10. Chapter 10
Chapter ten
Ryan
E veryone’s eyes are on me when I get back to our table.
“Everything okay?” Hadley asks, putting her hand on my leg, her eyes shining with concern.
I know my smile is not fooling her. It’s always been this way with us. I guess that’s what happens when you get to know someone as well as we do. You see through the masks that people wear to hide their true feelings and intentions.
Time apart hasn’t changed that for us.
I shift in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable with her hand on my leg. He thought Hadley was your girlfriend. Speaking of, my eyes roam the restaurant and I find his eyes on me, his eyebrows slightly raised. He can stick his judgment. He knows nothing about me and Aspen. And my friendship with Hadley, for that matter.
“Where’s Aspen?” Hadley’s voice pulls my eyes away from where we’re engaged in a standoff. It burns me that he hit on her, even though I know I can completely trust Aspen. Fuck, why did I say that shit to her?
“Something came up. She had to go.” I keep my voice short, not inviting any follow-up questions. “Is everyone ready to order?”
Fuck the food. I want to get out of here. If it was up to me, I’d settle the tab without eating, but it would be rude. Hadley hasn’t seen Nicole and Benjamin in years, and they drove miles just to see her. But Aspen’s face just before she got in the car… Never has she looked at me like that before. Like she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
The dinner drags, and the conversation has become stilted. It hasn’t escaped them that there’s something wrong, especially when I shovel my food down my throat at record speed. Hadley keeps throwing me questioning glances, and I try to smile and act normal, but my heart’s not in it.
“It was so nice catching up with Nicole. Makes me miss our college days,” Hadley says, leaning back with a sigh. “We video call all the time, but it’s not the same. Do you miss it?”
“College?”
“Yes.”
“Some of it. Not all.”
“I miss us,” she mutters. “How close we were.”
“You’re the one that upped and moved three thousand miles away.” It’s a joke, but it comes out flat.
“You know why I did.” Her voice is small in the darkness of the car, and we fall silent. It’s not a comfortable silence. It’s heavy, filled with many unspoken things. Things I hope stay unspoken because that’s exactly what it is. The past.
“Anyway,” she says with a slight shake of her head. “I hope you don’t mind, but I invited them over tomorrow for lunch.”
“What? When?” I tear my eyes from the road to frown at her.
“When you were outside with Aspen. They mentioned they were going back on Monday and didn’t have plans for Sunday, so I thought it would be a good idea. See them as much as we can before they go back.”
“Hadley, you should have checked with me first.”
“Sorry. I know I should have asked first. But I didn’t think you’d mind. You haven’t seen them in years, either.”
“That’s not the point. What if Aspen and I had plans?”
And after the fuck up that tonight was, I’m not sure Aspen is going to be all that happy about it. Who am I kidding? She’s going to hate it.
“Sorry, I just assumed. Do you have plans? If you do, I can just meet them somewhere. They’ll understand.”
“We don’t,” I sigh. “But you should have checked first.”
Silence settles between us, my mind wandering to what I’ll find at home. Instead of calling, I sent Aspen a text, checking that she got home safely. I had a strong suspicion that she wouldn’t want to talk to me, and I was right. Her reply was curt. Just a thumbs up.
“Is this about Aspen?” Hadley asks, her voice soft.
I sigh, not wanting to discuss it with her. Our business has nothing to do with her.
“If it is, I’m sorry. I know I’ve been taking up a lot of your time and it must be hard for her.” Her voice hitches and I quickly glance at her, but she’s not looking at me, gazing out the window into the darkness instead. “Maybe it’s better if I find somewhere else to stay. I don’t want to cause problems in your relationship.”
Guilt hits me, and I squeeze her leg. Her whole life, she was made to feel like a burden. An inconvenience, and I vowed to never make her feel that way. And here I am, doing exactly that when she needs me the most.
“Hey, look at me,” I coax, and my stomach clenches when I see the tears in her eyes. “You’re not. You have done nothing wrong. I just handled tonight poorly,” I reassure her. “And forget about finding somewhere else to stay.”
“I’ll call Nicole in the morning and cancel.”
I sigh, feeling like a jerk. “Don’t do that. Everything will be fine.”
And it will be. As soon as I fix things with Aspen and make her understand that there’s no reason for her to feel threatened by Hadley. That she’s all I see. That she’s all I’ll ever see.
It feels like I’ve been up for an age, waiting for Aspen to wake up. My eyes feel heavy, my head sluggish.
After a quick goodbye to Hadley, I rushed inside, hoping Aspen was still awake so we could talk about what happened. Sort it out, so that we didn’t go to sleep with the anger lingering between us. Again. My hopes were dashed when I found her curled on her side, as close to the edge as she could get, breathing deeply. At least she was home, in our bed, where she belonged. It was a hollow consolation as I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, but at least it was something. I wanted to curl against her back, wrap my arms around her, and nestle my face against her hair, but I knew she wouldn’t want that. And I wasn’t about to violate her wishes while she was asleep. The night dragged by agonizingly slowly, sleep evading me mostly. So it’s a relief when she finally starts stirring.
“Good morning,” I whisper, watching her blink a few times.
She smiles that sleepy smile I love so much, my heart lifting, but then it dies a fiery death when last night’s events set in and it fades, leaving a blank expression in its wake.
“I’m so sorry, Aspen.”
Seconds tick by before she finally mumbles, “For what?”
I had a lot of time to think as the slow minutes ticked by, and I realized she had all the reasons in the world to be upset. I did ignore her, and on top of that, I said some horrible shit to her. Shit, I didn’t mean, but when I saw that guy next to her and the way he looked at her, reason went out the window.
