11. Chapter 11
Chapter eleven
Aspen
A fter our talk this morning, I felt optimistic. I could feel Ryan’s sincerity in his apology and in the way he made love to me. I didn’t even allow Hadley, walking in super early, to spoil my mood. Not even when she made a comment under her breath about selfish people when Ryan was out of earshot. The minute I stopped trying to get her to like me, I stopped caring what she thought of me. Ryan’s actions—how he handles her—are the only ones that matter to me. Not hers. And if she does decide to move back? Well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. No use stressing about something that might or might not happen.
What did dampen my mood, though, was when Ryan informed me of Hadley’s invitation to their friends. The look I gave him clearly conveyed my “ See what I’m talking about?”
He apologized, said she did it without his knowledge and he had words with her about it. That made me feel a tiny bit better, but not enough. He should have put his foot down and canceled.
It’s that time of the year when the days are nice and sunny and the evenings chilly, so we decided to eat outside. I briefly contemplated calling one of my girls to join us for moral support because I wasn’t in the mood to spend the day being ignored. Again. I decided against it because this was my home too, damn it, and I refused to be made to feel invisible in my home.
Ryan has made good on his apology, being extra attentive and including me in conversation. Whenever conversation lingered too long in the past, he’d steer it back to topics I could join in on. I appreciate his efforts, but I don’t know. I still don’t want to be here. With them. I want time to rewind and go back to how life was before Hadley.
“This reminds me of those nachos we had after you got married,” Nicole says, popping a chip into her mouth. “Just better.”
“We were broke college students. We couldn’t afford much then,” Hadley chuckles. “Not even a hotel room for our wedding night.”
“I thought you liked what we did with your dorm room,” Nicole pouts. “We tried our best to decorate it. It wasn’t easy.”
“I did, and I appreciate it. It looked magical. All those stars and fairy lights,” Hadley says, a dreamy look on her face.
“You got married in college?” I ask Hadley, surprised. I shouldn’t be because I know next to nothing about her. But not once has there been a mention of her being married. An awkward silence descends around the table, and I look around in confusion.
“What? Did I say something weird?” I look at Ryan, but he avoids my eyes, his shoulders tense.
“Used to be,” Hadley says, taking a sip of her drink. Her eyes find Ryan and they linger on him. She doesn’t even try to hide the longing on her face as she stares at him. “To Ryan.”
People talk about their hearts breaking, shattering into a million pieces. I can picture it, like a bomb going off, debris scattering everywhere. My heart breaking is not as spectacular. It’s been more like a gradual, quiet, insidious process. A quiet chipping away, where tiny pieces are being carved off without you realizing, and then, by the time you do realize, it’s too late to do anything about it. The damage has been done, and all that’s left is a decision. Walk away while you still have something left to protect or stay until there’s nothing left to salvage.
“It was a long time ago,” he barks, his face etched in anger as he looks at Hadley. She drops her gaze, and his eyes find mine, his anger draining away as he takes in my expression.
What is it that he sees? Shock? Devastation? Betrayal? Humiliation? I’m sure it’s a mixture of all of it because I’m feeling all of it and I’m not a good enough actress to hide any of it. I feel blindsided. Like a joke. Like a fool.
All his apologies, his promises to do better, feel like ashes in my mouth.
Benjamin shifts in his chair, dragging my attention to him. He’s grimacing down at the table. Nicole’s gaze is darting between Ryan and me, her face clouded with concern. I don’t really know her, but they say the eyes don’t lie, and it’s true. The glee in them tells me that concern is the last thing she’s feeling. I wouldn’t be surprised if she and Hadley planned this ambush.
But it’s Hadley’s expression that tips me over the edge. Patronizing. Superior. And in that moment, everything comes crashing down on me. I realize that I’ve lost the only edge I thought I had over her. They have history. Moments, events that I’ll forever be excluded from. She’s beautiful. Smart. She has her life together and makes a lot of money. And she knows him intimately. She’s seen him naked, felt his body on top of her. Inside her. He loved her enough to marry her.
What am I left with? Lies, evasions, betrayal.
It takes me a split second to realize I don’t have to be here. Not with these people. Never in my life would I have picked them for friends, and I’m done with having to put up with them for Ryan’s benefit. I’m done with doing anything for Ryan’s benefit.
“Excuse me,” I say as calmly as possible, but there’s no hiding the trembling of my hands as I get up.
I hear the scrape of a chair and I feel Ryan hot on my heels as he follows me inside.
“Aspen, please.” His voice is a choked whisper, but all it does is stiffen my shoulders. I grab my bag, ignoring him while I rummage for my keys. “Don’t go. Stay. Talk to me,” he begs, desperation leaking from his eyes, his words. Hell, his whole body.
My heart is a heavy thump against my ribcage, and I take a deep breath to steady myself. It wouldn’t do to give Hadley the pleasure of falling over from a heart attack.
Piper’s voice floats through my head, Don’t allow him to see how much you’re hurting right now, girl.
“Why would I want to talk? Just friends, huh? You’re a lying bastard, Ryan.” My reply is icy, and I would have been impressed if I had room for it. Instead, it’s taking all I have to keep myself from breaking down.
His expression is a mixture of shock and regret. “I haven’t,” he insists, and I know it’s his desperation that has him uttering such a bold-faced lie.
“So Hadley was lying? You weren’t married?”
“No…we…I…” He looks at me helplessly as his voice fades away.
I huff a sarcastic laugh. “Yeah, no lie there.”
I stride to the door, beyond ready to get the hell away. To remove myself from the toxicity that’s become my life.
“Please, you’re running away again. Like last night.”
