Chapter 9
9
ALTA
T he pencil eraser rapped rapidly against the hard surface of the desk as I studied John’s closed office door, impatiently waiting for it to swing open. He’d called that morning, telling me to be at the station an hour before the other meetings were scheduled for the day, but didn’t give a hint as to why.
Three days had passed since I left Chandler and Cas’s cabin, more confused than ever about the case and my strange feelings for the brooding, tatted man. After the hot scene by the fireplace, he shut me out the remainder of the afternoon, avoiding my looks and staying as far away as possible. Then yesterday during a shift, Chandler called unexpectedly, suggesting we schedule meetings with the two missing women’s husbands. Knowing Johnny Boy would want to be involved, I called and filled him in on Chandler’s request.
As impatient as I was to talk to John, my stomach knotted for another reason. Thoughts of Cas had consumed my every moment for three days, which had felt like an entire week, and now, today, I finally got to see him again.
“What in the hell has gotten into you?” Sarah asked as she snatched the pencil from my hand. “It’s John.”
“But he didn’t say why he wanted to meet me before Chandler, Cas, and the two husbands arrived.”
Sarah leaned forward to pet Benny. “I’m sure it’s nothing. Want me to distract you with some gossip?”
“No.”
With an exaggerated eye roll, she pressed her elbows on the desk. “Too bad. So, my hike with Sadie was quite informative.”
As much as I didn’t want to get sucked into whatever Sarah was about to say, I still found myself leaning forward, mirroring her pose.
Sarah’s eyes flicked around the office, I assumed to make sure no one else was listening in. “Did you know she’s here escaping a past?”
I shook my head.
“Didn’t think so. Remind you of someone?” she said with a grin. “Anyway, she’s running from some crazy ex apparently. It’s actually why she doesn’t like dogs. Apparently he had a few, and they were mean as hell. Nothing like Benny here.”
Okay, now I felt like a terrible human being for not liking her. But on top of the whole ‘not liking dogs thing, Sadie was weird. Really, really weird.
Sarah continued as I sat in shamed silence. “Listen, I’m not telling you to like her, but give the girl a chance. Though I doubt you will after what I’m telling you next.”
That didn’t sound positive. “Maybe you shouldn’t tell me, then.”
“Fuck that! It’s good stuff, girl. You need to embrace this talking stuff. It’s what girls do. Just watch, I’ll mold you into a woman yet.”
“You’ll make me a woman? What, you have a strap-on collection or something?”
Sarah tilted her head back with a loud bark of a laugh. “Do you even know what that is?”
“No,” I grumbled. But it didn’t make the joke any less funny. Damn, I missed being funny and witty. But that drew attention, unwanted attention. No, I held back, kept to myself and stayed as anonymous as possible. That was how I stayed safe.
“John and Sadie, the little freaky wallflower, are going out on a date.”
I blinked at my friend as I processed her words. “What?”
“John. Your John asked Sadie out on a date, like a legit ‘dinner and coffee and the hope of sex at the end’ kind of date.”
Unfamiliar jealousy twisted in my gut. I didn’t want John that way. His closeness didn’t make my body tremble with excitement like Cas’s did, but I did love his attention as a friend. His undivided attention.
Here I was, the stupid na?ve woman once again.
“Well—” I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat. “—I hope it goes well.”
Brows furrowed in concern, she stretched across the desk and grasped my hand between hers. “You okay? Does that bother you?”
“I don’t… I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to date John, but the idea of him going out with her doesn’t sit right either. I'm selfish, aren’t I?”
“Kind of, yeah.” Sarah released my hand to lean back in her chair. “Everyone knows John had his eye on you since day one, but he fell into the friend corner quick.”
With a frustrated eye roll, knowing full well she was right, I leaned back and stared at the popcorn ceiling. “I think I like him,” I admitted out of nowhere.
“John?”
“No, the hot guy. The dark and sexy stranger, Cas.”
“Do you know him enough to like him?”
“Besides his constant intense staring, no.”
“Then what do you like about him?”
“The tattoos?”
Sarah smiled and shook her head. “Then you’re attracted to him, babe. Liking means you know him, and attraction means you get all hot and bothered when he’s around.”
