Chapter 12
12
ELLIE
M y lids fluttered closed with the soothing warmth that spread from his lips into mine. Relaxing into his hold, I savored the tart tang of green apple on his smooth full lips as they moved against my own. Too soon the connection was broken. Wanting more, I followed his departing lips as he pulled back.
Forehead pressed against mine, Chandler’s heavy breaths brushed against my cheeks.
“You’re not ungrateful, you’re real, Ellie. It’s normal to have those thoughts after going through what you have. Do not think for one minute that this town, this world, would be the same without you in it. Your story is your own. Your future is unwritten. Don’t give up because this chapter is harder than you expected.”
“The whole damn book has been harder than expected,” I muttered.
“And you’re still here, fighting every day. And don’t be fooled. The best stories are full of heartache and pain. What a boring life it would be if it weren’t.”
“I think I’d take boring over all this.”
“Would you?” Eyes open, he planted a quick kiss to the tip of my nose and leaned back, his hand slowly dropping to the couch. “Think about it. Would you enjoy a boring life?”
“Why did you kiss me?” I asked instead of responding to his question.
“Because I couldn’t stop.” Sincerity leaked off him. “If I was too forward?—”
I shoved the bowl aside. It tumbled to the floor, candy scattered across the room. With the space between us clear, I lunged forward and covered his long lean body with my own, wrapping both arms around his neck.
Surprise was written across his face as I leaned in close, our lips brushing.
“Neither can I.”
He closed the small gap before I could, fingers tangling in my hair, holding my head in place as his lips devoured me. A soft moan from the tingling pleasure parted my lips, giving him access to slip inside.
Soft strokes of his tongue built a steady throb between my thighs. Not breaking the connection, I crawled over his lap until I straddled his hips, sinking my knees into the couch on either side. He wrapped both hands around my thin waist, urging me to sink lower until I sat flush against him.
A gasp stole my breath at the amazing sensation of his hardness pressing exactly where I needed. Tentatively I shifted against him, grinding my throbbing center up and down the inseam of his jeans. Bursts of pleasure sparked through me, making my entire body shudder in his possessive hold.
“This is….” My heart raced in my chest.
“Too fast?” he finished for me but didn’t stop planting soft kisses down the column of my throat.
“Different.” The moment the word left my lips, I wanted to take it back. Now wasn’t the time to talk through my fucked-up- ness. What I needed in the past to feel pleasure wasn’t needed with Chandler. No, his simple presence, desperate touch, and respectful urgency were more than enough. I was on the brink of falling over that edge and he hadn’t even touched an inch of bare skin.
His exploring lips paused against my pulse. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked, harsh breaths pushing past my ear.
“No,” I whined. “No, I shouldn’t have said?—”
The hand in my hair tugged, bringing my face even with his. A fire burned behind his gaze, his jaw working as if he was holding himself back from devouring me whole. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Later,” I whispered, angling my head to give him access to my throat once again. “Please.”
Gingerly I ground my center against him. His eyes squeezed shut as if he was in pain, a hiss whistling past his tightly clenched teeth.
“One condition,” he demanded. Those lids lifted, blue eyes blazing into mine. “Think only of you. Allow yourself to be selfish for once.”
I bit my lip, nostrils flaring with each quick inhale. “I don’t… I don’t know how.”
A cocky smirk played at his lips. “Then I’ll help you.”
Pulling me closer, he slammed our lips together and lifted his hips off the couch, grinding himself hard into my core.
I melted into him, turning limp as he manipulated my body to give me the maximum pleasure instead of his own. The hand at my waist dipped beneath my sweatshirt. Fire blazed in the wake of his trailing fingers as he stroked them higher and higher.
Surely he felt my hammering heart and erratic breaths as I silently begged him to touch me more, to touch me everywhere. The urge to forget about me and make sure he was taken care of was still there, but the overwhelming heat and tingles took precedence, demanding I lose myself in the flood of pleasure.
An unladylike groan rumbled in my chest as his fingers circled a peaked nipple over my sports bra. Around and around, never brushing across the pebbled tip, keeping me on edge, desperate and eager. Flexing my hips, I slid my hot, damp center up and down, savoring the pressure. Back and forth I worked myself against him, doing exactly what he told me to do—taking what I needed. The hard material of his jeans against the thin cotton of my leggings added a roughness, making me wetter than I’d ever been.
