44. LILLY
44
LILLY
I ’m on compassionate leave at work after what happened last night, but it feels like I’m working as I walk through the double doors onto the ward. I take a deep breath, inhaling the familiar redolent of disinfectant.
Hazel walks towards me down the bright corridor, doing a double take as she glances my way. “Lilly?” She rushes the remaining few steps towards me. “I almost didn’t recognise you without your makeup on.” She opens her arms and pulls me into a hug. “I thought you were taking some time off? The whole ward’s talking about you. What happened?”
“My brother’s girlfriend had a cardiac arrest and his mate had a gun to our head and wouldn’t let us call an ambulance because he had a load of cannabis growing in the bedroom.” I dab in the corner of my eye as they swell with unshed tears. My heart aches for Ash and Jodie. Guilt gnaws at my throat after all the things I said and thought about her. She just needed help, like my brother. Yet again, our healthcare system has failed another person with an addiction.
“Where’s Ash? How is he?” I swallow the acid down, bile burning my oesophagus.
“He’s in bay six. Your ex, Kane, stayed with him all night. He’s still here.”
Relief washes over me. If anyone knows what he’s going through, it’s Kane. “Thanks, Hazel.” My shoulders relax as I walk down the corridor, knowing Kane and Hazel are here makes me feel a little less alone. Shane wanted to come with me today, not wanting to leave my side, but with his and Ash’s history, I thought it best I came alone. This is my mess and I need to sort it. I’ve tried to atone for my actions for the last ten years.
Kane sits in the chair next to Asher’s hospital bed, looking out the glass widow coated in morning dew. The lines on his brow remind me of Shane watching the sunrise, deep in thought.
While Shane was off-limits, I clung to the next best thing. Kane’s like his brother. They’re two peas in a pod and have been since they were kids. An epiphany takes hold of my mind, setting off a chain of lightbulbs in my brain, each one a new revelation of how everything falls into place. Taking care of Kane was like me atoning for my part in my brother’s incarceration.
Kane locks eyes with me from across the room, giving me a sympathetic smile.
Dr Fletcher walks by with a clipboard in hand and stops in front of me. His eyes roam over my body in my casual clothes, my hair in a ponytail and a fresh face. He reaches a hand to my cheek, but I bat it away. He doesn’t get to touch me there.
Kane straightens in his seat. But I don't need him to fight my battles. It's time I said what I’ve wanted to say for a long time.
“If you touch me again, I’ll file a harassment charge. And if you go near my sister again, she’ll call the cops.”
“I…W…” He fumbles his words, shocked by my newfound confidence. Maybe it’s everything that’s happened that’s strengthened me or maybe it’s the life growing inside of me and my protective mother instinct, but I can’t turn a blind eye to his creepiness any longer. It isn’t me overreacting, and I haven’t brought this on myself. There are no excuses for his behaviour.
His eyes narrow. “May I remind you that I can have you fired for wearing your naughty nurse outfit.”
Another lightbulb goes off in my head. “You sent me the costume?” More acid rises in my throat, tainting everything I loved about my content and the platform. I should never have worn it. I should have refused, but I was too trusting and na?ve, thinking my disguise was enough to keep me safe. “Was this your plan? Use it to blackmail me?” It all makes perfect sense now. “And when you were blocked, you thought you’d get close to my sister. Was that to get to me?”
He doesn’t deny it was him. Just stares at me with thin slits and a clenched jaw.
“May I remind you I have evidence of your subscription to my account for several months, as well as all the messages and gifts you’ve sent me.” I raise an eyebrow, waiting for his next move. I haven’t even played my boyfriend’s a cop card yet, and he’s lost for words.
Tightening his lips into a thin line, he disappears into the staff only room.
Ignoring Dr Fletcher as if he’s a fly I’ve just swatted away, I approach the bed with my brother sleeping like a baby. Unable to help myself, I pull the blanket over the blue sling and cover the bandage on his shoulder.
“Hey,” Kane says softly as he rises from the chair. He waves a hand over Ash. “They gave him something for the pain a while back. I think it’s knocked him out, either that or he’s just exhausted.”
“Thanks for staying with him.”
“I didn’t want him to be alone with his thoughts. I don’t know what he went through, but he’s got a lot of demons to fight.” Kane rests his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “How are you?”
“I’m fine.” My lip trembles, contradicting my words. Tears swell in my eyes again and my whole body shakes. It’s clear I’m far from fine.
