Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
I exited Hockey House into the driveway. My emotions weren’t dissipating. Guilt, remorse, and devastation ping-ponged itself around my mind. Jackson was the king of sunny disposition. No matter what happened, he always brushed it off. He was quick to forgive and often reassured me that things weren’t my fault. How could the man who constantly told me Dad’s accident wasn’t my fault be the same one who just threw me out in the cold?
He lied.
The slap of realization hurt worse than the catfight. He’d never tell me how he really felt before, especially about the accident. But the way he looked at me tonight spelled it all out. It was more than just a fight in front of his friends. He hated me for being the reason Dad died, understandably. Shit, half the town felt the same way.
Dad had been the head coach at BU for over 15 years. We grew up at the university’s ice rink. My dad’s colleagues from the athletics department spent countless occasions at our home. From summer barbecues to Dad’s massive Christmas party. They watched Jackson and me grow up. Losing him left a hole in this town. I could handle the stares that I frequently received. Eyes didn’t do any damage, it was the whispers that wrecked my soul.
‘I heard she had to be picked up after missing her bus’
‘No, they had been fighting in the car’
‘She was behind the wheel’
‘Heard she was high’
‘She didn’t even cry’
Even now, people stared. The whispers being shared were different versions of the same lies. I needed to remember to put on my game face. These people didn’t know half of it. They were right about most of it. I was the reason he was dead, after all.
My guilt ate at me while I stood frozen on the front lawn. The party continued around me, with the periodic person shooting me a curious glance. My inability to leave fueled their whispers. The voices whirring louder and louder in my mind.
Make it all stop.
Just…
STOP.
A sob fought to escape my lips, and I threw my hands over my ears. I fucked up both tonight and that fateful night. I should’ve been the one to die. Dad could’ve done so much more for the world than me. My heart ached as I settled on a decision. Maybe it’d be better for everyone involved if I just ceased to exist. So many people told me as much daily. I’ll finally give the people what they want. It’d be easy enough to do. Brushing away the stray tears on my cheeks, I pulled out my keys. The last thing I wanted to do was shuffle back to my empty apartment. Taking my car out when I got home sounded like a better idea. There was a bottle of Fireball hidden in my glove compartment. The nice thing about Bloomington U was that it’s surrounded by farmland. It'd be easy enough. Just drive out onto the country roads, park somewhere inconspicuous and disappear. That idea sounded nice right about now.
“Oh no, you do not Maci Rae!”
I looked up to see Hunter exiting the house. His body bounced from jogging down the front steps. His cheeks flushed crimson and his eyes screamed with anger. Great. Just what I needed, another person telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.
“Fuck off Hunter,” With my decision made, I forced my legs to move away from him towards my apartment.
Hunter grabbed my arm, using his free hand to grab my keys.
“I’m not about to let you ruin someone else’s life because you can’t seem to stop ruining yours,” He seethed. How did he know my intentions? For all he knew, I was just going to go home and pass out. Leave it to Hunter to have a weird sixth sense about my decisions.
“Give me back my keys, Hunter.”
“Fuck no! You’re drunk.” He unhooked my apartment key from the key ring, sliding the others into his back pocket.
“You’re not my brother. I’m not your responsibility.”
“Thank god for that, right? Because what a sorry excuse of a sister you’ve been.” His face encroached on my own and goosebumps broke out along my arms from his proximity. The wintergreen scent of his gum danced across my cheeks.
Hunter continued his tirade without pause, “You’ve had your head so far up your own ass, you don’t even see how much Jackson is hurting. He needs you, but once again, the world only revolves around Maci, right? That’s what that was in there, right? Same as the night of the fucking accident?”
He was goading me, and I was falling for it. He knew what had just happened there. Couldn’t he see that I’m broken? At my mental limit of people tearing me down? I didn’t want to feel anymore. It would be over soon, and I would be out of his hair for good .
“You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about!” I yelled. Red splotches took over my face, my anger rearing its ugly head. He needed to back off for a few minutes. Where was the Hunter who was coaxing me to come over tonight? Who teased me about calling him Hunt and gave me his sweater so I wouldn’t be cold? The groups of people on the porch quieted, choosing to focus on our fight. Cell phones danced in my periphery. We were about to be TikTok gold.
“Oh, but don't I? Poor little Maci didn't get her way again, so she had to go ruin it for everyone else. Except this time the consequences were killer.”
Seeing red, I snapped. My adrenaline rushed and my fingers curled into a fist. For the second time tonight, I threw my weight into a punch like Jackson taught me to as a kid. Hunter’s head moved to the side as my fist connected with his cheek. The crowd gasped in shock. My jaw felt like it fell to the floor when I made eye contact with Hunter. His eyes darkened while he wiped the blood from a minor cut. A quick flash of pride crossed his face, and I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. He looked like he was about to say something as a police officer jogged over.
“Hey!” He shouted, and I froze.
Quickly, Hunter tried to cover for me. “It’s okay, officer. We were just messing around. I bet she couldn't throw a punch, man was I wrong!” He let out a fake chuckle.
The police officer’s eyes bounced between us, trying to determine the validity of his statement.
“A bet? Are you sure? Half the block heard you two arguing. If this is some male pride thing, I can assure you, we take assault seriously.”
Wheels turned in Hunter’s mind. What the fuck was he about to do?
He smirked, “You know what, officer? You’re right. She assaulted me, not to mention we just threw her out of the house for doing the same to another girl inside. I want to press charges.” His eyes locked onto my own. “Since you can’t seem to help yourself,” he muttered, so only I could hear.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I yelled.
“M’am, I’m going to need you to put your hands behind your back,” the officer approached, taking the cuffs off his belt holster.
The officer raised his chin back towards the house, where the party continued, “Break this shit up before I come back and do it myself,” He added.
“Shit, Maci Rae is getting arrested!” Someone yelled in the crowd. Cheers broke out and someone else yelled, “Good riddance!”
The cold metal on my wrists sent a chill up my spine. The officer placed my arms behind my back and my head spun from a mixture of the alcohol and the bewilderment of the situation. My Miranda rights echoed around me in slow motion and my heart kick started, panic surging through me.
“Fuck you, Hunter!” I spat.
The officer tugged me towards his cruiser. Jackson came crashing through the crowd, Kennedy right on his heels. The officer pushed my head down, ensuring that I could sit.
“What happened?!” He roared.
“Ask your fucking bestie over there!” I snapped.
Jackson’s face turned red in fury, and he charged toward Hunter. Kennedy tried to push herself between the two of them. She held Jackson back, her arms banded around his shoulder while he yelled at Hunter.
The cop took his position behind the wheel and pulled away. Wanting to see my brother for as long as possible, I turned my body towards the window.
He fought against Kennedy’s arms, although he wasn’t using his full strength to do so. Hunter gestured to the police vehicle while the two continued to argue. Something softened on my brother’s face and he let Kennedy’s arms linger around him longer than necessary.
The officer called in my arrest and fiddled with the radio, old eighties rock filling the car. I would never forgive Hunter for this. I hoped he tripped and fell during practice and broke that pretty face of his. The only thing to do now was to pray that this fuck up wouldn’t haunt me as long as my last one did.
Fuck me.