest as his lips move to my neck, the spot under my ear that sends a shiver through my whole body. He bites me gently there as he plucks at my nipple. The slight pain mixed with pleasure causes me to jolt in his arms. Just as quickly as he nips at me, he kisses over the sting.
“These sounds you make…they’re going to be the death of me,” he whispers as he gently slides his hands under my shirt. I don’t hesitate, I help him, wanting him as much as he wants me. Rowan doesn’t miss a beat, he lifts my shirt off over my head and then backs up slightly, taking a moment to look over every inch of me in just my bra and my jeans.
“ Fuck …” he mutters as he moves back in, his lips on mine, growing urgent, moving his tongue with mine in a steady, calculated pace that might make me come all on its own. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Vi,” he whispers as his fingers find my pebbled nipples again, teasing me through the lace of my bra.
I angle my hips into him, searching for any sort of friction as he pulls my bra down to expose my breasts. His mouth finds a nipple, and I grip his hair tighter, my head lolling back against the living room wall.
“Rowan…” I moan his name for the first time since we laid on Fraser Beach and it fuels him as he moves to my other breast and takes that nipple into his mouth next.
“Goddamn, I’ve missed the sound of my name on your lips…say it again.”
“Rowan…” I whimper, grinding my hips to push my pussy into his uninjured thigh.
“So needy, Vi…fuck, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it.” He chuckles as he uses his thumb and forefinger to pop the button on my jeans, and then before I know what’s happening he’s on his knees in front of me, pulling my jeans from my body and tossing them aside. His lips move in a torturous pace up the inside of my thighs as his hands grasp any part of me that he can reach.
When I look down at him he’s steady between my legs, looking up at me, watching the way my body quakes for him. Desire rolls through me with just that sight alone. I moan as his nose skims over my wet panties and he grips my ass tighter, pulling me closer, pressing his face into me and inhaling a long deep breath.
“Fucking Christ, Violette, everything about you is just as perfect as I always imagined.” He breathes me in again, and I start to pant. “The way you sound”—he slides his hands over my skin—“the way you feel”—his nose skims my clit through my panties as he inhales deeply again, looking up at me like he can't believe he’s holding me—“fuck, even the way you smell.”
I grip his hair tighter and whimper as his words do something to me I can’t quite explain.
“I bet you taste like perfection too, don’t you, Vi?”
“M-maybe,” I whimper as he dots kisses along the inside of my thigh.
“Fuck, I want to taste you,” he murmurs with that lopsided smirk as he presses his lips to my clit through the thing layer of cotton.
“Pleeease, ” I beg, feeling like I’m on fire for him as he moves my panties aside, sliding his finger through my soaking slit.
“ Fuck, yes,” he groans when he finds me absolutely soaked for him.
His eyes move rapidly over every part of me.
My eyes roll back and I know I’m completely at his mercy. I want whatever Rowan Kingsley will offer me. And, oh yeah, that cliff I was clinging to? I just let go. I figure if I drown in him, so be it. At least I’ll know I took the deepest breath I could before I went under.
“This pretty little dripping cunt, so fucking wet, so ready for my tongue.” His tone churns my insides with want and need as he slowly pushes one finger into me, then just as slowly pulls it out and licks it clean. The groan that comes from his throat as he does has me pushing my pussy into his face.
I jump when my phone vibrates loudly in my purse. Rowan freezes as it stops ringing and then starts again. I can see the need in his eyes, the want. It reflects my own, he’s barely even had a chance to touch me.
“Shit. Sorry, shit…” I whisper, breathing heavily as Rowan stands.
I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. “I have to answer it.”