Chapter 31 Vae
Vae
PAST
The letter comes in the mail, an unexpected and unwelcome reminder of dreams I used to have. I’ve been accepted into the LeRoux Culinary Academy. On the other side of the world.
I remember Maria insisting that I apply. I thought I’d thrown it all in the bin. She must have sent it.
I stare at it, wanting it so badly.
The door slams open.
“I’m telling you that umpire hates me. It was a cheap shot, and he just gave it to him.”
“He was better than you.”
I fold up the application and push it into the drawer. They will never find it here.
PRESENT
The movers go in like a storm, removing all my belongings while they are at training.
When we walk out the door, I’ve left no sign of me. I’ve erased my existence. With the exception of one room.
They don’t know my address. I’ve changed my number. No one who knows me will give them any information.
What we need is a clean break, and I need to disappear.
Jansen puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his chest.
“It will be okay, Vae. You’ll survive.”
I sniffle. “Thanks for helping me with this.”
“Anytime.”
Is this the worst moment of my life? Yes.
But I’m glad to have one friend with me.
The last three days, he’s been with me constantly, bringing me ice-cream, chocolate, junk food, and letting me cry all over his shoulder.
I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve him, but I will give him free cake for life.
I’m not sure how good I’m going to be for anything else. I have never felt this bad before. The only thing I can think to do is run.
I don’t know what else to do.
This is the only shred of self-preservation that I have.
“Can you give me a minute? I just need to…say goodbye.”
“Sure, I’ll be out here waiting for you. Take as long as you need.”
I walk up the uneven pavers and up onto the wooden porch. There are scars in the wood that came from a thousand memories I was witness to. When I enter the house, it already smells different.
There is something so final about this.
I stand there, tears streaming down my cheeks, shoulders shaking, a fist to my mouth to smother the sounds. My heart’s breaking and broken.
I loved them so much.
Would it have been better to just be friends? To have gone on forever without ever having a taste of the other side?
I walk into the kitchen and take the envelope out of my jeans pocket and place it on the table.
It’s all that I have left to give them. My heart written in words and a hope for a happy future–for all of us.
It’s fitting that it should end here.
I stumble back away from the kitchen, seeing the ghosts of them as teens, aging around me into strong alphas who have so much potential.
I go to the room I’ve been avoiding. Raynor’s room, where we built my nest. I open the door, and it’s my scent and theirs, and it hits me in a hot wave.
I walk in and close the door.
When I walk out half an hour later, my chest is heaving, tears are streaming down my cheeks, but I feel stronger, better.
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough,” I spit through clenched teeth.
I back out of the house and then push my key through the letter slot.
It’s over.
I’m numb as I climb into Jansen’s truck. He drives me not to the apartment that Marilyn got for me but to the bakery where I’ve decided to move into. That was our deal. If I allowed him to help me move, he had to let me do this alone. To start living alone.
He had protested a fair bit about me living here alone. But, in the end, I think he realised that I needed it.
It’s pretty crappy, but it’s clean, and it’s mine. I don’t need anything bigger than that.
The movers carefully bring my things up, and Jansen stops at the bottom of the stairs and looks around.
“It needs cleaning, but it will be good.”
He smiles. “I can see it. What are you called?”
“Neverland.”
He snorts a laugh. “Well, I’ll be back when you open, but let me know if you need anything beforehand. Promise me you will call me. I hate that I have to go on this trip.”
I force myself to laugh. “I can’t thank you enough, Jansen,” I say softly.
“It was my pleasure, Vae. You take care of yourself, and anytime you need help, heat or otherwise, you let me know. I will always be available to you.”
I hug him. His warm spice scent is comforting but nothing that attracts me. I wish it did. God, I wish it did.
He leaves, and the closing of the door is awful because now, for the first time, I’m alone. Truly alone. It feels like if I break the silence, there will be an echo.
I pull out my phone and look through the people I could call. I don’t want to bother the people I could call, but most of my contacts are to do with the Scorpions.
I’ve got the entire team on speed dial.
