10. Cassie
10
CASSIE
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Any of it. All of it. It’s getting overwhelming for me now, too intense, too much to handle. I want to stop, but since we’ve been moving for what must have been hours now, I don’t want it all to be for nothing. We need to remain alive after fighting so hard. I don’t think I’ve ever fought so hard in my life.
The sweat runs off both of us. The panting is desperate and aching, killing us from the inside out, but Benji has a determined look on his face. I can tell by the way his eyebrows knot together and his cheeks stain with redness. I wonder what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, what’s going to happen next. If he’s giving up on me, then I’ll give up too.
“What are we doing?” I can’t stand the silence. It’s too intense. “What’s the plan? Do you even have one?”
He glances around, pointedly ignoring me. At least, that’s how it feels. “I think that this might be a good spot.”
“A good spot for what?” I follow his eye line. Sure, there’s a little clearing here, which is nice for a change, but…
“For us to camp.” Benji drops his backpack on the dirt. “For us to get some rest and give those guys time to tire themselves out. I don’t know if they’re going to give up or not, but I can’t imagine them coming this way. We can plan a way out from here in the morning when we’re refreshed and we have clearer heads. We can still get to the motel afterward, a different way around, as long as they aren’t surrounding that fucking place. I don’t want to fight with those assholes again.”
He shakes his head sadly, and I get a strong sense that he doesn’t like the fighting as much as the deaths shook me. If he isn’t keen on killing and he did it anyway, then he did it for me. He did that to keep me alive. We’re both going to suffer from this.
“Those men,” I gasp out as I bend forward to grab onto my knees to try and get some air into my lungs. “They were so much bigger than Alex. They were going to rip me to shreds, I can’t even imagine… oh, my God, I can’t even imagine.”
I begin shaking painfully as this washes over me. There’s no telling what the gang would have done to me, and it’s fucking terrifying. It’s absolutely petrifying. I can’t stand it. I thought that Alex was a scary guy, but he was nothing compared to them. He really was just a small-time criminal with no idea what the hell he was getting himself in for. My God, he was going to end up dead whatever, so why the hell did he even get himself involved? Why would he do that? What a fucking idiot.
“Can I speak to my father?” I ask Benji sadly, now really needing a familiar voice in my ear. “Can I call him? Just quickly.”
There’s a beat of silence, one that lasts far too long and leaves me reeling in anxiety. This isn’t going to happen. He isn’t going to allow me to speak to my family, I know it before he even opens his mouth and starts explaining things to me.
“That isn’t a good idea. I’m sorry, I do understand your frustration, but a cellphone signal could lead the gang to us if they have a way to track it. I can’t say that they definitely do have that, but we need to be careful. We fought too hard to lose now. We have to be quiet, we have to remain still and in position. We need to follow the plan that I’ve set in place…”
Disappointment crushes me, but I understand what he’s saying to me. I can’t wreck what we have gone so far to achieve. I’m going to have to give it time before I can let my family know how I’m doing. My siblings, my kid brothers and sisters. I want them to know that I’m alive most of all. I don’t want them lying up at night worrying about me any longer. It’s frustrating, but I suppose I’ll have to allow one more night of worry before we all can finally be reunited and back in each other’s lives.
“But my boss will be in touch with your family,” Benji continues in an attempt to reassure me. “He will be talking to them the entire time to keep them reassured, and my boss is a good guy. He knows how to keep people calm in this sort of situation.”
I try to accept this, but I can only picture everyone stressing out for different reasons. It makes me feel all tense inside, like knots are forming in the pit of my stomach, like my organs are boiling in a pit of poison. Everything is bubbling and agonizing. I wonder if Benji can see the way that my face is struggling to comprehend some boss of Benji’s being good for my dad…
Although Benji is a good guy, I get that feeling already, so maybe the person he works for is awesome as well. I just… don’t like being out of control of everything. I don’t like not knowing what’s going on with my family. I don’t like being out in the world without any kind of link keeping me fixed in one place. All my big talk about wanting to explore the world, and I guess I can’t handle it. Not that this is the way I wanted to experience the world, of course. I don’t think anyone would like this.
“Can I call them when we get back to the motel, then?” I ask Benji instead. “I just want them to know I’m alive.”
