Chapter 8
8
CAS
U nable to resist, I continued to study her as she attempted to distract herself with the file in front of her.
Yesterday after we dropped Alta off, I requested the entire team's files under the ruse of wanting to verify everyone. Of course, Peters saw straight through it, knowing I wanted one report in particular, and why. A part of me wished I’d never asked for it; then I wouldn’t be sitting here so fucking pissed off I couldn’t see straight. The report gave the basics of what happened to her ten years ago, but no details. Which was both a good and bad thing, considering that, with only knowing the basics I already wanted to dig up the fucker and pound his bones into dust for what he did. There was no telling what I would do if she ever told me the full story.
Same as when I first read the words, my blood boiled beneath my skin, readying to kill. She was innocent, a perfectly happy girl until it was ripped from her unexpectedly. Before the abduction, she was a perfect student, a part of every association on the damn campus, but after, nothing. Alta finished her senior year online instead of returning to college. Then one day a year or so later, she up and left for Tennessee, leaving her family behind in west Texas.
Like a siren’s call, her deeply buried darkness sang to my own. But was it a call to protect her from experiencing pain and fear again, or a luring of her dark passion that’s been waiting for the right spark to ignite the building want inside?
“What are you looking at?” she asked meekly from her spot on the floor, not glancing up.
“You.”
I shouldn’t open this door, but I couldn’t help it. Somehow, this one woman had a pull over me even when she wasn’t around. Past women never invoked this strong protective compulsion—hell, any feelings. Until Alta.
She didn’t need me. I’d ruin her. Break her past the point of no return. Her dark desires were fucking rainbows compared to mine.
Stay away.
Run.
For her, I should.
But for me, I wouldn’t.
In the cold life I’d been dealt, was it terrible to want one good thing from it?
One good person.
One Alta Lady Johnson.
“Why?” Alta finally peeked up from the paper, allowing her hazel eyes to meet mine.
“You’re dangerous, you know that?” I said before thinking better of it.
“Me? Dangerous.” She giggled nervously. “Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? Pretty sure you could break me just with the crazy, intense stare you have.”
The corner of my lips twitched upward in as much of a smile as I could manage lately. “You’re distracting, mesmerizing, which is dangerous.”
Hell. Where did all those words come from?
“Oh.” The fire’s coals crackled and the logs popped behind her as she uncomfortably shifted against the floor. “I… I’ve spent so long being ordinary. You’re the only one who’s noticed me.”
“Why?” I was a bastard. I knew exactly why she wanted to remain anonymous.
“Long story,” she said on a sigh. “I was noticed once, and it went sideways.” The scraping of her index fingers along the ripped cuticles of her thumbs spoke to her rising anxiety. “Let's just say being around you and Chandler is the first time in years that I feel like I don’t have to hide.”
The couch complained as I shifted forward, closer to her.
I was a fool.
A weak fool who couldn’t resist the enigma in front of him. It wasn’t the strawberry-blonde hair or the delicate features of her beautiful, natural face. No, this was deeper.
“You don’t. We’ve got you covered.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Yes,” I said quickly. Whatever she wanted to know, I’d tell her.
“What is this?” Averting her timid gaze, she flicked the file folder between us. “You’re super intense, and I’m… I don’t really….” A red flush crept up her neck before blooming along her delicate cheekbones, accentuating the small scattering of faint freckles.
Fuck, this is a bad idea.
I’ll ruin her.
“Stay away from me, Lady.”
Her eyes met mine, daring her to push back. “What? I didn’t mean?—”
“I’m not the man you think I am. I’m an asshole with more control issues than they can diagnose. I’m not a nice guy.”
“But I’m safe,” she whispered in a voice so fragile, it chipped at my resolve to stay away for her sake.
Fuck, that weak voice cracked every restraint I had. All she wanted to be was safe, and that was the one thing I could offer. “No one—I repeat, no one will touch you while I’m here. That is a fact you shouldn’t question.”
Her tight shoulders dropped, her lips parted in a relieved sigh. There was trust there, trust I hadn’t earned yet, but still she gave it—to me, a nobody.
Fuck it.
Narrowing my eyes, I crouched directly in front of her, inching closer until her back pressed against the brick hearth. Inches from her nose, I inhaled each of her shaky breaths, savoring the heated fear that pulsed off her as her eyes darkened with lust. She needed to be scared of me, to run in the opposite direction.
Still I dared another inch closer, hoping she’d push me off, praying she wouldn’t.
I slid a hand around the hot skin of her delicate neck.
“I don’t know how to be gentle, Lady,” I growled.
Her breath hitched at the minuscule squeeze of my fingers around her throat.
“What if I don’t want gentle?” she breathed.
“What do you want?”
Light brown brows pulled together in thought, but her hazel eyes stayed locked with mine. “You.”
Instantly I released her neck and retreated to the couch. A trembling hand enclosed around her neck where my finger marks were fading. Breathing still rapid, eyes wide, Alta stared, clearly not understanding my reaction.
That made two of us.
For the first time in a noncombat situation, I was fucking terrified.
