Chapter 9
9
Cole
G ods, it felt as if his chest would cave in any minute. The sheer mountain he needed to scale in order to reach Kai’s heart loomed over him taller than the trees high above him. Cole struggled with his wolf, especially when he heard the scream of Kai’s fox. The desire to return to Kai’s side deepened his pain, but he couldn’t give in. At every turn Kai stabbed him, not literally, but sometimes Cole felt the urge to check for a deep gouge where his heart beat against his rib cage.
Leaves crackled behind him, and Cole knew Kai had followed. It gave him a momentary sense of pleasure, one which he shoved away, refusing to give in to the hope he’d been foolish enough to let blind him. What had he expected? Kai didn’t even know him. He’d met Cole less than a week ago. Yet somehow he’d thought the mating bond would make a difference. How could he have been so na?ve? Cole shook his head and caught the scent of a rabbit. Feral instincts kicked in, and he spun on his hind legs, darting after the furry creature. Thoughts of Kai faded behind the glory of the chase. He raced through bushes and around tree trunks, twigs snapping, branches scratching over his body. The smell of fear from the hare only further incensed his wolf. His teeth snapped shut, and the sound of bone crunching echoed through his skull. The delicious taste of blood slid over his tongue, and he lay down where he was, heaving yet victorious.
Cole remained conscious in his wolf form, but allowed his wolf control for the time being. When Kai appeared from between two trees, his wolf scented the air, and Cole could sense his wolf’s immediate desire, his own buried in there with it. Cole struggled to regain power, ignoring the intense urge to say to hell with it and let go, allow the mating to happen no matter what Kai wanted, but he knew he couldn’t take away Kai’s choice. It would make him no better than whoever had abused and tormented his mate before. Instead, Cole severed the rabbit in half and picked up part of it. He crept toward Kai, placed the hare on the ground in front of him, and returned to his own meal.
He watched Kai sniff the offering and then sit down on his hind quarters, tilting his head to the side in a quizzical manner. Cole realized Kai had no idea what to do with the rabbit. Even his fox’s instincts were stunted. Grunting, Cole bit into the meatiest portion, holding the animal in place with his paws, and tore away a piece to eat. Kai’s eyes widened and Cole saw disgust overtake Kai’s features. He took another bite and another until the only things remaining were bones and some fur. His wolf gave a huffing laugh when Kai pushed the other half toward him with one delicate black paw.
Ignoring the kill, Cole stood and approached Kai. Cole bumped against him, rubbing his neck along Kai’s. Joy struck him as Kai returned the affection, an almost purring sound issuing from the fox’s throat. Cole nipped playfully at Kai’s ear, licking the nonexistent wound when Kai growled. The smell of Kai’s fur, the feel of it on his, made him long even more for the day he could call Kai his own. He wanted nothing more than to have his mate by his side, loving him. The unwanted thought of what his life would be like if Kai left at the end of the month crowded into his mind. Everything would become dull, gray, ugly. Could he stand to let Kai go? He couldn’t keep Kai locked away, not after what happened to him before. The scars on Kai’s neck stood out in all their garish ugliness, and Cole knew he could never imprison his mate. If it came time to let him go, he would. He could do nothing else.
He shoved away any thoughts of Kai leaving and lapped at Kai’s muzzle before he turned and trotted a few feet from Kai. Stopping, he glanced over his shoulder, tossing his head as though to say follow me. When Kai stood, Cole danced several more feet from him, and each time Kai advanced closer, he would dart away again. As soon as he saw the light of understanding on Kai’s face, Cole spun and dashed through the trees, satisfaction creeping in when he heard Kai pursuing him. Every thousand yards, Cole would stop, allowing Kai the chance to catch him, only to flee at the last second. He led Kai on a merry chase for several miles. Pure happiness sang through his blood. When he’d found Kai in Phoenix, Cole had believed he might never get this time with Kai. The damage to Kai’s psyche and body made him skeptical of even getting close enough to fight off the demons haunting Kai.