“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Benji insists. “As soon as it’s safe to do so, you can call them. I know you must be desperate. I can’t imagine how it is not to speak to your family. Especially in this situation. It’s a really challenging one.”
He grabs something out of his bag and hands it to me. It’s food. I didn’t even realize how hungry I was until the moment something edible was put in my hands. Now I’m aching to eat it. I probably eat much faster than I would normally, but my gut is screaming. I can’t remember the last time that I had food slide down my throat. Long before all of this started.
But I haven’t even thought about it, and maybe I wouldn’t have done so if Benji wasn’t here for me, caring about me.
“I’m going to set up the tent here now,” Benji assures me. “Because this is where we’re going to sleep, right?”
I nod, accepting this easily now. It isn’t like I have any other choice. Benji has made a decision and I’m going to have to trust him to take care of me. If my father hired his company, hired this man, then maybe I should just sit back and let him do what he knows is best. He’s the expert, after all. I have no idea what’s going on here. This isn’t something I’m used to. I’ve never even been camping before, not even in some kind of normal situation. This couldn’t be more alien to me.
“Is a tent the best idea?” I suddenly ask as I see it coming into view. “Won’t this attract attention? If anyone from the gang sees a tent, they will know that we’re inside it, right? It isn’t exactly like there are a lot of people camping.”
“There are a lot of dangers in the jungle.” Benji gives me a bit of a side-eyed look. “So, we need to be protected. I understand that it might be a risk, but it’s better than exposure to the elements and the animals around. Plus, the color is camouflage anyway, so I don’t think we’ll end up being that easy to find. Unless someone stumbles across this place, we will be okay.”
I know that Benji wants me to be confident in what he’s telling me, he doesn’t want me to be afraid, but I can’t help it. Fear is still creeping through my veins, making its icy presence known. I honestly don’t know if I’ll stop being scared for the rest of my life. I can’t remember what it felt like to just be normal, to be in my home thinking about usual life stresses such as what job I’m going to get to finally stretch my wings and fly. Like trying to find my place in the world. Such as what’s next for me… and not just what’s next in the following moment to keep me alive, but how I’ll exist in the future. What my life will be…
“Do you need a hand putting up the tent?” I don’t know how, but I’ll try my best. “I don’t like sitting around here doing nothing. I can assist you in one way or another.” I rise to my feet. “Just guide me, and I’ll do what I can.”
“I’m nearly done.” Benji shoots me a smile. “Don’t worry, I’m used to doing this. I can do it quickly.”
As if to prove his own point, he whips around and gets the tent done in seconds. “Wow, that’s impressive.”
“Well, before I worked in security, I was a Navy SEAL. So, I really am used to doing all of this. It’s what I do.”
Oh, wow, now that is impressive. That’s shocking me to my core. I’ve never met a person who’s been in the military before, but it explains a lot. It shows why he’s more accustomed to all of this, why he knows what he’s doing, why I need to listen.
I want to ask him about his time as a Navy SEAL, but as soon as I open my mouth to do so, I remember the people Benji’s fought and killed today. I don’t know if I can hear more stories like that. It’ll be too much for me. I’m sheltered, I always have been, and he’s completely removed from that in every way possible. I’ve seen nothing and he’s witnessed everything. He’s seen the depths of the world, death, all kinds of horrors, things that I can’t even begin to imagine. I don’t want to know any of it.
“Do you want to go inside or wait until I have it all set up?” He laughs. “I don’t mind either way.”
I poke my head inside the tent with a small smile playing on my lips. This is more than a little absurd. I feel like I’m stepping into a fancy hotel or something where I’ll be staying for the night, not into Benji’s tent in the middle of the jungle where both of our lives still might be in danger. That must be the effect that Benji has on me.
“A little small,” I comment as a tease. “But I think I can make it work. With a few touches here and there.”
He moves into the tent, sliding past me as he goes. The heat of his body races all the way through me, bringing those butterflies back to the pit of my stomach. My pulse picks up a notch too. I feel like I’m losing all control of my body just because he’s near me. I don’t know how we are going to lie in this small space together all night long, but I suppose we have to try. I’m going to have to keep myself in check, whatever these weird feelings are. I can’t act in a certain way because I’m worried that I won’t get another chance. My life is going to continue from here. It’s going to be fine…