16. SHANE
16
SHANE
“ S orry I’m a little late tonight,” she whispers while moving her hair from her ear to insert ear pods. “Can you hear me?”
I lean closer to the screen, my mask coming into view on the thumbnail that shows my camera. “Why are you whispering?”
“I have my nephew in the next room.” Her manicured nails scratch the cotton fabric of her moon and star pyjamas covering her legs. They’re not the sexy short ones she usually wears for me, but I’m glad to see she’s comfortable.
“Is everything all right?” I know she often babysits for him, so this isn’t new for me, but I’m trying to appear like I don’t know her nephew. Even though I’ve only seen him a few times, I feel like I know the kid after hearing about him over the years.
“My sister had a date tonight.”
“Oh.” It’s none of my business what Fern gets up to, hasn’t been for years so the mention of her on a date doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but it feels a little awkward talking about Fern with Lilly, so I change the subject. “What have you been doing today? Good day?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “It’s been okay. I was off work so just did some grocery shopping, visited Mum at the home, then did some cleaning.”
“What home?” It’s laborious questioning everything that I already know the answers to, but if I can get her talking, maybe she’ll give me some clues why she started this gig.
“My mum has Alzheimer’s disease. She had a stroke some years back, and she's deteriorated ever since. We had to get her into a facility as my sister and I couldn’t be there with her twenty-four-seven and my brother wasn’t around.”
I can always tell when she’s putting on a brave face. She fidgets with her fingers and her eyes wander around the room as if trying to mask the sadness in them.
“You can talk to me if you need someone to talk to.” I slide my fingers down the screen, wishing I could hold her.
She gives me a genuine smile this time and mirrors my hand as her nails tap the screen like raindrops tapping at my windowpane. “You don’t want me to bore you with all my problems,” she whispers, her calming, lilting tone soothing my soul.
“Yes I do, nightingale.” I lower my voice into a gruff, demanding tone. “Get yourself comfortable on the bed and talk to me. That’s an order.”
She salutes me. “Yes, sir.”
“I could listen to your voice all night. You have that soothing tone. It’s like ASMR.” I huff out a laugh. “Even more so now you’re whispering.”
She takes the phone from the ring light holder and holds it in her hand while she climbs under the duvet. “Is this okay?” She turns out the light and places the phone in front of her face as if I’m lying on a pillow next to her.
“I wish I was there with you.”
“Me too.”
I bet she says that to all her clients. Deep down, I hope I’m wrong, and she really makes an exception for me, but I’m not an idiot. I know how these things go. “Tell me more about your mum.”
“After the stroke, she lost her mobility. She needed care and had to go into a home. Now she's away with the fairies most of the time.”
“That must be difficult.” I remember all of this. I’d just left the army and was still married to Fern.
“The hardest thing was moving out and getting my own place when she went into a home. It was the only way we could afford to pay for her care. We had to sell our family home. The money’s ran out now. We can’t afford the top-up fees where she is, and we have until Christmas to find her a more affordable home.”
This hadn’t even crossed my mind. It makes sense that she might be doing this to pay for her mum’s care.
“I moved in with my sister and her husband for a while. They helped me save for my own place.”
“What was that like, living with your sister and her husband?” I can’t help myself. I hold my breath, wondering what she really thought of living with me and Fern.
“I miss it.”
“Huh?” That wasn’t what I was expecting her to say. A smile spreads across my face under my mask. The sisters were always close even with their eleven year age gap, but living together proved somewhat difficult. They’d argue and then be totally fine ten minutes later, as if it never happened.
I’ve never had a sibling. Kane and Dom are the closest things to brothers that I have, but we’d never argue to the point of scratching each other’s eyes out. Five minutes later ask if the other wanted a cup of tea.
“It’s nice having my own space, but it’s really lonely coming home to an empty house.” She has that sad smile again. “Tonight with my nephew has probably been the highlight of my week.”
“I thought I was the highlight of your week.”
She lets out a small giggle. “Of course, but I meant at home. Like we have fun, but then it’s just me in the house alone. You know?” Her mouth opens in a yawn. “Like just having my nephew in the next room is comforting.”
“I’m guessing you want kids someday?” My chest caves, knowing exactly what she’s going to say. Fern and I tried to have a baby for two years before she left me. When I found out she was pregnant a year later, it confirmed my worst fears that something was wrong with me. If I couldn’t give my wife a kid eight years ago, what chance is there now?
“I would love kids. As soon as I’ve finished my training and got my nursing qualifications, I may look into IVF.”
My brows pull inwards. “Why would you need IVF?”
“Because I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t exactly have men lining up to be in a relationship with me. So I figured the only way for me to have a child is to get a sperm donor.”
The thought of her carrying someone else’s kid makes my stomach churn. If anyone should be putting a baby inside her, it’s me. Only that’s the one thing I don’t think I can give her. That and a fucking relationship. I clench my fist and open it again.