Kane slips his arm around me, pulling me tight against his chest. “You’re safe, baby girl. You know we’ll never let anything happen to you.” His lips press against my temple. “I’m surprised Shane let you come here alone.” A puff of air leaves his lips with a small laugh. “Is he waiting outside?”
I move my head side to side with a smile curving my lips. “He did follow me here in the car.”
Kane’s chest shakes against mine with a silent chuckle. “Figures.”
“He also added a tracking app to my phone and said I have to text him when I leave the hospital.” My heart swells. “I know it’s a little obsessive, but I like it.”
“Good.” He pulls away, holding me at arm’s length. “Get used to it. Now you’re pregnant, he’s gonna be even more neurotic.”
Ash stirs in the bed next to us with a groan.
Kane squeezes my shoulder. “Do you need me to stay, or do you want some time alone with him?”
“I’ll be all right.” I wipe away the tears from my cheeks, grateful I never wore makeup today. It feels good letting my skin breathe, not to mention having to keep up the facade. None of us are perfect and keeping up appearances is exhausting.
Kane gazes at me with his piercing silvery eyes, as if he’s seeing me for the first time. It’s probably one of the rare occasions he’s seen me without makeup and probably the only time I’ve been out of the house without it. “If you need anything, just call me.” He lets go of my shoulder and steps aside to walk around me.
I nod, but grab his arm before he leaves. “What about you? Are you all right? I know all this must be triggering for you.”
His hand covers mine where I grip his arm. “You’re always worried about everyone else. Time to focus on you, Lil. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” He gives me a small smile before he leaves.
I drop into the chair and wait for Ash to wake up. I need to make sure he’s okay before I face my sister.
“Cup of tea?” Hazel asks as she does the rounds on the ward.
“Thanks, Hazel.” I take the paper cup from her and sip the warm drink as I read Ash’s chart.
Ash stirs again. He hisses through his teeth as he turns. “Son of a bitch.” His hand reaches across his body, holding his shoulder with another hiss from his lips.
“Ash, you’re in the hospital,” I say to comfort him, but he screws his face up. I can’t tell if it’s the sound of my voice making him wince or the pain from his shoulder. Or maybe it’s the realisation kicking in of last night’s events. “Do you remember what happened?”
He tilts his head to face me, squinting as the sun shines through the window. His speech more slurred than usual with the drugs and exhaustion, he says, “If you’re asking if I remember you confessing to fucking me over, then yes. I remember every fucking thing, unfortunately.” He drops his head back on the pillow and stares up at the ceiling.
Acid coats my tongue. “I’m sorry, Ash. Please forgive me. I was a stupid kid.” I will myself not to cry as if I have no right to cry about something that’s my own doing.
He doesn’t look at me and continues to stare at the ceiling. I’m not sure he’s even listening, but I have to get it all out.
“I hated Levi and your friends. They were always trying it on with me and you were always high, unable to do anything about it. I hated that you were a user. I hated it when you were like that.”
He snaps his head back to me, his eyes wide. “Did they touch you?” The concern in his voice gives me hope.
I shake my head. “They tried. I kicked Levi in the balls once.” I swallow the shame and guilt prickling my tonsils. “I hated that you hung out with them, and I wanted you to stop using. Mum was beside herself. She didn’t know what to do with you. Fern and Shane had tried to help you, but you pushed everyone away.”
His jaw clenches, lips forming a tight line as he breathes heavily through his nostrils. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he mumbles, turning his head away from me.
Hope fills my heart that he still cares for me, at least, even if he doesn’t forgive me. “No, I’m sorry.” I take his free hand that isn’t in the sling.
I continue with my confession, fiddling with the rip in my jeans. “I heard Levi talking about robbing some rival gang, and I wanted him to pay.”
Ash winces as he adjusts in the bed. “So you thought it would be him getting arrested instead of me?”
If only it were that simple. I could lie and say yes, and I’m sure Ash would believe it and forgive me, but I’ve carried this guilt for so long. It’s time to be honest with the people I love. “I knew he wouldn’t be there. But I knew you would.” I look down at my hand clutching his, unable to let go in fear I’ll lose him forever.
“Go on,” he says with pain etched in his weary eyes.
“I thought if you got caught by the police and went to prison, you would get off the drugs and get away from your friends.” I remind myself to breathe and inhale a deep breath. “Shane knew nothing about it until it was too late, and he had to put you in the back of the patrol car and take you away. I didn’t know he was working that night.”
“If you’re trying to make me like the bloke, this ain’t gonna cut it, Lil. I still hate his fucking guts.” He squeezes my hand, and it’s reassuring that he isn’t trying to break away, as if he needs this connection as much as I do.
