Chapter 29 #2
We pulled up to Mom’s care facility ten minutes later, the three of us bursting through the door.
“Where is he?” Levi was all business.
“This way.” An orderly led us through the familiar maze of hallways to Mom’s suite.
Still several rooms away, we could hear the commotion. Austin’s shouts were punctuated by the sharp bang of unidentified objects hitting a wall.
I hastened my footsteps, pushing past the orderly to reach the open doorway. And what I saw damn near broke my heart.
Mom was pale, her entire body shaking, but somehow, she still found the strength to lob paperbacks across the room. Some hit her intended target—Austin—while others went wide, a dozen or more of them littered across the floor.
Then there was my boy, who was falling apart right before my eyes. Tears streamed down his face, his hair a tangled mess, as he begged for her to recognize him.
“Mom, please,” he sobbed, stepping closer.
“I’m not your mom,” she yelled back, throwing another book. “Go away!”
I was frozen to the spot, watching his heartbreak unfold and unable to do a damn thing to stop it.
Levi took action, approaching Austin from behind and wrapping his arms around him in a bear hug.
The teen struggled against Levi’s hold, demanding to be set free as he thrashed wildly, but a few whispered words in his ear, and his whole body sagged. Then he spun around, burying his face against his stepfather’s shoulder and crying his little heart out.
“I want my mom,” Austin blubbered.
Levi only hugged him tighter. “I know, bud.”
“Arizona?”
I sucked in a sharp breath, the call of my name from that familiar voice shocking. For a second, I thought I might have imagined it; it had been so long since she’d recognized me.
Heart in my throat, I spun around. “M-mom?”
Her blue eyes held such warmth. “Oh, my sweet girl. I’ve missed you.”
A sob burst past my lips. Was this real?
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Concern creased her forehead.
I dabbed at the moisture pooled at the corner of my eyes before crossing the room and pulling her into an embrace.
All too soon, we broke apart, and she cupped my cheeks. “You always were so beautiful. How’s Austin?”
I turned to the boy who stood only a few feet away, betrayal etched across his face.
“He has the best parts of you.” I kept my eyes locked on him as I spoke to my mother. “And he makes every day worth living.”
Austin stormed out of the room with Levi hot on his heels.
Mom smoothed a hand down the length of my hair. “I always knew you’d make an incredible mother, Arizona.”
Tears filled my eyes, and my voice cracked. “I learned from the best.”
“Even when you lost your way, I never stopped loving you for a single second. I hope you know that.”
“I do.” I nodded. “And I love you too. Thank you for taking care of Austin when I couldn’t. Thank you for letting me come home when I got clean.”
She sniffled. “I always knew you could do it.”
I threw my arms around her one more time, wishing more than anything that I never had to let go.
Being a parent meant there would be times when your own needs took a backseat. So while I desperately wanted to cherish these lucid moments with my own mother, I needed to go be a mom to the very angry, very hurt fourteen-year-old boy who needed answers only I could give him.
It took all the strength I possessed to walk out of that room after whispering one more “I love you” and promising to come back to visit as soon as I was able.
The time had come to own up to my sins.
Austin refused to look at me, let alone speak to me, after we left the facility. The minute we made it home, he made a mad dash for his room, the sharp slam of his door relaying that he wanted to be left alone.
And for a while, we respected his wishes.
But eventually, Maisie wandered up and was permitted entry. I’d never been more grateful that those two had connected immediately, forming a bond closer than most true siblings shared. Because even if he was intent on freezing me out, I knew he had someone he could lean on when life got hard.
Levi tried to comfort me by making tea and using his magic fingers to work out the knots along my neck and shoulders.
Despite his best efforts, nothing he did made me feel better.
How could it, when the boy I loved with my whole heart hated me?
Just like I always knew he would if he ever learned the truth.
After allowing Austin an hour with Maisie, I padded up the stairs. It was fine if he didn’t want to talk; all I needed was for him to listen.
The door to his bedroom was cracked open, and I peeked inside.
Austin lay on his side on the bed with Maisie curled around him.
They were both so still that, for a minute, I thought they’d fallen asleep, but Austin’s sniffles betrayed that at least he was still awake.
Then Maisie’s head lifted, her eyes meeting mine.
“I’ll be right back,” she whispered to Austin.
He didn’t move a muscle, didn’t respond.