Finally, not far from the pack manor, Cole allowed Kai to catch him, panting in pleasure as Kai tumbled him to the soft leafy floor of the forest. He lay pinned beneath Kai, letting Kai remain in power. Surprise shafted through him when Kai leaned down and lapped at the fur along his throat. Cole couldn’t stop the low sound his wolf issued or the reaction of his body. Kai rocked against him and Cole squeezed his eyes shut, close to losing control of his wolf. When Kai repeated the action, Cole rolled them, forcing Kai to hold still. It took every ounce of his willpower to control himself and his wolf. He shifted, knowing he couldn’t hold on much longer in animal form, his instincts too strong. Once human again, Cole threw himself off to the side of Kai, chest heaving from lust and exertion.
A flash of light behind his lids alerted him to Kai shifting. “Cole?” Kai queried softly.
Cole kept his eyes closed and threw his arm over his face, hiding the sheer desire raging through him. His cock made a hard spike within his jeans. There could be no mistaking the bulge pressing at the fly and no way Kai couldn’t smell the tangy scent of salty liquid dampening his briefs. A groan broke free when Kai laid a hand on his chest; the heat of his palm burned Cole through his shirt. “Don’t,” he rasped between clenched teeth.
Kai removed his hand. “What’s wrong?”
Good gods. Cole wanted nothing more than to beat the everliving shit out of whoever had kept Kai locked away from the world. For Kai to not understand what was happening to Cole was pure torture. “I need a minute.”
“Are you hurt?” Kai asked, concern evident in his voice.
Cole gave a mirthless laugh. If only it were something that simple. “No.”
A frustrated sound came from Kai. “Then why can’t I touch you?”
The thin thread holding his sanity in place snapped. Cole dropped the arm covering his face, opened his eyes, and grabbed hold of Kai’s hand, dragging it over the harder than steel prick beneath his jeans. “That’s why,” he growled.
Kai started in shock, eyes widening. Cole sneered and released his hold on Kai, expecting him to withdraw from him as if on fire, only to jerk as Kai flexed his fingers along his cock. Cole sucked in a deep breath. “You have to stop.”
“You’re hard,” Kai murmured, contracting his hand once more.
“Fuck,” Cole snarled and thrust his hips upward, grinding against Kai’s hand. “I need you to stop, Kai.”
“Is… is this because of me?” Kai whispered.
Cole couldn’t take it anymore. He rolled to his feet and faced away from Kai. “It’s always you,” he replied.
“Always?”
Kai either couldn’t understand what his words meant, or he wanted to kill Cole. “I think we should return to the house. It’s going to get dark soon.”
Cole heard the sound of leaves being crushed beneath paws before two wolves, one dark as night and the other golden blond, crashed through the underbrush to come to a shuddering halt in front of him. Kai let out a terrified noise and scuttled away, stopping only when he hit the trunk of a tree. The blond shifted right away, and Nick stood in its place. “Cole, hey. Didn’t know you were out here.”
Raising an eyebrow, Cole replied, “What are you doing in this neck of the woods, Nick?”
Another flash of light bounced off the trees. “We were just out for a run after visiting your father,” Thayne drawled, throwing an arm around Nick’s shoulders, very obvious in his intent of showing his possessiveness over Nick. Cole would have smirked if he could have drawn up the ability to.
Nick smiled at Kai. “Hey, Kai. It’s good to see you out. You’re looking a lot better.”
Cole glanced over and saw Kai staring in fear at Thayne. He supposed if he didn’t know the stupid jackass and he’d had the same kind of past as Kai, he probably would be just as afraid. “Kai?” he prodded. “I’d like you to meet Nick’s mate, Thayne.”
Thayne frowned. “What’s wrong with hi— ooof !”
Nick’s elbow cut him off. Thayne rubbed the offended spot and glared at his mate. “What’d ya do that for?” he demanded.
Cole approached Kai and held out his hand. “Come on. He won’t bite. I promise.”
