20. Chapter 20
Chapter twenty
Ryan
I drum my fingers on the table, trying to curb my impatience.
Four of the longest days of my life. Four days of an empty house, going to sleep wondering where she is, how she’s doing. Four days of waking up expecting her to be next to me, only to have my heart break when I realize that she’s not.
It’s been agony, and my mind shies away from the thought that this might just be a small taste of what my life might be like. A life without Aspen.
I keep my eyes focused on the door, so I see the moment she steps in. I take her in as she hesitates, looking around.
Seeing her catapults me right back to when we just started seeing each other. How I couldn’t get enough of her. How I’d obsessed about when I’d see her again, even while driving home from our date. I moved our relationship forward at lightning speed because when you know, you know, and I wasn’t about to let her slip through my fingers.
And that’s exactly what I did.
Her eyes find me, and my heart hammers as I watch her walk towards the table I picked in the corner. One that gives us a semblance of privacy.
She settles across from me, resting her arms on the table and gripping her hands. The seconds tick by while we take each other in. Finally, I break the silence.
“You look tired.”
“It’s nothing.”
Now that she’s here, I don’t know what to say. Where to start. I’m feeling like I’m facing a minefield—one I placed—with no idea how to navigate it.
“Where are you staying?”
I’m desperate to know. I’ve asked all her friends, but nobody will tell me anything. Not even Rose, and I’m pissed at her for it. All she kept saying when I expressed my concern for Aspen’s well-being was that she was fine, and that’s all I needed to know.
“It doesn’t matter.”
I sigh in frustration, glad when the server comes over, and we each order a coffee.
“You wanted to talk,” she finally says, shifting uncomfortably.
I’m staring at her like a creep, but I can’t help it. I love watching her and I could do it all day. Somehow, I lost sight of that, and I know it will be one of the biggest regrets of my life.
“I made a list,” I mutter, unfolding the piece of paper I’m clenching in a death grip.
“If I knew we were making lists, I would have made one,” she mutters, sarcasm dripping from her words.
“I have a lot to apologize for and I wanted to make sure I left nothing out,” I say, ignoring her words. “But before I get to the list, I want to tell you that you were right. About everything. It became…clear to me once we got there that Hadley had ulterior motives.”
“You don’t say,” she mutters again, but there’s no satisfaction on her face. Only anger.
“What you heard on the phone wasn’t what it sounded like. Hadley booked the holiday and there was some kind of mixup where they only booked one room…”
She lifts her eyebrows, and I look down in shame.
“Which I’m thinking wasn’t a mixup at all,” I mutter. “I never intended to share a room with her. I need you to believe that.”
“Just get to the point, Ryan. I’m so sick of hearing her name.”
I glance down at my list. I don’t have to look at it because I have every word memorized.
“I’m sorry I kept the truth of my past relationship,”—I grimace at the word because if I had the power to go back in time and change things, I would have ignored that little girl. I would never have allowed Hadley into my life—“with Hadley from you.”
Her eyes get all squinty. “So you’re apologizing for lying to me?”
I nod because she’s right. It doesn’t matter that there wasn’t any nefarious reason behind it. Omitting things is tantamount to lying.
“I shouldn’t have. It doesn’t matter that in my mind it was a mistake that happened a long time ago. As my partner, you had the right to know.”
“I’m sorry that I prioritized her over you.”
She blinks, her eyes dropping to her hands. “I really am sorry, Aspen. More than you know.”
She shrugs. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does. You’re the person I love most in the world. I just got swept up in things.”
And it’s true. I love her more than Mom, Dad, and Rose. That’s why what I’ve done is so unforgivable.
She shakes her head, denying my words. Can I blame her? Every action since Hadley came has shown the opposite to be true. I clench my fists against the impulse to reach out and take her hand.
“And I’m so sorry that I didn’t believe you when you tried to tell me. I’m sorry for hurting you.”
She shrugs again. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Stop saying that,” I cry in frustration. “It matters. It’s all that matters. There’s no excuse for what I did. I should have listened to you. I should have pulled my head out of my ass and realized that I was hurting you. You are and will always be the most important person in my life, and I should never have allowed Hadley to come between us. It’s a mistake I will never make again if you give me the chance to prove it to you.”
