30. Carina
thirty
Carina
I walked into Travis’s ward, and my breath caught somewhere between a sob and a laugh. I’d expected him to be lying still, asleep or dozing. Perhaps just quiet.
But he was the opposite. Thank goodness there was no one else in the room with him who needed peace.
A nurse stood on either side of him. They were gently holding his shoulders and reasoning with him, trying to get him to settle down. But Trav wouldn’t have it.
He was jerking his unbandaged hand, trying hard to move the other one—without much luck given it was bandaged and suspended in a sling away from his body. He was tapping his feet and bobbing his head. The blanket that covered him from the waist down was all messed up, as if he’d been trying to kick it off.
Against the washed-out blue of the hospital gown he wore, his skin was pale except for his cheeks. They were flushed pink, his lips a rosy red, and his eyes were glassy. He looked high.
“We will, we will,” Trav sang out of tune at the top of his voice.
I bit back a laugh. He was apparently channeling Freddie Mercury and Roger Taylor now. I shook my head at my sweet, funny man.
But my smile slipped.
He wasn’t mine anymore.
I wanted to wrap him in my arms and hold him. I wanted to comfort Linc and help Jacques heal from the fear in his eyes when he’d witnessed Linc in a full-blown panic attack. I wanted to take care of Trav until he was better. Then I wanted to love all three of them until we were all old and grey.
I’d been so cruel to them. I was ashamed of how I’d acted. I’d panicked. Fear of the unknown had sent my emotions into overdrive. When they’d pressed me, I’d almost caved. I’d almost begged them to let me stay. I’d nearly confessed my feelings. But I’d known that the moment I admitted them out loud, there would be no going back for me. So I’d pushed them away. Then I’d tried to burn the bridges between us to stop myself from going back. It was the only way I could force myself to leave. And I had to leave.
The baby I carried meant that I couldn’t stay. I’d broken my promise that I was on birth control. I couldn’t very well demand now that they contribute to something none of them had ever asked for. One of them was the father. They had rights and obligations—I understood that—but they were so young. They had their whole lives ahead of them. I wouldn’t force them, like I’d been forced, to give up opportunities for a child that they hadn’t asked for.
I hadn’t either. But I couldn’t bring myself to give up the baby. Having Cara had changed the trajectory of my life. I’d loved every second of her childhood. I wanted to do it again. I wanted to have another baby. I’d never realized how much until the moment that positive test result fully sank in. I had the chance now to live the best years of my life afresh. I couldn’t bring myself to terminate.
I’d tried.
I’d talked myself into making an appointment at the clinic so many times over the past few days, but I couldn’t go through with it. Kamirah had checked in on me, and we’d spent hours on the phone, talking it through. She offered to make the booking if that’s what I wanted. She said she’d take me and be with me throughout. She even invited me to stay with her and Chris for as long as I needed, regardless of whether I did or didn’t go to the clinic.
But I couldn’t do it.
I wouldn’t burden Jacques, Trav, and Linc with supporting me and the baby either. What we had was temporary. I’d promised Jacques I wouldn’t ask for a cent from him, and I intended to keep that promise. I wouldn’t go back on my word now. I hadn’t done it with my ex even though I had the right to more than what I’d received. I especially wouldn’t do it with these men who I’d fallen head over heels in love with.
That left me with one option. I had to go home so I could work. I didn’t want to be away from Cara—that was the opposite of what I wanted—but I took solace knowing she was a grown woman who had her men. She could build a life here, and we could visit. Thankfully, technology meant I could speak with her every day no matter where in the world she was.
I touched my hand to my belly. It was growing already, so I had to be a few months along. That was what the weight gain was. I should have picked it earlier. I’d had the same overly sensitive sense of smell with Cara, too, same with the nausea every time I thought of certain foods and drinks.
I exhaled slowly and looked between the three men in front of me. I was really doing it. I was leaving them. I blinked fast, trying to stave off the unshed tears that were burning my eyes. I didn’t want to go, but I would. I wanted this baby.
With one little test, my future became crystal clear. I’d found my purpose again—my children. I wanted to be there, be present this time. I wanted to bask in the mundane everyday things that so many people took for granted. I’d had the successful career and the waterfront mansion. I’d driven beautiful cars and travelled a little. But the thing that fulfilled me the most was raising Cara. I wanted to do it again.