I rolled my eyes once more and glanced to Benny with a silent plea for help. “Fine, I find him attractive.”
“How could you not?”
“But he’s dark and dangerous, the exact opposite of what I need. Right?”
Sarah’s animated features fell, and she pursed her lips. “Listen. You’re allowed to be attracted to whoever you want. I’m happy for you. Hell, I’m ecstatic. Run with it, girl. Don’t let your past dictate who you are now.”
“Can someone be attracted to a guy who’s so wrong for them?”
“Have you read a romance novel? Women swoon over the bad guy, but something tells me your dark and dangerous isn’t a bad one.”
Both our heads jerked toward the sound of John’s door swinging open. “Come on in, Birdie,” John called from where he stood just inside his office door.
“Okay,” I called back. Releasing an anxious breath, I shoved out of the desk chair.
Sarah’s hand darted out, gripping my wrist and preventing me from leaving.
“I want to hear more about him. Can we have a girls’ night? With ice cream and popcorn and wine and a chick flick while we talk about boys?” The hope in her voice tugged at a part of me I hadn’t realized was even there anymore. Those first couple of years in college were the last time I had a real girls’ night full of laughter, secrets, and soul-cleansing chatter.
“Sure, but no wine. My place.” I glanced to my boots as I mentally mapped out my schedule. “How about tomorrow night?”
Releasing my wrist, Sarah clasped her hands together with a high-pitched squeal.
Benny tucked his paws over his ears to ward off the loud, unexpected noise.
When I was almost halfway to John’s office, Sarah squealed from the front room. “Did you hear that, Benny boy? I’ve won her trust, finally.”
With a smile, I strode into John’s office and flopped into the uncomfortable standard-issue office chair.
“Shut the door, Birdie.”
Huffing my annoyance, hoping to leave it open to catch the draft of hot air from the hall to counteract the cold wind blowing through the open window, I leaned forward and shut the door, locking it three times with the tips of my fingers before turning back. “Shut. What’s all this about? If it’s about Sadie Lou Who?—”
“How did—” He shook his head. “This isn’t about her. It’s about you.”
Interest piqued, I bent forward, resting my elbows on my knees and clasping my hands. “So it’s true. You did ask her out?”
“Sure, why wouldn’t I?”
Index finger tapping against my temple, I looked to the ceiling, then rolled my eyes to him. “Um, because it’s against policy.”
“Damn, Birdie, it’s one date, not rewriting the Constitution.”
“We’re dealing with a serial killer right now, you know. Shouldn’t your focus be there instead of on her?” Dang it, I sounded jealous. Which I was, but not in the way he wanted.
“I can focus on both just fine. What’s your deal? I figured you’d be too busy with the two temporary additions to our team to even give two shits about my love life.”
“Is that why you asked her out? Because of them?”
John’s face grew red. “No, Alta. I asked her out because she’s nice, and attractive, and wants me too. Thought I should start going after women who want to date me.”
An awkward silence stretched between us as we glared at one another.
“We’re friends, and they’re here to work on the case. You know I can’t date,” I whispered. My own words were like a sucker punch to the gut.
What the hell was I thinking with Cas? I couldn’t date. I didn’t even like to be touched. Even though his touch the other day wasn’t terrible. It was pretty great, actually.
I shifted my gaze to the floor and shook my head to clear the volleying thoughts.
“Which is why you’re here now.” Shuffling a few papers around on the desk, he withdrew a file and slid it toward me. “Thought you should know who you’re dealing with.”
I leaned forward and grabbed the file, flipping to the first page as I sat back in the chair. “How’d you get more information on this guy than the FBI? Is it more than what Chandler has from the previous?—”
“Not him. Them.”
“Them?”
“Agent Peters and dipshit Mathews.”
“Oh.” I closed the file, leaving it balancing on my lap while I searched John’s blue eyes. “CliffsNotes it for me.”
The chair squeaked as he leaned back and interlaced his fingers behind his head. “They were in combat together. Agent Peters has been out for a while and immediately went into the FBI. It’s the Mathews guy I wanted to warn you about.”