Maisie slid off the mattress, stepping toward where I stood.
“How is he?” I asked.
Her lips pulled down at the edges. “He’s hurt and struggling to understand why everyone’s been lying to him his entire life.”
“Do you mind if we have a minute alone?”
“Sure.” Maisie nodded.
“Your dad went out to get ice cream, but he’ll be back soon.”
“Cool.” She walked past me and down the stairs.
Crossing the threshold, I could feel the pain radiating off Austin in waves as I eased onto the mattress.
When I placed a hand on his leg, he flinched away from my touch, turning onto his other side so that he was facing the wall.
A stuffy inhale sounded before he said, “I’m sorry you got stuck raising me when you never wanted to be my mom.”
If you listened closely enough, you could hear the million shattered pieces of my heart scattering across the floor.
“Austin, honey, that’s not true.”
He sat up suddenly, fire flashing in his blue eyes. “The hell it’s not! You didn’t even try, Arizona. You just gave me away like I meant nothing to you.”
My eyes slammed shut, but tears still managed to make it past the tightly sealed lids.
“You know that I don’t drink, but do you know why?”
When my lashes lifted, I saw him staring back at me with his head cocked to the side.
Gaze dropping to the bedspread, I confessed, “I’m an addict, Austin.”
“Like—like an alcoholic?”
“Worse.” My eyes raised to meet his. “I was prescribed opioids after surgery for an injury when I was fourteen, and then I began abusing them.” I decided to skip over most of what happened after that.
“I’ve been clean for ten years, been able to steer clear of all addictive substances during that time, but I’m sure you can do the math. ”
Austin’s jaw dropped open in shock. “Were you on drugs when I was born?”
“Yes.” I hung my head in shame. “I need you to understand that I wasn’t given a choice. Social services deemed me unfit to be your mother and stripped me of my parental rights. You would have ended up in foster care if Mom hadn’t adopted you.”
He shook his head. “I still don’t get why everyone lied to me. Grandparents raise kids all the time. Why act like you were my sister instead of my mom?”
Here comes the hard part.
“The man who got me pregnant—”
“You mean my father,” Austin cut me off.
“No, I mean your sperm donor,” I corrected. “He was a bad man. The worst, actually. He hurt a lot of people, me included.”
His brows furrowed. “Did he force himself on you?”
What did it say that it almost felt easier to let Austin believe he was the product of rape than to admit the true nature of Bodhi’s crimes?
“No. Not in the way you’re thinking, but he made me do a lot of things I’m not proud of.
The reason I pretended to be your sister was because even as a little boy, you were curious about everything.
Mom swears your first word was why. I knew you’d have questions about the man you share genetic material with, and I didn’t want your pure soul to be tainted by learning that man was a monster. ”
Austin blinked at me through his glasses. “Does he know about me?
I dipped my chin. “He knew I was pregnant. That the baby was his. But he didn’t want to be a father.”
“Oh.” So much disappointment was conveyed in that single-syllable word.
He still didn’t get that Bodhi was a piece of shit and he was better off for not knowing him, so I decided to drive the point home.
“If I hadn’t experienced medical complications and preterm labor, you wouldn’t have been born inside a hospital, Mom would have never gotten a call to take custody of you, and it would have been a miracle if he dropped you off at a fire station instead of into a dumpster. ”
That did the trick. Austin looked properly horrified at the idea that his father would have discarded him like trash, leaving him to die.
“He passed away a long time ago,” I announced. “And the world is a better place without him in it.”
Austin nodded, still at a loss for words after learning the ugly truth.
“In keeping this secret to protect you, I ended up hurting you anyway, and for that, I am deeply sorry.”
He cleared his throat. “It’s gonna take a while before I can forgive you.”
“I understand.”
“And you’re still going to be Arizona to me. Mom’s my mom, and that’s not going to change.”
“She earned that title; she deserves to keep it.” I never had any intention of trying to replace her.
Earnestly, he asked, “Where do we go from here?”
With hope filling my chest, I replied, “I’d love it if we could be friends.”
“Friends.” He mulled it over. “Yeah, that might be all right.”
“Is it too much to ask for a hug?”
I fully expected him to turn me down, but to my surprise, Austin wrapped his arms around me, hugging me so tightly I could barely breathe.
And in that instant, I just knew we were going to be okay.