5. Chapter 4
Psycho
“ Jax,” Ivy moans as I gently suck her nipple into my mouth while I gently rub over her clit, our bodies, sweaty, moving together as she moves beneath me with pleasure and look up and watch with awe, my legal name on her lips sounding like a breath of fresh air.
Ivy’s breathing picks up and I bite her nipple as I thrust two fingers inside her, her tight pussy squeezing them instantly as her orgasm washes over her and without missing a beat I quickly move down her body, remove my fingers and cover her whole cunt with my mouth, shoving my tongue into her entrance, drinking up her sweet nectar before sucking hard and I hook her thighs to keep her in place as another orgasm takes her as her body shakes.
Fuck me I could die on her taste and be a happy man.
I squeeze my eyes tight as I throw water over my face before gripping the bathroom sink, hanging my head.
The memory of midnight flashing back and regret instantly hits me but not because I didn’t want it because I did, I fucking have done for years but because she’s planning on leaving, finding a life outside of Rose Meadow.
“I want to live free in New York without the club breathing down my neck every day, to try and find out who I am.”
Her whispered words from when she was seventeen have fucking haunted me.
They are the reason why I kept her in the friendzone, something I should have done last night but fuck, feeling her lips against mine, her body molding into me, fitting perfectly, I couldn’t walk away even if I tried and even the thought of having another touch me makes me fucking sick.
I look up in the mirror, my Ivy angel wings tattoo over my heart just peeking out taking my focus, something I don’t think Ivy noticed last night, as true, gut-wrenching fear hits me.
“Fuck, I’m about to lose her.” I choke and hang my head again, breathing heavily.
I know Ivy, she wouldn’t have given herself to me, basically throw herself at me knowing it would affect our friendship if she didn’t see a future with me and while yes, I’m fucking elated that she feels the same way, my heart fucking hurts knowing I need to push her away so she doesn’t throw her dreams away for me because in the end, she’ll resent me for it.
Heck, maybe if I let her go now, she’ll return to me, right?
I squeeze the counter tighter as my stomach tightens. I know I need to go out there, I know she’s most likely awake now and I am dressed in my usual jeans and tank, ready for the day, yet I can’t fucking move.
Five times, five fucking times we slept together last night, three of those times, I had my mouth over her pussy, tasting her and now I’ve got to convince her last night was mistake.
How in the fuck do I lie to the woman I’ve been in love with for six years, maybe even longer?
But if she believes there’s a future, she’ll stay, and I’ll lose her anyway. It won’t give her the option to see she needs me like I need her.
Swallowing hard, I push off the counter and open the door, not wanting to prolong this, but pause when I see Ivy sitting on my bed wearing my shirt from yesterday over her dress, her hair back up in a messy bun, looking down at her linked fingers on her lap.
Fuck she’s beautiful and I can’t do this. Shit.
“Let me guess, last night was a mistake?” she whispers, and I look down, trying to swallow the lump forming.
I lean against the door frame, cross my arms over my chest, clear my throat, and deny, “No, it wasn’t a mistake,” unable to lie to her.
She looks my way and confirms, “But it won’t be happening again, though, right?”
I grind my back teeth, trying to control my emotions at the glistening in her eyes.
I know this is the right thing to do, and, in the end, she will agree with me, but again, I won’t lie to her. I think it’s time she understood exactly how much she really means to me.
“I love you, Ivy,” I admit but she doesn’t say anything, probably thinking I mean as a friend, so I add, “I love you with my whole fucking being, I have for a very long time, probably way before I should have.”
“But we can’t be together,” she whispers, and I flinch, hating that it's the truth, unless she comes back to me after living her best life.
And I will be waiting for her, though; no more club girls, strippers, or one-night stands. She is my only from here on out because no woman will ever match up to her, and I’m not willing to try, not anymore.
“No, we can’t,” I rasp. “I love you, Ivy. I always have, but this has to be a one-time thing. It can’t happen again, and I uh, I think we should go back to how we were before last night.”
It’s a pipe dream, I know it, and so does she.
She shakes her head and chokes, “Do you really believe we can go back to how we were after last night?”
Fuck, I’ve lost her, I know I have.
Sniffing hard to try and control my emotions, I push off the wall and walk over to her. I kneel when in front of her before cupping her cheeks and our eyes lock and the look of pain in hers fucking hurt so much, I’m struggling to catch my breath.
“You have plans, cupcake, big fucking plans that don’t involve me,” I remind her, and my eyes race between hers as I state, “Friends is all we can be because I refuse to hold you back, I refuse to push this life on you when you deserve the world.” I swallow hard, “While yeah, I think last night shouldn’t have happened,” she flinches, “I don’t regret it. ”
“Yet you won’t fight for me,” she replies, and this time I flinch.
I admit, “If I knew this life was the one you wanted, I would fight tooth and nail to have you here wearing my cut and standing by my side. Something I can promise you I have always wanted but Ivy, you don’t see yourself within the club, you don’t trust us,” she furrows her brows and I remind her, “You never told any of us what you were studying or the fact you wanted to work with cars and since your dad fucked up, you’ve pulled back from the club, from me. ”
“So this has nothing to do with the fact that having an old lady wasn’t on the cards for you because of the brotherhood?” she questions, and I nod.