Walking away wasn’t easy. They thought I was being cruel, and I was. I hated hurting them. They were good men, kind and genuine. They’d shown me how happy life could be, how wonderful living with them was. But leaving without giving them a chance to talk was the only way I would survive. No matter how many times I’d told myself not to, I’d gone and fallen headfirst in love with them. All three of them. Leaving would break me. But it was always going to happen. This marriage was only ever temporary. We were always going to go our separate ways no matter how much I wanted to stay.
I hovered by the door as Jacques and Linc walked closer to Trav. Jacques choked out a sob, and Trav slowly turned his head to us. He blinked. His eyes were still glassy. He dropped his hand down and stopped moving his legs.
“Hey,” he croaked out. “Why are y’all crying?”
Linc said to the nurses, “Do you mind if we have a few minutes? We’ll get him to stop moving.”
“Knock yourselves out,” one of them muttered with a relieved smile.
Linc didn’t even wait until they were out of the room. He climbed straight onto the bed and snuggled into Trav’s good side. “Fuck,” he gasped as he buried his face in Trav’s shoulder and held him tight. He shook, and Trav cradled his head with his good hand, holding him close.
“Aw, baby,” Trav breathed.
Jacques looked back over his shoulder and held his hand out. I hesitated. Hugging Linc had almost undone me, but God, I’d needed it. I needed Jacques, too, but was it selfishness or comfort? I honestly couldn’t tell.
I gave up fighting when he wiggled his fingers and looked at me expectantly. When I took his hand, he led me over to Trav’s bed, and I perched on the side while Jacques pressed a kiss to Trav’s forehead.
Trav smiled, a drunken, woozy grin, and a second later he added, “Y’all, I’m gonna join a band. Play drums.”
“Do you know how to play drums?” Jacques asked, biting back a smile. He was blinking back tears too.
I acted on instinct, purely without thinking, when I wrapped my arm around Jacques’s waist. The moment I did it, I regretted it—not because I was touching him, but because I had to stop. Before I could let him go, Jacques leaned into me, holding me tight.
“No, but I’ll learn,” he drawled, his Texas accent somehow stronger. “When are y’all leaving?”
“We only just got here,” Linc mumbled.
He met my gaze, his eyes suddenly sharper. The high from the anesthetic was wearing off. “Carina,” he clarified.
I opened my mouth to explain, but nothing came out. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to give them up. But I had to. My shoulders slumped, and Jacques let go of me, stepping closer to Trav.
“I don’t want anyone else,” Trav said out of the blue. “I don’t want to be famous. I just want to come home to you.”
Linc pulled back and gazed at Trav, his brows furrowed and lips turned down in confusion. “What are you talking about?” he asked.
“I don’t want to be a famous drummer,” Trav explained.
“Oh. Okay,” Jacques said at the same time as Linc responded, “I got that. What about not wanting anyone else?”
“Well, yeah,” Trav said. He shrugged, but before he could say anything further, we were interrupted by a knock on the door.
Linc shifted so he could climb off the bed. But Trav held him tight, pulling him back down.
“We can come back later if you’d like,” the chief said, the woman he’d been waiting with still by his side.
“Hey, Chief, Lopez. I’m gonna be a drummer.”
“Are you now, Travis?” the chief asked with a smile. Turning to us, he asked, “Anesthesia?”
Jacques nodded and shot him a small smile.
“We’ll come back tomorrow, Travis. Good to see you in one piece, son.”
Trav gave a half salute/half wave, and the chief and Lopez walked out.
I wiped my hands down my cotton shorts and slipped off the bed. “I should go too.” I gestured to the exit with a tilt of my head.
“No,” Trav responded bluntly. “No. I’m stuck here and y’all’s gonna listen. I don’t want to be with other girls. I want the four of us. I want everything. Even when I’m not famous, I still want y’all.”
Tears sprang to my eyes. I’d dreamed of hearing those words, but everything had changed. I couldn’t stay. “I can’t,” I responded, my voice barely a whisper.
