12. SHANE
12
SHANE
S eeing Fern at Lilly’s the other week reminded me I haven’t been to the nursing home in a while. Lilly told me her mother’s dementia had worsened, so I didn't see the point in confusing Hyacinth any more than she already was. If she can’t remember Lilly, she sure as hell won’t remember me.
Walking into the small room set up like a bedroom with all her belongings, a frailer version of my ex mother-in-law sits in a Shackleton chair. “Hello, Hyacinth.”
Her face lifts and brightens. “Shane, this is a pleasant surprise. Has Fern sent you?”
I match her smile and nod, shocked that she recognises me as I hand her a bunch of flowers. “Are you keeping well?” I bend over and kiss her cheek as I always would when I would visit.
“These are beautiful. You really shouldn’t have troubled yourself for me.” She gazes at the flowers, inhaling the fresh bouquet.
“Thought they would brighten the room a little.” I lift the plastic chair from the corner and place it next to her.
“Do you want a cup of tea, my love?” She tries to shuffle to the edge of the chair as if she’s forgotten she’s not as mobile as she used to be.
“You stay there. I’ve just had a drink. Would you like one?”
“Ooh, that’d be lovely.” She points behind me. “The nurse can sort me out. Can I please get a cup of tea, dear?”
I turn my head to Lilly in the doorway, fiddling with the hem of her blue tunic. She must have come straight from work like me, though I've left the police vest in the car. “Hey.”
“Hi, what are you doing here?” She crosses the small space towards us, taking off her coat and folding it over another plastic chair.
“I thought I’d come and say hello. I was just passing.”
“My daughter, Fern, sent him. This is my son-in-law. He’s in the army.” Hyacinth beams with pride as she tells Lilly all about me. I don’t correct her. She’s stuck in the past. A time that now seems like it happened to a different person. A hero touring the Middle East. I’m not the hero that everyone thinks I am. Hyacinth wouldn’t be so proud of the man sitting by her side now if she knew the things I’ve done. Not to mention the things I’ve done with Lilly.
“Look at this beautiful bouquet he’s brought for me. Is there a vase in that cupboard, love?” Hyacinth points to the units opposite her.
“They’re gorgeous.” Lilly opens the cupboard and walks into the en suite and returns with the vase half filled with water. She reaches over me and takes the flowers from her mum.
I let my eyes drift to the curvaceous woman busying herself arranging the bouquet. I can’t stop thinking of the woman I watched the other night. Though it’s like they’re two different people. Even with her red lips, makeup and glossy hair, the way her shoulders hang in defeat shows how worn out she is.
It crosses my mind that maybe I’m keeping her up too late on the calls, but when she’s on camera, she’s alive. A mirror opposite of how she is now.
“How is the army treating you, my love?” Hyacinth says as her frail hand pats my knee.
“Good. I’m on leave now, so I thought I’d come and see you while I have the chance.” I give her a smile, trying to hide the sadness I feel. Dementia is a cruel disease.
“You work too hard. My daughter’s lucky to have you. Such a handsome man.” She pats the side of my face like I’m a teenager again, taking her daughter out on a date. “Isn’t he handsome, nurse?”
My cheeks warm as I chuckle to myself.
Lilly turns her head with a grin. “He’s okay, if you like that sort of thing. Personally, I think he has far too many tattoos and a smug face.”
Hyacinth whispers. “Take no notice of her, dear. You have a lovely face. But you’re looking a little weary around the eyes. In your line of work, that’s understandable.” She leans back in her chair and pushes her glasses up her nose. “Where is Fern, anyway? Why hasn’t she come to see me?”
Lilly places the vase on the sideboard. “It’s Harry’s football practice tonight. She’ll come tomorrow.”
Hyacinth’s brow furrows. “Who’s Harry?” She looks between the two of us.
Lilly shakes her head. “Just a friend’s kid. She’s brought him to see you before. Can you remember?”
“No. The only Harry I know is my husband. Where is he? Why hasn’t he been to see me?”
