Chapter 8
8
Kai
W hen Cole told Kai the reason he wouldn’t be attending the summit, Kai hadn’t known what to say, and the longer he listened to Cole talking to his mother, the more agitated he became. Kai didn’t quite understand his own emotions toward the situation, which further frustrated him. He didn’t need anyone to take care of him. He wasn’t a child! Then he overheard Cole’s mother suggest Kai see a doctor, and he grew even angrier.
Now he stood in the hallway staring at Cole. His skin felt tight, and his teeth were clenched hard enough it seemed as though they might crack. He knew anger, but this feeling rushing through him seemed magnified, more intense and almost painful. His head throbbed as he balled his fists together.
“Kai?” Cole questioned hesitantly.
Kai opened his mouth, but nothing came out except a rush of air. His breathing had grown shallow and black spots danced before his eyes. His chest heaved, and his heart pounded against his ribs.
“Kai?” Cole tried again, approaching him and placing his hand on Kai’s shoulder.
Something snapped, and Kai raised his hands and started hitting at Cole, anywhere and at whatever he could. He slammed his fists into Cole’s chest, arms, and shoulders again and again. Somewhere deep inside he knew his actions were wrong, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. His arms grew weaker with each resounding slap, and eventually it sank into his subconscious that Cole didn’t try to stop him. Cole just stood there and accepted the blows. Somehow, in the midst of Kai’s rage, Cole had managed to slide his arms around Kai’s shoulders in a partial embrace. Tears rained down Kai’s cheeks, and he went to move away, horrified at his actions, but Cole wouldn’t set him free.
Burying his face in his palms as Cole pulled him closer, Kai sobbed even harder. Nothing made sense to him. He didn’t know why he’d gotten angry or why he’d begun lashing out at Cole. The rage had died, leaving behind a feeling of emptiness, hopelessness. Emotions he knew only too well. He’d experienced those many nights locked in his uncle’s basement. “I’m sorry,” he began to babble. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Shh,” Cole murmured, breath stirring the hair atop Kai’s head. “It’s okay, Kai. Shh.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
Cole held him tighter, rubbing a palm in circles along Kai’s back. “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Kai hiccupped but didn’t repeat his apology. He didn’t understand why Cole wasn’t angry at him. He’d tried to hurt Cole. The thought seemed ridiculous, considering Cole’s size compared to his own. Yet Cole didn’t get upset with him. He didn’t attempt to stop him or hit him. All these thoughts whirled around inside his mind until his head began to throb harder.
Suddenly, Kai’s world spun, and he found himself airborne and being carried to the nearby couch. He made a small sound of protest, which Cole ignored. Cole sank down onto the sofa and settled Kai in his lap. Kai tried to slide off, but he didn’t put up much of a fight when Cole refused to let him go.
Cole cupped Kai’s cheek and slowly tilted Kai’s face up toward him. He brushed a strand of Kai’s hair away from his face, causing Kai’s breath to catch at the tender gesture. In a way it reminded Kai of his memories of his mother, but it was different in a whole other way. The roughened skin sliding over his cheek sent flickers of heat rushing down into his lower belly, something his mother’s caress had never done.
“Want to tell me why you were mad?” Cole asked softly.
“I don’t know,” Kai replied, voice hoarse from his fit.
“Maybe talking about it will help.”
Kai frowned, gaze locked on the tanned skin of Cole’s throat. How could he talk about it when he didn’t know?
“You seemed upset when you left the table earlier. Maybe start with why?”
“I don’t know,” Kai repeated.
“Was it something we said?” Cole probed again.
Kai fidgeted as some of the emotions returned. “No.”
Cole didn’t seem to want to let up, though. “Did we scare you?”
“No! I just don’t want to be your excuse!” Kai exploded, surprised at his own words.
“My excuse?” Cole asked, clearly confused. “What do you mean my excuse?”
“For not going to the summit. I’m not a little kid who needs to be taken care of!” Kai squirmed to get off of Cole’s lap. He managed to twist himself to the left and onto the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. “I don’t want you to stay here because of me.”
Cole didn’t respond at first, and Kai thought he might have made Cole mad for sure this time. He peeked out of the corner of his eye to find Cole staring at him, but the expression on Cole’s face wasn’t anger. He recognized it. The only woman his uncle dated who hadn’t wanted to beat him or use him had worn it more than once. Pity. The thought of Cole feeling sorry for him made his chest hurt. Kai dropped his forehead down to his knees and dug his fingertips into the fabric of his jeans, wrapping it around the digits until they grew numb.