“Even if I can’t have y’all forever, I want y’all now.”
“That’s the problem, Trav. I can’t give you any more now. I can’t do six or nine more months, then leave. Not anymore.”
“Fine,” he huffed and tried to cross his arms. He was pouting, and it was adorable, but I could see the hurt in his eyes.
Jacques asked quietly, “Why not?”
This. This right here was why I couldn’t talk to them. I was going to need every ounce of strength I possessed to walk out of the door after this conversation. Hot tears scalded my cheeks as they fell. I wrapped my arms around my waist, protecting my baby, and needing to shield myself from the agony.
“I won’t be a burden on you. I’m already too attached. It’s going to kill me, but I can’t stay. I need to do the right thing.”
I didn’t know what my future held. I was about to start fresh. I’d lost my best friend, my parents barely spoke to me, and my daughter was going to be living halfway across the world. I didn’t even know where I would move to. I probably couldn’t afford to stay on the Gold Coast, not without working myself to the bone to pay rent. So where would I go? The uncertainty and pressure were weights that settled heavily on my shoulders.
Linc sat up, and with a finger under my chin, turned me to face him. “It’s okay. It can seem overwhelming sometimes, but we can get through this.”
I shook my head, and he rubbed my arms before continuing, “Do you remember my promise to you? I told you that I’d support you no matter what. I told you I’d be there for you.”
“Things have changed,” I protested.
“But my promise to you hasn’t.”
“It’s not just me, though.”
He froze, not even blinking for the longest moment.
“Carina, I need you to spell this out for us in words that all of us will understand, even Trav when he’s—” Jacques waved his hand and tried to stifle his fond grin. “—Goofy the drummer boy.”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out. Elation warred with heartbreak, and my tears started again. I was so freaking emotional. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t even think straight. But I knew what needed to be done.
“I don’t know how far along I am. But that’s why I need to leave now. I can’t stay for another few months because I won’t be able to travel after that, and I need to go home and set myself up.” Each word tumbled out of my mouth faster and faster. I had to get this all out. I needed them to understand that I wasn’t going to demand they change their entire lives for me.
“I need to get a job and find a place. I promise I wasn’t going to ask you for any money. I was going to do this on my own. I know I broke the deal. I know that getting pregnant wasn’t what we agreed and not even what you wanted, but….”
I wiped my tears with the heel of my hand and looked away from them. I was curled into myself, trying to make myself smaller. I wanted to disappear. “I don’t want to be a burden,” I whispered.
“Are… are you serious?” Linc asked.
I snapped my head up at his tone. I’d expected him to be angry, even disappointed, but there was excitement in his voice and wonder in the sparkle in his eyes. He smiled, then let out a whoop and dragged me closer to him. I squeaked out a protest, but he didn’t ease up until I was practically sitting on Trav’s legs. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pressed a smacking kiss to my temple.
“You’re having a baby?” Trav asked.
I bit my lip and nodded.
“But what about us?” he pressed, a little put out. “We don’t get to be dads?”
Tears sprang to my eyes again, and I shook my head. “I don’t know who the dad is.” I looked at Linc and winced. “I’m showing already.” I left it unsaid that he couldn’t be the dad.
“But it’s one of us?” Jacques asked, but it was more of a statement. He crossed his arms over his chest, and the hurt in his eyes stole my breath. “Were you not even going to tell us? Would we find out in fifteen, twenty years when the kid shows up on our doorstep to find out why we’d never been involved in their life? What in the world made you think we wouldn’t want this or even want to know?” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Carina. I’m….”
He turned around and walked out of the room. My heart shattered as I watched him leave.
“The divorce,” I whispered. “That’s why I was going to do it by myself.”
“But you don’t need to,” Linc said gently. He cupped my chin and rested his forehead against mine. “I understand not wanting to feel like a burden.” He huffed out a laugh, but it held no humor. “Fuck, do I ever.”
When he pulled back, he pressed his lips together in a sympathetic smile. “But the thing is, Jacques has never once acted like he wants what we’re building to be over once he gets his contract renewal. He signed those papers for you , to give you the freedom to walk away. He didn’t want you to feel obligated to stay.” He brushed my hair off my face, his fingertips lingering near my chin. With his free hand, he clasped mine, interlacing our fingers and holding tight. “One of the things we discovered when we first started dating was that all three of us wanted kids. We’ve spoken about surrogacy before. Adoption too. We stopped talking about it when you came along.”
