15. LILLY
15
LILLY
“ A unty Lil, can I stay at yours next week as well?” Harry moves the counter five spaces on the board, avoiding the snakes.
“You can stay at mine anytime you like.” I shake the dice and roll a three onto the board. My smile widens as I climb up the ladder. “I’m winning now.”
The shrill sound of the doorbell ringing at this hour causes the hairs to prickle on my arm. I stand and pop my head through the curtain of the living room window. In the darkness, I can just make out Ash’s face under his hoody.
“Wait here, Harry.” I make my way into the hall and unlock the door. Pulling it open, my brother blows out a plume of smoke, making me fan the air in front of me to dispel the tobacco fumes.
“Sup, sis.”
I whisper-yell, “What are you doing here?”
“Need a place to crash tonight.” He pulls his hood down. The light from my hall shining on his face highlights a black eye.
“Oh, my goodness. What happened?” I reach up to move his face to the side to get a better look at the bruising.
“Had an argument with Levi.” He stubs the roll-up out on my brick wall before tossing it on my drive.
“That’s not an ashtray. You can pick that up and put it in a bin.” I wave my hand to the litter and to my green wheelie bin next to the house. “I have Harry in the spare room tonight. You can’t just show up here.”
He collects his trash and flicks it in the bin. “Fern’s Harry?”
“Yeah.” I wrap my cardigan around me, keeping out the cool breeze.
He drops his head, kicking my doorstep with his worn trainers. I’m not even sure if Harry remembers him. Fern washed her hands of Ash years ago when he stole from her to feed his crack addiction. “Can I meet him?”
“Are you clean?” My heart sinks to my stomach. I can’t turn my brother away. I’m not like Fern. I know she did it to shield Harry from his lifestyle, but I can’t just send him away to sleep on the streets, especially when I feel responsible for his situation.
Ash holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m clean. That was just a cigarette, and I’m not an addict anymore. I promise.” His words slur a little, but that’s from years of abuse. To anyone else, he sounds drunk, but I choose to believe he’s telling the truth when I see the desperation etched on his face.
I stand aside, let him in, and whisper. “As far as Harry’s concerned, you’re a friend. If Fern finds out you’ve been here, she’ll kill me.”
He nods and smiles, opening a wound on his bust lip.
“For goodness’ sake, let me clean you up.” I show him into the kitchen and sit him at the table.
Harry stands in the doorway staring at Ash.
“Hey, little man.”
He steps closer. “What happened to you?”
“Harry, this is my friend. He’s been in an accident, so I’m just going to clean him up. Why don’t you get ready for bed?”
“Then can we finish the game?”
“Sure. Your pyjamas are on your bed and make sure you clean your teeth.”
Once Harry’s upstairs, Ash says, “He got so big.”
“Well, that’s what happens. Kids grow.”
“The last time I saw him was before I got sent down again.” He flinches as I wipe a wet kitchen towel across his cheek.
“Have you seen Mum since you were released?” I wipe the dried blood from around his lip.
“I went to the care home like you said. She didn’t recognise me. I think I scared her. She seemed really uncomfortable, so I left.” He sniffs the air and wipes his nose on his sleeve. His eyes glaze over. I know that feeling all too well.
“She doesn’t recognise me either.” I wipe the other side of his face.
“It’s not her. I don’t know where our mum is, but that wasn’t her.”
“Shane said she’s living in the past like she remembers me age twelve, so she remembers you as a fourteen-year-old with long hair. Not this buzz cut you have now and all these tattoos.”
“I thought Shane and Fern split years ago?”
“They did.” I turn around and fill the kettle.
“So why does the fucking cop have an opinion on our mother?” His jaw tenses. He’s never forgiven Shane for arresting him.
“He went to see her the other day. She’s always going on about how proud she is of her son-in-law.” My throat tightens with emotions. An ache in my chest squeezes my lungs, still upset that Mum recognises Shane and not me. But if he can bring her some joy, then I’m glad there are still a few people she recognises, even if one of them isn’t me.
Ash clenches his fists. “She remembers that fucker instead of her own son?”
“Watch your language. Harry’s upstairs. And I think it’s about time you let go of your hate towards him. He’s been nothing but helpful to me over the years.”