Kai took Cole’s outstretched hand. Cole helped him to his feet and led him closer to the other two, engulfed by sadness when Kai crowded further into his side, one slender arm snaking around Cole’s waist. Any other time, Cole would have rejoiced in Kai’s embrace, but he knew the only reason Kai wanted to touch him now was out of fear. It left an acrid taste in Cole’s mouth, and he gave Nick a strained look, answering the sympathy in his friend’s gaze. “Thayne, this is Kai, my mate.”
Nick must have explained the situation through their bond because Thayne gave a softened smile at Kai. “Hello, Kai.”
Kai nodded, but didn’t say anything, studying Thayne closely, wariness in his eyes.
“What brought you to the manor?” Cole asked.
“Your father wanted to talk to me,” Nick said.
“About what?”
Nick hesitated.
“Nick? What’s going on?”
Nick sighed. “He wanted to talk to me about what’s going to happen if you aren’t able to go to the summit.”
Kai stiffened at Cole’s side. “What do you mean?”
“I’d rather you talk to your father, Cole,” Nick replied. “Please.”
Scowling, Cole demanded, “Why can’t you tell me?”
“Because he asked me not to.”
“What the fuck, Nick?”
Thayne snarled and stepped forward a bit. Nick placed a hand on Thayne’s chest. Thayne quieted down, but he kept a tight hold on Nick’s shoulders. “You know I cannot go against your father’s command, not until you are Alpha, Cole. All I can tell you is he understands your position and doesn’t want to force you to go.”
Cole wanted more than anything to smash his fist into the nearest tree but restrained himself, knowing it would only terrify Kai. “I see.”
Nick gave a wry twist of his lips. “Maybe you should talk to him tomorrow, Cole.”
“It’ll have to wait until after my meeting with the representative from Bryson’s Market.”
“You still need me for tomorrow?” Nick asked, indicating Kai with a minor flick of his head.
“As long as it isn’t going to interfere with your work,” Cole said.
“Ryan can hold down the fort for a couple of hours.”
Cole saw the distaste on Thayne’s face at Ryan’s name and hid a smirk. Even though Thayne had no reason to be jealous, he couldn’t seem to stop from wanting to smash Ryan into pieces. “Thanks, Nick. I’ll see you at eight.”
“Sure thing, Cole. We need to get going, though. Have a good evening. It was great to see you again, Kai.” Nick smiled at Kai once more.
Cole sensed Kai’s small nod, and they both watched as Nick and Thayne shifted once more. The two wolves dashed into the trees and disappeared. Cole couldn’t help but notice Kai didn’t let go of him even after they were gone. “What is Nick helping you with?” Kai finally broke the silence.
Knowing Kai would be angry if he thought Cole didn’t trust him, Cole gave him a half-truth instead. “I asked Nick to keep you safe while I’m gone.”
Kai jerked away from Cole, mouth tight around the edges. “You asked him to babysit me?”
“No!” Cole exclaimed. “I just want him there to watch over things, to make sure nothing happens.”
Kai scowled. “Afraid I’ll run away again?”
Cole sighed and ran a tired hand over his face, a headache throbbing behind his eyes. “No.”
“I don’t need him there.”
Cole wanted to snap at Kai, but he held his tongue. “I know you don’t.”
“Then why is he going to be there?”
“Are you afraid of Nick? He’s my best friend, and I would trust him with your life. He already knows you’re a fox shifter, and—” Cole stopped abruptly, realizing what he’d said. He’d promised he wouldn’t tell anyone about Kai. But when Kai didn’t react, probably because he was too wound up about the babysitting issue, Cole went on. “If you don’t want Nick here then would you be more comfortable if my mother came to stay with you?” Cole asked.
Kai huffed and crossed his arms. “I don’t want anyone to stay with me!”
Cole took another deep breath. “I am not leaving you alone, Kai.”
“Why not?”
Unable to handle Kai’s stubbornness any further, Cole shouted, “Because when my mother knocked on the door this morning, you almost jumped out of your skin! I am not leaving you on your own!”
