Chapter 30 Vae
Vae
PAST
The parties have never held any interest for me, but I love seeing the glow that Malcolm gets. Deacon dances a lot, and I spend a lot of time discreetly watching him and torturing myself.
Raynor plays live music sometimes but just chats and talks.
I end up in my room, with headphones on, studying something or reading the new advanced reader copy from my favourite author.
Despite the scare two months ago, it turns out whatever-her-name-was was not pregnant. And we could prove with whom she spent her heat with. It was a huge scandal, and she and her heat friends ended up being escorted off the campus and a public apology was made to my pack.
I push that aside because something has been eating at me. This sense that I need to change things, that this pain is inevitable.
I open up an email and send the author a message.
“What would your characters do if they’d all known each other since they were kids? Would they still fall in love?”
The response takes a while to come. I’m almost asleep when my phone chimes.
I open it up and see two words.
“Why not?”
Okay, I can hold out for a little bit longer.
PRESENT
Being out, packing up the hotel room, and cancelling the apartment I was going to rent out has taken a long time today. We’d been messaging each other almost constantly until a couple of hours ago, but they probably are busy. It doesn’t matter; I’m almost home, and I can see them.
I can’t wait to show them the new ideas I have for the bakery, and I’ve a new recipe they might like. It’s healthy, too.
My happiness has been infectious, and I’ve been spreading it everywhere I’ve been today.
But I can’t wait to get home.
Home to them.
I sing along to the music, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel as I turn into the neighbourhood.
The streets are full of cars, and it’s dark.
I should have come home hours ago, but I didn’t want to go back to the hotel room.
It took me a while to pack up, and then Mrs Crampton, the housekeeper, offered me tea and biscuits, and she’s so lovely, I couldn’t say no.
I laugh as I imagine Raynor telling me off for being so nice.
I think about their knots and the last couple of days, and my cheeks turn molten, I squirm on the seat. My alphas.
“I have alphas,” I say out loud. I want them again.
The first thing I notice are all the cars. My stomach drops, but there’s no way. A tiny voice in my head whispers that it was too good to be true. The denial screams through my mind because they wouldn’t, they wouldn’t treat me like the other girls. They said I was different, that we were forever.
No, I’m wrong. Of course, I’m wrong.
“Calm down. Just go and see them first; it’s probably not what you think.”
I park my car halfway up the street and walk. The music is thudding across the entire neighbourhood, the deep bass making the very air bounce.
That horrible feeling gets stronger and stronger. I almost don’t want to walk a single step further. My throat aches, and I’m shaking like a leaf, but I keep moving forward.
A sob catches in my throat, but I hang onto that hope. I cling to it, desperate to be wrong, because if this is our home and a party, then I’ve made a serious mistake.
I stumble in my effort to hurry, twisting my ankle so that every time I put my weight on it, pain lances up the bone.
I gasp and brush the tears aside, covering my face with my hands. I’m not crying because of my ankle. I’m admitting the truth. Accepting the truth. I know where that music’s coming from, and I just don’t want to face it in person, I don't want to see what they’ve done.
In the dark, I limp down the street and stop where I can see the house.
Shock roots me to the spot, and as it fades, pain tears me asunder.
There are people everywhere, coming and going.
The party fairy lights are wrapped around the porch.
The music is indeed coming from the house, as are the screams, laughter, and general mayhem.
I don’t know how many people are in there, but I’m guessing a lot.
In my nest.
My heart clenches painfully, and I turn and vomit into the gutter. The horror and absolute violation of strangers being in my nest cripples me. I claw at my chest, aching in a way that I can’t describe. There are no words for this soul wound.
“No, don’t do this to me. Don’t do this!” I sob brokenly.
I peel open my eyes, blink the tears away, and watch the house. There has to be some reason, there has to be something. They wouldn’t do this to me. They wouldn’t.
Still, all the long years of friendship will not let me leave. The last few days won’t let me leave.
“They promised things would be different. Trust, I have trust. Please, please be a reason, please be something. Don’t do this. Please.”
I grip my hair and pull, torn between self-preservation and needing to know one way or another what has happened.
More people go in and out, but I don’t see them. Maybe they aren’t here? Maybe this is a mistake?
I stay under the tree, just watching.
“Vae? Is that you, honey?”
I turn and spot our neighbour, Dash. He's a middle-aged alpha with a beta who is his life mate and two small children.
I swallow thickly and try to smile.
“Another party, huh?”
“I…” I struggle really hard not to cry, but the tears start again. He comes over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.
“Oh, Vae, it’s okay. It’s a party. We know it’s not your fault, and you tried to stop it. No judgment from us, honey.”
“Call the police.”
He stiffens, his mouth falling open. “What?”
“Call the police on them. I know I always try to stop you, but, this time, do it. Call the cops. Report them.”
“Vae,” he says in a deep, concerned voice. “What’s happened? Did they hurt you?”
I swipe at my tears and shake my head. “No-”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not-”
He inhales. “You had your heat.” He looks at the house and growls. “You had your heat,” he repeats and shakes his head. “What are they thinking?”
“Call the police, please.”
He looks at me, and he must see something in my face. “Okay, but, Vae, go stay somewhere else. Let them stew. They’ll show who they really are if they have a night to wallow.”
He leaves, but I’m still searching the porch, waiting to see any sign of them. I need to see them.