This beautiful woman saw me. She saw into my dark soul and wanted more. Wanted me. The emotions she evoked just by seeing me and wanting me were paralyzing.
Frustrated as well as fucking confused, I shoved against the couch, sending it rocking back on its legs with the force, and stalked to the front door. The handle groaned at the jerk I gave it but didn’t budge.
“Who the hell locked the damn door?” I grumbled as I flicked the metal lever, allowing the door to swing open at my pull.
A small, fair hand inched into the air by the fireplace.
Of course it was her.
Damn this woman. Damn her innocence, her fucking beauty.
The house vibrated as the door slammed shut behind me. My hands shook as I fumbled with the lighter, the whole time telling myself it was due to the cold, not her . The first deep drag of smoke filling my lungs eased the growing jitters. I needed to quit, but what was the point? We all died sometime, and it wasn’t like I had a family who would miss me. Hell, I didn’t even have a fucking goldfish. I was alone in this hard life, and that was the way it was meant to be. I came into it alone, lived it alone, and knew I was destined to die alone.
Gray smoke curled out between my lips, growing more significant as my hot breath mixed with the icy air. The clear blue sky and bright sun made it appear warmer outside than the actual near freezing temperature. At least it wasn’t balls hot out here like in the house. Hell, Peters and I would need to open all the windows after she left to get an hour or two of comfortable sleep.
The next inhale, I held in the smoke until it burned. I needed to get my priorities straight. The case, finding the fucker messing with innocent women, was the goal. Not the edible officer inside who I wanted to devour like the luscious fruit she was.
As the smoke floated away on a light breeze, I adjusted my hardening cock. Inside, gazing into those scared, excited eyes, one thing was clear—If anything happened between us, it would be slow and on her terms.
Not that anything would happen.
Fuck, now I was even lying to myself.
The front door swung open, releasing a wave of warm, dry air from the cabin.
“Fuck, it’s hot as hell in there,” Peters complained. “But she seems comfortable, so I can’t bring myself to be the ass who smothers her stupid fire.”
In unison, we glanced through the front window. Alta sat on the hearth, even closer to the fire than before, her knees tucked against her chest as she stared at an iPad.
“Damn, Peters. The FBI has turned you into a soft pussy,” I said through an exhale of smoke. “Man the fuck up and tell her to knock it off with the fire if you’re hot.”
A lone brow arched high on his forehead as he leaned against the post. “You’re suggesting I freeze her out.”
No. Yes. Hell, I didn’t know what I was saying. The woman wasn’t even in the same room and I couldn’t think straight. But I did know letting Peters think I was into her was still a terrible idea.
To avoid responding, I set the cigarette between my lips and took a long drag.
“We should, you know. Make her run as far from us as possible.”
“I’m sure you’re going to tell me why, even though I don’t give two shits about you or her.” Lie. I was a fucking liar. I would tack it onto my growing list of sins I’d be held accountable for one day. The very long list.
“Right, keep telling yourself that, fuckstick. I’m saying she’s more innocent than you or I have ever been in our entire lives. More than we can even grasp. When she caught me in my towel?—”
I couldn’t restrain the low growl that rumbled from my chest as I slid my gaze to him with a pointed glare. His knowing smirk made me curse and shift to look into the dense forest that surrounded our small cabin. Without all the leaves, a few other cabins around us were visible, but still far enough away to have some sense of privacy. I flicked the cigarette butt toward the bucket I set out the night before as a makeshift ashtray.
“She got here early, you jealous fool. Chill the fuck out. It’s almost like you care or something. You know”—the way he dragged out the last word told me what was coming next—“if you really don’t want her for yourself, then maybe I’ll make a pass. It’d be fun to teach her what a real man can do to her.”
“Don’t fucking touch her,” I bit out. “She deserves better than you or me.” The truthful words burned in my chest. Most people deserved better than me, but especially her. Innocent, beautiful, a whole life ahead of her to be happy and move on from her past. I was cemented into mine with no hope of ever moving on.
His smirk fell. He pursed his lips as his gaze shifted to the ashtray. “Why do you say that?”
“You said it yourself, she’s more innocent than we’ve ever been. I don’t want to see her dragged down by one of us. She deserves someone who could make her happy.”
“And you don’t think you could.” A statement, not a question.
I cut my gaze to him. “You know me. Know what I’ve done, what we’ve done. I’m not going to let my demons kill her too.”
He cleared his throat and shifted on the post. “You make it sound like we’re past the point of saving. Is that what you think?”
In response, I flicked the lighter to light another cigarette.
“We’re not the bad guys, Mathews. We’re not the ones out there preying on innocent people. We had a job, we were trained to do that job, and we did it. I won’t believe what we’ve done or who we’ve killed is who we are. We’re more than that.”
I shook my head. He didn’t get it. Peters went into the marines as a good man, only coming out slightly damaged. Whereas I went in damaged and came out an emotionless lost cause. In his optimistic mindset, he thought of us as good guys, the heroes in this world.
Which he might’ve been. But even as much as I fucking wanted it to be different, I wasn’t her hero. And I refused to be her villain.