Julian #2
After drying my face and putting the mask back on, I go back to her bedroom door ready to confront her.
She hurt herself after she promised me she wouldn’t.
I knock twice before slowly opening it. Her heavy breathing tells me she is sleeping, but not peacefully.
The moon shines through the partly open curtains, showing her tear stained cheeks.
There’s some fresh blood on the sheets coming from the new cuts on her arm.
Why? Why do this to your beautiful self, treasure ?
You must have been hurting pretty bad inside for you to physically hurt yourself.
My previous frustration dissipates quickly.
I know exactly why she felt like she had to bathe in bleach.
I’ve seen it time and time again with many sexual abuse survivors.
They want to make themselves feel clean.
Some scrub themselves raw, others stay in the shower for hours, and some use bleach.
One even used fire to burn wherever the abuser touched.
Every survivor is different, but they all have one thing in common.
They are strong, and they survived.
“Please, no.” Natalie mumbles. “No, stop.” She cries quietly.
Against everything my brain tells me, I reach up and stroke her face. “Shhh, treasure. You’re safe now.” Her eyes start to flicker open slowly. “It’s okay, it was just a nightmare.” I tell her softly. “I’m here now. Nothing to worry about, okay?”
“It’s you. You’re really here.” She reaches out for me, “I didn’t think you would come. You were so angry before.” Her tired voice croaks. “I’m sorry I made you so angry.”
“Shhh.” I wipe a stray tear from her cheek, “you have nothing to apologise for, treasure. I’m the one that should apologise to you. I’m the one who’s supposed to protect you and I failed.” Her lip quivers. “I promise, from now on I will always be there. No matter what.”
“I wanted to scream but I couldn’t.” She turns on the bedside lamp and I feel my temper rise.
I was so angry earlier I didn’t notice. I didn’t notice the hand sized bruise around her throat.
“So I used our memories to distract me from what he was doing. I forced myself to think about anything else but the fact my boss was raping me.” She starts crying at the words.
I knew it. Howard will fucking suffer . I don’t care about his brother. I just want his blood.
I stroke the bruise gently, “you’re safe now Natalie. He won’t get to you anymore.”
She shifts her body around to face me, her legs red raw with mini scratches from what I assume is the bleach soaked luffa in the bath.
I glide my gloved covered hand up her shin to her knee.
Making sure to not go any higher. The cool air in the room makes her skin goosebump, she shivers a little in her shorts and tank top. “ He’s my boss. I have work tomorrow.”
“You’re not going back.” I try to demand, but my voice comes out in a begging tone.
“I have to.” She breathes. “I have to work. I have bills to pay.”
“But…” I pause , I could easily take care of her, she would want for nothing. However, that would mean putting her in even more danger, and I won’t allow that.
“And I’m not going to let that bastard scare me away .” She voices, her strength coming out in just those few words. “I can’t keep running.” she shuffles across the bed a little then pats the empty space beside her. “Stay with me tonight please.”
“Natalie.” I start.
“Please, I promise I won’t look under the mask, just comfort me.” Her small voice hits me straight into my previous blackened heart. This woman in front of me took that black canvas and painted it with her kind words, soft body and allowing me into her life.
Her eyes plead with me, and again I go against what my brain is telling me and slide into the bed beside her.
Whenever I come here I always wear comfortable clothes to sleep in anyway so I don’t need to take anything off as I curl up behind her.
I remove my gloves and throw them behind me, not wanting to disturb her any more.
Her hair tickles my neck, her body trembles slightly as I wrap my arm around her, resting on her stomach.
I feel a bit of skin where her top has risen a little and stroke delicate strokes.
Her shoulders start to shake as loud, heavy sobs escape her lips.
I hold her tighter, not saying a word and letting her cry it out.
That fucker will pay for what he has put my woman through.
I will make sure of it. Even though it will go against every rule my team follows.
It will go against my own boss’ orders. But I don’t care.
Natalie is my world, and that bastard has cracked my world into a million little pieces.