Kai took several steps back, face paling. Cole swore and breathed in, letting it out on a sigh. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. You won’t tell me about your past. You can’t stand to let me or anyone else within two feet of you. The minute Nick and Thayne showed up here, you freaked and turned white as a sheet. I’m not… I can’t leave you on your own, Kai. I’m sorry. There’s no argument you can use to change my mind. Let’s go. It’s getting dark, and I have some stuff to prepare for tomorrow.”
When Kai seemed inclined to argue again, Cole gave him an icy stare. “Enough, Kai.”
Something in his face must have stilled whatever else Kai had been about to say because his mouth snapped shut and he remained quiet. A fact Cole couldn’t have been more grateful for as he teetered on the edge of losing control. Cole shifted and waited for Kai, loping off into the woods the moment Kai followed suit, knowing they had a lot of ground to cover. His heart was heavy, and his spirit weighed more than a stack of the fifty-pound sacks of organic fertilizer they used in the greenhouse. Nothing in his life had ever prepared him for his mate’s rejection. Cole knew deep down, even if he hadn’t already accepted it, that at the end of the month, he’d be saying goodbye to Kai. His mate would never remain by his side. Kai would choose to leave him, believing he was better off alone and away from Cole, away from the sanctity of their bond. Cole wondered if he would be strong enough to take over as Alpha when it happened. His father had talked about handing over leadership after the summit, but Cole knew he wouldn’t be ready, not now. Maybe not ever if Kai chose to leave him.
He couldn’t stop the forlorn howl his wolf let loose. Its lonely depths echoed through the empty forest. Cole shuddered inside when several answering cries came from a long way off, offering support, love, but they weren’t the ones he wanted to hear. They couldn’t soothe the soul-deep ache he felt. He could hear the soft chuffing sound of Kai’s paws through the dirt on the forest floor behind him, the noise reminding him of what he’d found and would lose in the coming days, time being his worst enemy, an enemy he couldn’t defeat no matter how strong his muscles or how sharp his claws. Cole had never felt so helpless in his entire life. He’d never faced an enemy he couldn’t overcome. Nothing had prepared him for this. How could he fight something that had no tangible form?
By the time they made it to the house, it had gotten dark, and Cole couldn’t find the strength to pretend things were normal. He made a quick dinner of steaks and salads. They ate in painful silence, and when they’d finished, Kai went to his room while Cole cleaned up and retreated to his own, leaving his door open a crack just in case. Despite knowing Kai would leave him at the end of the thirty days, he still didn’t want Kai to run again, didn’t want his mate where he couldn’t find him, alone and starving. At least Cole could still take care of him, make sure he was fed and clothed. Cole put together the business plan for his meeting with the representative from Bryson’s Market by rote, unseeing and uncaring. His heart wasn’t in it. A week ago, he’d have put his all into the charts and graphs, ecstatic for the chance to impress. Now… it didn’t matter.
A noise behind him alerted him to Kai’s door opening, and Cole stiffened, but Kai entered the bathroom and shut himself in. Cole rubbed at his eyes with one hand, tears burning behind them. He’d never been a weepy guy, never teared up at sappy movies or funerals, but lately he’d been on the verge of crying more than he cared to admit. He’d kick the shit out of anyone for daring to even think him weak, but the title fit right then. Oh, he didn’t believe crying made him weak, not at all. Tears were a cleansing wash of the body, something people needed to heal their souls from pain, even men sometimes. No matter what society believed. He was a pathetic asshole for thinking of giving up on Kai, for allowing the idea of letting his mate go at the end of the month to even form, but he had no idea how to fight gravity, inevitability, the blatant truth staring him dead to rights in the face.
Cole had been arrogant and ignorant to believe thirty days would be enough to get past the defenses Kai had built from a lifetime of abuse, neglect, and fear, to believe the mating bond would be enough to convince Kai they were meant to be together. Snorting in disdain at himself, Cole buried his face in his hands and blinked away tears, refusing to give them purchase. How could he have been na?ve enough to believe someone who’d been raised outside of shifter culture would ever understand? Maybe he should give Kai what he wanted now and let him go, save them both the heartache the next three weeks would no doubt bring: the fighting, the constant paranoia from Kai, the continuous placating and pleading from Cole.
