Chapter 13
13
CHANDLER
M icroscopic ice pellets clinked against the rental’s windshield as I merged onto the highway. The never-ending waves of gray clouds in the sky threatened to unleash more ice and snow, but I wasn’t concerned. A Texas ice storm typically vanished as quickly as it formed and left little precipitation in its wake. I relaxed into the heated leather seat and rested my wrist on top of the steering wheel. This early on a Sunday, the interstate was nearly vacant, making the drive to Waco as calm and serene as the wintry weather.
I stole a glance across the cab to where Ellie sat, nose plastered to the window, taking in all the scenes that flashed past. A smile formed for no other reason than seeing her excitement over the least exciting landscape I’d ever seen. But I’d never voice that, taking away from her enjoyment.
She worried when I emerged from my own shower dressed in a pair of slacks and a dress shirt, fearing she was underdressed for whatever surprise I had in store for her. But it was me who was overdressed, though not because I wanted to be. With the strangeness of the case and hostility toward the FBI, I’d stuck to casual clothes, but those were scarce considering I packed mostly suits. This venture out of Orin was as much for me as it was for her. I couldn’t keep wearing the same pair of jeans and trading out between the couple black long-sleeve shirts I had with me.
“Can you give me a hint?” Ellie asked, not turning from the window. She wiped away the fog her breath left behind with the sleeve she had tucked into her fist.
“All I’ll say is whatever happens, don’t put up a fight.”
At that she turned, arching a blonde brow, drawing my attention to the difference between her natural hair color and the color it was currently dyed.
“Why do you dye your hair?”
Panic flashed behind her bright eyes before she turned to look out over the barren landscape once again, but this time I could tell she wasn’t paying attention to the barns, fields, and businesses whizzing past.
“I don’t like what my hair stands for, so I change it fairly often. It was one of Jacob’s favorite features about me. He forbade me from cutting it.” Taking the ends between two fingers, she tugged it forward and inspected the few strands. “I’m not loving the black though. Red, last month’s color, looked okay. Pink has been my all-time favorite though.”
“Pink?” I said, my amusement coming through my light tone. “Where in the hell did you get pink hair dye?”
Both her shoulders rose and fell. “Since I don’t have a credit card or car, anything needed outside of Orin, I pay others in cash to order or pick up for me.”
“Like Alec.”
“And Stan. A few times Ryan.”
“Stan,” I mused. “Last night, did I read the situation wrong when I showed up? It seemed you were uncomfortable.”
She leaned back and gazed out the windshield. “No, you didn’t read it wrong. Stan was acting out of character last night.” Pulling some hair forward, she brushed the ends along her lips. “Could be from the case. He heard from a friend they found another body and was worried about me. Stan’s a good friend. He’s been there for me since I walked out on Brett.” A smile tugged at her lips. “I pay half of his Wi-Fi and Netflix monthly costs since I can’t get it on my own. Sometimes we hang out before I head to the bar. Half the time he drives me so I don’t have to walk.”
“Do you ever get the feeling he wants more than friendship?” I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, hating the idea.
“Sometimes, sure. But I’m careful to not send mixed signals. He knows I’m not ready to move on.” Her brows furrowed as if remembering something important.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing. It’s just ever since I went on a non-date with a guy from the next town over, Stan’s acted more forward, I guess.”
Did she say date? “Who was the date with?” There was no mistaking the possessiveness in my low tone, which made no sense. I barely knew the woman, yet I only wanted her to want me, no one else.
Rolling her head along the seat because she was too short for her head to meet the headrest, she leveled me a look that said she knew exactly why I wanted to know this particular detail.
“It wasn’t a date. We went to Denny’s.” She huffed and crossed her arms, pushing those full tits together. The image of me fucking them at some point infiltrated my thoughts. I only caught the last of what she said when I was able to see past the lust fog and focus again. “… just a friend.”
I cleared my throat, which came out more like a moan, and channeled my energy into watching the road. “Did he pay?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Then it was a date. Why do you feel like it wasn’t?”
“Because I wasn’t nervous or excited. It was more about….” Her lids slipped closed. “This sounds terrible, but I just didn’t want to eat another meal alone.” When she blinked, vulnerability shone through, slicing to my core. “He understood. I told him from the beginning not to expect anything. I’ve seen him at the diner once or twice since, and it hasn’t been weird.”