I take her hand. “I’m sure he’ll come visit soon. He’s been busy with work.” There’s no point telling her he passed away. It’s much kinder to let her believe he’s still around.
“My husband’s like you. He works too hard.” She gazes at the flowers on the unit and lifts a finger, pointing at them. “Don’t they look beautiful, nurse? My son-in-law bought them.”
Lilly tidies the bedside table. “I know, Mama.”
“I’m not your mama, dear.” Hyacinth grips the edge of the chair and turns to me. “Why did she call me mama?”
I take her hand. “It’s okay. How about I get you that cup of tea?”
“I’ll get it.” Lilly walks back around the bed, putting on a brave smile, but her glassy eyes convey all the sadness in her heart.
I stand to protest, wanting to give Lilly some time alone with her mother, but Hyacinth tugs at my hand.
“Let the nurse get it, Shane. That’s her job.”
The door closes, and I need to go to her. “Be right back. I’ll make sure she knows how you take your tea and maybe get some of those nice biscuits you like.” Rising from the chair, I dash to the door, ignoring Hyacinth’s protests.
Outside the room, I pull Lilly against my chest, wanting to take away all her pain. Both my parents have passed. I never got to say goodbye to my father, another thing I failed at. But watching Hyacinth deteriorate is like losing a piece of her over and over again.
Lilly wraps her arms around my waist, her shoulders shake as she silently sobs into the crook of my neck. “I thought she might remember me because she remembered you.”
My hand soothes up and down her spine, my other cradles the back of her head, tangling into her long black glossy waves. With a scratchy throat, I say, “I know. I’m sorry, Lil.”
“It’s not your fault.” She sniffles against my shirt, her warm breath against my neck, and I’m reminded of what we’ve done. Or what I’ve done. Guilt climbs up my throat, making it difficult to swallow. Shame claws at my neck, making me itch.
I pull away, but cup her face in my palms. Black streaks run from her eyes, and I swipe my thumb under them. I’d do anything to take away her sadness. “She remembers you as a little girl. She doesn’t know you’re a grown woman.” I kiss her forehead, wanting to kiss away all her tears, but instead, I pull her back against me, cradling her head and kissing the side of her temple.
We hold each other like this for a beat too long. Her heart beats in rhythm with mine as if we’re one, united by loss and grief. My heart knows her pain all too well after losing a parent to sickness. There’s nothing I can do but be here for her, and if sitting on a live with her every night gives her an escape from this cruel world, then that’s what I’ll do.
My fingers massage her scalp as I cradle her head in my large palm. “I’ll stay with your mum for a while. Why don’t you go home, take a bath and I’ll pick you up in a few hours to take you out.”
She lifts her head, and her silvery eyes stare up at me. “You want to take me out?” She scrunches her nose up as if the idea of us going on a date repulses her. “My sis?—”
“Can’t a brother-in-law take his lil sis out for a drink?” I give her my best grin. “I mean, how can you resist this handsome face?”
She rolls her eyes. “Haggard, more like, didn’t Mum say you were looking weary?”
“She thinks one year in the army has made these wrinkles.” I point to the lines around my eyes that deepen when I smile.
Lilly examines my face. “I have some cream for that. You should start taking better care of your skin.” She bites her plump red lip, fighting back a smile.
“You think that’s why I can’t get a date, because of my wrinkles?”
“Maybe it’s that shit-eating grin you have.” She doesn’t know the only person I want to date is her.
My body refuses to let go, still holding her in my arms.
She fists the fabric on the back of my shirt. Her long nails scratching through the material send a bolt of electricity straight to my groin, waking up my dick.
She must feel something as she sucks in a sharp breath. We break apart. The magnetic force that was keeping us fused together is now the same force keeping us apart.
I’m definitely not grinning anymore. Every fibre of my being wants to pull her back into my arms and tell her how much I want her. But I know where I stand. I won’t ruin the relationship she has with her sister by breaking some girl code or whatever.
“I want to see you smile again. I’ll pick you up at eight.”