I look at the list and delete them one by one. I get to the coach. The assistant coach and Marilyn. Then, in a rush, I delete them, too. I sent an email to Marilyn and quit. I hadn’t touched the money she gave me, so I just destroyed the card.
Now, I have no connection to them anymore.
There are seven contacts left in my phone. Mandy and Jansen. The community centre manager. My old boss. Raynor, Malcolm, and Deacon.
I hover my thumb over the delete button, but I can’t do it. I can’t get rid of them completely.
I put my phone away and start unpacking and then cleaning the small shop front. It takes me most of the night, and by dawn, I’m so tired that I fall into bed.
My last thought is that they would have seen the letter by now.
The next few days are weird. The silence from my phone, I thought it would be easier, but as time goes on, it gets harder and harder. I didn’t realise how often we spoke until we didn’t.
“Like a damn addiction,” I whisper and keep scrubbing the oven.
It’s almost ready now. My store.
The sign is the cutest little cupcake with a pirate ship on the top and Neverland written in cursive. The artist went above and beyond.
Tomorrow, I open the store and see if I can make my dream come true.
A tiny voice in my head tells me the only reason I’m fighting so hard for this dream is so that I feel worthy of them.
Which is ridiculous because they’ve already proven to be the most unworthy of alphas.
I keep seeing Indy and Deacon kissing.
Over and over.
Even in my dreams.
Every time I start to falter and want to go back to them, I see them together.
But I miss Raynor’s hugs and Mal’s voice. I miss the way Deacon would look at me with a little smirk. I miss everything.
The rack collapses, and I hit my elbow hard. I spin around, cursing and holding my arm. Tears well in my eyes, and I do something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I pull off my gloves, grab a biscuit and a drink, and sit down on the floor with my phone.
Then I go on the Scorpion's social media page.
Deacon went out last night with Indy. They look very happy together. Mal played one of his best games.
There’s no word of Raynor, but I didn’t think there would be. I ache to see him. In just a few movements of my thumbs, I bring up his socials.
Nothing.
“What the hell?” I search his name. His page isn’t just empty. It’s gone.
I search again and again. But nothing comes up.
I swipe a tear away and try to calm the roiling in my stomach. No, I don’t care. Do I?
What happened? Is he okay? Panic seizes my stomach before I remember it’s not my problem. I keep having to remind myself, but then I think of all the things that might have happened to him.
“I can’t turn off a lifetime of caring in a couple of days. But Raynor has them, and he doesn’t care enough to worry about me. So, let them go and clean the storage containers.”
They are a pack, and they look after each other. They have proven they can do it already.
They don’t need me. All they need is Indy.
I keep those words on repeat, but then I remember the way Raynor sounds when I take him into my mouth, and I remember the way his eyes soften when he moves inside me.
“It looked like love,” I whisper to myself.
I sit down on the floor with my phone open, staring at Raynor’s name and the lack of profiles there.
“Where are you?”
Memories twist, and I remember the last night we spent together.
Malcolm whispers to me in the dead of night. I’m sitting on his lap in the backyard, and we’re looking up at the stars. He kisses my neck, murmuring how beautiful I am.
I rub my face and see Deacon, exhausted but smiling as he walks into the nest the morning the heat broke.
He’s gone out and gotten breakfast for us.
It’s just junk food, but it’s my favourite, those little pikelets that are so sweet and hot.
We get back into bed, and while I’m eating, Deacon falls asleep with his head in my lap. His arm wrapped around me.
He’s always had trouble sleeping. But, right now, he’s out like a light. I stroke his hair, not wanting to move but knowing I have to. Still, because Deacon is asleep on my lap, I reach for my alarm and change it for an hour later.
I just don’t want this moment to end.
But it’s the memory of Raynor moving in me in the middle of the night while the other two are asleep, our hands laced together, his mouth pressed to mine, whispering that he loves me over and over, that has me curling into a tight ball of pain.
I close my phone and stare into space for a long time, refusing to let my brain go back to them, then I get back up and keep scrubbing. Maria always said hard work killed idle thoughts.
I have one dream left. Only one reason to keep fighting in this world.
Focus.
Focus on the dream.
“After all, it’s all I have left.”