31. SHANE
31
SHANE
L illy gathers the rest of her things and stuffs them in the bag. I’ll be sad to let her go, but sleeping in bed with her last night and not being able to touch her how I need to touch her was torture.
The doorbell chimes, the sound usually a welcoming sound of friends, but today it’s one I dread. “I’ll get it.” I stride down the hall from the bedroom and open the door.
Fern and Harry stand in the doorway, the autumn sun shining down, giving them a warm halo. “Where is she?” Fern says with a deep concern etched onto her features. She’s aged as much as I have over the years. Being a single parent will no doubt do that to you.
“Down the hall in the spare room.” I point down the hallway and step to the side, allowing them both into my home. “She’s just getting ready.”
“Just give me ten mins, Fern,” Lil shouts.
I rock back on my bare heel with my hands stuffed in my joggers, looking around as if I can see the tension in the air.
Fern clutches Harry’s hands, standing in the small space. “Thank you for letting her stay. You should have called me.”
“It was late. Besides, she was safe with me.”
“Where is the police car?” Harry says, looking up at me with big eyes, like his mother’s.
“It’s at the station, bud. But I have a cop game on the PS5 upstairs.”
His eyes light up, sparkling just like Fern’s would when she used to gaze at me. “Can I play?”
“Sure, kid. Come on, I’ll put it on for you.” I walk up the stairs and wait for him to follow.
“It’s not necessary. We’ll be going in a minute.” Fern pulls her bag on her shoulder.
I raise an eyebrow. “She hasn’t even started putting on her makeup. Since when have you known her to be ready in ten minutes?”
Fern lets out a breath and struts down the hall.
Harry follows me upstairs. His mouth opens as he takes in the room. Usually it’s the view of the lake in the valley that takes people’s breath away, but his eyes fix on my seventy-five inch TV. “Jeez, that’s the biggest TV I ever saw.”
A smile spreads across my face as I turn it on and pull the game controllers from the coffee table drawer. “Do you have a Playstation at home?”
He shakes his head. “Nintendo Switch, but Mum doesn’t let me play on it all the time.”
I hand him a controller and set the cop car game up. It’s not often I play games these days, but it helps me wind down after a long shift.
“What do I do?” Harry sits on the sofa next to me.
“So you’re the cop car, and you have to chase the baddy.” I point to the TV. “See that red car? That’s the one you’re chasing.”
Footsteps become louder up the wooden staircase. “A little old for video games, don’t you think?” Fern says with panting breaths after climbing the stairs.
I glance over my shoulder, keeping my finger on the controller. “I don’t think he’s too old.”
She rolls her eyes. “You, I meant.”
I can’t help but chuckle under my breath. I place the controller on the coffee table, ruffle Harry’s hair as I stand. “It’s all yours, kid.”
“Mum, look at the TV,” he shouts.
“I know it’s ridiculously large.” Fern drops her bag onto the dining table.
With a grin playing on my lips, I make my way over to where she stands near the kitchen. “It’s not the first time you’ve said that.” As soon as the words are out, I press my lips together. I’d hoped the joke would cut through some of the tension, but now she probably thinks I’m flirting.
“Please spare me the memory.” She doesn’t look me in the eye, but scans the open plan living space. “You have a nice place here.”
“Is that a compliment?” It must be hard for Fern to see how I live now in this luxury home while she’s in a small cottage. This could have been our life. But despite everything I’ve worked for, she has one thing I’ll never have. A son. Something I’d trade everything I own for.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” A small smile curves her lips. “I should thank you for Mum’s care.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“You really didn’t have to do that for me.”
How can I tell her I didn’t do it for her?
“I’m ready.” Lilly stands at the top of the stairs, clutching her bag, her face fresh with very little makeup, but looking more beautiful.
Fern pulls the strap of her bag onto her shoulder. “Harry, we’re going.” She rushes down the stairs as if she can’t get out of here fast enough.