“Partly, yeah, it is. Brothers fuck up a lot and it would kill me if I ended up with an ego that could hurt you and if I knew I could live without them, without our family. If I knew I could live with letting Blade down then I would hand my cut in today for you, but I can’t, you know I can’t, the club is in my blood,” I admit, and a few tears drop on her soft skin.
I fucking hate myself, absolutely hate myself.
“I can’t choose between you and the club, Ives, just like I wouldn’t expect you to choose between me and your dreams,” I murmur, gently rubbing my thumb over her wet cheeks.
“I need to go,” she whispers, and I tense but knowing she needs space, I nod and stand out of her way, fisting my hands to stop myself from grabbing her as she stands.
She walks past me as she wipes her cheeks, and I plead, “Ivy, I don’t want to lose my best friend.”
“I just need time,” she whispers back without looking at me before walking out of my room. After a few minutes, I hear the front door shut, and my breathing picks up.
“Please, more,” she begs, and I chuckle before latching onto her clit, sucking it hard in pulses.
I shake my head and squeeze my eyes tight.
“Fuck Ives,” I gasp, and I push her legs above her head and thrust harder into her tight wet heat loving the tightness before smashing my lips against hers, shoving my tongue into her mouth.
Fuck, fuck, fuck….
I shake my head and look around my room. The sheets are messed up, and Ivy’s dark blue French panties lay on my floor, torn, and the anger takes over as her sweet gasps echo in my ears.
Fuck.
I roar out and spin before my foot connects with my chest of drawers, wood splintering before I crouch down, grabbing my hair with frustration as my eyes tear up.
I fucking lost her.
“There you are, son,” my dad says as he takes a seat beside me. I don’t acknowledge him. Instead, I stare at the full glass of scotch that I haven’t looked away from for the past hour I’ve sat at Dark’s Bar that Viper runs.
I feel like a fucking dick, like I’ve just ruined my chance at happiness.
I feel like I’ve just torn my heart into fucking pieces.
“Son?” Dad questions again as Cain places something, most likely a beer, before him and states, “He’s been like that since he arrived an hour ago and ordered that drink, not saying a word, I was about to call the Pres.”
I can feel my dad’s concerned eyes on me, and he whispers, “Talk to me,” and I mutter, “I slept with Ivy.” Not able to mutter anything else because what else is there to say, I’ve just lost my best friend, and I’ll most likely lose Venom when he realizes I slept with his sister, claimed my love, then stated we can’t be together even if it is for her own good.
“Fuck,” he curses before there’s some rustling and he says, “Jess, don’t hang up, it’s about Jax,” he’s quiet for a moment then adds, “He slept with Ivy…”
Dad mumbles something else, but I zone out.
She hates me, I fucking know it because I hate me.
If I could hand in my cut and go with her, I would, but the club, I owe my life to it.
They are the reason why I’ve not ended up in fucking jail, why I can keep control of my anger issues, they’re my family, fuck they’re her family but she wants more out of this life, and I know it isn’t me at least not right now anyhow.
I don’t know how long I sit here, staring at my glass, before I feel a gentle hand on my back and I finally break contact with it and look to my left, only to lock eyes with my mama, her blue eyes looking at me with concern.
“I thought Marie needed you back in Paris?” I mutter, vaguely remembering the message from Mama yesterday that Marie is struggling with childcare since she left.
Mama shrugs and says, “I was halfway to the airport when your father called. You need me more right now. Marie has a husband who can watch Domie.”
I swallow hard as my eyes race between hers and I admit, “I fucked up, Mama…”
She cups my cheek as her eyes tear, rasping, “No, baby, you didn’t fuck up. You finally gave into your feelings.”
“And in doing that, I’ve lost my best friend,” I whisper before I feel a strong hand clamp on my shoulder, and my dad says, “You haven’t lost her son, she loves you.”
I sniff hard, “But she doesn’t love the club or how the brothers treat their women.” I side-eye him to see him flinch and I remind them, “She plans on going to New York,” my eyes tear, “Before I had a chance to at least stay in contact with her, but now…”
I allow my words to trail off, and I turn back to my drink, causing Mama to drop her hand as I drop my head.
I fucking lost her.
“What do we do, Tanner?” Mama whispers, and Dad replies, “We make sure he doesn’t ruin his chances, bumblebee, and he doesn’t fuck up as badly as I did.”
Fuck, I haven’t heard Dad call Mama that in years, before he let his role within the club go to his head.
Shaking my head, I grab my drink and put the glass to my lips before downing it, needing the burning and relief.
It doesn’t matter what they say. Last night changed our friendship for the worse because she’s leaving with the knowledge that I didn’t fight for her, despite as much as I wanted and while yeah, I can use New York as an excuse all I want, she knows, as well as my parents and myself, that I won’t make her mine because I won’t hurt her like Dad hurt Mama, like Glock hurt Clara, and Brick hurt Anna.
I’m breaking their cycle even if it means being a loner and losing the only love I’ve ever had until she realizes I’m her one and she returns to me.