Raynor comes out onto the porch, followed by Mal and Deacon. They are laughing and having fun like normal, like everything is the way it was. Like the last week meant nothing. My heart clenches. I will go over there, and they can tell me it’s all just a big misunderstanding.
One last chance. That’s all they deserve. Just one.
But then the universe, my whole world, grinds to a stop. Indy comes up and puts her arms around Mal. He puts his hands on her waist and says something that makes her laugh.
I can’t move; I can’t do anything but watch.
As if he can sense me, Deacon lifts his head and stares right at where I am.
Indy swings to him and puts one of her delicate hands on his cheek. He looks down, looks back at me, and then leans down and kisses her.
My stomach heaves, and I cover my mouth. I can’t take my eyes off them. He’s kissing her. He lifts her up, and she wraps her legs around him, rubbing all over my alpha.
No…not mine.
I guess…I was wrong.
My breath hitches in my lungs; the screaming is only inside my head. I’d never let it out. I’ll never let them know.
The problem with the Lost Boys is that no matter how hard you want to be with them…they never, ever grow up.
I turn, leaning on the tree for a minute, and then, while the street fills with sirens and blue and red lights, I limp away.
I don’t know where to go now.
But I drive because anywhere is better than here.
I thought losing them as lovers would be bad. But losing my family…that’s what’s going to scar my soul.
And I know that tonight…that was the last time.
No more chances.
I come out of the bathroom and crawl onto the bed, curling up on my side, my knees to my chest. The sobs won’t stop; the pain is relentless.
The hotel sheets are clean, and the room is small, but it doesn’t feel right; it doesn’t feel safe.
“What happened?” I whine. “I don’t understand what happened?”
It takes until the sun rises in the morning before the pain transforms into fury. I gave them all the chances. I put my heart on the line. I was courageous, and I was honest. They are not my boys. They have changed, and I don’t even know them anymore.
The anger I feel has me breathless. I need to get out of there. I can’t go back there.
I grab my phone and dial a number, chewing on my thumbnail, while I look out at the sunrise. It’s beautifully orange. It reminds me of war.
“Oh, God, who calls at this time in the morning?”
“Jansen?”
There’s a moment of silence before I hear him move quickly and bump into something. He curses, but then he’s walking.
“Where are you? Are you safe?”
I burst into tears.
“Vae? Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”
“I have nowhere to live. I have no job. They took everything.” My voice is broken, I am broken.
There’s a moment of pure wrath that pulses in the air, an alpha who is so strong you don’t even have to be in the same room with him to feel it.
“Where are you?”
I rattle off my address.
“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Get dressed; we’re going out for breakfast, and then we’re making a plan.”
Jansen pulls me into a hug the minute he sees me. “You look like shit, Vae.”
He ushers me to a sports car I haven’t seen yet. I climb in and put my seatbelt on.
He gets in and reaches out, covering my knee. “It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not.”
He drives us to a very exclusive restaurant and leads me inside. No one else is here. The warm lighting gives it an intimate feel, while the solid textured surfaces and minimalist design make it feel open.
“Sit anywhere.”
I glance around. “Is it even open yet?”
“It is, but only to us.”
I find a seat near the window where we can watch the street. He sits opposite me.
“Talk to me.”
And, in jarring sentences, I spit the whole thing out. Telling him about the heat, the lead-up, how they were so sweet and kind, and then coming home last night with forever in my eyes and finding instead another omega in my place.
“Indy?”
I nod miserably and pull at the croissant that is sitting on my plate.
“It’s weird that they just changed like that.”
“Maybe they didn’t change; maybe this is who they are.”
“But they’d never hurt you before; in fact, they were rabid if anyone hurt you, so why would they just start?”
“Sex changes things,” I whisper. “Maybe I’m no longer Vae; now I’m just a notch on the bedpost.”
Jansen gets a call and excuses himself to answer it. I catch Marilyn’s name, but I tune them out and stare at the world. It’s so cold without them.
It was one thing to walk away before, but walking away like this…this is worse.
“Come on, Vae. I’ve got something to show you.”
I follow him as he leads me on a half an hour walk. He stops in front of a small, closed shop. A guy stands there and hands over a key.
“Thanks, Rosco.”
Jansen opens the door and guides me in.
“I want to offer you a deal.”
I wince and then regret my action.
He chuckles. “No sex or dating. You and I are going to be the best of friends.”
I peer up at him. “What’s the deal, then?”
“I have been investing in small business, and I really wanted to part-own a bakery.”
I blink up at him.
“If you would want this property, it could be yours. You liked the neighborhood, right? It’s in a very central spot.
Nice parks, people, and family friendly.
Plus, since I know you’re not going to want to stay with anyone, there is a room upstairs if you wanted to live above the shop until you can find your own place. ”
I stare at him, my head reeling.
I’ve lost my heart, but he’s giving me my dream.
“Jansen, you can’t-”
“Don’t tell me I can’t. I have too much money, and I get bored, and this is what I do. I will draft a contract, but look at it this way: I’m going to choose someone, so why shouldn’t it be you? Besides, I really like cake.”
Before I start to cry, he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.
“I promise, Vae, it will not feel like this forever. It will get easier, and until it does, you can keep yourself busy with your shop and your new best friend. Please stop crying, Vae; you need to sleep. Come on, you can stay in my guest room for a couple of days.”
He guides me out of my soon-to-be bakery and takes me home, where he tucks me into the most luxurious bed I’ve ever laid in.
I’m so tired that I fall asleep almost instantly.
And dream of them.