I tore my gaze away from Linc and turned to Trav. He was nodding, but it wasn’t the same head bob that he’d been doing while singing. He was focused, his eyes clear. He was serious, too, no smile to be seen on his face.
Linc squeezed my hand and when I turned back to him, he continued, “Jacques wanted to talk to you about kids, but you were at pains to assure us you were on birth control. He figured you didn’t want to entertain the idea of having another.”
“What are you saying?” I asked, disbelieving what I was hearing.
“I’m saying that I agree with Travis. No more open relationships, no more divorce, no more ending this after Jacques gets his contract renewal. We’re together. That means you stay with us. Permanently. We raise that baby together, the four of us.” He smiled, this one a whole lot more genuine than the others he’d given me. “Agreed?”
“What about Jacques?”
“Give him a minute. He’ll be back.”
“Are you going to stay, darlin’?” Trav asked cautiously.
“I never wanted to leave,” I whispered. Regret stole my voice. I’d been so mean. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I yelled and screamed, carrying on like a pork chop, and for what? If I’d just spoken to you, none of the heartbreak over the past few days would have happened.”
Trav reached for my other hand and squeezed it.
“This is bullshit,” Jacques said from the doorway. “I don’t want you to go. I want us together—all four of us. I’m in love with you. I think I always have been. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want you on the opposite side of the world. I want you, and I want to be a dad.”
“I—I love you too,” I blubbered, my tears falling again. I slipped off the bed and went over to Jacques. “I love you and I love Linc and Trav too. I don’t want to leave either.”
He wrapped me in his arms and held me tight. I laid my head on his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart. That’s what this man was. Steady and all heart. I breathed him in, soaking in the comfort and solace of his arms. There was no doubt—he gave the best hugs. They were healing and warm.
Jacques brushed his fingers through my hair, and I looked up at him. He wiped the tears from my cheek with his thumb, and I rose up on my tiptoes. Jacques pressed his lips to mine, a soft brush, almost tentative. My whimper was quiet, but he heard it. Jacques kissed me again, this time deeper and longer. His tongue stroked mine, touching and tasting me. It was slow and thorough, and it left me floating.
When he finally pulled back, he shocked me, dropping to his knees and touching my belly reverently. He pressed his lips just below my bellybutton and said, “Hey Peanut, I’m your papa. Dad and Daddy are over there. You’re so loved.” He laughed, a mix between a sob and a chuckle. “We can’t wait to meet you.”
I carded my fingers through Jacques’s hair and held him to me while I cried. Within moments, Linc was behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist to hold my belly. I leaned back against him and turned my face into the crook of his neck. He kissed my forehead, and Trav grumbled.
“Ah, a little help?”
I looked over, and Trav was half off the bed. His arm was out of the sling, but the drain that was attached to his arm was tangled in it.
“Jesus, Travis,” Linc swore and raced over to him.
Jacques was a second behind, rushing to his side. They helped him into the bed again, and I eased his arm back into the sling.
“Can I hug you?” I asked.
“Get over here,” he said, lifting his good arm to make room for me.
I darted around the bed and crawled onto it, trying to be as gentle as possible. When I was settled, he said, “I love you too, darlin’.”
“Me too. I love you too,” Linc said. He stood behind me, one hand on my hip, shoulder to shoulder with Jacques, who was playing with my hair.
“Do you really want this?” I asked. “Me?”
A chorus of “Yes” and “We do” rang out.
I closed my eyes and squeezed Trav tighter. “So do I.”
Everything I ever dreamed of was right there in front of me. My men, our home, a baby, and our pup. I couldn’t believe that I’d nearly thrown it away because I was too scared to tell them. I’d tried to hide it from them, thinking I was protecting them, but I was wrong. And I’d never been happier to be.
“I’m sorry I ever doubted you,” I whispered. “I thought I had to do it alone. Thank you for proving me wrong.”
Jacques leaned down and kissed me. “Thank you for giving us the chance.”