“No, Ryan. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. Because it didn’t matter when it counted. You protected your relationship with her when you should have been protecting our relationship. But I didn’t matter. Nothing I said mattered. It took Hadley shoving everything I was telling you in your face for you to believe me. Until then, you picked her every single time. Humiliating me? Not believing me? Pushing me away like I meant nothing? Spending nights with her in the apartment doing who knows what? You can’t take it back, and it destroyed any faith I had in you. And don’t tell me you didn’t realize you were hurting me. You did. You just didn’t care enough to stop.”
“Nothing happened those nights. I’ll swear everything I own on it.”
“You don’t get it, do you? You spent nights with a woman that wasn’t me. You discussed and planned things with her. Things that didn’t include the woman you supposedly love the most in the world. That’s not nothing. That’s everything.”
I rub my face, blowing out a deep breath. The weight of the world has come crashing down on my shoulders. I knew I had a steep hill to climb, but now I realize it’s a mountain I’m facing. One that might be unscalable. And that petrifies me.
“I know I can’t take it back, and I’m not asking you to overlook it. All I’m asking for is a chance to prove to you I know I did wrong and to make it right.”
“So damn stubborn,” she mutters. “How exactly do you expect to do that? Once trust is gone, it’s gone. How will I ever know that you’re not keeping things from me if you think it’s for my own good? I need a partner, not a parent.”
“I wish you could see my heart, Aspen. If you could, you’d see that it only beats for you.”
“You know,” she says, slumping back in her chair. “I grew up in a house filled with love. My parents loved me, but the love they shared…” she breaks off, a wistful look on her face. “It was epic. One-of-a-kind. I always wanted that for myself. The kind of love that’s not selfish. That knows no bounds. Where I never have to doubt or second guess. I don’t want to have to fight to be loved.”
She dashes a tear from her cheek, and my heart clenches at the grief on her face.
“When Dad died, I was so scared she’d give up, but she didn’t. For me. She carried on for me, but every day I could see how much she missed him. I thought I found that kind of love with you, but I was wrong.” She swipes at another tear, and it’s all I can do to hold myself back from comforting her. “You do feel that, but not for me. I saw the depth of your devotion to her. The love you have for her and the history the two of you share. I am nothing compared to that. Right now, you’re angry at her for deceiving you, but you’re in denial if you think that kind of love just stops. I think you keep telling me you love me because of guilt. Actions speak louder than words, and you’ve shown me that if Hadley and I were stuck in a burning building, she’s the one you would run in to save. Not me.”
“Aspen,” I say, every inch wanting to deny what she just said, but I’m helpless because she’s not hearing me. She’s made up her mind, and nothing I say will change that.
“I want to say it’s okay, but it’s not. We can’t pick who we love, but I just wish you were honest with me. If you were, at some point, I might have been able to call you a friend.”
Her attempt at a smile is heartbreaking and all I can do is slump back in my chair as I watch her get up and leave, her coffee untouched.
It’s over. It’s truly over.
It’s been a week. A week of seeing the memory of Aspen everywhere I look. Seven days of having to endure the weight of my decisions.
I’m busy composing an email when Carter walks in and makes himself comfortable on my couch.
“Aren’t you supposed to be on a boat out on the ocean?”
I press send and close my laptop before looking at him.
“You look like shit. And it’s a catamaran, not a boat,” he scoffs.
“Hello to you, too.”
“You didn’t join us for basketball last night.”
I shrug because I don’t give a shit. It’s hard to care about things when you’ve lost the thing you care about the most. Everything pales compared to that.
“If I knew you were wallowing, I would have brought some ice cream. And chocolate. We could put on a chick flick and sob on each other’s shoulder.”
“Fuck off, Carter.” Usually, I appreciate his humor, but not now.
“So why are you wallowing?”
The look I give him screams, are you for real? He knows what’s going on. By now, the news of our breakup has traveled far and wide.
“I don’t even know where she’s staying.”