Finally a finger dipped beneath the top of my sports bra, tugging it low until a nipple popped from the top. Sliding his hand over, he did the same to the other. The soft cotton of my tank top scraped against the sensitive nubs. Tipping my head back, I sucked in deep gulps of air.
“Damn, you’re beautiful,” Chandler said as he watched where I rode his lap. “That’s it, baby, chase it.”
And I did. I unabashedly rode his straining erection, loving the friction from our clothes, offering maximum pleasure that pulsed from the connection. Talented fingers teased both pebbled nipples, adding to the overwhelming sensations.
Higher and higher I climbed, with only my pleasure in mind.
A dam broke inside me, all the pent-up frustrations and wants spilling out through my soul. A pitiful whimpered plea ghosted past my parted lips as I broke from the inside out. Grinding harder against him, I grasped at the lingering sparks as my orgasm high settled. With a whoosh of air, I crumpled against Chandler, my hot cheek pressed to his shoulder.
Ripples of aftershock swept through me as I inhaled deeply through my nose to calm my thundering heart and quick breaths. At a small shift of my hips, Chandler groaned, his discomfort and frustration evident.
Popping up, I searched his face, recognizing that I got what I wanted but he still sat unsatisfied. I bit my lip as embarrassment nearly swallowed me whole. Knowing what needed to be done to end his discomfort, having done it countless times before—though normally my fingers weren’t trembling with lingering bliss and desire—I dipped a hand between us in search for the button of his jeans.
He lashed out and grasped my wrist, halting my movement.
“Stop,” he said through gritted teeth.
“But you’re….” I nodded to his crotch. “Doesn’t that hurt?”
“Yes and no.” A feral grin showed all his straight white teeth. “Tonight was for you, not me. Until you can’t stop yourself from touching me, when getting me off helps you find your own release, then we only focus on you.”
I searched his strained features, trying to figure out what his angle was.
“And—” He shifted on the couch with a hiss. “—I’m a little fucked in the head, Ellie. Restraining myself, not allowing something I desperately want….” He closed his eyes, tipping his face to the ceiling. “It makes it so when it does happen, every touch and look….”
“Is hotter?” I dared.
“Explosive,” Chandler clarified, verifying what I suspected.
“Because of your super-religious childhood?” The sharp dip of his chin again confirmed I was correct in my assumption. “You always had to deny yourself, and now it’s stuck in your head, and somehow it makes it naughty, wanton.” Surprise and understanding shone behind his wide eyes. “Can I tell you a secret, Chandler?”
“I just laid a pretty heavy one of my own on you,” he joked. “Of course.”
“Until tonight, I couldn’t get off unless I convinced myself it was wrong. That what I was doing was a sin or something I had to keep hidden from others.” I bit my lip as his eyes seemed to darken with what seemed like understanding. “And pain,” I whispered. Tucking a loose dark lock behind my ear, I shifted to look toward my bedroom, unable to hold his intense stare any longer. “That added to it. Knowing I shouldn’t find pleasure in the pain, but I did. Not at first. At first it was just pain. But something broke in my head one session with Jacob, and it switched to turning me on.” Glancing back to him out of the corner of my eye, I tried to judge his reaction. “I’m broken. My body, my mind, everything.”
With a sad sigh, I shook my head and pressed the heel of a hand to the couch back beside his head for leverage to maneuver off his lap. No doubt he was disgusted with me now. Who liked shit like that except serial killers and depraved minds? As a profiler, he knew there was no coming back from the abuse that I’d endured. My physical scars healed, but the emotional ones were too deep to ever recover from the lasting effects.
I’d never be free from Jacob, from my past, from myself.
Two hot palms seared against my cheeks, pausing my retreat. Turning my face, he pulled me close, our noses barely brushing.
“That must be what calls to me. What I can’t get enough of.”
“My fucked-up-ness?” I snorted and sucked in a breath.
“What if we’re not broken but simply searching for the other half that will heal the cracks and fissures? Can what’s left of you fit with what’s left of me, making us each whole through the other?”