Something nagged in the back of my mind, a pounding urge to piece something about what she just said and the case together. I rubbed at my brows in frustration, unable to make the connection.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, concern softening her voice.
“I don’t know. I feel like I’m missing something with the case.”
“How long do we have before we get to where we’re going?” she asked curiously.
“Forty minutes, give or take.”
“Perfect.” Pulling the chest strap forward, she maneuvered along the seat to lean back against the door facing me. “Let’s talk through it. That’s what they do on all the shows to help make sense of the details.”
Apprehension twisted my stomach. Turning the small knob along the dash, I silenced the radio, leaving only the steady hum of the tires as we sped down the interstate. “Now that you mention it, there is something you can help me with. It’s a theory Alec and I consider as a strong possibility.”
“Great, I’d love to help.” I physically cringed. She wouldn’t be as enthusiastic when she found out what I needed from her. “Oh crap, I don’t like that look,” she remarked.
“Based on the gap between the age of the older bones discovered at the dump site and the recent victims, we believe there was a two- to four-year gap between the older victims and the newer ones.”
“Okay.” Ellie drew out the word and motioned for me to continue.
“We theorized there was a trigger, an incident that forced the unsub to start the cycle again. With the way he dumps women as if they’re trash, plus the abuse to the bodies and the single stab wound to the heart, we think a woman was the trigger.”
Brushing the ends of her hair against her lip, she nodded. “The single wound to the heart could signify his heartbreak.” My brows shot up my forehead at her revelation. Ellie grinned ear to ear. “You two didn’t think of that already?”
I shook my head, dumbfounded. “That’s brilliant, Ellie. I assumed the location of the stab wound was for maximum pain before their inevitable death.”
Pride radiated off her in waves. “There’s a saying that heartbreak is like a stab to the heart. I heard something along those lines somewhere.” She waved a hand dismissively. “Wherever I heard it, that would confirm your theory that the woman left the killer.”
“Unsub.”
“Fine.” She rolled her eyes, biting her lower lip to hide her grin. “So, what? She hurt him, so he hurts them?”
“Maybe that’s how it felt when she left, but that’s ultimately not why he kills them. Though it may be the answer to why he chose that as part of his signature.”
“Then why does he kill them if it’s not to inflict pain?”
“Because ultimately they aren’t the one he needs. The one he wants to come home. So all this revolves around a single person, a female who left him.” I shot a look out of the side of my eye. “Which leads me to what you can help me with. Alec mentioned you and Brett broke up about two years ago.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Ellie, that’s when the first victim was found.”
Her eyes widened when understanding hit. “Oh no. No way. Not—” She paused and shook her head, sending strands of hair to brush along her neck. “Sure, he’s an asshole who didn’t take it well when I left him. But a killer?” Leaning toward to the floorboard, she rummaged through her purse and pulled out a caramel apple pop. The plastic wrapper crinkled when she stripped it off, popping the sucker into her mouth before the trash had fluttered to the floor. Lost in thought, she twisted the white cardboard stick, moving the candy from one side of her mouth to the other.
“The timeline warrants the question,” I said after a few minutes of silence.
“Was there a question or just an accusation that my ex is a sick son of a bitch?” Her head thumped against the window.
“The question of why you two broke up.” Adjusting my hold on the wheel, I leaned against my own door as I stared at the brake lights of the eighteen-wheeler ahead of us.
“What does that have to do with the case if it’s more about the timeline of events and me possibly being the trigger?”
“It doesn’t, but I’m curious what your final straw was with him.”
A heavy resigned sigh blew past her lips. Ellie popped the sucker from her mouth and stared at the candy. “Because I finally realized what he was—is, rather. You have to understand, he wasn’t always the person you’ve seen. He’s able to turn on this—” She waved the sucker in a circle. “—charisma. And when I first met him, it drew me in.”
“How did you two meet?” I adjusted in my seat, uncomfortable with this conversation. One, because I had to hear about her relationship with that fucker Swann, and two, the topic was clearly sucking her back into that hypnotic state she sometimes slipped into.