“Cole?”
Kai’s voice behind him caused Cole to sit upright and drop his hands in his lap. He didn’t turn around. “You should go to sleep,” Cole rasped.
“Are you okay?”
He managed to stifle a sharp bark of laughter, instead straightening his spine even further. “I’m fine,” he grunted. “Please… go to bed.”
Cole didn’t hear Kai leave and balled his hands into fists. He struggled not to put one through the monitor of his laptop, his claws extending and digging into the flesh of his palms.
“I—”
“Get out,” Cole choked, interrupting him. A sharp intake of breath caused a dull pain in Cole’s chest, and Cole closed his eyes, letting his head fall forward. “Please.”
Kai’s footsteps were soft as he left Cole’s room, and Cole wanted to chase after him, wanted to soothe the hurt he knew he’d caused, but he couldn’t, knowing it wouldn’t matter. Cole heard the snick of Kai’s door closing, almost unable to breathe through the torment crushing his soul.
U nable to sleep, Cole had spent the night researching what he could about abuse victims, the recovery time, therapy. Seeing how long it could take, the last intact piece of Cole’s heart shattered. Any possibility of Kai being able to accept him before the thirty days were up faded away with every story he stumbled upon. Cole read through forum after forum of shared traumas and horrors, his heart clenching with each one and his mind unable to believe anyone could be so cruel. Fury unlike he’d ever known built beneath the surface. Someone had subjected his mate to these things. Gods, he didn’t even know if they’d sexually abused Kai. He realized he had no idea exactly what cruelties had been reaped upon Kai and what it would take for his mate to overcome them. If he’d felt helpless before, now it increased a hundredfold. Cole had no idea where to even begin to help Kai, to begin working through what he’d suffered.
Needless to say, some of his furniture and a lamp needed to be replaced by the end of the night, and Cole looked a lot worse for wear by the time he took a shower and dressed in a pair of dark slacks, a white dress shirt, dark suit jacket, and a green tie to match his eyes. He had no desire to attend the meeting with the Bryson’s Market’s representative. If he hadn’t promised Julie he’d be there, he’d cancel. His head swam with everything he’d learned, and he had no idea how to even process any of it. At the end of his research, he’d dug up the names of a few therapists in Redwood City. He hoped he could see someone today, talk to someone to see if he could get some advice on how to proceed, because he hadn’t a clue how to approach the situation.
Cole dropped the folder he’d made up containing his report for his meeting by the front door and made eggs, bacon, and toast, setting the table for Kai and Nick. There wasn’t a chance in hell he could get down a single bite of food himself. He also set out orange juice and made coffee. Nick knocked on the door moments before Cole went to wake Kai.
“Hey,” Cole said wearily as he answered the door.
Nick gave him a concerned look. “You look awful, Cole.”
“Thanks,” Cole said without heat or humor. “Have a seat. I’m just going to get Kai.”
“Cole, wait.” Cole stopped. “Is everything okay? I thought maybe….” Nick trailed off, no doubt thinking what he’d seen in the clearing yesterday made everything better.
Cole shook his head. “Don’t. It’s fine. I’m fine. I need to accept it, Nick. I never thought….” His voice choked off.
“Fuck, Cole, I’m sorry.” Nick stepped close and wrapped his arms around Cole, rubbing his back.
Cole wanted desperately to bury his face in Nick’s shoulder and accept the comfort his best friend offered, but knew he couldn’t, not yet. Maybe after Kai had moved on. He breathed in Nick and Thayne’s scent, jealousy biting deep, and then berated himself for being envious of the happiness his friend had found. “I’ll be fine. I…. Nick, I think it’s best if I leave before he comes out, okay? I can’t see him right now. Would you make sure he eats?”
“Cole, you have to eat,” Nick replied, worry evident in his face and voice.
“I’ll get something later,” Cole lied. “Just make sure he eats, okay? He’s still too skinny, and he’s still healing.”
“I got it, Cole.”