“You aren’t an excuse for me to not attend the summit, Kai,” Cole eventually responded. “I’m doing my best to not overwhelm you or make you afraid of me more than you already are, but you have to understand what I told you before is the truth. You are my mate. Nothing else matters to me. Not the summit or being Alpha of my pack. All of it could be gone tomorrow, and it wouldn’t mean a thing to me. But you….” When Cole paused, Kai tensed and squeezed his eyes shut. “You are everything.”
The way Cole said it sounded simple, and yet it sent tendrils of pure terror to Kai’s gut while sharp needles of emotion struck his heart. His fox chirped and yipped happily, excited at Cole’s words. Cole’s insistence on being mates, his own animal half wanting to be near the big shifter, and the fading of his desire to run away made him begin to doubt his human side. Every day he spent here, the more his fear continued to dissipate. Kai didn’t know whether to trust his fox’s instincts or his own. “I don’t understand,” Kai murmured halfheartedly. “Why?”
“I can’t explain the way the mating bond feels, Kai. It goes beyond human comprehension. It’s soul deep and only the connection, once made, can truly make you understand what I feel in my heart.”
Would he have understood if his parents hadn’t died? Why hadn’t they told him the truth about who he was? Instead they’d let him live in ignorance. For the first time in his life, Kai actually felt angry at his parents. If they’d told him what to expect, about the change at thirteen, about everything, he could have hidden the truth from his uncle. They would have saved him from years of abuse and being used to hurt others.
The sound of Cole standing forced Kai from his thoughts, and he looked up to see Cole towering over him. He couldn’t help the unconscious flinch and the immediate guilt at the hurt on Cole’s face.
“I want to get to know you, Kai, and for you to get to know me. Us sitting here beating a dead horse isn’t going to change the facts of the situation we find ourselves in. For at least a little while, let’s table this. Will you please come with me and let me show you who I am?” Cole held out his hand, waiting for Kai to reject or accept it.
Kai gave a small nod and hesitantly placed his own hand in Cole’s. Cole pulled him to his feet. Instead of releasing him, Cole led the way down the hallway and out the door at the end of the hallway. Kai felt exposed the moment they stepped into the sunlight. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d begun to think of Cole’s home as a safe haven until then. Swallowing hard, he continued to allow Cole to lead him toward the greenhouses. “Cole?” he murmured in fear as he saw a man hefting pallets of plants onto the bed of a truck.
“It’s okay, Kai. No one here will hurt you. I promise. That’s John. He’s one of my employees.” Cole waved at the man who smiled and returned the greeting.
Kai’s stomach cramped as they entered the first greenhouse and he saw three others inside. His palms started to sweat, and Cole tightened his grip. “Relax,” Cole chided gently. “Would you feel better if I asked them to leave?”
“I… I don’t know,” Kai whispered, eyeing the others. He recognized the woman he’d seen Cole hug the other day. Jealousy nipped in, and he moved closer to Cole.
The woman looked up and saw them, smiling. “Hey, Cole,” she called and walked toward them.
Kai tensed and pressed even tighter against Cole’s side. He heard Cole chuckle, but continued to stare at the dark-haired woman. She stopped in front of both of them. “Hi,” she directed at Kai. “I’m Julie.”
He didn’t respond but watched her closely.
“Julie, I’d like you to meet Kai, my mate.”
Julie offered her hand to him to shake, but Kai ignored it, wrapping his free hand around Cole’s bicep. She lowered it and nodded, playing off his slight. “What brings you down here, Cole? I thought you were going to take a few days off.”
“I wanted to show Kai around. Would you mind asking the others to take a break for a little while?”
“No problem, Cole. I’m sure they’d appreciate it.”
Kai noticed the look Julie gave Cole but couldn’t quite read it. His fox growled, wanting to snarl at her, but Kai kept his mouth shut. He didn’t think Cole would approve of him treating someone who worked for him in such a manner. Kai watched her walk over to the two other people and speak to them for a moment. They gave curious glances in Cole’s and his direction, but they nodded and took off the gloves they wore, slapping them against their thighs to knock off excess dirt. Julie sent another wave as the three of them exited the building.
Cole reached up and covered the hand Kai had wrapped over his bicep. “You don’t have to be afraid of any of my people, Kai. They would never hurt you.”
Kai bit his lip and let go of Cole’s arm. He tried to pull free of Cole’s grip on his hand, but Cole resisted and began to talk about his business.
“We grow different kinds of vegetables and herbs throughout the three greenhouses. This greenhouse has several types of herbs, including my favorite, peppermint leaves. Each building is kept at a different temperature, based on what is planted in them.”