“I bet he has. One sister not enough for him?” He snarls, his pupils dilating, making his eyes appear darker.
“Don’t be gross. It’s not like that. When you were locked up, he was like a brother to me. He can’t help it if you were always getting yourself into trouble.”
“No more than you.” He glares at me with an eyebrow raised.
“Yes, but I wasn’t a thief or a junkie. It was only a matter of time before you landed yourself in prison, or worse. Dead.” A shiver wracks my bones as I remember my brother off his head on heroine, stealing whatever he could get his hands on for his next fix.
Fern said he’s a lost cause. I’m sure Shane thinks the same like he’s a waste of space, an oxygen thief taking up resources because he can’t get himself under control. But this latest stint in prison seems to have cleaned him up.
“The cop will get what’s owed to him. Levi doesn’t forget. Especially since they raided Jodie’s gaff where he’s been staying.”
I pour the hot water from the kettle into two cups of tea. “When was that?”
“A few weeks back. They confiscated five grands’ worth of gear. He’s pissed.” Ash chuckles. “Can’t say I’m sorry. I hate that piece of shit, Levi as much as the cops.”
I hand him a tea, then open the kitchen door. “Harry, are you all right?”
He mumbles, “Just cleaning my teeth.”
“All right.” I sit down at the kitchen table opposite Ash. “So why are you hanging out with him? I gave you that money to set up your own place and get away from them, not invite them to live with you.”
“I had a debt I needed to pay. And since Jodie’s place got busted, she needed bailing out and had nowhere to go. I didn’t realise she was still using. She told me she was clean until they took her son.” The apple in his throat bobs, rippling the inked pattern on his neck. “My son.”
My head snaps up. With wide eyes, I swallow the tea in my mouth. “You have a son?”
“She thinks he’s mine. She must have been pregnant before I got sent down twelve months ago. I can’t even see him.” He runs a hand over his tired, beaten face. “Got to wait for the social worker to organise a paternity test before I can get visitation as my name’s not on the birth certificate.”
“Whose name is on the certificate?”
“Nobody’s. Just hers.” He shrugs a shoulder. “It’s all fucked up.”
I swat his hand for swearing.
“Shit. Sorry. Fuck.”
“Promise me you won’t go back there. Get your own place away from Levi. You need a fresh start. That’s what I gave you the money for.”
“They’ll find me. I owe them a debt and since the pigs and our dearest fucking brother-in-law raided Jodie’s place, I don’t have the money to pay them off.”
“What has that got to do with you?” I flare my nostrils in frustration. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall.
“I was gonna work for Levi, do a few runs until the cops took the gear he'd stashed at Jodie’s.”
“Well, how much more do you owe?”
He covers his face with his bruised knuckles. “Another two gees.”
I rub my fingers against my temple. “I have another thousand at the end of the month. Can’t you get a job?”
“Sure. There're loads of people wanting to take on an ex-con and former addict.”
I inhale a deep breath, wishing someone would just give my brother a break. Watching someone you love slowly ruin their life makes you feel helpless. I’m glad Mum doesn’t remember my brother’s demise. He always struggled through school and got in with the wrong crowd, but drugs and alcohol addiction is a disease that isn’t recognised in society.
Nobody wants to help the addict like they would if they were treating them with any other illness, even if addiction is a result of undiagnosed mental health issues or trauma. In my brother’s case, it was our father’s passing that sent him spiralling. Mum couldn’t help, as she was in her own grief.
“Can we finish the game now?” Harry says, clutching his teddy as he warily enters the kitchen.
“What game is it?” Ash says.
“Snakes and ladders.” Harry runs into the living room, and Ash and I follow. We all sit on the floor around the board on the coffee table.
“Shall we start again?” I say, finding another counter for Ash.
“Are you playing? Harry asks Ash.
“If that’s all right with you and Lils.” Both boys look at me.
“My friend’s sleeping on the couch tonight,” I say.
Harry nods and picks up the dice. “I go first.”
Ash gives me a smile that reaches his eyes, the wound on his lip opening with the stretch. He mouths the words ‘thank you’.
I cover his hand and give it a squeeze. What else am I to do?
He’s my brother.