Warm tears pooled in my lower lids. “You’re not running away?” I whispered.
“Why would I?”
“Everything right now is the opposite of what I know. You not wanting me to take care of you first, you being focused on me, revealing a peek behind the wall I use to hide my darkness. Why aren’t you running?”
A single tear tracked down my hot cheek. He brushed it away with a slow swipe of his thumb.
“Why would I run from my reflection?” With a pointed glance down to my chest, a smirk tugged at the right corner of his slightly swollen lips. “Well, my reflection with amazing tits.”
I barked out a startled laugh, breaking the heaviness that was slowly suffocating us both. Sighing, I relaxed against him, nestling my face against his warm neck. Inhaling deeply, I pieced through the varying smells. Green apple, spices of some kind, and a hint of outdoors that reminded me of the winter wind. Engraving this moment with the smells as my reminder, I allowed my lids to slowly close.
With his body heat warming my body and soul, his strong arms banded around my back, keeping me pressed to his chest, I allowed sleep to consume me.
For the first time in years, I felt safe enough to dream.
To dream of a life worth living.
Soft sunlight filtered through the thin metal blinds, burning through my lids and demanding I wake up. With a groan, I rolled over and tossed a pillow over my head, dousing me in blissful darkness.
A male chuckle had my eyes popping open beneath the pillow. I blinked into the darkness. The previous night’s activities and revelations came roaring back, followed quickly by embarrassment.
Damnit, Ellie, why did you have to tell him all that? Now he knew the parts of me that most men enjoyed taking advantage of. Well, when I said most men, I meant Brett. The moment he found out I needed a bit more than the average woman to find release, he abused the information for his own shits and giggles.
“Ellie.” The darkness the pillow had encased around me vanished. Bright light had me slamming my lids shut to keep from going blind. “Do you have to work this morning?”
“No. Sunday,” I said into the sheet as I hurried my face into the mattress. “Everyone is at church.”
“Except us.”
I smiled, my lips sliding along the cheap sheet my face was plastered to. “Except us heathens.”
A burst of cold air wafted under the blanket. Fingertips trailed down my spine, and my toes curled in response.
Wait, what?
Popping off the bed, I dug my elbows into the mattress and squinted an eye open. “How did we get into my bed?”
Chandler brushed my crazy morning hair out of my face and smiled from where he lay beside me. “After you passed out on my shoulder, I brought you in here. Hope that’s okay.”
I nodded and fell back to the mattress. “Did you sleep in your clothes?”
“I didn’t trust myself otherwise.” Turning on my side, I tucked both hands beneath my cheek. “You either. Sorry, I didn’t want to attempt getting all that off”—he waved a hand down my still fully clothed body—“except the boots. Which, did you know they’re too big?”
“Slim pickings around here, if you haven’t noticed. Yard sales and the thrift store are the only places close enough for me to walk to.” Not giving it a second thought, I closed my eyes, hoping to get a few more minutes of sleep on my one morning off from the diner.
“You don’t have a car.”
“Cost and no license, remember? Have to have a birthday to have one of those.”
“Your parents never told you when your birth date was?”
I shook my head and huffed, realizing the man in bed with me was sexy as hell but a morning person. Oh well, no one was perfect. “They’re devout followers. They’d never break the rules to tell me something specific about myself.” At his silence, I peeled my eyes open and blinked back the sleep, sharpening his frowning face. “What?”
“Do you work anywhere else today?”
“No. Sundays are my days off for everything. It’s my one day to simply exist.” I scooted back along the sheet at his growing calculated grin. “What are you planning?”
“Nothing.” I narrowed my brows. “Okay, fine, something. But you’ll love it, promise. First, one more question.”
Sighing in defeat, I flopped onto my back and smiled at the ceiling. I should’ve been annoyed, but how could I be when this was the first Sunday in… ever, maybe, that I didn’t wake up with the sinking pit of loneliness eating me from the inside out.
“Go ahead.”
He pointed toward my stack of worn paperbacks. “Why are you reading parenting books?”
“Devil’s balls,” I grumbled. “Of course you noticed that.”
“I told you?—”
“Yeah, yeah, you notice everything.” I shot him a glare with zero heat behind it. “The long version or the short version?”