Cole started walking along one of the rows. He pointed out the different herbs, indicating the varying types of leaves and how to tell them apart. When they reached the peppermint, Cole released Kai’s hand and squatted down. He pulled one of the leaves off and stood up. He held the leaf beneath Kai’s nose. “I use the oil from the plant to make bath salts.”
Kai breathed in the scent of the leaf and wrinkled his nose at how potent it was. Cole laughed. “Peppermint is one of the more aromatic herbs, but our sense of smell makes it ten times deeper.”
“It’s very strong,” Kai murmured in agreement.
“Similar to the scent, the plant tends to overrun others if you let it, which is why this section is separated from the other end.” Cole walked to a cart nearby and picked up a clay pot with an herb in it. He brought it over to Kai. “Do you want to try planting one?”
Kai shook his head. “I don’t want to ruin it,” he protested.
“You can’t ruin it. Come on, kneel down.” Cole lowered himself near an empty spot. He picked up some kind of small shovel. “Come on, kit. It won’t bite,” he teased.
Swallowing hard, Kai got down on his knees, albeit a little less elegantly than Cole. He accepted the shovel. “Now, dig a hole right there,” Cole said, pointing.
The damp smell of earth hit his nostrils the minute the tool hit the dirt. Kai closed his eyes and breathed it in deep, his lungs relishing the scent. His fox chirped in pleasure, and Kai could feel him almost bouncing in eagerness. He opened his eyes and continued to dig until he’d removed enough soil to put the plant in.
“Good,” Cole praised and handed the pot to Kai. “Now place your hand around the base of the plant and tip it over, loosening it from the pot. Once you’ve removed the peppermint, place it into the hole.”
Kai followed Cole’s instructions to the letter and sighed when he’d placed the plant safely in the ground.
“Now we cover the roots up and add a little water to get it started.”
Kai used the shovel and his free hand to replace the soil around the roots. Cole stood and returned to the cart nearby to pick up a watering can. He brought it over to Kai, handed it to him, and said, “You want to pour enough to dampen it, but don’t drown it.”
Tilting the can, Kai watched the water come out of the tiny holes, wetting the soil beneath the herb. “Great! See? You’re a natural at this! I may just have to put you to work in the greenhouses,” Cole commended, winking at Kai.
Warmth at Cole’s praise trickled through Kai, and he smiled a bit. He passed the can to Cole and went to stand. Cole placed a hand beneath Kai’s elbow and helped him up. “Let’s get your hand washed off, and then we can continue the tour, hmm?”
Kai nodded and followed Cole to a spigot nearby. Cole turned it on, grabbed Kai’s wrist, and pulled his hand under the water. “I can do it,” Kai protested.
“I know,” Cole replied simply, but continued to help rinse the soil off. He shut off the water once all traces of dirt were gone. He yanked a paper towel from the dispenser on the pillar near it and dabbed the liquid from Kai’s skin. Cole’s fingers brushed over the deep scars on his wrist, reminding Kai of his life before.
Kai flushed as Cole tenderly traced the gnarled flesh, and he tried to tug his hand away. Cole refused to let him go and surprised Kai by pressing a gentle kiss to his wrist. “Cole,” Kai squeaked, and this time Cole released him.
Cole kept his face averted as he disposed of the paper towel, and Kai wondered what Cole thought of his scars. Did they disgust Cole? When Cole looked at Kai again, Kai saw nothing in Cole’s expression except a slight smile. Cole led him through the other rows, indicating the different types of plants and explaining why he chose to grow them. It fascinated Kai to watch the peacefulness on Cole’s face as the man talked. Kai envied Cole on more than one level, yet at the same time he didn’t wish they could trade places. He would never inflict his awful past on anyone, especially someone as kind as Cole.
“The other greenhouses contain mostly vegetables and assorted fruits. We supply several markets in the surrounding areas, and a lot of the pack members come here to buy directly. Cheaper for them really.”
“How long have you been doing this?” Kai asked curiously.
“I started the business about eight years ago, but the greenhouses took a while to build. Originally I had a small one I built myself.”
“This is amazing,” Kai said, bending down to look at a plant near where they stood.
Cole smiled. “Thanks. I enjoy working with my hands. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as seeing others enjoy the fruits of my labor.”
Kai straightened and walked a little farther down the row, still studying the different types of greenery.
“Is there anything you like to do?” Cole asked from behind him.
Kai shrugged. “Not really. Drawing sometimes, I guess.”
“Anything else? What about playing any instruments?”