Harry whines, but doesn’t move from the couch.
I stand in my kitchen, a few feet away from Lilly, every muscle tense, desperate to close the distance and take her into my arms. “Are you all right?”
She nods. “I’ll be fine.” She drops her bag on the floor and takes two steps towards me, those two front teeth pinching her bottom lip. “Thank you for taking care of me last night.”
“I’ll always take care of you.” My fingers itch to reach for her. In my mind, my mouth is already on her body. Siren’s from the cop chase game remind me that Harry’s still here, and I curse myself for having an open-plan living space. But the truth is, I still wouldn’t be able to kiss the woman I love, open plan space or not.
The realisation that I’ll never be able to be with this woman stings in my chest. The only way I can have her is as a shadow under the veil of night. But it’s not enough. She said last night she wants more from me. I want that too. But the things she wants, I’ll never be able to give her.
Lifting a carrier bag from the table, I hold it open for her. “I gathered a few items that I had spare from a self defence talk I did at the high school.”
She lifts out a can of pepper spray and a rape alarm keyring.
“There’s a few in there. Maybe share them between you and Fern and keep them in your bag or bedroom.”
She drops them back in the bag with a nod, and I place the carrier bag on top of her holdall.
Her arms fling around my neck, taking me by surprise. I glide my hands around her waist, enjoying the closeness of her again as I did last night.
Her soft cheek brushes against my beard. She hums with a sigh. Her breath fanning my neck sends a jolt of electricity to my heart as if it wasn’t aching already.
She presses a delicate kiss against my cheek. “Thank you for always being there for me.”
It takes every ounce of strength I have to keep my hands and lips at a safe distance. Instead of ravishing her like I need, I hold her close for a moment longer, my face buried into her neck, inhaling her scent. I let my lips brush against her neck.
Her skin breaks out in gooseflesh as a shiver courses through her body.
“Are you coming?” Fern shouts.
I silently curse my ex-wife. With a groan, I let go of Lilly and step back. I can’t trust myself when I’m close to her. “Are you gonna tell the kid he has to stop his game or me?”
Lilly smiles as she brushes past me, her hand caressing my chest. “I’ll bribe him away.”
I leave Lilly to it and head downstairs where Fern waits, her eyes glued to the framed photographs on my wall.
Her fingers reach up and touch the sunset on one of her photographs. “You framed my prints?”
I shrug my shoulders. “They’re stunning images. You’re a great photographer.”
“I don’t even own a camera anymore.” Her eyes sadden like a crystal blue lake icing over in winter. “I can’t believe you kept these.”
“They were too good to throw out.” I gaze at the one at the festival with Lilly on my shoulders. Acid burns the back of my throat as thoughts of what I’ve done with her eat away at my insides.
Fern’s fingers trace the image of Lilly with her ice cream. Our happiness captured in the frame is infectious, reminding us both of that day. “She loved hanging out with you back then. She was always asking when you were coming home.”
“I was just the big brother she never had, that’s all. You can hardly call that piece of shit Asher a brother to her.”
Fern bristles her spine at the mention of Ash. “Has he been in trouble with the cops again?”
“Not that I know of.”
“He got out on good behaviour, apparently.”
“Have you seen him?” I ask, wanting to know his whereabouts. I promised Lilly I wouldn’t hurt him, but if he gets himself in trouble with the police force, there’s not a lot I can do to help.
“No. He knows not to come near me. After he stole from me, I want nothing to do with him.”
“What about Lilly?”
Fern huffs. “If she has any sense, she’ll stay away from him too, but you know what she’s like.”
I nod, knowing all too well what my nightingale’s like. She’d do anything to help someone in need.
“Do you have any idea who it was that broke into her house?”
I shake my head. “What about your ex? What’s that crazy bastard up to these days?”
She pinches her brow. “You think it could be him?”