“The truth.”
“Touché,” I said with a dip of my chin. “I know I didn’t have a normal childhood. That what I was taught, what my parents taught me, was backward compared to the world. And when I left The Church, I didn’t know exactly what was right.”
“Which is why your trauma attached you to Brett.”
I swallowed. “Yeah, well, that’s part of it. My history with Brett was complicated for several reasons. But the parenting books, well, I thought those would be a great place to start to see how I should’ve been raised. And I’ve learned a lot. Learned how I should’ve been taught instead of brainwashed like I was.”
“That’s brilliant.”
“I was going with desperate, but I like your word better.” I smiled and turned to face him. “It helped for me to see how my parents should’ve raised me. Instead of reading self-help books, reading the parenting books, building confidence in your kids, raising strong girls, things like that helped erase what I thought was the truth and rewrite a new one—the correct one.”
Reaching across the bed, he plucked one of the books off the towering stack and held it close to his face as he read the back inscription. “How did you get them?”
“How do you think? Alec has been amazing.”
“He’s a good man.” A wiry smile ghosted his face.
“Shoot!” I shot off the bed. “I bet he’s worried about you. Did you call him and let him know you weren’t coming back last night? He worries, like really worries. You need to text him?—”
Chandler’s hold on my shoulder was gentle as he pulled me back to the bed, this time so I was nestled against his chest. “Alec wasn’t home either.”
“Oh? I thought he was staying in town until… you know.”
“Until we found the man abducting, abusing, and killing women?”
“Yep, that one.”
His chest rumbled with a soft chuckle beneath my head. “The woman we found last night, she was different, like I mentioned. I didn’t want to trust the evidence with the coroner here, so I sent him to Dallas with the body.”
“You can do that?” I adjusted so I could look up at his face.
He stared up at the ceiling while running two fingers along my side.
“It takes a few approvals and a request from the coroner to transfer a body across county lines, but with Alec being a Ranger, he’s allowed special privileges. He should be back tomorrow. He texted this morning saying he wanted to stay with the body and wait for the results.”
“How was this one different?”
His hold tightened almost in a reflexive move, like he involuntarily wanted to protect me from everything outside this room. That small movement crumbled a layer of the wall I’d built around my heart to ensure no man got close enough to control me ever again.
“Well, first she was disposed of within two weeks of the last victim. Which means he’s spiraling.”
“And could slip up, leaving behind evidence when he was so careful not to before.”
“Exactly.” I beamed internally at his praise. “Her fingers were sawed off at the second knuckle.” I shivered and wrapped an arm around his chest. “Why do you think someone would do that?”
I chewed on my lip. “Fingerprints are the easiest way to identify someone.”
“Which means….”
I bolted straight up, my palm sealed to his sternum to steady me in the awkward position. “This one was different because she could be identified.”
“Which means….”
My gaze flicked between his eyes as I sorted through what that could mean. “That someone is looking for her.”
“And we can narrow down where she was last seen, with who, where she was going. It’s information that could tell us how he hunts and give us a rough radius of where he finds his victims.”
“Wow,” I said.
“And she was missing her hair.”
Bile rose up my throat. “Her hair?”
Chandler’s eyes turned toward the door. “Yeah, I don’t get that one yet. Because we could get DNA from her skin, bone marrow, so why take her hair?”
After a minute of us both considering the question, he shook his head. “Enough of that today. I have other plans.”
“Oh.” My heart sank into my stomach. “Right, of course. I’ll see you later, I guess?”
The smile that crept up his cheeks confused me.
“Plans with you, Ellie. Now come on, get dressed. I need to run by the house to change before we head out of town.”
“Out of town?” My words were breathy as I watched him roll off the bed. I was slightly distracted when his taut stomach muscles peeked at me as he stretched his arms high, lifting the hem of his shirt.
“Yep. Now get dressed. And stop looking at me like that or we’ll never leave this apartment. And believe me, Ellie, what I have planned for the day, you want to get up and showered.”
Leaving me gaping, I watched his backside as he sauntered out of the room and closed the door behind him. The pillow let out a puff as I fell back to the bed and smiled at the ceiling.
Best. Sunday. Ever.