And it makes me feel like a piece of shit. I’m fully aware of her financial situation, and I blame myself. Not only did I promise her a home when I asked her to move in with me, I actively encouraged her to invest her savings into the rescue, along with whatever she had to spare every month.
“You don’t need to worry about her. She’s taken care of.”
“That’s what everyone keeps telling me, but it’s not helping,” I mutter, shooting him a look. Not so long ago, I knew everything about her. Now I know nothing.
He tilts his head, searching my face. “She’s staying with me.”
I sit up straight, turning to him. “What?”
He shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “She needed a place, and I offered.”
A million different emotions surge through me as I stare at him. It hurts, knowing she’s with him and not me, but I’m thankful that at least she has somewhere to stay. Although, Carter wouldn’t have been my first pick. He’s a player and finds many willing tourists to keep him company at night. I don’t want her to be uncomfortable.
But he’s my friend, and I trust him.
“No need to give me that look. She’s safe from me. She’s not the hookup type. If she was, I might have considered it, but you got to her first, and I don’t care to stick my dick where my friends have been. So…”
“Shut the fuck up,” I growl. “Don’t speak about her that way.” I want to punch that fucking smirk right off his face. But…at least now I know where she’s staying.
“How is she?”
“How do you think she is? Coping.”
An idea starts forming in my head. It’s been a week. Maybe it’s been long enough for her to cool down. Maybe she’ll be more open to what I have to say.
Feeling like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I get up, looking around for my keys. I haven’t left my house in days and I’m not sure where I left them.
“Where are you going? I just got here,” he gripes.
“I’m going to try to talk to her.” Again.
He sighs, throwing his arm over the back of the couch.
“Relax, bro. She’s not there. And even if she was, she wouldn’t want you to see you.”
“Where is she?” I demand.
“At work.”
“Bullshit. The clinic closes at six.”
“Not that job. Her other job.”
I’m about to head to the kitchen but freeze before turning to him. “What other job?”
“I don’t think you’re going to like this.”
His gleaming eyes and wide, toothy grin fill me with dread, signaling that he's going to relish telling me.
“Just fucking tell me.”
“She’s waitressing.”
“That’s not so bad.”
“At The Silver Stiletto.”
I stare at him for a few beats, trying to process what he just said. Then I explode. “What the fuck, Carter?”
“Can’t say I blame her. If I was a gorgeous girl, I’d be doing the same. She needs money fast, and from what I hear, the tips there are outrageous.”
“It doesn’t matter! It’s a fucking strip joint!”
He shakes his head, his grin still in place. He’s fucking baiting me. “It’s a gentlemen’s club, not a strip joint. A few steps up, don’t you think? I’ve never been there, but Aspen showed me her outfit, and I’ve gotta say, man, I’m rethinking that decision.”
“Strip joint, gentlemen’s club, it’s the same damn thing. And what fucking outfit?” I bite out, my face feeling like it’s on fire.
That place is not safe. It’s one town over and I shudder at the thought that she’s having to do that drive at night. By herself. But that’s the least of it. I’ve heard stories of that place. Calling it a gentleman’s club is being kind.
It’s the type of place where if you have enough cash, they turn a blind eye if you want more than a private dance. Or so I’ve heard.
Aspen doesn’t belong in that world. She’s too trusting. Too kind. Selfless. In a place like that, she’ll be out of her depth, and I shudder at the picture of sharks circling that my mind conjures.
My heart thudding in my chest; I race to the kitchen—I have a vague memory of throwing my keys on the counter—Carter hot on my heels. I’m getting her out of there. Even if I have to throw her over my shoulder.
“It’s really not,” he says, leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets. “I know someone who works there, and from what she says, they take good care of their girls.”
Their girls? Aspen has become a “their girl”?
“And this friend of yours,” I sneer. “Is that how Aspen got the job?”
He shrugs. “She might have set her up with it.”
I fucking knew her staying with Carter was a bad idea.
“Going there will be a mistake, bro,” he says, correctly guessing my intentions.
“Don’t fucking care.”
“At least wait till you’ve calmed down,” he calls after my retreating back. “You’ll just make things worse.”