“And I… I may be a little longer than a couple hours, okay? I have a few other things to take care of.” Cole picked up the folder he’d placed by the door earlier.
“Sure,” Nick replied, giving his friend a sympathetic look, which caused Cole to wince, knowing he must appear a coward to Nick. “You know, if you need to talk, I’m here, Cole.”
“I know, Nick, I know.” Cole knew his own situation wasn’t far off from Nick’s from months before. Thayne’s demons were also intangible, but to Cole, less daunting, less insurmountable. “I’ll be home around one.”
“I’ll watch over him for you, bro.”
“I know you will,” Cole said and walked out, heading to his truck.
With the hands-free Bluetooth in his truck, Cole placed several calls until he found one of the therapists willing to see him on such short notice, a Dr. Virginia Rice. She seemed intrigued by his insistence, or maybe it was his desperation. Cole didn’t know for sure. “I don’t normally appreciate the haranguing of my receptionist, Mr. Ferris, but I admit I am curious. Do not be late.”
“No, ma’am. I’ll be there.”
“Oh, and, Mr. Ferris?”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Please apologize to Terry when you get here. I think she’d appreciate a nonfat latte.”
For the first time since those stolen moments in the clearing with Kai, Cole gave a rusty chuckle. “Got it, Dr. Rice. Thank you.”
Cole pulled into the parking lot of Bryson’s Market headquarters and took a deep breath. He picked up the folder and slid out of his truck, closing the door behind him. Even if he didn’t land this account for himself, he needed to land it for his mate, to give Kai the future he deserved and to set up the business for the next ten years, even if Cole might not be around to see it. With resolve in his step, he entered the building and approached the receptionist, determined to give Kai everything he could.
When he exited a little under two hours later, he had a five-year contract for his peppermint bath salts, a trial offer for six months delivery of several of his crops, and a resolute look in his eye as he headed for his lawyer’s office. His lawyer didn’t understand his insistence on creating a trust in the name of Kai Ferris or assigning Nick Cartwright as the trustee in the event something should happen to him, and he tried to dissuade Cole from moving forward with the paperwork. Cole ignored his lawyer’s advice and insisted on drawing up the forms, signing them without hesitation the moment his lawyer slid them in front of him.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Lance Castle sighed as he authenticated the signature.
Cole grunted. “You’ve known me for over eight years, Lance. When have I ever made a decision I wasn’t entirely certain of?”
Lance studied Cole for several long moments. “Who is this Kai Ferris? You’ve never mentioned him before.”
Cole gave Lance a twisted smile. “My mate.”
Lance’s eyes widened a fraction. “Truly?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s awesome, Cole. Congratulations! But… why the trust?”
Cole shook his head. “I can’t really get into it. Let’s just say I made a deal with the devil, and I think the devil might win.”
“I’ll have Maggie make you a copy of these for your records, and we’ll get everything filed immediately. Are you going to make the summit in a couple weeks?”
“Not this time.” Cole left the rest of his words unspoken as he stood, holding out his hand to Lance. “Thanks for doing this at such short notice, Lance. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. Congratulations on the Bryson’s Market deal too, by the way. I know you’ve been working to get them on board for a long time.”
Cole smiled but knew it didn’t reach his eyes. “Thanks.”
Lance showed him out of his office, and Cole took the offered folder from Maggie before leaving the building. He made a quick stop at the nearest Starbucks, ordered the expected nonfat latte, and headed for Dr. Rice’s, his stomach in knots as he didn’t know what the woman would be able to tell him about Kai. There were things he couldn’t exactly tell her—he didn’t know everything, and of course he couldn’t talk about Kai and himself being shifters. He prayed whatever her words were, they could ease some of this soul-sucking hopelessness he felt. It kicked him in the balls how much stronger Nick seemed to be at handling this with Thayne. Cole tipped his hat to his Beta because if Nick had lived through this for six months, the man had more strength than fifty Alphas combined.
Pulling up in front of the building where Dr. Rice’s office was located, Cole took a deep breath, picked up the coffee cup, and stepped out.