“I’m not ruling anyone out.” My fists clench in my sweats pockets, thinking of some man hurting my ex-wife. I’m not in love with Fern anymore—unsure if I ever was—but I do care about her. “You know I’d have kicked his ass if I knew he hit you. I’d never stand by and let anyone hurt either of you two. You know that, right?”
She smiles. “I know, but you don’t need to worry about him. Last I heard, he was living abroad. And I kicked his ass myself. A man only hits me once.”
Harry and Lilly walk down the stairs. Fern opens the door and looks down at Harry. “Have you said thank you for playing on his games?”
“Thank you.”
“Any time, bud.” I give Fern a nod as she smiles, taking Harry’s hand in hers and making her way to the car.
Lilly hangs back a moment, clutching her bag as if she doesn’t want to leave.
I rub the ache in my chest, not wanting her to go either, but I fear if she were to stay another night, I won’t be able to control myself. “I’ll get your door fixed while you’re staying at your sisters.”
“Thank you.” She reaches up on her tiptoes and pecks my lips before rushing out the door.
I lick the gloss residue left on my lips, willing my feet to stay put on the flagstone tiles and not run outside to drag my girl back in here where she belongs.
Lilly locks eyes with me through the window of her sister’s car as it drives down the hill. Once she’s out of sight, I close the door to my home as if closing off any chance with her, too. It’s time to put the mask away and accept our doomed fate, but not before I've found the motherfucker who broke into her home.
“Thanks for coming.” I close the door behind Dom as he stands in my hallway with a hand stuffed into his jeans. His other hand, covered in tats, scratches his beard.
“Anything for you and Lils, you know that. What are we dealing with?”
“We have no leads on the person who broke into her house. She said they seemed to know her.” Sickness rises in my throat. If I wasn’t on a late chat with her, things could have ended very differently.
Dom nods his head. “Makes sense. Most burglaries are committed by someone who knows the victim.”
“Come into my office. I want to show you something.” I walk down the hall to the small box room. Usually I’d offer Dom a beer, but today he’s here on business, not pleasure.
He eyes the cream cardigan of Lil’s folded over the bannister. “Is Lils staying here? I thought she’d have gone to her sisters.”
“I brought her here after the break in. It was late and there was no point waking up Fern and her kid. She’s at her sisters now until we can get her door secured.”
I open the office door and step into the small space. Sitting in the office chair, I press my finger against the biometrics on the iMac to bring the screen to life. “Lilly doesn’t know about any of this, and I need it to stay that way.”
“Sure. What you got for me?” Dom leans over my shoulder, scanning the screen as I pull up her account. He clears his throat as if choking on his saliva. “Fuck is that?” He straightens his spine, looking away, but then looking back at her image in the naughty nurse uniform.
“Tell me about it. She had over one hundred subs until I infiltrated her account and blocked them all.” My fingers tap away on the keyboard as I open up the list of blocked subs and click print.
At the side of me, the printer makes a warming sound before pulling a sheet of paper through the rollers.
As soon as it’s printed, I snatch the sheet from the tray and present Dom with a list. “My theory is that it’s one of these motherfuckers who’s pissed she blocked them.”
Dom scans the usernames on the printed document. “KinkyKevin?” He lets out a small laugh. “Sarge_in_Charge? Is that you?”
I glare at him. “Better than DaddyDom.”
He scratches his beard. “I dunno, DaddyDom has a good ring to it. If I ever need a username.”
“I want addresses of all these accounts and their identities. I’d do it myself, but I just don’t have the time, and I don’t want everyone at the station knowing about her account or that I’m one of her subscribers. If this got out, she could lose her job.”
He folds the paper over and slips it into his back jeans pocket. “I’ll get straight on it. How’s she holding up?”
“She seemed all right this morning.” I rub the ache in my chest, wishing she was still here so I could hold her. She soothes me as much as I do here, like two lost pieces of a jigsaw fitting together to make each other whole.
But right now, I need to track down this motherfucker and put an end to them.