“I dropped the ball last night. I got carried away by catching up and ignored you. It’s not an excuse. And what I said…” Shame for what I said to her has me dropping my eyes. Aspen’s one of the most giving, down-to-earth people I know, which is just one of the reasons that made me fall head-over-heels for her. “…I didn't mean it. My anger got the best of me and I lashed out. I didn't realize what I was saying until it was too late. That doesn't excuse my behavior at all. I was a fucking idiot.”
She purses her lips; her face dropping into a scowl.
“This is the worst argument we’ve had, and it scared me. You scared me. You attacked my character, Ryan. Not only that, you lashed out and tried to hurt me by calling me an attention seeker and a cheater. There will be arguments in the future, and what’s stopping you from doing it again when you get angry at me?”
I feel the stirrings of hope in my chest. Her face is stern, but her talk of the future still includes an “us.”
“I won’t,” I promise. “Seeing how my words hurt you…” I clench my jaw. “Aspen, you know me. You know that’s not the type of person I am. It’s just when I saw him talking to you, I lost it. I’m the one whose character should be attacked. Not yours.”
She sighs and sits up, rubbing her eyes.
“It’s not just that, Ryan.” She bites her lip, looking down, and I wait for her to compose her thoughts. “Ever since Hadley came, I feel like I’ve become second best. An afterthought. Last night just underscored that for me.”
I open my mouth, but she places a hand over it, effectively silencing me. “Please, this is hard for me. Let me just finish.”
At my nod, she drops her hands in her lap, worrying her lip again. I want to pull it out before she can break her skin, but decide keeping my hands to myself is the wisest course of action right now.
“She’s your friend, and I get it. She’s going through a tough time and you’re trying to do your best to support her. I get that too, and I admire you for it.”
“But?” I prompt when she falls silent.
She takes a deep breath, her shoulders stiffening. “It feels like there are no boundaries. I don’t like that you gave her a key. She comes and goes as she pleases, and we have no privacy anymore. I wake up knowing I have to hustle to get dressed because I don’t want her to see me in my PJs. You keep telling me this is my home, too,”—I nod because it’s true. It is our home—“but I can never just relax. I’m always feeling on guard.”
I sigh, rubbing my eyes. Me and Hadley have a long history together, whereas Aspen has only known her for a short while. In retrospect, giving Hadley the key without discussing it first is extremely shortsighted, and Aspen’s discomfort makes complete sense. How many more ways can I fuck up?
“That was wrong of me, and I should have spoken to you first, so I’m sorry. I didn’t think things through when I did that.”
She gives a small nod, acknowledging my apology, but I can see that she’s not done.
“I feel terrible saying this, but since she’s been here, everything has been about her. And I get it. I know what it’s like to lose a parent. But we have done nothing by ourselves besides sleep. We eat, she’s here. We watch TV, she’s here. We go anywhere, she’s with us. We’ve not had time just for us. And it’s hard. When I look at the two of you, the way you are with each other, it feels like I’m looking at a couple and I’m the outsider. What makes it harder is that I’ve tried getting to know her, but she doesn’t like me.”
“Aspen, the only one I have feelings for is you. Hadley and I are just friends.”
She sighs, her shoulders slumping in defeat, and I realize I’ve just completely invalidated her feelings. Taking a deep breath, I dare to reach out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Tell me why you feel that way.”
“You’ve blown me off a few times now for her. You’re always talking about your history. Events I wasn’t there for. I get it. You’ve been in each other’s lives forever, but I don’t need to be reminded all the time. Like I said, all it does is make me feel like an outsider, an interloper in your relationship.
“You spend time with her during the day and then she’s with us all night until we go to bed. She’s always touching you in some way or cuddling on the couch with you. Like she has the right to. She treats this place like it’s hers. And you allow it. It’s disrespectful to me. From both of you. And then last night, not being spoken to, not being included in anything, was humiliating.”
I can see her anger mounting with every word, her eyes daring me to deny it, and I…can’t. Hadley and I have always had a touchy relationship, and I simply fell back into that pattern.
Fuck, I’ve gotten so wrapped up in my history and need to be there for Hadley that I’ve been a shit boyfriend to Aspen. It’s a miracle she hasn’t dumped my pathetic ass by now.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” Such inadequate words to make up for how I made her feel.
Her shoulders hitch, and a tear runs down her cheek, which she angrily brushes away.
“It feels like I’m losing you,” she whispers, her eyes meeting mine, and they shine with heartbreak, “and I feel so helpless because I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Never.” Fuck space and fuck boundaries; I need her in my arms right now, so I do exactly that, leaning over and pulling her in my arms. “Fuck, Aspen. I’m so damn sorry.” I breathe into her hair, tightening my arms around her as if the strength of my grip alone can keep her with me forever. Just the thought of her not being in my life has my heart racing, and with her ear pressed against my chest, I’m sure she can hear it. “I’m so sorry,” I say again because saying it once, twice, three times is not even close to being enough. “The last thing I want is for you to doubt my love for you for even one second.” I pull back so I can see her face and wipe the tears from her cheeks. “You’re the love of my life, Aspen, and if you don’t know that, I’ve failed you. I’ll do better. I’ll be better. I promise.”
Her eyes search mine as if she’s trying to delve into my soul to confirm the truth of my words, and I let her, not hiding any of my feelings for her.
Her breath hitches, and then our lips connect, and when I take her down to the bed, our hands and lips are a flurry of impatience and need. When I enter her, it’s not gentle. It’s with the force of my feelings for her. It’s showing my passion and commitment to her, showing her what my piss-poor excuse for words can’t fully convey. And the way her nails rake down my back, how she moans and writhes beneath me shows me that she’s there with me. That she’s feeling exactly what I’m trying to tell her.