“That’s a loaded question that would make me explain the how and why I left Jacob and ended up with Brett. Let’s just say he was there when I was healing and vulnerable. That first year away from The Church was terrible, not knowing which end was up, and Brett was there. I see it now. I’ve watched documentaries, read books, researched online about trauma bonding and now realize that’s what it was, not love. It wasn’t even lust.” Twirling the sucker insider her hollowed cheeks, she pulled it back out and gave me a long look. “I didn’t understand that I wasn’t even physically attracted to Brett until you walked into the bar.”
“What?” I said, surprised.
“The way my body reacted before you even said a word, I’d never had that before.”
“Which was why last night was different from other times for you.”
“I think so, yeah. I was excited for you to come over. Not for you but for me.” She shrugged like it wasn’t that big of a deal, but I knew better. “Every time we’re together, I get all sick feeling.”
“I make you feel sick and that’s a good thing?” I questioned with a confused chuckle. This woman was the best kind of confusing I’d ever met.
“Not sick as in sick, but sick as in my stomach is in knots, my palms sweat, and I have this sudden dry throat. It’s why I thought I was ill that morning you and Alec met me at the diner.”
I nodded, finally understanding. “Trauma bonding is very common in cases like yours, especially with someone like Swann.”
“Why especially like Brett?”
“A narcissist can play on others’ emotions better than anyone. Brett saw the connection you desperately needed after leaving The Church and gave you just enough to be drawn toward him. He made you depend on him, making you believe he was the one to save you.” More ice pelted against the windshield. I flipped the wipers on to help with visibility.
“Looking back, it’s clear, but it wasn’t at the time.” Her voice was small as she shared her confession.
The consistent squeak of the wiper blades against the windshield added to my growing irritation. I hated Swann before, but now hearing all this, I wanted him dead. “Did he initiate the relationship?” I swear the metal steering wheel almost bent under my hold as I waited for her response.
She sat silent for a minute, her gaze unfocused, the sucker held between pursed lips.
“Most locals are aware how the women are raised in The Church. Brett knew that, and looking back, I realize how he took advantage of it. After about six months of him hanging around, understanding and listening when I was lost or upset, he started making comments on how he’d kept Jacob from coming after me again, how he’d kept me safe. Those comments turned into how I was freeloading off him and his brother.
“Due to my upbringing, a deep, insistent need to thank him for everything he’d done for me grew with each comment. One night after dinner—a dinner I’d made but he’d paid for, which he reminded me of—I told him I wanted to repay him. He asked how.” Rolling the sucker against her lip, she shook her head. “He knew I didn’t have any other way to thank him for everything he and Ryan had done. Which they had. I don’t want to negate the good they did to help me right after I left.”
I swallowed down the anger coursing through my entire body. Heat burned beneath my skin, making sweat collect along the back of my neck and forehead. “He knew exactly what he was doing from the start. He played on your need to bend to a man’s wants and needs. There was nothing you could’ve done to stop him with where you were in your own healing.”
“Still feels like I was to blame for it all.”
I wrestled with the urge to slam on the brakes, tug her onto my lap, and wrap my arms around her. “I can see that. Believe me, if anyone understands transferred guilt, it’s me. But you were the victim. He was the abuser.”
“But then it turned into more,” she whispered. “I really thought it was how relationships worked.”
“ He turned it into more. Fed on your feelings and need for comfort and safety, not you.” I needed to get out of this damn truck before I exploded. “Was he ever physically abusive?”
“I wanted it.” The words were so soft I barely heard them over the heat whooshing through the vents.
“That was your trauma telling you that.” Sitting straight in the seat, I cast a wary glance over the center console. “Do you want to talk about this? With me, that is, after last night?”
The fog cleared from her blue eyes, clarity shining through as she nodded. “If it doesn’t bother you, yes, I do. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this who understood. Alec tried, but he’d get so angry he couldn’t listen long.”
“I wouldn’t say it doesn’t bother me,” I said carefully. “Because hearing how someone preyed on you when you were vulnerable makes me want to commit murder.” I shot her a tight smile. “But talking with someone who’s seen this type of situation through other survivors, like I have, can help. So yeah, I’m listening.”
Ellie inhaled deep through her nose and blew it out slow through pressed lips. “That’s a very honest answer.”
“You’ll only find honesty with me, Ellie. Deception is the root of all evil.”
A corner of her lips twitched, attempting a humorless smile. “That sounds like something you were taught in your childhood.”
She was perceptive, intuitive even. How she always knew what pieces of me were tied to my past spoke to how she saw through to my core. No one had ever tried, looked hard enough to the reason behind my actions and words.