“Please forgive me.” I hold my breath, my lungs filled with hope now I’ve let out the lie that’s been held back for so long. “I love you, Ash. I just wanted my brother back.”
His face screws up, but I’m not sure if it’s me causing the pain or his shoulder. Probably both. “I need some time, Lil. It’s a lot to take in.”
“I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I was running out of options, and I thought if you were in prison, at least Mum wouldn’t be up all night worrying about you.”
“You probably saved my life. I went through hell, but you’re right. The way I was going, I wouldn’t have lasted the year.”
A sigh leaves my lips like a strangled sob. Relief relaxes my shoulders as a wave of guilt pours out of me onto my cheeks. “Promise me you won’t try anything stupid again like you did last night.” My hand trembles in his, waiting for him to speak. “Please Ash. I don’t want to lose you.”
He stares blankly at the ceiling. “Kane said it’s a miracle I’m still here. But it didn’t feel like that last night. It felt like it was just my fucking luck that another thing in my life didn’t go how I wanted it to.”
I wipe my wet cheeks. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things will get better. I promise.”
He tilts his head again to look into my eyes. “I was talking to Kane last night, and he told me all about his situation with Violet.”
I nod my head, knowing Kane’s situation all too well.
“I want to be a better man, Lil.”
“You’re already a good man, Ash. You just need to make better choices. Mainly in the company you keep.”
He glances at the pile of leaflets on the bedside table. “The nurse said she’ll get me into a therapy programme.”
“That sounds like a step in the right direction. I’ll be here to help you every step of the way.”
“Thanks for always believing in me. You’re probably the only one who cares.”
“That’s not true. Kane’s been here all night. He’s only just left.” I don’t mention Shane. He wouldn’t believe me if I told him Shane cared, but I know Shane will do anything for me and that extends to my family too.
“He’s a decent man. I don’t know why you didn’t stay with him instead of the cop.”
“Because I don’t love him like I love Shane.”
He glances down at my stomach, then back up to my face. “You really having his baby?”
I nod my head and place both my hands over his. “You’re gonna make a great uncle.”
His tired eyes sparkle in the sun like a glimmer of light at the end of a dark road.
“I want you to move in with me. I’m going to take care of you until you’re well. We’ll get your son back.” I place my hand over my stomach. “My baby’s gonna want to know their cousin.”
Ash nods his head, his eyes swelling with sadness. The apple in his throat bobs as he swallows hard, as if trying to keep his emotions at bay.
“I’m sorry about Jodie.” My voice cracks.
He rubs his eyes, leaving them red and sore with deep insets. “Shit happens, init?” His face turns away from me so I don’t see his tears fall.
“It’s okay to cry, Ash. You don’t have to act so macho all the time.”
“I had a dream last night.” A tear runs down his temple as he stares at the ceiling. “She was walking on the beach. She looked so happy and healthy.” He sniffles again as another tear falls. “She was carrying our son, and she handed him to me with a smile before walking into the sunset.” He wipes his nose on the back of his hand with a sniffle. “You know what’s worse? Her son will never know her. She wasn’t perfect, but she was doing her best, and she had a kind heart. He’ll never know that about her.”
I grip his good arm, wanting to shake him. “Yes, she will, Ash, because you’re gonna tell him all about her.”
“Social services won’t let him anywhere near me after this.” He sniffles again. “I’ve no doubt your boyfriend told them all about me waving a gun in his face. I’m just waiting for the cops to escort me to a cell any minute.”
“That’s not gonna happen. He left that part out. And once the DNA test comes through, Shane and I will help you get him back.”
His eyes shine under the sun’s rays. “I know you’d do that for me, but I expect nothing from him.”
“Shane’s a good man, Ash.”
He raises an eyebrow as if to question me. “As long as he treats you right, I don’t care what he does.”
“He treats me like I’m the most important thing in his life. He even—” I stop myself from saying what I was about to say. That he killed for me. “He would die for me.”
Ash nods his head as if understanding what I was trying to say. “I should have had the balls to end Levi years ago. He deserved what he got. At least that’s one thing we can agree on.” His hand rubs his shoulder over the dressing, and he winces again.
“Shall I get some more pain relief?” I’m about to wave Hazel over, but Ash lowers my arm.
“Leave it. I like the pain. It’s the first time I’ve felt anything real in a long time.”
We both sit here in silence for a while. The sun makes everything seem brighter, as if the new day has brought with it a ray of hope for all our futures.