Shaking his head, Kai looked over his shoulder and responded, “Never got the chance to try.”
Cole’s expression darkened for a split second, but then he smiled. “Well let’s rectify that now, hmm?”
Excitement gripped Kai for the first time in a long time. He followed Cole from the greenhouses, listening to Cole indicate which one held which types of crops. When they reached the house, Cole stopped inside the door. “Why don’t you go take a seat in the living room? I need to get something from my room.”
“Sure,” Kai responded.
He walked down the hallway and took a seat on the couch, crossing his legs underneath him. Cole appeared seconds later with a guitar in one hand and sat next to him, leaving only a few inches between them. Kai could feel the heat from Cole’s thigh.
“I haven’t played in a couple of years,” Cole said, strumming the strings and messing with the metal knobs at the top of the guitar.
Kai observed quietly and not without interest. When Cole started playing, his heart tripped a beat, and he sat up straight, placing his feet on the floor. Kai didn’t know whether the emotions running through him were from the music or watching Cole. Somehow he suspected the answer was more about Cole than the instrument. He stared at Cole’s strong fingers plucking at the taut strings and shivered at the unbidden thought of Cole’s fingers on his skin. The idea frightened him and stirred something deep inside his chest at the same time.
The sounds died off, and Cole looked at him. “Do you want to try?”
“I don’t know if I can,” Kai muttered uncertainly. “It looks complicated.”
“Not at all. Here,” Cole replied and handed him the guitar. “Place the neck in your left hand and brace the bottom on your knee.”
Kai took the instrument, a bit hesitantly, and did as Cole said.
“Is it okay if I get closer to show you?” Cole asked.
Kai bit his lip but nodded. Cole slid over until they were thigh to thigh. When Cole placed his arm around Kai’s shoulders, Kai jerked in surprise.
“It’s okay,” Cole said softly.
It took every ounce of Kai’s willpower not to jump off the couch as Cole began placing the fingers of Kai’s left hand on the different strings. “There are six notes on most guitars. You use your other hand to strum the strings to make the sounds while controlling the notes with your left hand. Good so far?” Cole asked.
“Yes,” Kai murmured.
Cole placed his fingers over Kai’s at the top of the guitar and picked up Kai’s right hand, placing a small triangular-shaped plastic chip in between his index finger and thumb. Kai tensed. “Relax, kit,” Cole whispered near his ear.
Kai swallowed and tried to do as Cole instructed.
“Since you’re just beginning, we’ll start with the two basic chord types, first position chords and barre chords. First position is primarily played with open strings and pressed strings. You see the spaces marked off down the neck of the guitar?”
Kai grunted in response.
“Those are called frets. Common major chords are C, A, G, E, and D. Place your fingers here.” Cole moved Kai’s fingers accordingly. “This is A major.”
Cole used the plastic chip in Kai’s fingers to strum across almost all the strings, producing a light sound. Kai felt the vibrations of the chords against his fingers and grinned. Cole continued to move the placement of his fingers, going through each of the notes and their differing sounds. Eventually Cole showed him a few to practice at playing together. When Cole allowed him to try it on his own, Kai’s fox gave a forlorn chirp at the loss of Cole’s body heat and touch. Kai ignored the emotion and followed the instructions, satisfaction surging through him when he managed to do it seamlessly. “I did it!” he exclaimed.
“You’re a natural at this, kit,” Cole praised. “Why don’t you continue to practice while I make us some lunch?”
“Okay.”
Kai repeated everything Cole had shown him until he could perform the actions without a hitch. He looked toward the kitchen where Cole stood at the counter. Studying Cole’s strong back, Kai’s thoughts strayed to Cole’s declaration of Kai being his everything earlier, and his stomach flip-flopped. He’d never thought of another man sexually before. He knew what being gay meant and wondered if his reactions to Cole meant he was gay. Would it have made a difference if he’d grown up with his parents instead of his uncle? Would he still be interested in Cole? Or did his animal side dictate who he would be with? The idea of not being in control of even who he would love or be with left a feeling of helplessness. Kai didn’t know if he would ever be free to choose for himself.
“After we eat, I’ll show you another chord since you’ve gotten those down lightning fast,” Cole interrupted his thoughts, and Kai started.
Cole set a plate on each side of the small table and beckoned Kai to come sit. Kai stood, set the guitar down beside the couch, and walked over to find Cole had made sandwiches. Potato chips filled a medium bowl for them both to take what they wanted. He sat in the chair across from Cole and scooped a handful of chips onto his plate.