My own heart rips open by hearing her cries, by seeing the slices in her arm because of what he did.
Eventually Natalie’s cries quiet down. Her body stops shaking and she takes a heavy breath. I go to sit up and she whimpers.
“It’s alright, treasure. I’m just going to get you some water.” I whisper while stroking her hair out of her face. “I’ll be back.”
She drinks a quarter of the bottle when I return. I quickly grab a flannel from the bathroom and wash her face before settling back into the bed.
“Thank you.” She whispers. I shuffle behind her and pull her close again, unable to find the bit of skin left uncovered, I lift her top a little and continue with my stroking. “Thank you for coming here tonight, thank you for staying with me.”
“Anytime, treasure. Now go to sleep. And when you wake, I’ll cook you breakfast .”
She huffs out a tired laugh, “when don’t you.” She yawns then sighs. “I would love to know more about you one day. The real you. The man under the mask.” Her voice is quiet and her breathing starts getting heavy before evening out.
I can’t tell her everything, especially about my job as a hit man, or about who my family are.
But maybe I can start with something simple, “You asked for my name once.” I whisper, hoping she is asleep and can’t hear me.
“It’s Julian.” I lift my mask a little to expose my lips and place a kiss against the bite mark on her shoulder.
Her raven hair spreads over the pillow. “Come on Julian.” She pouts. “We’ve been together for years now, we lost our v cards to each other. I love you and yet you’re still holding back. Why?”
My head pounds with the incoming headache. She wants me to show her the real me. The me I keep locked behind my fake smile.
“Jaz, I can’t.”
“You can.” She holds my face in her hands. “We are in this together Julian.” She lifts her hips to meet mine, her pussy wet and ready for me.
I can’t do it.
I can’t.
“Please.” She pleads.
No.
No.
No.
“Julian. I want you to fuck me, no holding back.”
“Jaz.” I shake my head. “No.”
“Yes.” Her eyes show no fear. Maybe, just maybe, she’ll be okay with this.
No.
“Lose control.” She uses her dominant voice.
Fuck.
No.
“Jaz. stop.” I grit my teeth and go to stand. Only for her to pull me back down, wrapping her legs around me to keep me in place.
“No.” She kisses me fiercely. “Show me what you want to do.”
Yes.
No.
Fuck.
“Do it.”
“No.” I try to plead with her one more time, if she tells me again to do it I won’t be able to hold back. “You could get hurt.”
“I trust you won’t hurt me.” She lifts her hips again. “Now do it.”
She won’t like it.
She won’t.
But maybe she will.
She did ask for it.
I don’t want to hurt her.
But maybe she’ll like pain like I do.
Fuck it.
I thrust into her hard. Not giving her time to catch her breath I move quickly.
“Julian.” She groans. I grab her throat. “Mmmm, fuck.” Her pussy clenches around me, it never takes her long to explode. “Julian.” She gasps.
My hand tightens around her pretty little neck, she wanted me to lose control.
So lose control I shall.
“Julian.” My vision blurs as I slam into her repeatedly.
“Julian.” Her body starts to shake. She must be close.
“Julian.” She wheezes. Her hand comes up and connects with my cheek. “You crazy bastard, get off me.” She coughs.
I jump off the bed, confused about what the hell just happened.
“I told you to lose control. Not fucking kill me you psycho.” She screams as she puts her clothes back on. “We’re over.” I notice the bruises forming on her neck. “Do you understand Julian? We are done. Don’t call me again.”
I wake up with sweat dripping down my face, fuck, why did I have to dream of that tonight? Did seeing the bruise on Natalies neck bring the memory back? I’ve not thought of Jaz in years. I was nineteen then and it’s haunted me ever since. I don’t even know what happened. I kind of blacked out.
Never again.
I can never go near someone I love again like that.
I’ll keep her safe from an emotional distance. I can’t sleep beside Natalie again.
I would hate to lose all control and hurt her.
Looking down at the woman tucked against my chest. I make an internal vow to keep her safe - even though it kills me at the thought I can never be intimate with her.
Ever.