Like called to like, I guess.
“Correct. It was beaten into me from a very early age, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
“Did you have trauma bonding after you left home?” She leaned forward, putting her elbows on the center console. The smell of her sucker wafted over into the driver seat, bringing with it her own sweet scent.
I considered her question for a minute, forming an appropriate response. “I guess you could say that. The minute I turned eighteen, I enlisted in the Marines. What I never told anyone was all the rules during boot camp were nothing new. I made friends with several men, all of us having our own issues, but we formed a bond over a new trauma, not our pasts. That was what helped me the most. I shifted my focus on the future, the new shit I was going through instead of what had happened to me growing up. We all did. After I got out, I got my degree, applied to the FBI, and the rest is history, so to speak.”
I furrowed my brow as I thought about all the cases I’d worked on—the successes and failures. “Even still, some of my past comes roaring back, making me question myself. On most cases, it feels like I’ll never be enough. I don’t know if that’s because in my childhood, nothing was ever good enough, clean enough, sinless enough, or if it’s because it’s truly never enough. There will always be more victims, more people I couldn’t save.”
A small hand touched my forearm and squeezed. “You’re saving me when I thought I was beyond being saved.”
“Am I any better than Brett?” I ground out more to myself. “Because I do want something from you, Ellie. Not in return for all this, but I’m fucking attracted to you, so does the fact that I can barely restrain myself around you mean I’m just as conniving as Brett?”
“Stop.” Her hand popped against my own. I arched a brow, looking between the place she smacked and her face. “I told you I was attracted to you the moment you walked into the bar. I never felt that with Brett, or Jacob, for that matter. I was told I was Jacob’s from a very early age. Then Brett just held on to me. You’ve told me it was my decision from the start. I’m glad you want me, because I want you.”
I gave a stiff nod, the only action I was capable of in that moment with all the conflicting thoughts and messages swirling in my mind.
“And to answer your earlier question, Brett was never physically abusive in the way most people think about domestic violence.” Her hand slipped from my forearm to rest on my thigh. The muscle beneath her touch twitched at the soft contact. “If I tell you something, promise me you won’t ever bring it up to Brett. Not even when he’s being a witch’s cold cunt.”
“A what?” I exclaimed with a bark of a laugh. “Where in the hell did you learn your curse words?”
She grinned and shrugged. “We had to get creative growing up. And anything dealing with the devil or witches was like the ultimate curse. So….”
“And the word cunt?” Heat spread across my cheeks at saying the word around her. Not because I hadn’t said it before or that I was embarrassed talking about the female anatomy, but the word itself. It was crude, and call me old-school, but I hated using such a crass word around a woman unless it was in bed.
“Oh, well, that was a term widely used growing up. It degraded us and our bodies. They made us believe that part of our anatomy was useless and dirty unless a man was claiming it. Understand?”
“Unfortunately.” A flood of rage raced through my veins, boiling my blood. I knew I should keep my mouth shut, shouldn’t say what I wanted to say next, but I couldn’t stop. “That is all kinds of fucked-up, Ellie. I hope you know that now. The female anatomy is beautiful and should be worshipped, not degraded.”
Closing the distance, she leaned over the console to brush her lips against the shell of my ear. “Care to worship me later?”
Keeping my eyes on the road, I reached up and gripped her chin, tugging until her lips sealed with mine. “On my knees, face between your thighs, I’ll worship you until you scream for me, baby. That’s a promise.”
Reluctantly, I relaxed my hold and returned my hand to the steering wheel, gripping it tight to stop myself from ripping her clothes off while driving.
Eyes wide, Ellie retreated back to her seat, a stunned look across her petite face. She held that look long enough that worry crept in that I’d upset her with my descriptive wants.
Fuck.
Lifting in the seat, I adjusted the steel rod in my slacks that was doing everything it could to get to her pussy.
I inhaled deep, readying to apologize, when a wide grin spread across her face while a single hand fanned her blushing cheeks.
“Wow, that was hot. I think I just came a little.” She shuddered and turned toward the windshield, that grin still in place.
With her anticipating the worshipping of her body as much as me, I debated turning the truck around and heading back to Orin, forgetting the day’s plans. But I wouldn’t. No, my throbbing dick would just have to wait.
The anticipation was part of the fun, after all.