“You think playing music is for you, kit?” Cole asked and took a bite of his sandwich.
Kai picked up his own, cradling it in his hands. “I don’t know.”
“You’re really good,” Cole commented.
Kai shrugged.
“If it isn’t something you enjoy, we can always try something else.”
Instead of replying, Kai bit into his sandwich and chewed, slow and calculating. He didn’t want to answer Cole because the same resentment from earlier was rising in his chest. He had no idea what words would come out, and he didn’t want to hurt Cole. The thought of worrying about Cole surprised him. His fox chirped in agreement, and Kai ignored it. He’d only been around Cole for a few days, but he could sense something inside him changing. Did he react to Cole because of the mate thing? Kai almost gnashed his teeth together. Fear had been a constant thing in his life. He knew fear. These new feelings constantly bombarding his senses since he’d met Cole he didn’t understand. They made him uncomfortable and distressed.
Cole set down his sandwich. “Is everything okay, Kai?”
“I’m fine,” Kai snapped.
Cole raised his eyebrows. “You don’t seem fine.”
“What would you know?” Kai snarled, dropping his sandwich on the plate.
Sighing, Cole said, “I thought we were finally getting somewhere, Kai. What happened?”
The bottom of the chair legs scraped the floor as Kai stood and started restlessly roaming between the living area and the kitchen. Cole didn’t ask again but waited for Kai to answer. Kai hadn’t a clue what to tell Cole. He didn’t understand it himself. Tension spread across his shoulders the longer the quiet continued. He ran a hand through his hair, fingers brushing the collar on his throat. It reminded him of the scars beneath it and Kai stopped near the couch. “Why?” he whispered.
“Why what, kit?” Cole prodded.
Wrapping his fingers around the top of the cushion nearest him, Kai shook his head. He didn’t know.
Cole stood and walked to Kai’s side. He placed a hand on Kai’s shoulder. “Talk to me, please.”
Kai heard the imploring in Cole’s voice. “I don’t understand.”
“Understand what?”
Wrapping his arms around his waist, Kai stared at one of the pictures on the wall. “Anything. These things I’m feeling. I’ve never felt this way before.”
Cole reached up and touched Kai’s cheek, work-roughened fingers sending tendrils of heat through Kai’s veins. Kai shivered.
“What are you feeling?” Cole asked, voice raspy.
“So many things,” Kai murmured. “Warm inside, as if I drank something hot. Uncomfortable. Angry. Scared. I don’t know. Some things I’ve never felt before.” He sat on the arm of the couch, not releasing his death grip on the cushion.
Cole crouched in front of him, looking up at his face. “Take a deep breath.” Kai complied. “Good. Now stop thinking, Kai.”
Kai gave him a skeptical look.
Chuckling, Cole patted his knee. “Sometimes it’s hard to shut off your brain. Try. The more you think, the more you go in circles. Believe me, I know. Enjoy being here in the moment. The past is over and the future is unknown. Today is the only thing you can control, Kai.”
Kai stared at him, his words very close to the thoughts he’d experienced mere moments ago. “Do I?”
“Do you what?” Cole frowned.
“Have control?”
“Of course you do,” Cole replied, confused. “Is there a reason you think you don’t?”
Shrugging, Kai cast his gaze to the side. Silence met his gesture, and when Kai glanced at Cole he saw what appeared to be pain. Kai’s breath caught, and guilt flooded him. The pain vanished when Cole realized Kai was studying him. Cole stood and moved to stand near the window. “You feel I want to control you.”
It wasn’t a question. Kai didn’t know how to answer without hurting Cole again, but his silence seemed to be what Cole expected. Cole remained turned away from Kai for several minutes, quiet and brooding. Kai wondered if Cole would speak to him again. His fox trilled at him, actually furious with him over his treatment of Cole. Shame bit deep. How could his fox expect him to be okay with everything when he’d only known Cole for a matter of a few days?
“I need to go for a run,” Cole said in a flat tone. “I hope you’ll join me, but I won’t make the decision for you. It’s your choice.”
Kai flinched at Cole’s words. They hit him in the chest—hard, tiny arrows stabbing his heart in painful bursts. He tried to swallow around the sudden lump in his throat. Cole didn’t even glance his way as he strode around the couch and into the hallway. Kai hesitated for a few breaths and followed behind. The door at the end was just closing as Kai reached it.
Cole had already shifted when Kai stepped outside. He didn’t wait for Kai, loping off toward the woods. The moment Kai released his human half and became his fox, a sad cry echoed off the buildings and into the trees. Kai worked to keep himself in check as he followed Cole.