I spin around, fury coursing through me. “There’s a huge difference between running away and leaving because you don’t want to be somewhere. And make no mistake, I don’t want to be here with you. With her. With them,” I hiss, staring over his shoulder at Hadley who’s in the doorway not bothering to hide that she’s listening to us. “You’re right. We do need to talk. But you’re deluding yourself if you think any talking will happen while they’re here.”
“Just give me a minute. I’ll tell them to go,” he begs.
“And your ex-wife? You’re going to tell her to leave as well?” I can’t keep the derision out of my voice while keeping my eyes on her. If I had a million dollars I would confidently bet on the fact that, no he won’t.
He twists his upper body, taking in Hadley. “Fuck, fuck!” he shouts, jerking off his cap and shoving his hand through his hair. “Hadley, give us some privacy. We’re trying to have a conversation,” he grits out.
“No. Don’t bother,” I say to her, but my eyes are on Ryan. “I’m leaving. Again. You guys have fun.”
“Where are you going?”
I don’t bother to answer, slamming the door on my way out.
Everything is a blur, my mind racing as I drive to Piper’s place; my body on autopilot. I think I’m in shock, honestly. Of all the things, I didn’t see this coming. My anger at Ryan and the situation he’s put me in has reached volcanic levels, and at least the fury is keeping my eyes dry.
For once, the universe is on my side and Piper’s home, smiling when she sees me, but it drops like a stone when she sees my face.
“Did you know?” I ask, my eyes sliding past her and zeroing in on Rose, scrutinizing her expression.
Her eyes crinkle in confusion, her smile dropping at my biting tone. “Know what?” she asks carefully.
“About Ryan and Hadley.”
I feel like I can’t breathe while I wait for her answer. If I find out Rose has been keeping such a big thing from me, that she knew… That everyone but me knows… I’m not sure I can handle it.
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“That Ryan and Hadley were married.” Or still is. At this point, I know nothing anymore. They’re all liars.
Her face slackens in shock. “What do you mean, married?”
“As in ‘Do you take so and so, yes, yes, get to the good parts so we can fuck off to our dorm room and have marital sex,’ married.”
“Get the fuck out,” she breathes, sinking on the couch. “That’s not possible. I would have known. Are you sure?”
“Wait. Who told you this?” Piper says.
“Hadley,” I mutter, sitting next to Rose and dropping my face in my hands. At least I’m not the only one that was kept in the dark.
“You can’t believe anything she says,” Rose spits out. “I warned you she’s a bitch.”
“Ryan didn’t deny it,” I say in defeat, my shoulders slumping.
“Fuck,” Piper curses, and I see war brewing in her eyes. She’s not the type you want on her bad side. “Tell us everything.”
I relay to them what happened last night and this morning, and with every word, my stomach roils. My emotions are on a damn trampoline—up, down, up, down, uncertain on what it should settle on. Humiliation, anger, sadness, betrayal? It has me picking apart every interaction he’s had with Hadley, looking at it from a different angle. And if I felt like a fool before, it has nothing on how I’m feeling now. I should have seen it. The ease between them. The familiarity.
Ryan knew. He fucking knew, and he left me in ignorant bliss. He left me vulnerable. And just like that, anger wins the battle for supremacy.
“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Rose breathes, sympathy brimming in her eyes, but there’s also a spark of hurt. Ryan’s her brother, her big brother, and she’s always looked up to him. Knowing that he kept something like this from her is bound to hurt.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, grabbing her hand.
“Don’t you dare apologize,” she mutters, squeezing my hand. “If I find out Mom and Dad know…”
My phone rings, and Rose grabs it out of my hand, not bothering to ask permission before answering.
“What the fuck, Ryan? You married Hadley?”
“No. She doesn’t want to talk to you. And I don’t blame her. You fucking lied to her.”
“Does Mom and Dad know?”
“Yes, well, it’s a bit too late now to worry.”
“No. Don’t come here.” She looks at me, and I almost get whiplash from how hard I’m shaking my head. “She doesn’t want to see you right now.”
“And don’t call her again. She’ll call you when she’s ready. Not before,” she warns him before ending the call.
Her one-sided phone call over, she hands me my phone. “At least my parents don’t know either.” She gets up and walks to the kitchen muttering something about idiots.
“So, what are we planning to do?” Piper asks, and calculation has replaced the anger in her eyes.
My smile is faint, but thankful. Thankful because after the treatment I’ve received this weekend, it’s good to know that I at least have some people in my corner. Someone to help mop up the metaphorical blood after the nine rounds I’ve just been through.
“I don’t know.” I sigh, taking the glass of wine Rose shoves at me. And I truly don’t. Do I owe him a conversation? What can he possibly say that will make this acceptable? Do I even want to hear it? All I know is that having a conversation with him would mean going back, and I don’t want to do that. Not while she’s there.
“What the hell is going on?” Piper says, frowning. “First, Quinn. Now Ryan. And I never saw any of it coming.”
“At least I’m safe. I’m chronically single.” Rose grimaces, shooting me an apologetic look. “I still can’t believe Ryan. It’s not like him to keep things secret.”
“I didn’t think so either,” I mutter, swiping at a tear. Damn traitor. I want to be angry, not sad, but now that the adrenalin is fading, sorrow, the size of Texas, is performing a hostile takeover on my heart.
I don’t think I can come back from this.
“You know he loves you, right?” Rose says, grabbing my hand.
“It doesn’t excuse what he’s done,” Piper spits before I can say anything.
“I know. I’m not trying to defend him.” Rose shoots her an exasperated look. “But I don’t want Aspen thinking he did this because he doesn’t love her. I know my brother, and I’ve never seen him like this with any girl.”
Her words should soothe me; instead, they chip away at the sorrow, allowing anger a tiny gain in my heart. His love means nothing if he’s willing to lie and deceive for her .