“Warn me,” I urged, my gaze on the closed file in front of me. My fingers itched to flip it open and reveal all of their dark secrets. It’d only been a few days, but we’d bonded, and I didn’t want their character tarnished in my mind. But I needed the truth now that John had planted the seed of doubt.
“He’s dangerous, Birdie.” The high-pitched squeak of his chair pierced my ears in the otherwise silent office.
“How did you get this information?” I kept my eyes glued to the folder. Whatever John had to say, I knew it was probably terrible. Just looking at the man, I could tell he was capable of awful things. But I also knew whatever he did wasn’t to an innocent victim, wasn’t to a woman or a child. I’d only known the man a few days, and yet I knew that for a fact. Whatever John had to tell me wouldn’t change my opinion of Cas.
“Sergeant Mathews isn’t the only one with friends in high places.”
I held back my eye roll. “What did you find out?”
When he didn’t respond, I glanced up only to find unwanted sympathy marring his features. My lip curled in a snarl. Sympathy was the one emotion I couldn’t stand. It was fake, annoying, and clingy. Sympathy made people think you were too weak to handle what was going on around you. Sympathy made the receiver weak. I would know; enough was tossed my way over the years by strangers who somehow found out about the assault for me to loathe that single emotion.
“Cut the crap, John, and don’t look at me that way. I’m fine with whatever you have to say, so say it already.”
In a wise move, John schooled his features back to his usual scowl. “He was discharged before his contract was up for medical reasons.”
“So?” I huffed, tossing my hands in the air. What the heck was John getting at? And why?
“Mental medical shit, Birdie. The guy is fucked up in the head. He spent over thirty days bunkered down with his men after an ambush. Twelve marines went in. Three came out.”
I held my breath as he continued.
“When they did a final count, nine American marines were killed, and over ninety hostiles were dead.”
“Okay, I still don’t?—”
“Birdie, most of the enemy were killed in hand-to-hand combat, not by a gun. That guy you’re so fascinated with sliced dozens of men's throats. He snuck up on them and took them out one by one.”
I slid deeper in the chair and focused on the plain white wall. “So what you’re saying is he saved the lives of two other marines.”
“I’m telling you he’s a monster.”
“Or a savior, if you asked the two who survived.”
John shoved out of his chair, sending it flying backward. “You’re not listening to me. He’s violent. He is fucked up in the head. You shouldn’t be alone with him, and he sure as hell shouldn’t be on this case. Hell, he should be locked up!”
I stood, echoing his anger. “For what? Serving his country? Protecting his men? Tell me, John, what would you have done in that same situation? Oh wait, you didn’t serve in the military, so you wouldn’t know.”
John’s eyes widened, jaw slightly slack. “You’re defending him.”
Hell yes I was, and I had no idea how John couldn’t be as well. We were officers, and he knew anything could happen in the line of duty. It came fast and furious with little time to react, much less think through all the possible scenarios. But unlike me, John wasn’t the child of an officer. He didn’t have to watch his father justify his actions when it came down to taking a life or having his taken.
No, John didn’t understand that sometimes in battle, the lines were blurred and you did what was necessary to survive. Because deep down, you maintained your moral code, and even though it was killing, you were still on the right side.
“I’m defending any man or woman who’s been forced to take a life in the line of duty to make sure they came home to their family.”
John hung his head. “Maybe it’s this case. It’s screwing with your perspective on things. The Birdie I know wouldn’t be so careless.”
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I slid it out, read the message, and reached for the door. After unlocking it, I turned back to the now-ashen man behind the desk. “Christina Brown’s husband is here. I’ll show him back once Agent Peters arrives.” One foot over the threshold, I turned. “And for the record, I agree this case is changing my perspective, but what you can’t see through the jealous haze you have over Cas is I’m changing for the better. And next time, show a little more respect for two men who willingly gave years of their lives to protect us. I think they deserve that much from you, don’t you?”
Not letting him get another word in, I stormed through the door, down the hall, past a wide-eyed Sarah and Christina Brown’s husband, and flung open the front doors.
One step out into the freezing cold, I collided into a hot, hard chest.