Chapter 38
MAE
“I love it. This is so exciting. But you need to eat.”
I reached for a handful of popcorn when my mother slapped my hand.
“Real food.”
“But it’s white cheddar,” I protested.
“Regardless. Take a break. You’ve been working since we got home. Your dad went down to the bar. Should we join him and grab some dinner?”
I gave her a look as my mother wiped the kitchen table for the hundredth time today.
“I can’t eat popcorn but chicken fingers and fries is perfectly acceptable?”
“So much sass since you went to France,” she teased. “I haven’t had a chance to go to the store yet. Where do you want to eat?”
Not the bar.
Since last night, my mind was in overdrive. About Beck. About my future. As much as I wanted to see him… to text him… I held off. A day or two away would be a good way to clear my head.
I glanced at my laptop. “What if we get takeout?”
My mother looked at the laptop as if it were going to bite her. “You need a break from that thing. It’ll hurt your eyes, staring at that little screen all day.”
“Jules is screwed then,” I mumbled. As a writer, she pretty much spent her life staring at a little screen.
“How is Jules?” my mother asked, sitting down for the first time all afternoon.
“Good. Just grinding away, living the dream.” Actually that wasn’t exactly true. “I’m trying to convince her to send her manuscript to an agent but she’s terrified, for some reason.”
“I would imagine she’s put pieces of her into that story she’s been working on for so many years. That has to be a scary, and very vulnerable, thing to do. Sharing it.”
My mother, very much an older version of me, always said the wisest things.
I thought maybe it was from meeting so many people throughout the years, collecting wisdom from them.
Or maybe it was from her mother. Unfortunately, my grandmother had died before I was born. I wish I could have gotten to know her.
“Speaking of scary.” I looked at the open page on my screen. “How do I know if I’m making the right decision?”
Mom sighed. “You asked me the same question when you went off to France. And again when you got engaged and decided to stay. Do you remember what I told you?”
I thought back to both of those instances. “That I could only make the best decision that felt right in my gut. Whether it was right or wrong remained to be seen. And at least one of them turned out to be the wrong one. Did you know that at the time and just not tell me?”
My mother reached for my hand. It was more wrinkled than I remembered, reminding me that our time together wasn’t infinite.
“It wasn’t that I didn’t tell you. Did I think your engagement to Mathieu was quick? Yes. Did I worry about you? And want you to come home instead? Of course. But I also raised you to think for yourself. Be your own woman. Not a carbon copy of me. So it didn’t work out. And what happened?”
I made a sound of disgust. “My life was upended. My heart was broken.”
She didn’t say a word. Was I supposed to glean some tidbit of wisdom from her silence? I had nothing.
“And then?” she prompted.
“I came home.” And began to heal. And discovered that my best friend was in love with me.
Part of me wanted to tell my mother, but I held back.
My life was heading in a direction that, now that the boulder had been dislodged, was rolling downhill.
I couldn’t stop it. Didn’t want to stop it, even though it was as scary as Jules sending her life’s work off to someone who might tell her they hated it.
“You came home. Exactly.”
“I feel like I’m missing something.”
Mom glanced at my more than half-eaten bag of popcorn. “Probably lack of nutrients.”
I laughed as she let go of my hand.
“I am getting a little hungry,” I admitted.
“How about we go to The Big Easy? You always liked the red beans and rice special on Sundays.”
My stomach growled. “Let me go change quick,” I said, the sweats I was wearing not going to cut it for public consumption. I headed upstairs to my room, thinking about my mother’s question.
And then?
It wasn’t until I changed and was fixing my hair that her meaning came to me.
I came home and began to heal. I surrounded myself with friends and family.
Got involved, or whatever you called it, with Beck.
I made the wrong decision, getting engaged to a man I didn’t truly know.
Not as well as I should have, to commit my life to him.
It turned out to be the wrong decision, so I’d changed course.
And survived.
Was I making the right decision now?
That was yet to be seen.
* * *
How was your day?
I waited until now to text Beck, wondering if I’d hear from him at all.
But I guessed he was serious about the whole “give you time” thing.
It just felt odd, to be a few miles from him and not talk at all.
My mom wanted to stop by the bar after dinner, but I convinced her to have a proper girls-only night since Dad already ate at O’Malley’s.
But enough was enough.
Busy, getting us back open. You?
I looked at the time, unsure if he was closing or not tonight.
Good. Spent the night with Mom.
He texted back immediately.
I heard. Red beans and rice?
I sent him a thumbs up.
Now what?
My plans weren’t something I wanted to text him. We needed a real-life discussion for that.
Still at the bar?
He sent a thumbs down.
So not closing.
In bed?
Soon. Shower first.
Oh boy.
The thought of Beck standing in his bedroom, or bathroom, about to shower, was an image I didn’t need just before I was going to attempt to sleep.
Wide awake now, I sat up.
Interesting.
I waited for his response, the same mixture of excitement and uncertainty as the last time making it pretty much a guarantee I wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon.
Oh yeah? How so?
So we were doing this.
Maybe we shouldn’t.
Maybe it muddied the waters.
Fuck it.
Just over here trying to picture where you are exactly.
He sent a devil so I fired back an angel.
While I waited for a response, a pic came through. Holy shit.
Beck was standing in front of his mirror, clearly naked, but he’d cropped the shot at his waist.
Tease.
Takes one to know one.
If I was doing this, might as well do it right.
Putting my phone aside, I tossed off my shirt, got under the covers, and pulled them up just enough. Then, angling the phone, I took the selfie and, before giving myself time to think it through… I sent it.
FUCK.
And then…
You’re killing me, Mae.
It was only fair play, and I told him so.
You got me off like this so… just trying to return the favor.
I waited. Thought back to the night at Grado Valley. It was just as much fun being on the other end, imagining Beck responding to my texts.
Wouldn’t be the first time.
Wait, what?
First time…?
I’ve done this. Thinking of you.
Ohmygod. I wanted details. But first…
Are you touching yourself?
Did I really ask that?
Hell yeah.
Good.
I pressed record. “Do you know how hot you look, standing in front of that mirror? I wish I was there, in front of you. I wonder, have you ever imagined me on my knees, looking up at you…”
I sent that before starting another.
Maybe he was right. I was being a bit of a tease. And it was fun.
“I take your dick in my mouth, a little at a time. And then deeper, and deeper, and deeper. Your grip on my hair tightens as you pull me into you. But I don’t mind because I know you’re close.”
Send.
One more.
“Finally, you can’t hold on any longer, and you explode in my mouth. I take it. Every. Last. Drop.”
Send.
I wait. Imagine him. And finally get a message in return. A voice memo.
“Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Are you for real, woman? Do you have any idea how hard I came just now? If you were here with me… damn.”
I smiled.
I’d like to be there with him and told Beck so.
You sure we need this break?
It took him a few minutes to reply back.
Mae, I’m not sure about anything these days.
Join the club.
We do need to talk.
Lunch tomorrow?
If you want.
I do.
I wanted lunch. And to see him. And to do that again. Smiling, I lay back down. Big things were on the horizon, and I was more than a little afraid to make another life-altering decision when my last one proved to be a big-time mistake.
But it was time.
Tomorrow, I’d lay it all on the line.
Texting “good night,” I put my phone on the nightstand and closed my eyes. Sleep was going to be elusive.