The right thing would be to end our calls and stop this before it goes any further. I’m not sure how she feels, but I’m falling hard for my little sister-in-law and it isn’t going to end well for either of us. If she finds out it’s me, our friendship is over and all I can offer her is a shadow of myself on these calls.
“What about you? Do you want kids?” she whispers, tapping the phone. Her soothing voice, paired with her nails tapping the screen, sends tingles down my spine.
“I’d love kids, but it’s not on the cards for me.”
“How come?”
I let out a sigh. “Because I’m not getting any younger.” I run my hand over the fabric covering my face. “And it’s not something I’m able to produce.”
“Oh.” Her eyes dull for a moment. “You’ve had the snip?”
“Yeah.” There’s no need to go into detail of how I’ve tried in the past so I let her believe it was through choice. “You can get those ops reversed. It’s worth a shot if a family’s something you want.”
“It’s not in my future, nightingale.” I rub the ache in my chest. It’s the thing I want most in the world, but I gave up on the idea a long time ago. “In my line of work, I see so much negativity. It’s difficult to think about wanting to bring another life into this world and shield it from the scumbags around here, not to mention the shackles we’re all born into.” It’s what I tell myself, anyway. Makes it seem bearable.
“Do all soldiers think the same?”
I’ve said too much. “Probably. Being on tour does make you kind of cynical.”
“So why do you do it?” The small crease furrows on her brow.
“Same reason you want to be a nurse. To help people. Make a small difference in the world. Keep civilians safe.” I swallow the growing lump in my throat. I couldn’t even keep my troops safe.
“I do like helping people. It makes me feel good. After watching the nurses with my dad when I was young, I knew I wanted to be just like them. They may not have been able to make him better, but they made his last months comfortable.”
“I’m sorry about your dad. What happened?” I hate myself for asking to cover my own tracks when I already know the answer.
“He had a heart attack at work. Never fully recovered. I think a piece of my mum died with him.” She covers her mouth with her hand as she yawns.
“I know what it’s like to lose people you love.” My stomach tightens, thinking of all the people I’ve lost over the years. Not just my own parents, but my platoon. It was my job to survey the area and make sure it was safe. But I sent a troop to their death that day.
“I’m sorry. How many people have you lost?”
“Too many.” I run a hand over my face. “And too many have died at my hand. I’m no hero, nightingale. I’m a shadow of my father, never able to live up to his memory.”
“Was your father a sergeant, too?”
“Field Marshal.” My voice cracks, remembering my hero, Samuel Carter. My father. “He was always proud of me, but he didn’t know the darkness I carry. He only saw the good. I may have risked my life to save my comrades, but I sent half of my platoon to their death that day. I still see their faces when I close my eyes.”
“You didn’t do that intentionally.” Her eyebrows pull inwards, eyes swelling with unshed tears as if she pities me.
“It was my job to survey the area. We were ambushed.” I close my eyes as the memory replays, as if it was just yesterday. Shaking my head, I push the vision aside and focus back on her.
She strokes the screen as if she can reach through the phone and caress my face. The action soothes my mind like she has a gift or healing hand, and I wish she was here for real to lay her hands on me and take away all this pain weighing heavy on my heart.
“I want you to know the real me. See me for who I am and not the hero I’m made out to be. I’ll never be able to live up to my father or people’s expectations of me.”
“I see you.” Her eyes close, then open again like she’s trying her best to stay awake. “You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you.”
“You’re tired. Get some rest. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“We have some time left. Plus, I’m not ready for bed yet. I still have to take my makeup off.”
“I told you before, you don’t need to put makeup on for our calls.”
“I didn’t. It’s just from today.”
“Take it off while we talk.”
“It’s all right, I’ll cleanse later.”
“Why won’t you let me see you?”
“Because you won’t like what you see.”
“Why?”
She whisper-yells, “Talk about the pot calling the kettle. Why won’t you let me see you?” Her brow furrows as she chews on her lip. “What are you hiding?”
I let out a low chuckle. Oh, you know just that I’m your twisted brother-in-law that gets off on watching his little sister-in-law express her sexuality . “If you saw my face, you’d probably be disgusted.”
She sucks in a breath. “Are you disfigured? I’ve seen a lot of injuries in my line of work. Whatever it is, you can’t shock me. I promise.”
“I’m not ready to take that risk. Good night, nightingale.”
“When you’re ready, I’ll be here for you. You really don’t need to hide from me.”
“The same could be said for you.” I move the curser to the pop-up window on screen, filled with her beautiful face. “Goodnight. Get some sleep.”
“Night.”
I click the leave button on screen and pull the mask from my head, taking a deep breath of air into my lungs.
The crescent moon shines bright in the starry sky as I stare out the window. Thoughts of making her mine flash through my head. Could I make her fall in love with me? Then when I reveal myself, she’d have no choice but to accept its me. Or would she hate me for it?